yeah communcation can be bad if you are OVERCOMMUNICATING and in a confrontational way, turning everything into an argument, “making a mountain out of a molehill”, when “how was your day” is really your excuse to have a 4 hour bitchfest about stupid shit.

i dont think i was doing that. we didnt commuincate much beyond small talk in between frantic bouts of work for me, and while she was having more fun conversations with other people.

hehehe so its my fault for not being fun. well i blame the job for not being fun. also i took the job more seriously. i actually wanted to know how to fix things, how things worked, to see the big picture. she was just a fooking monkey who had no problem giving people the wrong answer. i was obsessed about being a detective and finding the right answer.

everything was interrupted, we never had a chance just to be with each other for a damn HOUR. if i had had that, i would have said something much earlier.

what she was doing was the cowardly thing where you’re too scared to dump somebody outright, so you try to force them to leave, by being bitchy and cold and mean and pushing them, making them say “FOOK THIS, IVE HAD ENOUGH, IM LEAVING, YOU CANT FIRE ME I QUIT, I DONT DESERVE THIS, SEE YA.”

and of course i did not do that, i doubled down and begged and said PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE I BEGGING YOU LETS FIX THIS.

begging IS rock bottom. I aint too proud to beg, but i can get all begged out, i cant beg forever. I begged as much as I was able, and it was obvious begging wasnt working. i begged and begged and she showed me no mercy, just walked away from me and my begging.

obviously by begging you are trying to force them to say something, just get mad at you and be done with it. so i shouldnt have FORCED her. but the shit was REALLY bothering me and i was DESPERATE for some communication.

obviously you are supposed to be PATIENT. well thing is, i gave patience a try at the beginning. i said ok ill give you some time, i can see this is a bad time for you, i hope you get better, ill be here for you whenever youre ready.

********but dealing with a classic avoider like her, patience can just turn into them avoiding and ignoring it forever.

and thats when patience goes bad. when patiences turns into avoiding and ignoring. you never get the communication, it just gets pushed udner the rug and walked away from.

oh but i wasnt patient for LONG ENOUGH so its all my fault.

well i was patient for a while. then i started getting impatient again.

also, she was de-investing from the rel at the same time i was investing MORE. she was taking herself OUT, while I was putting myself in. she was moving her stuff out at the same time i was moving my stuff IN. i should have been MIRRORING her and taking my stuff out as well. but when you Get Feels, everything goes cray cray. plus i obviously didnt want to believe she was moving everything out. i just tried to be patient.

so by the time she pulled the plug in july, the shit was already DEAD, i just didnt KNOW it or want to believe it. when i sent email1 to her, which i know she read, me begging her to communicate please, it was already over then, when i was desperately trying to save it.

but she was still putting up a facade of semi-niceness at that point which did not indicate AT ALL, sent NO SIGNAL that she wanted the rel to be OVER. so that was def a mixed signal. bad signaling on her part.

PEOPLE ARE NOT MIND READERS. even the licensed marriage and family therapists who say communication is overrated and Vague Ambiguous Signals Are All You Need, agree that people are not mind readers.

i was desperately trying to tell her the contents of my mind and to get her to tell me what she was thinking, but she refused.

i guess because i didnt make her feel SAFE, so thats my fault hahahaha.

well what made me SAFE in her eyes was that i had no feelings for her. when she detected that i had feelings, and she certainly had to have picked up on that by say january 2015, i was no longer safe.

well i couldnt change the feelings. thus i could never become SAFE again.

al turtle, relationship therapist, thank u very much hahahaha.

that would be a great career for me SERIOUSLY, tbh hahahaha. but i dont want to pay 60 grand to take classes, where there are only like 2 jobs in the US in that field, 0% career growth, and if you are one of the lucky few to get a FT MFT Job, you will not be making much more than Tech Support.

i like “Relationship Therapist” much better than “Marriage and Family The Rapist” hahahahaha. because its really about Relationships. maybe its your marriage or family. but maybe its your friends or lack of. maybe its your gurlfran or lack of. maybe its the female friend you want to be your gurlfran but she is detaching from you, while you are attaching to her.

again all signs point to, put up ad on craigslist pimping self out as “Relationship Buddy” just like “Depression Buddy” and “Anxiety Buddy” and try to build Clients as an Unlicensed Paid Listener.

and i can never know anything because she refused to talk. but more than likely, she was trying to push me away permanently, when i thought she was just trying to push me away temporarily for some temporary time and space.

but oh well some ambiguous signals are good enough to clear up that ambiguity, communication wouldnt have helped.

and whos to say ambiguity is a bad thing! ENJOY THE AMBIGUITY!

hahahaha i am bullshitting there. that is something a woman would say. i guess in some instances ambiguity might be ok (i cant think of any), but when you’re on the tightrope of, this is either gonna work out and i will be happy, or this is gonna fail and i am gonna be very unhappy, uh no.

ambiguity is not knowing, and not knowing for too long can drive a person fooking CRAZY. it did to me.

it sucked hahahaha.

and i have now is unanswered questions, hypotheses i can never confirm. i can reverse engineer it and come up with The Most Likely Explanation, but can never confirm it.

was out playing my game last night and saw a woman who looked UNCANNILY like her, which does not happen often, because not a lot of women really look like her, the combination of her body and her features and her personal style is rather unique, she does not dress like a hypersexual modern whore in other words hahahaha.

i could not see the girls face from that angle, but from this angle, it was like a damn doppelganger. so weird. she was not a regular at the place either, had never seen this girl before. didnt help she was getting all cuddly and cozy with her stern looking boifran either.

she had to turn her head and i really had to stare at her face to prove to myself it wasnt actually her.

glad she got out of there relatively early.

but yeah i will NEVER understand it. it is completely out of my hands. serenity prayer now hahahaha.

plus clingers like me seek out avoiders like her, according to al turtle hahaha. or tuttle. whoever. hire me as your assistant for 12DAH dr al!

so who do avoiders seek out? nobody i guess. people just come to them. this is to be expected if the avoider is a woman, and many are. but if the avoider is a man, obviously he will be alone the rest of his life hahaha!

i am kinda an avoider too, i avoided talking about the important things too.  but i was very clingy attached to her and she def was not to me, she let me go and let me fall down the cliff into the abyss of oblivion hahaha. let me fall. let me go hahaha. it sucked.

i was thinking anxiety is the root cause for me, the short term problem. then too much anxiety for too long, kept me from doing much with muh life, which after a few years, resulted in me getting “derpression”, and now i have a mix of both. with the derpression i dont have any long term goals or hope or interests or anything to look forward to, and with the anxiety i have trouble doing anything in the short term, cuz either i am too anxious, and the derpression affects that as well, like whats the point, nothings gonna help.

hehehe i feel like an addict who needs rehab, but i am not on any drugs! well besides the plutocrat poison i am prescribed for my derpression hahahaha.

i guess writing is mah drug. and laziness. and being too attached and obsessed with these damn women. but i havent seen her in like 7 weeks!!!!!! and i still think about her all the time!

but yet its not as BAD as it was. i am slowly moving out of the SHOCK. there was a lot of SHOCK involved because i did not see this coming at all, did not expect this from her at all, totally out of character.

now i am less shocked, and more angry and butthurt and sad hahahaha.

i hate how All Women move Too Fast. secs after the third date or else just replace you with someone better. ever heard of the risk of Women Can Get Pregnant and you should really KNOW a person who is going to be the Potential Father Of Your Children?

and this just sounds RIDICULOUS to women. because women have NEVER been Long Term Big Picture Thinkers, EVEN THOUGH they have the Biggest Long Term Reproductive Costs/Risks. so for the longest time i was like that makes no sense, if anything they should be super geared towards the big picture then. but they’re not.

well, not all women, just 95% of them hahahahahahaha. fooking degenerate culture. postmodern globalist bullshit hahaha.

i think it is because they are as desperate to reproduce as men, so they will reproduce with just about ANYONE, much like a man will, but they have more power to choose a Physically Attractive, Exciting, Fun, Sexy mate. but his long term potential just doesnt matter.

well yeah our modern society of Nothing Has Consequences plays into this too.

and it is hard to turn down the offers of Sexy Exciting Suitors! Shit if i were a Sexual Celebrity and had a QUEUE of cute young gurls approaching me, i would not turn them down!

i cant get preggers though. i have no long term consequences. and thats why men do the approaching.

but i thought it doesnt matter either way.

so MEN’s behavior is dictated by WOMENS long term consequences, but WOMEN can IGNORE their OWN long term consequences. basically yes, thats the way it works. and that is why women are bitches and whores hahahaha.

well not all women. just a sizable amount of them. anywhere from 30 to 90 percent. lets split the diff and say 60%. a Small Majority of Women. as opposed to a Sizable Minority.

Just a Small Majority, not a Vast Majority hahahahahaha.