merry fokin xmas eve who cares it doesnt matter life goes on hahahaha

ok got in the 2.8 miler, then a Severe Thunderstorm blew right in.

what else. yeah that dream sucked. oh well. life goes on and you never have a decent rel with a woman.

who cares. you gotta develop your own life apart from a woman.

well i tried to and failed hahaha. i mean i had some very good friendships with men in my life. i just wanted to try The Next Level, a Hetero Rel with a Woman. is that such a goddam CRIME?

really struggled with skool and career.

my god reading linkedin made me want to PUKE. but it is a useful tool in learning how to Talk The Talk; THE single most useful tool ive seen recently for people that want to Talk Like Theyre Employable. That Immersing yourself in this kind of talk, and being able to spew this kind of RUBBISH in interviews WILL eventually get you semi gainfully employed.

also feel like my Higher Power is calling me to the Trades, a good Honest No Bullshit Living.

the new google logo was unveiled recently, i think it sucks. i am glad i dont work at google. not that i ever could.

hahahaha i am so glad i dont have some bullshit awful rel with a woman. NOT THAT I EVER COULD hahahaha.

sour grapes lol

well if i cant get a good rel with a woman i luv, i guess i will take meaningless no strings attached secs with attractive women.  hahahahaha. NEVER FORGETTING that doing that is bad for women, but neutral to good for men. then i could maybe use that New Confidence to Win At Life and get a Gainful 15DAHJ and a Decent Woman.

shit i wouldnt even be able to APPRECIATE a decent woman for another year at least.

when i first met female friend i didnt luv her! I was still All Luved Out from the previous woman. and i didnt get any feels until i knew her for TWO YEARS!

so it stands to reason i will not develop feels for a diff woman for at least two years from now.

not that i WANT to get feels if feels just lead to this kind of Pain and Total Life Ruination!

but i do enjoy that “high” of that particular drug, and also it will prove ive gotten over HER. and have a chance to show i’ve Learned muh lessons.

well now i can see why they say the best rels are when you start out as friends and then become more. because you feel like you know the person, you can trust them, you respect them, you can hopefully communicate with them, you have a connection with them beyond the physical.

and we had all that, we even communicated well on lots of things……..just not the things that turned out to be Absolutely Essential to our Relationship. like when there were serious problems between us, we could not talk about them.

well i was WILLING and WANTED  to talk. she was either unwilling or too afraid to talk.

she would have made me very happy. unfort i would have not made her so happy. and now by rejecting me in SUCH a harsh way, i am super unhappy.

she did not have to do that!!!!! send a message, write a fooking email or something.

i also emailed her my mailing address hahahaha.

you can be sure they will know that you are trying to contact them if you send them a letter hahaha. you cant BLOCK postal mail in other words.

note the search query hahahaha

eh some good stuff but overall NOT great. plus all the pictures show them hanging out all the time. i couldnt GET my “FRIEND” to hang out AT ALL. plus she was not my “best” friend. heh i am not sure i even HAVE a “best friend” hahahaha maybe when i was younger.

meh this is OK, i agree with the author that its good to have A Talk and Tell Them Directly, rather than just bullshit SIGNALS and HINTS. the author gives the following “love script”


“I care about you deeply. Being with you in any way makes me happy. I can’t deny that I’ve developed romantic feelings for you and I want to be your boyfriend. I know you have a man already and I support you completely. I love being your best friend and I just needed to let you know.”

You have put no pressure on her and yet by being so heartfelt you have invited her to open up about her feelings as well. She may tell you that she looks at you like a brother or that she’s happy in her current relationship. But know that you have planted a seed that may very well grow into something special later on.

It takes some serious balls to do what I’m suggesting but I promise you that you will feel lighter and happier once you’ve confronted this. It may be because she reciprocates your feelings and has been waiting for you to make your move. Or it may be because you finally get your answer and you can move on.

anyway I UFMLL agree, you should tell them because…..then you know you told them.

all these morons saying be careful, you dont want to ruin the friendship, dont understand


i guess some people can confess their feelings, then gurl rejects them and says sorry but i just dont see you that way, so sorry lets just be friends, and then its weird for a few weeks, then they go back to being normal friends. i dunno. i wont deny maybe this has happened to other people. it certainly hasnt happened to me though.

of course i was the guy who thought i could never fall in luv with a female friend, and it finally happened!

ok maybe for some people the feelings can CHANGE back and you can be just friends again. heh. well then i wish i could just fall out of luv with her! and then i would be over her instantly.

but yeah this is getting ridiculous.  i mean i cant even cope with life and am turning into a damn NEET shutin.

well except i Jog 8 miles a day hahahahahahaha. that is really the only positive thing i feel i CAN do.

i can sort of talk the language of the Linkedin Normalfags, but i speak it so unnaturally and begrudgingly that they can tell i have a Bad Attitude and then dont hire me.

but yeah shes the bad guy. if we had an Impartial Arbiter judge the Evidence, or a Jury, they would find that her crimes were worse than mind. namely because i tried, she didn’t. i made an effort, she avoided, ignored, and ran away. i made her scared and uncomfortable? well a lot of that was coming from within her, not just from me.

a lot like my own anxiety is my own damn fault. its not the worlds fault for being so anxiety producing. its my fault for not being able to cope with it. well sure its not “fault fault” per se, i didnt ask for this, i didnt intend it, but i have always been damn anxious and nothing really helps it.

well i guess some days at work i was less anxious than others. this was certainly in 2014 where there was the “perfect good storm” of maybe i dunno august, sept, oct, nov.

i was just starting to fall in luv with her and i wasnt obsessively anxious about muh job, and i wasn’t obsessively anxious about her.

well i was thinking about her a lot but it was WARM FUZZIES at that time and hadnt turned bad yet.

by like feb or march it had turned BAD. she had cooled off a lot, was bitchy to me, i was increasingly frustrated, and the job had gotten a lot worse. super busy, super hectic, super high anxiety, lots of weird new stupid stuff all the time.

therefore, oct, nov, dec, jan, feb, and then by march it was definitely bad. it will go bad within FIVE months. goes from good to bad over 5 months.

i dunno if thats a rule of thumb or what. maybe it is only if you work together at an extremely stressful job and you also rely on her for emotional support for your insane job and she is not willing to give it and is angry at you for being so needy on job related emotional support, let alone the other stuff, like you wanting to HANG OUT with her and TALK. why should she do that with you. cant you see she doesnt WANT to. your feelings dont matter only hers hahahahahahahahahaha.

so obviously this is not a good person to be in a rel with. because she did not luv me.

but i luved HER!

and i am anxious about “settling” into a rel just because the woman luvs me……….but i dont luv her. but i settle because i am that desperate and lonely and am finally pushed to lie to myself. and the poor pathetic woman.

falling asleep over here, good thing i dont have a job because i would be fired for acting like i am on drugs and really messing stuff up, but i am just tired cuz poow widdle babby only got 5 hours of sleep last night!

Hardworking Men get like 4 hours a sleep a night IF THEYRE LUCKY. like once a year. the rest of the day they WORK. and they WORK WITHOUT SLEEP. and their shitty fat stupid wives leave them.

IMHO if you look at a failing relationship its not hard to find the BAD GUY.

Obvious Occam!!!

Captain Obvious.

its the husband obviously beating his wife.

its the one spouse obviously cheating on the other, who is still blindly in luv.

i guess there are instances where both people are a piece of shit.

but one person is usually way more a piece of shit, and the other person is the LONGSUFFERER who is AFRAID to let go of them.

one spouse is a drug/alcohol addict and it is OBVIOUSLY breaking the other persons heart.

one person is OBVIOUSLY the bad guy.

the other person is OBVIOUSLY the victim, and their heart gets BROKEN, and the other person just doesnt care.

in many cases the Dumper is the Bad guy. actually the dumping might be the nicest thing they ever did, releasing the victim from their abuse.

but i HATE to portray myself as a VICTIM! a weak VICTIM of abuse.

cuz it wasnt really abuse. it was just a Really Bad Ending that Broke My Heart worse than its EVER been. and its been broken pretty bad before! thats all.

but yeah she must be the bad guy because i am the one who is totally heartbroke and shes probably not hurting too much at all. never thinks of me. i meant nothing to her lol. oh well life goes on.

when i was 18 and in 13th grade hahahah and just starting to go down The Wrong Path, drinking too much at age 18! not Practicing Game on all the cute 18 year old gurls at College, but being a weirdo who got into stupid arguments with his roomate, and drinking alone in the room…..anyway one of my few good ideas was taking calculus (i later took calculus 1 again in 2012, approx 10 years later!) so i took it and one of the people in my study group, which was three gurls and me interestingly. none of the gurls were horribly cute but they were nice enough and it was a good experience for me just talking to women. i dont recall being all nervous with them either. wow.

anyway one gurl lived in the dorm right down the hall from me. she was kind of “bigger” but she was 18 years old and i am not sure she was UGLY per se but i was not really attracted to her. my stupid roomate would very unkindly make fun of her as “FAT GIRL” which was really inappropriate of him. and made me angry. because she was a nice gurl, and she wasnt super duper fat, nowhere near as fat as your average 30 year old People Of Walmart Hambeast Woman.

plus i think he was saying I was so weak i couldnt meet any women except for fat undesirable ugly women.

well he wasnt doing any better! he was a real asshole.

anyway i was kind of icy to this gurl because i dunno. not mean and not an asshole but never being like lets hang out sometime baby and have experimental kids growing up dormsex. in hindsight i probably SHOULD have!

or just in general maybe should have hung out with her more and made an actual friend out of her instead of a friendly acquaintance???

i had no experience being Friends With Women so i kinda felt it was weird. OH WELL.

and then i didnt make any more female friends for another 3 years at least. doesnt sound like a long time, but a lot of shit happens between 18-21, it feels like a ton of shit is PACKED into those years. and times moves faster and more exciting stuff happens. being young.

but yeah basically i still wish my female former friend would contact me. it will take a LONG time before i stop wishing time. might as well just accept that pain and try to do healthy things like jogging 8 miles a day hahahaha.

but right now i am gonna do a second 2.8 miler, will only get in 5.6 miles today and not 8.4. and maybe have some nyquil when i get back. MAYBE. jurys still out on that one.