YOU CAN GET OVER HARD DRUG ADDICTION WAY FASTER THAN A BROKEN HEART

99

damn. not much sleep last night.

one interesting idea is that our Ideas and Thoughts and Feelings ABOUT sleep can affect our actual sleep. like laying in bed worrying about not getting enough sleep, and constantly looking at the clock.

yesterday i heard the suggestion about putting your clock in a drawer so you could hear the alarm but not actually see the clock. i though that was neat. you could also just block the clock with a card or something. i thought that was an interesting idea. like when i had to get up to go to work but couldnt sleep because i was constantly worried about everything that could go wrong the next day, and would i be able to handle it, and had i studied enough before going to bed, well i didnt do anything but come home from stupid work, study, then go to bed early! and now i am not sleeping at all!

also the idea that if you go to bed super early to try to get good/alot of sleep, you get very inefficient sleep and less restful sleep and or just laying there awake. so going to bed at like 7 pm doesnt really HELP you per se, unless you ar tired at 7 pm, well you veyr well might be, but you have to feel like you could actually SLEEP.

of course we all know that pain when you are tired, exhausted, because long days, tons of coffee, tons of stress, terrible sleep for days, you SHOULD be ableto go to sleep, but you lay down and cant sleep, and keep looking at the clock, you wanted to be asleep by 10 pm at the latest, now its 12, 1, 2, 3, etc. you went to bed planning to get 10 hours of sleep, now you will be lucky to get 4 and you are gonna have a ridiculous day of work tomorrow.

with someone who broke your heart, where you used to be close but now they dont WANT to be close to you anymore, and they aer cold to you, and warm to other people. hahahahaha.

i should have really tried a Sleep Aid, really just some nyquil or benedryl at least, during those times.

sometimes people say ITS DONE. IM DONE with this, and then they are simply done, they walk away.

they might end it in the worst possible way. they might even KNOW BETTER. but they do it anyway and they are DONE and they are NEVER coming back. they are not coming back and they are certainly not APOLOGIZING for handling shit shittily.  nope. they are 100% done.

doesnt mean it is right. yes it can and prob does involve avoiding or ignoring or just running away or shutting down or freezing. yes it is usually is bad karma and a shitty thing to do.

she DOES know better but it doesnt matter, she did it ANYWAY.

cant go back and undo it.

she is obviously CAPABLE of Conversations and Communication….like when she tried to communicate with those other men. how did those conversations go? what did she say? how did she articulate things? was she like a brick wall like she was with me? obviously not, she made an effort with them. i am jealous of course.

make an effort with them, make absolutely no fooking effort with me. tells me that I am a worthless piece of shit, and my confidence is low enough as it is. i do not need that message.

i will never know WHY i was so shitty as to not even warrant an effort. i can only GUESS it was because she wasnt as invested in me, she didnt luv me, she was already preparing for this day, distancing herself. she wanted to distance herself from me rather than repair the relatiosnhip in ANY way.

there is also the thought that with these kind of things, Rels, that a woman will do EXACTLY WHAT SHE WANTS. IF SHE DOESNT WANT TO DO IT, SHE WONT DO IT. IF SHE DOES, SHE WILL. PERIOD.

if she WANTED to communicate and “End Things Better”, she would have. If she Liked me, she would have let me know. if she really WANTED to date me, she would have.

i think this is more relevant to the beginning of rels as opposed to women who are Scared To Leave Their Abusers. well, id also add that they dont really WANT to leave. they WANT to be with that guy, they love him, and they also WANT to fix him. they would rather Futilely try to fix him and continue getting beaten, than leave.

ALL my big Heartbreaks involved the woman dumping me, essentially losing interest in me, essential deciding they didnt really WANT to be with me, and the decision being made before any sort of serious dating started. they didnt WANT a serious rel with me. they never did. so therefore i never had any serious rel. which is my shorthand for “longterm monogamous exclusive committed dating love rel with a woman”

i say one year would be good but i wouldnt mind TWO years either!

i heard somewhere, probably from some ridiculous woman who was bored with her long term boifran and was falling out of luv with him and wanted to dump him ITS OVER, that The Lifetime Of Luv is FOUR YEARS. after youre with someone for four years, you know them completely, you cant go any further, and the Luv Dies, time to dump them.

she of course had been going out with the guy like 3 or 3 and half years hahahahaha.

shrink said look for some wayne dyer talks. i have seen a couple of his pbs specials, they are pretty good.

anyway the other point.

heartbreak like this is some of the worst pain imaginable, the pain and suffering cannot be overstated. my heart is completely broken, destroyed, decimated, devasted. ripped out, bleeding, like temple of doom.

it is the worst pain ever, worse than derpression and anxiety and ranks right up there with death and job loss hahahaha.

is really is a kind of death.

i was watching intervention again and thinking these pussies, just quit your heroin and oxycontin. you will be sick for a FEW DAYS, maybe one WEEK. then it will be done.

try getting over a BROKEN HEART. you will be sick and broken and dying for MONTHS AND MONTHS AND MONTHS AND MONTHS.

getting over A Truly Broken Heart is MANY, MANY, MANY times more difficult than getting off of Opiates, or other Addictive Drugs that are hard to quit, have withdrawals and cravings, like Alcohol or Cigarettes.

these people go to rehab and then 90 days later they are a changed person. 180. miraculous.

90 days later after a broken heart, your heart will STILL be broken. you will be angry and sad and unable to love anyone but that horrible person.

so yeah the excruciating, CONSTANT, NEVER ENDING PAIN should not be underestimated. it cant be overestimated! it is worse than being a drugs addict!!!!!!!

you can get over HARD DRUG ADDICTION MUCH FASTER than you can get over a BROKEN HEART!!!

shit i was thinking i should try some hard drugs just to get some more time and distance!

i mean with this amount of RIDICULOUS, BLINDING, INHUMAN PAIN, its AMAZING and MIRACULOUS that i DIDNT do anything stupid! I totally UNDERSTAND why people STALK!

but i didnt stalk. so that is awesome. maybe that is proof that i am really NOT an Evil Stalker Abuser.

Although just yesterday i almost stepped on a pile of dog shit on the sidewalk and thought, gee wouldnt it be neat to put like a HUGE PILE of dogshit right in front of her house.

then i remembered, yeah, that would involve going to her house, and that is stalking, and stalking is wrong.

but the PAIN and SUFFERING of heartbreak is also so very wrong, so its easy to justify.

i mean its AMAZING i didnt start DRINKING again. and do stupid shit. get raging drunk and stalk her, get raging drunk and write her even more emails, or do something mean and angry.

i deserve to CONGRATULATE myself for not Falling Off The Wagon! Seriously! For NOT stalking her!

i feel like i have made a bit of a breakthrough finally. if i was at 5% before, maybe im at 10% now. on par to be a little less than 20 months to get over the whole thing hahahaha.

it feels Vindicating just to Acknowledge How Much Pain the Broken Heart Is. it is so so so so bad. i totally understand why some people cant handle it and K themselves! and other people go CRAZY and stalk and violence the other person! I totally understand it! shit i had some Fleeting thoughts of K’ing myself and S’ing her!!!!!

and those thoughts are painful and very uncomfortable too! adds to the heartbreak!

heartbreak basically IS a Severe Derpression. if you have been through a Serious Heartbreak that took a long time to get over, not one of those stupid girly heartbreaks where they fook a guy, get preggers, get an abortion, they are back to their normal happy promiscuous degenerate pig self within a week, but a REAL heartbreak, where it takes months and months and it CHANGES you, shit, that is pretty much Severe Depression right there.

it is like being killed and hurt and abused and raeped every day! only the abuser is in your mind, your thoughts.

so you cant blame it on them the same way you could blame like if you had a family member that was molesting you every day. that is almost LESS COMPLICATED.

and i am angry because she TOTALLY COULD HAVE lessened this heartbreak. this heartbreak didnt HAVE to be so bad. it would never have been GOOD, but it could have TOTALLY been not THIS bad. she could have Mitigated a LOT of this HORRIBLE PAIN in the way she handled it. she could have handled it a lot better. I BEGGED HER TO HANDLE IT BETTER. I said quote please reconsider the way you are handling this, i am hurting a lot, this will take me a long time ot get over, please please treat me like a human being and not a piece of garbage, please at least just respond to me and try to let me down easier please.

i still struggle with i should contact her and let her know how much pain she caused, how she broke my heart and caused me more pain than anyone has in YEARS, shit, when someone causes you THIS MUCH PAIN, you want to hold them ACCOUNTABLE for it, and make sure they KNOW THEY DID SOMETHING WRONG, DAMN WRONG.

but that way i was begging for mercy pretty much says “you broke my heart”.

but she didnt read it.

well she probably wouldnt read some angry thing saying “YOU BROKE MY HEART AND I WANT YOU TO FEEL GUILTY FOR IT” either!

plus one thought is, you dont want them to know how much they hurt you, or something.

well i want them to know EXACTLY how much they hurt me!!!!!!! you cant go around causing this kind of pain and be totally ignorant of it!

IT SERVES YOU RIGHT TO SUFFER!

POWER.

that is another question you should ask: what is the balance of power in this relationship?

as things got worse and worse, it became less a relationship of equals, and more and more clear that she had all the POWER, power over my feelings and emotions, power to shut down commuincation entirely. she had all the power and i had no power. thats what it felt like to me.

i hadnt just gone halfway. i went right to her proverbial doorstep and BEGGED, please share something with me. and she entirely refused. theres nothing i can do to change that. i cant fix that. she has to want it. if she WANTED it, she’d DO it. she did not want it or do it.

yeah having a straight conversation would have made the heartbreak less painful. less CRAZY. i mean it is so intense it is driving me CRAZY. makes you think crazy violent or revenge thoughts. its her fault because she ended it poorly hahahaha. no i dont mean that, its not her fault, she didnt INTEND to cause this much pain, i grant that. but she is no fooking innocent in the matter. 66 33.  what she did to me was at LEAST TWICE as bad as what i did to her.

with woman2012, she was NICE, she was a mature adult, she wrote me a 1 paragraph email, and that heartbreak was nowhere near as bad, nowhere near as crazy, i never wanted to do anything stupid crazy. i was angry and disappointed and hateful sure. but nowhere near as much pain.

heartbreak is like having your heart ripped out every day, all day, constantly. worst pain you can ever imagine. worse than death. it is like being in prison and being raped in the ass every day. how can that not destroy and ruin you.

this is true heartbreak.

i guess that is proof that is was true love.

that is the reason it hurts so bad, for so long. because this was a serious person in your life and you wanted to have a serious rel with that. they were and i did. most assuredly.

it is a BIG deal not a small deal. it changes you profoundly. well i needed a profound personal change hahahahaha.

so this is muh breakthru thank god. i was thinking and talking abotu this yesterday to muh recorder.

  1. to realize HOW painful heartbreak is and just accept that damn OCEAN OF PAIN;
  2. that if she really WANTED it to work, she WOULD DO SOMETHING
  3. theres literally nothing i can do. my work here is done. i begged for mercy at her door and she slammed it and locked it forever.

its amazing people can SURVIVE this pain. it is NO SURPRISE people K themselves and K others! the pain is BLINDING and MADDENING and PSYCHOTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you literally feel like you are GOING INSANE! take the worst pain you felt before and multiply it BY INFINITY!!!!!!!!!!

yet i know i will survive, the pain will go away in like TWO YEARS, i will survive as a BROKEN HUSK, half the man i used to be, half of half of half the man i used to be!!!!!! and live the rest of my life as a ruined, broken man, a Horrible Husk.

it is NO SURPRISE that WOMEN who undergo this pain TOTALLY RUIN and DEFILE themselves with SlutSex, go through a series of cox just to distract you from the pain.

IMHO Drugs would be the better choice, less defiling.

Drugs are less dangerous to womens dignity than a series of cox.

you cant get pregnant from drugs. you cant create an innocent, miserable, horrible, wretched life with drugs. that poor bastard child who is either aborted or lives a horrible life with a whore mother and a Ghost Father.

the abortion is probably better for the child! mercy killing! to avoid a horrible, godforsaken existence!

maybe thats gonna be my moral slippery slope to justify abortion, similar to my moral excuses for euthanasia.

“better for this poor child to never be born because their life would be guaranteed miserable and shitty.”

anyway muh breakthrough.

that was about it. thats abotu the strength of it above. hope this helps hahahaha how about u

i also thought, she could apologize WITHOUT getting my hopes up or leading me on.

HOW FOOKING ARTICULATE DO YOU HAVE TO BE?

she had conversations with the other guys!

you just need ONE PARAGRAPH.

say, “I dont want to get your hopes up or lead you on. i am sorry to say but we are never going to get together. its me not you. it just will never happen and i am sorry to break your heart. but i wanted to apologize for giving you the silent treatment, i understand that probably added to your pain. i want to let you down easy and reduce as much pain as possible because you are a good person. i think you are a good person and i dont hate you. but i could never like you the way we want, and we should go our separate ways. i didnt mean to cause you pain, but in these situations, pain is inevitable, and i am sorry for your pain. i hope you can get over it quickly. you will find someone great some day. it just cannot be me.  i am sorry to break your heart. i wish the best for you but this has to end. im sorry.”

thats IT. one paragraph that i wrote in TWO MINUTES. THATS IT. THATS ALL SHE HAD TO DO. just like woman2012 did.

you can apologize for your immature hurtful behavior and still clearly say its over.

come on. you had difficult conversations with other guys. WHAT DID YOU SAY TO THEM?

why couldnt you extend me that same courtesy??!?!?! just because you were De-invested in me and wanted to wash your hands of me? because you didnt luv me? god damn. you didnt HAVE to luv me, i just wanted to be treated with the RESPECT and COURTESY you did when we were friends. that is half of the heartbreak right there. i deserved better. i didnt necessarily DESERVE to have her luv me because that just happens or it doesnt, deserved or not, but i DID deserve to be treated like a human being, treated with respect, dignity, courtesy, not be fooking shunned like a god damn pariah.

you dont intend to break someones heart. there is absolutely nothing anybody can do about that. but you DO intend to talk to them or not talk to them about it. you absolutely CAN do something about that, and make a REAL difference. that is the part that gets me so damn angry, and makes the heartbreak twice as fooking painful.

I DONT ALWAYS FIND A WOMAN I WANT TO HAVE A SERIOUS REL WITH, BUT WHEN I DO, SHE BREAKS MUH HEART HORRIBLY & IT TAKES YEARS TO GET OVER IT

98

aw sheet. welp. go to shrink today. still obsessed with the damn woman. last night i grabbed the rosary again and waved it around my head, saying “PLEASE LORD ERASE HER FROM MY MEMORY”. cuz this is just ridiculous.

try to get muh 8.4 miles in today. or is it 8.6. 2.8 times 3 is….8.4 ok.

so i was not blameless, but what she did was at least two times worse than what i did. therefore, Culpability is split 66 33. doesnt look good for her.

she is basically the one that screwed it up. sabotaged it. i BEGGED her to meet me halfway and please try to not necessarily fix this, but dont hurt me so much. she staunchly refused. because its easier to do nothing than to even try to mitigate some of that hurt. so thats how much she cares for me, just lets me drown!

its just sad and painful that Modern Women let men stick their dicks in them and the women have no feelings for the men. not on my watch! i mean i dont blame the men. this is men’s nature. the men are not going against their nature. but i think the women ARE going against THEIR nature!

this WHOLE situation is just unbelievably retarded. my life has been turned upside down.

ok so she didnt do a 180 because she was already 90% checked out, so she just did the remaining 10%. it wasnt 100% all at once.

well it didnt feel like that to me! I didnt KNOW she was THAT much checked out! i didnt think she was possibly more than 50% checked out!!!! so thats why it felt like a 180 to me!

also, 180 or 10 or whatever, REGARDLESS of how she felt about me, I thought she was a BETTER PERSON than that. I thought I KNEW HER better. I can Know Her regardless of whether i know How Much she’s Checked Out on Me. I thought I KNew her, i thought she was a decent person who would never treat ANYBODY like this.

well i dont think she would treat just anybody like this. just me. or just guys in unrequited luv with her.

i think that is prob most likely. this is just how she treats guys who like her but who she doesnt like.

which, suprisingly, doesnt happen TERRIBLY often with her, compared to Average Young Women, who have 9000000000 Beta/Omega Orbiters in luv with them at any given moment!

sometimes the women just dont do anythign and just LET the guys be in luv with them. I imagine those guys probably eventually snap too.

but yeah it is like i was stabbed in the heart!

weird. i can do a LITTLE bit more and some of my most Overt Symptoms are improving, but i am still as Heartbroken as Forever, my heart is still not at rock bottom yet!

sooooo fooking retarded and stupid and i cant believe any of this shit even happened. still sort of in shock.

i sort of DO hope this eats her up and makes her feel horribly guilty!!!!! she SHOULD!!!! this is a horrible thing to do to a person!

well she will express her guilt and shame by fooking all sorts of guys she has no feelings for hahahaha. why not me hahahaha. i would have enjoyed 2 seconds of cuddling. or making out would have been very special to me. now she will let swarthy scumbags Aggressively ram their cox down her throat as she slobbers all over their cox. fooking disgusting and horrifying.

are u foking kidding! of COURSE i want her to “come to her senses” and say im sorry lets talk about this. but that is not gonna happen. and me contacting her is not gonna MAKE it happen, in fact it will make me look even more like a creepy bad guy. no thank you.

even though SHE is more the bad guy than me (66 33), she can still convince everyone she knows that I was the bad guy, because shes the woman and im the man. and the INSTANT i make her “feel uncomfortable” then she can treat me HORRIBLY because at that point ive crossed the line.

honestly though i can think of several sensible people she talks to, about 3 or 4 of them, and i would think that if she told them the full honest story, theyd tell her, dont you think youre being a little harsh to him, you should at least talk to him. so i think shes either not saying anything to them (oh were fine, were still friends, nothing happened) or she is twisting the truth (“he made me feel uncomfortable, so he is the bad guy and deserves no mercy whatsoever”)

(“FAT SHAMING IS A THING” shut the fook up fat bitch hahahaha go powerwalkjog 8 miles a day.)

i made her feel uncomfortable but NOT UNSAFE. there is a big difference.

when you have Issues in your relationship, it SHOULD be uncomfortable.

I WAS UNCOMFORTABLE TOO!!!!

thats why i wanted to talk about it. not to FIX it because it couldnt be fixed, but to be BE HONEST and RESPECTFUL and MATURE and have good KARMA and good COMMUNICATION and be RESPONSIBLE and DEAL WITH shit rather than AVOIDING and IGNORING shit.

come on.

maybe the mature acceptable thing is, when a friend gets feelings, youre just SUPPOSED to not talk to them ever again, and the idea of talking about the feelings, talking about the state of the relationship, is patently ridiculous, and no normal mature healthy adult would ever do this. maybe the right normal thing to do is to just ignore and avoid and not deal with it, but just throw it away like shit.

i cant believe that. because i am in so much pain and feel so slighted. i didnt want to “make her luv me.” i just wanted to TALK to her. and i am hurting a lot and she is hurting not nearly as much, and i think talking about it would have signif reduced my hurt, tho not eliminated it, but at least reduced it by 50%! and that would be great!

all she would have to do is talk abotu it. and by talk i mean responding to any of my 4 emails would have been respectable.

98 later

ok went the shrink.

what did we get out of it. shrink urged to accept that its over and try to move on. it will be painful and may take months and months and months. i said i know i shouldnt contact her and i probably wouldnt, but its still a daily struggle, and still i am tempted to.

shrink said she probably would not respond and i have to live with that, and probably should not contact.

i said well maybe i did deserve this because i made her feel uncomfortable, and men should never do that to women.

shrink said well communication is the key to a healthy relationship.

there was the issue of the woman kinda sorta implied that i was annoying her once back in like february. so i should have listened and stopped bugging her. and i think i did “behave” for a little while, for a few weeks.

but that was still just fooking avoidance. now i was the bad guy for wanting to communicate about an obvious problem.

AT THIS POINT YOU WRITE AN EMAIL AND OR BLURT IT OUT.

when the woman expresses annoyance at your efforts to communicate…………..

………….but you actually still have not communicated about the issue yet.

what the fook.

so shrink encouraged to do some positive self affirmations, look at self in the mirror and say i am a good worthwhile person, i am getting better day by day, i deserve love and kindness, i am getting over this, it is painful but i will get over it someday, today i am gonna choose to make it a good day, when i think of her, i will choose not to obsess about it, and treat myself with gentle loving kindness. i did not deserve to be treated that way. its over and i will get over it and move on.

i said well maybe i DO DESERVE it because i was being NEEDY and CLINGY and made her UNCOMFORTABLE.

but in my heart of hearts, do i really think i DESERVED this? of course not!

i wasnt pushing her to Be In Luv with me, i was pushing her to talk about our god damn problems and she kept avoiding it!

shrink said, interesting, to notice what we had problems commuincating about, and i could learn a lesson from that.

i said i agree 100%, interesting you mention that, becuase even while things were still “GOOD” a year ago, and we communicated pretty good, there were Things We Never Mentioned. Both I and She were too scared to mention them directly: like her new boifran. she wasnt gonna bring it up, and i wasnt gonna bring it up. i was too scared to bring it up and she SURE AS HELL wasnt gonna bring it up.

i should have just asked directly about her new boifran.

and then said, “WOW, IM SURPRISED. I didnt think youd be dating somebody SO SOON. lets TALK ABOUT THAT.”

and that would have made us comfortable with communication about Her Romantic Life, and would have ABSOLUTELY opened the door to me talking about my feelings about her.

“how do you feel about me? could you ever date a guy like me? have you ever developed feelings for a friend? do you think we could ever go out someday? we get along real well and we trust each other and i wonder if we should try that. especially if this guys a jerk and cheats on you.”

we could have had discussions like that, early on, and shit would have never built up the way it did.

so, those topics you dance around can end up having a fookin ripple effect a year later.

like youre afraid to talk about her boifrans directly…………then you will also have trouble facing the elephant in the room when YOU have feelings for her and want to be her boifran!

lesson learned: dont be afraid to commuincate with your female frend directly and EARLY about her Secsy Relationshits. USE THAT to open the door to talk about You And Her. even if you dont have feelings for her YET.

say, “I dont have feelings for you………YET.”

just be fooking honest!!!!!!! no need to make up stories!!!!!!!!!

say, “i dont have feelings for you……….yet. but in the past i have developed feelings for my female friend after 2 years of planktonic frenship. also, sometimes i think its weird that i dont have feelings for you, BECAUSE: we get along really well; we commuincate well; we respect each other; we like each other; i am a tender sentimental cuddly guy who could theoretically provide the Affection you like; also you are not hard on the eyes! even if im not in luv withyou and dont jerk off thinking about you………..yet, i can appreciate you are a good looking woman. so yeah, given all this, 50% chance i could develop feelings for you within 3 months, and i think we should revisit this conversation regularly, and we should both think about that regularly. rather than you secretly dating scumbag shady sleazy guys who treat you bad. i would treat you a lot better.”

BAM. perfect conversation. say that as SOON as she Breaks Up with her Long Term Boifran. at the latest, as SOON as you even THINK she is dating someone new.

talk about the elephant. talk about her relationships. shit talk about YOUR relationships! talk about yours and hers relationship!

the pick up artists say dont “just be yourself”, becuase bitches dont like your beta pussy unmasculine self.

i say just be your damn self but dont let yourself be walked on and crapped on, be assertive, and be honest.

i remember one day at the job complaining to my male friend, who gave me way better moral AND technical support than my female former friend, and i said god damn this is crazy, this chaos and confusion, i hate not knowing what to say to these people becuase i dont really know whats going on, and having to come up with some bullshit story so it sounds like i know what im doing, but i dont, ive never seen this before……….

and he said, well why dont you just be honest and tell them the truth, tell them, “I DONT KNOW.”

I smiled at him and said thats why i like you so much bruh, because you keep it THAT real. i wish i COULD do that. i would like to be more like you and be able to say that with no shame. because why the fook should we know EVERYTHING. our leaders dont know a damn thing. nobody knows anything. ask 10 leaders, get 10 different answers. yet they refuse to talk to people, they make US talk to people and put us between a rock and a hard place. and i would be so happy to just cut out the bullshit and say, I DONT KNOW.

but i was TOO INSECURE to do that. my male friend was/is much more secure. but me and him connected instantly and he also didnt mind that i was hella insecure, WELL, i dont go telling it from the mountain either! IMMMM INSECUREEEEEE fook that i dont do that, i know better.

shrink also recommended listening to something positive like dr wayne dyer, who just died recently. oh i didnt know that, i said, thats too bad. i have appreciated most of his stuff ive seen.

cuz i listen to MRA right wing MGTOW antimarxist stuff, and pro-marxists like to accuse us of being HATEFUL HATERS spewing POISON, and SOME of the MGTOW types are borderline woman haters. but not all. i really only listen to two guys, millennial woes and bernard chapin. i might be identifying myself here.

so i thought, well “woesy” i dont think is hateful, and i dont think UNCLE BERN is hateful, but The Bern’s enemies say he is a hateful woman hater.

I do wish Uncle Bern would find himself a nice woman someday, because he would be a great Father I think, and I would like to see him have 3 kids.

anyway i dont know if he’s “given up” on women or not. he seems to be very happy without them. i have not reached that point yet. i will always desire a Loving Intimate Longterm Monogamous Relationship with a Woman. (I have to specify all those things hahahaah)

that is a pretty serious thing which i dont take lightly, so its not often i find a woman I WANT to have that kidn of serious rel with.

BUT WHEN I DO, THEY DUMP ME IN THE WORST POSSIBLE WAY AND IT TAKES YEARS TO GET OVER IT!

when some b dumps you for being too needy, tell her

“HUMAN BEINGS NEED LUV! HUMAN BEINGS NEED INTIMATE RELATIONSHITS, YA STUPID BITCH!”

really the point she is TRYING to make, but is too DIM to ARTICULATE it, is that she doesnt want you to Need Luv with HER. youve got to force them to Empathize by starting from a Narcissistic Start Point:

“Put yourself in my shoes, baby. Think of yourself. think of time when you NEEDED that big badboy brute, but he didnt need you back. how did that make you feeeeeeeeeel? well thats what youre doing to me. so if im too needy, YOURE TOO NEEDY TOO, YOU FOOKING CHILD. DONT BE FACILE.”

Real “Neediness” is more like “CODEPENDENCY” where you cant LIVE without the person and are texting them HUNDREDS of times a day, see them EVERY day, have to talk to them on the phone every day for 2 hours before bed.

jeez. i wish i could have talked to her for just ONE HOUR, ONCE. that would have been all i needed to tell her all i wanted to tell her.

ok i did not deserve this because

  1. i was not a random stranger
  2. i knew her for over 2 years
  3. we used to be friends and had a good strong history
  4. i was not abusing her
  5. i migth have been making her feel uncomfrotable but i was not making her feel UNSAFE
  6. i was feeling uncomfortable too, because there was a HUGE ELEPHANT in the room that she avoided talking about at EVERY opportunity and REFUSED to talk to me about whenever I tried to talk about it
  7. i wasnt ABUSING her, even emotional abuse
  8. i wasnt trying to make her Luv me, i just wanted to Talk About Our Relationship.

so yeah its very important that i convince myself i did not deserve this.

oh hey one of my favorite Active Metal Bands has a brand new album out, now that is a good day. better than some broad who treats you with no respect.

it doesnt matter if it was unintentional. she has had MORE than enough time to come to her senses and god damn apologize and try to improve karma. she has not. that might well mean it IS intentional, and she has doubled down and thinks she is right. so fookin stupid. she was smarter than that. she can do better than that. she is a decent person. so stupid that the first time in her life she does something really shitty……………………….guess who is on the receiving end of it.

she honestly thinks i ABUSED her?

the stupid thing is, she’s honestly had guys treat her worse! like cheat on her! and take their luv away from her! and she desperately tried to communicate with them! yet she never responded when i tried to communicate with her! but she wasnt in luvvvvvv with me, thats the difference. well fook that. i knew she wasnt in luvvvvvv with me but i thought she respected me as a god damn human being. fooking abandoned me.

well won a shit load of money at the poker table today. last week i had my biggest loss day ever, today i had muh biggest win day ever. all in with AA and sucked two others in, stack went from like 3.70 to 10. holy shit. earlier in the day i had muh stack go from 4 to 5.

max buyin is 4, i always start with 4. that is like 4 quarters. one dollar. 1 chip is 1 mBTC wich is .001 BTC which is about 23 cents.

7 quarters. 23 cents. 1.61 of real money i won today hahahaha.

yeah did 3 2.8 milers, got muh 8.4 miles in today. had to. its the best way i can get thru day by day.

what does she want to FIX these guys? she could have FIXED me! theres plenty about me that needs to be fixed, and a decent longterm monog rel would have fixed it too! she would have seen some results of her fixing! but nooooooooo.

so just tell bitches with a smug smirk that you need to be FIXED, and then they will let you impregnate them within 5 minutes.

HEY ITS YOUR UTERUS, IM NOT THE ONE WHO CAN GET PREGGERS / DISABUSED OF THE DELUSION / NEVER TRUST KIND EYES / WHAT A WORLD

97

shit. well if im gonna hate women i migth as well go all in and try to get it out of my system. its not liek i am gonna go be violent or abusive. i might have casual sex with a willing woman however and then refuse to date her monogamously hahahahahaha hey its her uterus, im not the one who can get preggers, she can always get an abortion hahahahahaha

god damn. having somethign good and then losing it. we didnt have the entirety of what i wanted, but we did have a good friendship, and it hurts a lot “just” to lose THAT. i cant believe it doesnt hurt her too.

i am not angry at her, well i wasnt till very recently, and she was angry at me.

thats a tough situation, when one person is angry. and the not angry person is begging and supplicating the angry person for mercy. stupid.

what did i do? cheat on her and now im in the “doghouse” and have to beg for mercy?

no, i was a friend who got feelings.

well whats better, when they Allow You to Still Be Graced by their presence even after youve got feelings?

well i argue theres a happy medium of they can say something or respond somehow to the feelings.

but she did respond to the feelings, nonverbally.

fooking women and their nonverbal bullshit. so stupid.

verbalizing shit makes people hate you less.

nonverbalizing it makes them hate you more and causes more hate and grief and drama in the world.

verbalizing is GOOD karma.

nonverbalizing is BAD karma.

very simple. even WOMEN could understand THAT verbalization!!!!!!!!

verbalizing is GOOD karma.

nonverbalizing is BAD karma.

just for good measure.

well i had the good karma and she had the fooking shitty ass karma.

men are good karma.

women are bad karma hahahahaha.

men are dogs, women are cats.

thats why women have all these stupid cats and are obsessed with their god damn EVIL SOCIOPATH cats, because women are evil sociopaths.

GOD FORBID i ever become such an EVIL SOCIOPATH.

shit i EXPECTED this sort of bullshit out of average normal degenerate dumb women but NOT HER. i thought we was different. she WAS different at one time. then she changed.

i changed, she changed.

i changed from liking her to like liking her, she changed from liking me to hating me. i think that was a bit out of proportion.  and she changed from good to evil hahahaha.

unfookingbelievable.

i did not know this awful person she became.

i never thought she could do something so cold to me. i trusted her and i thought she thought more of me As A Living Human Being than that. Regardless of how Fight Or Flight, or Avoidance oriented she is.

well, i guess that is not irrelevant. you can still care about a person, but treat them like you dont care at all, because of Avoidance????!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

i dunno.

also, when you BLOCK somebody, it means you are ANGRY at them.

but does it?

it can also mean you are AVOIDING them.

i cant even say if shes angry at me or not! all i can say is that she is AVOIDING me!

shit.

well i said in all the emails that “my door is always open”. but she prob didnt read these emails. the most beautiful emails ever written, the most beautiful thing ever verbalized from one person to another in all of human history. because women dont like writing, talking, or verbalizing. god damn stupid bitches! how can you hate VERBALIZING!

WHY WOULD YOU WANT EVERYTHING TO BE CONFUSING AND UNCERTAIN ALL THE TIME?

CONFUSION/AMBIGUITY IS NATURALLY STRESSFUL FOR ALL HUMANS, MEN AND WOMEN!

hehehe might be time for another 2.8 miler. you see why i do those.

but yeah i….. could not be cool enough to do the Pretend Like I Dont Like Her Gambit to try to Win Her Back. that just feels like a bad idea on gut level.

unless i had cooled off to the point where i didnt like her any more.

cuz its terrible to meet them again after a few months, still want them more than ever, all the feelings come back, they might get guilted into having secs with you because, then your hopes get even higher, feels get even higher, but deep down, they are still cold against you and dont have feelings for you at all.

learned that from woman2004 and woman2005a! in both cases i tried to “get back with them” and it of course backfired in just that way.

really dont want to repeat THAT mistake!

and i never did. course i had never been that close to a woman from 2006 to like 2015!

heh. CLOSE TO a woman. a CLOSE CONNECTION.

you can know a woman for 2 years and have less of a connection with her, than guys she met 2 HOURS ago. un fooking believable how gullible and stupid and self destructive women are. its amazing they even exist. maybe they should be locked up like handmaids tale brood mares and have men control their Reproduction, becuase they obviously make the SHITTIEST REPRODUCTIVE DECISIONS!!!!!

like a BABY WITH A GUN.

they are not INTELLIGENT enough to handle the RESPONSIBILITY that they are BORN WITH!

how does THAT happen?

shitty degenerate culture, no father figures, public skools, tv, media, horrible friends, i know i know.

so on some “metrics” i am Getting Better, but in terms of beign OBSESSED with how could she do this, i cant believe this could happen, i am just as bad as ever.

she did this because she is just avoiding the situation, and nothing i can do can make her STOP avoiding the situation. serenity to accept the things i cant control.

and even if i could control her responding to me, i couldnt MAKE her like me.

heh. ok might need to do another 2.8er here, go for the 8.4 day today.

ok did a 2.2 er but will do another 2.8er later.

shit. you cant MAKE somebody stop avoiding you.

i liked her because she was not CRAZY the way so many women are CRAZY.

but then she went and was CRAZY TO ME and me alone.

holy shit i will never luv another person again.

well thats not true, i luv all the poor lazy losers out there.

but loving a woman in that special, long term, monogamous, baby making way?

NEVER AGAIN. MY HEART IS PERMANENTLY BROKEN.

DIED OF A BROKEN HEART it will say on my tombstone. hahahaha. no jk i wont DIE but muh life will never be the same.

but maybe thats GOOD!!!!

well its good in some ways. i GUESS its good to be out of that horrible job envronment. its GOOD to be DISABUSED of the DELUSION that there is a Living Relationship between me and THAT WOMAN.

it is good that i am Exercising moar. i think 8.4 miles a day is gonna be absolutely mandatory.

so lets say you are at planet fatness in the winter fighting for a treadmill between all the fat single mom hambeasts and the fat stinking arabs hahahahaha, and you have to go to the bathroom. or you because you have to walkjog for a full 150 minutes 7 days a week in order to lose 1 pound per month, you just want to go to the bathroom or rest for a few minutes because normally you would break this up, into 3 damn 50 minute sessions.

so is there some way you can save your treadmill for x minutes? would they let you rest for like 15 minutes and then come back? i was under the impression that everybody is fighting for a god damn treadmill after 4 or 5 pm.

anyway. it didnt have to be this way. woman2015 should take fookin NOTES from woman2012, who handled it a SHITLOAD better by writing one god damn email, which gave her untold great karma over woman2015. ONE EMAIL GOES SUCH A LONG WAY. it wasnt even a LONG email. it was like one decent paragraph. I wrote like 100 decent paragraphs in my series of emails to woman2015.

what did woman2012 say? exactly what you would expect: im sorry, i just dont have those feelings for you, youre still a great person, i dont want to hurt you, its been nice knowing you, sorry to let you down. and i responded saying thank you for being honest with me, that is so much better than what MOST WOMEN do, being lying bitches and spineless cowardly chickenshits hahahaha no i didnt say that. but i said thank you for treating me with the respect to give it to me directly.

and that was it. done. i wasnt JUMPING FOR JOY, but i was never super angry or hateful or bitter towards her. she handled it like a damn MAN hahahaha. verbalized it directly and unambiguously. of COURSE most women wouldnt do that. they just dont COMMUNICATE like that! well i wondered about her gender identity anyway, she was kind of mannish. asexual virgin lesbian or potential female to male transsexual hahahaha. not even really kidding. but she still had a nice body and A Kind Face hahahaha. Kind Eyes.

well so did woman2015!!!!!

DONT TRUST KIND EYES.

NEVER TRUST KIND EYES.

Learning some Great Life Lessons thru the Beauty of Intimate Relationships With Women!

It really PAYS OFF to get CLOSE to people hahahaha.

GREAT LIFE LESSONS hahaha.

no i am entering a blatantly angry phase right now. that is fine. no problem mon.

i cant believe that fooking cvnt, i trusted her, i LOVED her!!!!!!!!!! and she broke muh heart mercilessly, and it will remain broken and useless for like a damn year of my life! my precious time!!!!! why have we even evolved the capacity to LOVE??!?!?!

oh wait i know the answer of course. its a K-selected thing in colder climates, to encourage nuclear families, high investment parenting.

but our Culture, since the Rise Of Cultural Marxism, is ecnouraging r-selection over K-selection.

meaning, you have Broods Of Babbys like they do in the Bush and go for QUANTITY over QUALITY. while K selection is QUALITY over QUANTITY.

so have lots of secs, have lots of babbys, or lots of abortionz, whatever you want, if it feels good, do it, short term instant gratification, no consequences, no commitment.

bitcoin poker note: u get krill even if u FOLD immed & never bet! assuming theres rake. about .1 krill for .01 rake. need .40 pot, never happens at .01 table, much more at .02 tho. just sitting at the table gets u krill!!

(krill is the rewards/promotions system for Loyal Playerz like moi. But the trick is, you get barely any krill playing at the .01/.02 table, and WAY more krill playing at the .02/.04 table, because at that higher table, you get way more pots that are .40 and above! which is necessary for a rake, which is then necessary for krill. ANYWAY you dont even have to BET, you can get crap cards and fold them immediately, and if theres a rake, you will get krill!)

now, is krill REALLY important is another question.

ok i gotta go back out there. 2.8 miler ftw.

ok did that. didnt really get woman out of mind. thought about how i would never want anybody but her. that we would make The Perfect Couple. that i really should contact her in like 3 months.

but yeah. i would still have feelings, and she would probably have less feelings, and what happens when one person has less feelings and the other person has blatantly more? they dump you within 2 months.

unless its the woman who has more feelings. then that will continue as long as the man wants.

if the man has more feelings, it will continue as long as the woman wants. which will prob be 1 to 2 months, no more, becuase she will always have a Cast Of Suitors on Deck. makes you feel real special to be Auditioned among a Sea of So Many Applicants!

7.8 miles today. i got cut short a bit.

god damn. women are such fooking BULLSHIT. youre a moron if you DONT hate them!!!!!!!!

well im back to wanting a Harem of 90000 18 year old qts just to have secs with. fook this INTIMACY with WOMEN.

well let me make a point. I believe: THE MORE MONOGAMOUS, THE MORE INTIMATE, because you aren’t SHARING your intimacy with addditional people.

so ideal intimacy is inherently monogamous.

i say this to all the women who want to date 10000000 men and have all their sperm swimming around in their uteral gateway ie Dem Beef Curtainz they gleefully spread for the cameras and for the cox.

fooking PIGS. it used to be a very respectable thing to be a wife and mother. be a virgin gurl who married young and started having babbys young. it didnt mean there was abuse and beatings and raep and shit.

i just want a nice gurl who isnt a fooking disgusting degenerate pig! is that too much to ask!

of course it is hahahaha. and the recent woman was not a degen pig but she STILL treated me like crap. out of character no less. low odds. unbelievable.

so i would prefer a degen pig who treats me GOOD then?

well the crucial factor is that i LUV the woman. and its not likely i would LUV a degen pig. i already did, i thought that was a lesson learned then, that i got my pig screen working.

oh thats another thing.

NEVER TRUST A WOMAN ON THE PILL.

it makes them even MORE crazy, makes them even MORE slutty, lowers their already low sense of screening, makes them have secs with ANYONE. makes them more prone to cheat, makes them hornier, makes them like a “bat with broken radar, bumping into everything and everyone” to quote MUH BOY Varg Vikernes.

I approve of his Traditional Life, Traditional Wife, Traditional Children, Traditional Homeschool and Homesteading Life.

of course i would side with a “Vile Racist Neo Nazi Anti Semite” right?

ikr.

tbh yes lol heil hitler 1488.

that is bitches idea of verbal communication. everthing is sarcasm, or a stupid joke, or  misses the point, or its like youre talking to a wall, or an infant. they cant think in more than 2 sentences. thats why they like texting so much. verbal communication is not something they like or are good at.

and this is how they Build Sexual Relationships and Choose the men who will Father their children and fill up our world with even more degenerate Human Garbage!

what a world!

that was a saying i used a lot on an old blog, but it is more relevant now than ever!

bitches and whores.

put this in the top shelf book, this is a top 10% post hahahaha.

heh. was “supposed” to have some nyquil today but i totally forgot about it. now it is kinda late to take the nyquil cuz i like to take it around 6 or 7 at the latest.

so if texting is verbal communication, why do women like texting so much?

becuase it allows them to bring verbal communication DOWN TO THEIR LEVEL of shitty nonverbal communication. they take the verbal and ruin in and pervert it and make it into ambiguous, confusing nonsense. CHAOS REIGNS. anything to make chaos of out order, when MEN want to make ORDER OUT OF CHAOS.

no wonder men and women are natural enemies!

but Healthy people dont have such an ADVERSARIAL relationship with the opposite gender. its because i was raised with Traditional Gender Roles and Gender Pronouns and not ze, zir, zhe, and xyr.

any 18 year old will know i am not making this bullshit up.

YOU CANT BULLSHIT THE BULLSHITTER!

but i am really not THAT good at bullshitting either. otherwise i could sell myself better to jobs and women and have more success in that department.

i can bullshit OK, SOMETIMES. but not super good, all the time.

some good, some of the time.

goddam bitches can suck mah dick, bitches.

yeah at this point, gotta do 8.4 miles every day.

praying to GOD a little bit just to get her out of my mind. this is ridiculous. this can never happen again. the crux was working together. if we didnt work together

  1. the tension would have not built to such a point, ie we would have been more likely to communicate, and not gotten so goddam weird and ridiculous with me seeing her every day
  2. i would be able to keep the job
  3. i could use the job to distract me, rather than be distracted FROM my job, to the peril of my work performance!!!!!

now i cant even remember the good times anymore, cuz it all ended in such SHIT. its like its two different PEOPLE.

the pain is UNBEARABLE and UNRELENTING and MERCILESS. how can you NOT be changed?

but thank GOD i guess i am doing a little better. it really doesnt feel like it though. thank GOD i have a home.

well she can go have a bunch of bastard trash kids and i will laugh bitterly because she could have know True Love rather than being Fooked like a Cvmdumpster Whore. but if she thinks i am gonna be CAPTAIN SAVE A HO after she’s whored it up for a few years, shes got another thing coming.

so its a red flag of an abuser when a man uses words like “bitches” and “whores” and “sluts”. bla bla bla. i dont really use these words when talking to women unless i am joking. or trying to test them to screen them for sluttiness, to make sure they disapprove of sluttish behavior. you do not want to have a monog longterm rel with a SLUT.

type of woman that give Blowjobs to Guys In Cars.

it is sad to think she might be going down that path. so sad to see a good woman TURN bad. it breaks your heart all over again!

bitches and whores. the ones that arent disgusting whores will break your heart 10 times WORSE. i dont think i oculd get my heart broken by a whore because i would never fall in LUV with a whore again! havent in at LEAST 6 years when i got some feelings for a whore, but i wouldnt quite call it full blown Luv. she continues to pile up the cox even as she gets older, uglier, closer to The Wall. good fookin riddance whore hahahaha.

i can just repeat the same bullshit over and over again, like i cant believe SHE would do this. i thought i KNEW her. i TRUSTED her not to do something so heartless. especially to me. i thought our friendship well it did not entitle me to secs or to romantic luv, but i beleive it DID entitle me to RESPECT and COMMUNICATION and a Seat At The Table To TALK ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP.  OH NO THATS TOO MUCH TO ASK. god damn.

maybe it is. maybe people can do whatever they want.

well then i reserve the right to have Muh Feelings Hurt when somebody HURTS me!!!!!!! shit.

MEN VERBAL WOMEN NONVERBAL / BABY WITH A GUN

97

i CANT APOLOGIZE ANY MORE. i have apologized literally the max a human can apologize. i apologized literally every time i talked to her and emailed her. she’s not “waiting for an apology.” if anything IM waiting for an apology from HER! what, me apologize for apologizing too much? I think i already DID that too!

its like i’m hanging on to the edge of a crumbling cliff and she’s standing right there. she can easily grab my hand which is reaching out to her, please save me, but she just watches the rocks crumble away and me eventually fall to my doom.

or i am drowning and she is standing right there on the boat with tons of life preservers. i am screaming please halp meeeee and she can easily throw one out but she chooses not to , and to WATCH ME DROWN instead.

these are veyr good metaphors / images for what happened.

and I should be apologizing? i dont think so! She should be apologizing for letting me drown!

of course i was thinking, well i should contact her AGAIN, because she is just apprehensive or lazy or doesnt have the courage, and she is just waiting for me to contact her again, she’s ready now.

well if she were READY she would contact ME!!!!!!!!

also when people are in the WRONG, they very often DOUBLE DOWN and never come to their senses! and remain convinced for the rest of their lives that they were right. this is very very common. i might be doing it to convince myself that i am right and she is wrong hahahaha

also it is very very common for people to AVOID shit. thats ALL this is basically is her totally AVOIDING a situation entirely. avoid avoid avoid.

and can i make her not avoid, by popping up every so often?

she obviously doesnt want a Rel with me. she was Detaching from me for a long time. that was HER signal. she said, o god, he likes me, no thank you, i am done with this, but i am too cowardly to tell him and talk to him about it.

yeah i just didnt think she was THAT cowardly though, i thought she was strong.

and yeah it hurts to have someone care about you, then they start withdrawing that care.

at least when someone DIES, you know they cared about you to the living end!

but she gradually made herself stop caring about me ever since she Discerned that I Liked Her!

and i certainly didnt start making myself try to stop caring about her! until recently!

good good let the hate flow thru u hahahaha

fookin bitches hahahaha

never put them ON A PEDESTAL and think oh they wouldnt do that, or they’re different, not all women are like that, shes different, she has morals, she has integrity, i can trust her, she cares about doing the right thing, she treats her relationships seriously, shes emotionally mature, bla bla bla bullshit.

men like to communicate directly, with words and conversations and emails and speaking and talking and writing, to eliminate ambiguity and confusion, to get everybody on the same page, make sure everybody understands.

women like to “communicate” using bullshit ambiguous signals, so that everybody is confused, and will intensely avoid/ignore any attempts to make it less confusing or less ambiguous. they want everybody to be confused, and not be on the same page, and hate each other forever. anything that involves words or writing or talking or anything VERBAL, they will avoid like the PLAGUE.

men verbal, women nonverbal. all the damn time.

and men have to learn the nonverbal language, but women never have to learn the verbal language because…………

women are the choosers. women have a uterus. women can get pregnant. even though many of them dont realize this.

and i am technically not butthurt about them being the choosers, or that men have to do all the Heavy Lifting and jumping through hoops.

except some men dont jump through hoops at all. Alpha Men are essentially Choosers of Women!

so, women use their power as Choosers of Men, to choose tons of Casual Sex, WITHOUT respecting and understanding the Power Of Pregnancy which gives them the POWER to be Choosers!

Yep thats about the strength of it. its like a BABY with a GUN.

Great Power with great IGNORANCE of the great responsibility attached!!!!

dumb bitches hahahaha.

also i can be nonverbal enough, i have learned THEIR language well enough, and sort of accept begrudgingly that they will never learn Mine, even though any smart person would agree that Direct Verbal communication is Better for the Greater Good of Humanity!!!! but women would rather everyone hate each other forever because of confusion and miscommunication, because DRAMA IS EXCITING!!!!!! and EXCITEMENT is the greatest thing in life.

MEN ARE LOYAL LIKE DOGS, WOMEN ARE LOYAL LIKE CATS.

thats why men generally prefer warm, loving, loyal, true, good dogs…..

…….and women generally prefer disloyal, cold, bitchy, traitorous, unloving, untrustworthy, horrible, evil, sociopath cats.

woman hating much?

trust me when women get rejected by a MAN, they become MUCH more man hating.

but thats only because they dont get rejected by men as much!

ummmm ok.

well my womanhate is not remarkably above average for men who were dumped in godawfully harsh ways like cheating or Ghosting hahahaha.

it can ONLY benefit you to bang a woman, any woman, as soon as possible.

shit i should have tried to bang her even when she was with her old longterm boifran, back when i was not into her. should have just forced myself to be into her. hint, its not that hard to FORCE yourself when the gurl is young and not fat and has no kids. even if there are little things about her that you initially find weird. like or her face is weird and her Buttocks are weird.

when when you are Deep In It, you will no longer find her Face or Buttocks so damn weird!!!!!!!!! you will say DAAAAAAMN how could i ever find those things weird? she is HAWT as FOOK!!!!!!

a kind of pedestal i guess.

i was thinking it might ALWAYS be to your benefit that if a woman asks you about your love life, say you are “dating a few people but nothing serious” and smirk like a man who gets secs from a variety of wimmin whenever he wants, but cant find someone who meets his standards well enough to commit to monogamously.

of course it would be to your benefit!

unless you come across that one remaining traditional woman unicorn who thinks men dating several women is distasteful, just like women dating several women is distasteful!

and then shrug say oh well just having fun hey its not like Im the one who can get preggers!

and then say well if they get preggers, just get a god dam abortion bitch! hahaha its not like we live in iran! roe vs wade bitch! merika! muh rightz will not be abridged! wimminz right 2 chooze! wimmin r da choozerz!

not my problem! just a parasite that can be easily dealt with!

but maybe i should man up and contact her simply saying you are being ridiculous, stop being ridiculous and lets just hang out and make up already.

and then she will say ok i was waiting for you to MAN UP and say that and BE A MAN. that was my SHIT TEST.

also i might be “getting better” because i am not reading those fooking EMAILS every day over and over like i used to. the emails 1 thru 4 that i wrote her. i havent looked at  a one of them in weeks. so i guess that is a good sign.

i just cant believe she could do this to me.

why not. its just AVOIDANCE and avoidance is SO common because its the easy way out. I avoid and procrastinate and ignore shit ALL THE TIME. so do tons of people. and here she is avoiding me.

i mean i could send a brief thing “hi there just seein how ur doin ”

and see if that gets any response.

“wanna go to dinner get caught up”

that kind of thing.

well of COURSE i would have an ulterior motive to get her back!

i tried this in 2004/5 with woman2. (woman2004).

she kind of ignored me and i was real butthurt about that cuz we were actually fooking at the time and then she just disappeared, real sketchy. i was RIGHTFULLY angry about being ignored. i said fook her im not talking to that bitch ever again, i heard gossip she had been seen with other guys, she was the type with 900000 male friends, never trustworthy!

then 3 months later i thought i would Reach Out because it still felt like Unfinished Business, and i wanted a Fair Shake.

SOUND FAMILIAR?

I did get in touch with her, we started hanging out and making out again, i certainly could have banged her but i didnt, like an idiot. i certainly should have!

but by this time she was distanced from me, liked me less than before, and had even less interest in dating me, and opened “dated” other guys during that time and showed no interest in dating me, we would just make out and cuddle and she would have let me bang her if i were masculine enough!

so yeah she basically had LESS interest and feelings for me than before.

MY feelings were rekindled, her feelings were not really anything. less than before.

so then there was NEW pain, to get my hopes up; and also see that she was less interested than before. why couldnt i make her interested again?  because i wasnt masculine enough? i was 22 years old and had no experience with women, she was it.

so i could see a similar thing happening here. me get back in contact with woman2015, “chill hanging out”, i would get my hopes up without a doubt, and she would be cool as a cucumber the whole time, saying yeah im dating a couple guys, nothing serious, just secs, i can always get an abortion if i need, but im not gonna ever want to date you, i have even less feelings for you than i do for these random guys i met a few weeks/months ago.

so yeah that would be ripping an old wound open, making it fresh again, and pouring salt on it.

when you see someone who USED to like you, and then they are just cold as shit to you. that is VERY painful. women dont understand this hahahahaha. cold evil sociopath bitches. hahahaha.

better to be ANGRY and hateful and other-loathing, rather than sad and self-loathing!

also i am generally finding it easier to get out of bed, go powerwalking, than i did near the beginning, so that must be a good sign.

i just wish i were losing more weight with all this powerwalkjogging. i am losing no weight and doing a TON of powerwalkjogging.

tons of input, no output.

it just sucks that somebody i used to be so close to, that i used to trust, that i liked, that used to at least like me on some level, can now hate me, and hurt me so much, and i didnt even DO anything horribly wrong.

welcome to the real world hahahaha.

besides she was pulling away and being cold for months. the 180 was really more just an 18 or so. i just didnt want to see it.

i mean i can understand not having FEELINGS in return for me. but she definitely used to Like Me as a Friend, and i expected that because of that, that if it needed to end, it would end a lot better.

i was TRYING to make in end better, in my typically masculine way of direct communication, lets be verbal about it so we minimize the hurt feelings.

but nooooooooo.

well i was “being masculine” in a very unmasculine way, always supplicating and apologizing. bad call.

ok placed 15th out of like 57 people in this tournament and got nothing but shitty hands, i think i won one small pot. certainly had no good chance to “double up.”

but yeah. i will be the better person because I will never hurt someone else like she has hurt me!

way to abandon me bitch!

it really hurts and is painful to be abandoned like that.

ok out of the stupid freeroll tournament, time for first 2.8 miler of the day hahaha.

WHAT DID I DO THAT WAS SO BAD???

96

ooooooo you know what, i DESERVE the shitty treatment i got because I was shitty, i was AGGRESSIVE and made her feel UNCOMFORTABLE. i crossed the line and aggressively made her feel uncomfortable and unsafe, and at that point, they dont need to offer any explanation, they are allowed to outright BLOCK you without any communication, becuase you cant handle communication, you use communication as abuse, you aggressively abuse in trying to get communication, you make women Feel Unsafe.

wow. i dont even know what to say to that. didnt i worry about this weeks ago? of course i did.

maybe i made her feel uncomfortable, but UNSAFE? i dont think so. she knows i am not a violent person. shit i have proved i am not a violent person. i havent done anything stupid or violent or abusive towards her, other than make her feel uncomfortable because i was pushing her to hang out and i was getting more and more nervous and emotional. ok FINE that would make a person uncomfortable i admit it.

but my retort to that is, i am ENTITLED to make her a LITTLE uncomfortable because we had something REAL that was in jeopardy. I thought We Were Friends, and that that friendship “entitled” me to communication.

of COURSE me changing my feelings then changed the friendship to…..some kind of limbo, transition, purgatory. THATS WHAT I WANTED TO TALK ABOUT!!!!!!

WHAT DID I DO THAT WAS SO BAD????

i made her feel uncomfortable because i was pushing to talk about something that was affecting our rel; and not talking about it was affecting it (negatively!) too. the best damn response would be to talk about it, not NOT talk about it!

IT DOESNT MATTER what i was trying to talk about, NOTHING justifies you making a woman UNCOMFORTABLE!

see, i think that attitude of treating women as angelic fragile babies is not a good thing to do.

Sometimes you need to BREAK OUT of you COMFORT ZONE, and that is gonna be UNCOMFORTABLE by DEFINITION!!!!!!!

and the type of conversation we needed to have could not NOT be uncomfortable. but having the conversation would not necess Fix The Relationship, but it WOULD fix the ISSUE of, shit is getting weird. WELL HERES WHY.

oh but i wasnt making her feel uncomfortable, i was making her feel UNSAFE.

i call BULLSHIT on that.

well i dont have to have a History Of Violence, to make somebody FEEL unsafe.

BBBBUT  WE had enough of a history that she KNEW i was not a violent unsafe person! she trusted me and i trusted her!!!!!!

but i was too AGGRESSIVE. youre not supposed to be this AGGRESSIVE with people!

i dont think i was being TOO aggressive. besides women are not fragile angels who cannot take aggression, they are dirty whores who love being aggressively fooked hahahahaha.

but thats ROLE PLAYING, its not REAL aggression. all these rape fantasies and 50 shades of gray fantasies that all women have, its not a secret desire to actually be raped, its a desire to ROLE PLAY and to Role PLay Submission to an Aggressive Role Player. it means women enjoy PRETEND Aggression, NOT REAL Aggression!!!!!!! I would know that if i ever had a healthy relationship with a woman before, or was Sexually Or Emotionally Mature!!!!

hehehehehe goddam. well EXCUUUUUUUUUUUSE me for always getting dumped before the long term rel point!

thats BECAUSE i have red flags and am not MATURE enough for a long term rel! thats WHY they dump me before that point, because they can SEE i cant HANDLE it!!!!!

yeah this would have been a lot better if we didnt work together.

but i cant believe that with the benefit of hindsight, and a bit of time and distance to get a cool head….. she couldnt say omg i treated him horribly and should apologize for the bad karma! because she was the type of person to care about karma and Doing The Right Thing and Treating People with Respect. we TALKED about that sort of stuff, when we were on speaking terms, when we were friends.

im not asking to continue the friendship. the friendship could not possibly continue as is with my More Than Friends Feelings. this changes the nature of the whole rel, and needs to be talked about. i described all this fully in email4 or email3. one if not several of the damn emails that were never read. automatically deleted.

THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE. ABUSE IS NEVER OK.

EMOTIONAL ABUSE IS ABUSE.

well FOOK she emotionally abused ME worse than I emotionally abused her! she gave me Severe Silent Treatment, vs me Pushing To Hang Out once every Two Weeks. that is, i ASKED every two weeks, i wasnt asking ERRY DAY to actually hang out every two weeks! i never ACTUALLY hung out with her even once!

so next time i will be better about communicating via email if the b doesnt want to meet in person.

But Women Just Thing Email Is Weird. Thats one of the Natural Differences between Men and Women!

i call bullshit, because even though there ARE important diffs bw men and women, i dont think Email NEEDS to be one of them!

its communication! i thought women LOVED talking and communication hahaha.

but not that kind. they like talking face to face (hahahahahahah!!!!!) or texting.

well i will also be better with texting as well.

well, women dont like email, because they naturally think its WEIRD.

WOMEN THINK EVERYTHING IS WEIRD.

I especially like this stupid axe commercial where the guy touches his armpit to see if its dry, and the slutty announcer girl is selling the dryness of the product, and then she says why are you touching your armpit, DONT, THATS WEIRD.

when its OBVIOUS why he is touching his armpit, to test the dryness of the shitty product, and any normal person would see that, its NOT weird, it’s NOT ANYTHING.

but this is how emotional, irrational, and INFANTILE women naturally are. thats why they dont like email.

also because it gives the man a chance to write a long, detailed, logical, creepy, weird argument that she cannot respond to.

BBBBUT I thought all these women do masters degrees, so writing 50 page papers, making an argument/thesis, with 50 different sources, should be something they are VERY comfortable with!!!!!

well not all women do masters degrees, so not all women are comfortable with writing 50 page papers.

besides writing a paper is a lot harder than writing an email!

says ME!

well even if they just go to regular college, women still have to WRITE PAPERS, probably with the longest being 10 to 15 pages.

that would still be a good length for a solid, Its All Over, End Of Relationship, Closure Email!!!!

because you dont need to have beautiful profound A+ college sentences. you just write like you would talk, only hopefully in a more peaceful setting, where the other person isnt aggressively emotionally abusing you, making it impossible to speak freely hahaha. so you just use it to speak freely and honestly and say the things you really want to say, that you want them to know. that might be difficult to say when they are there Emotionally Abusing you hahaha or you are getting Emotional about that. i think email is great BECAUSE you can speak freely, and clearly, and completely.

so THATS why women naturally dislike email hhahahaha. because it minimizes their ability to MANIPULATE and control hahahaha.

i never wanted to manipulate, i just wanted to have an open and honest conversation between two people, a dialogue. well maybe i was trying to manipulate her into having that conversation.

was i wrong to want to have the converstaion? absolutely NOT, if anything SHE was wrong for NOT wanting to have it.

was i wrong for PUSHING her to have the conversation? maybe a teensy bit. but i didnt hurt her even 10% as much as she hurt me!!!!!!!!

noting that she did not hurt me intentionally. that is, if she knew it would hurt me THIS much, she probably would have acted a little better.

who knows. god damn i cant WAIT unti my fookin brain stops thinking about her.

well its PROOF that my luv is real. that i can think about literally nothing else for 2 months hahahaha. this is the type of luv that keeps people togehter for Long Term Rels, Marriages, having Churren, all that bullshit.

anyway to answer my titular question, i didnt do ANYTHING that was this bad, i didnt DESERVE this, i was done wrong, she was the bad guy, not me, the blame is split 60 40 at LEAST with her having the Majority of the Fault hahahahaha.

BECAUSE THATS WHATS IMPORTANT, making sure that THEY are MORE TO BLAME than YOU are hahahaha.

well yes kind of.

i never DENIED my role in things going wrong. i just want to point out that Justice Was Never Served, because I was always treated Unfairly.

never given a FAIR SHAKE essentially.

boo hoo poor baby was never given a FAIR SHAKE!!!!

yes i realize this is a part of life, but i am sick and tired of ALWAYS not getting a fair shake. JUST ONCE I would like things to work out! Other People Make Longterm Rels work in their early and mid twenties!

oh but now youre COMPARING yourself to others! and you cant do that!

its really really hard not to though. i think its kind of NORMAL to do this, to an extent, so you can see if you are On Track or not. or how weird vs how normal you are. then you can either Catch Up…..or fall way way waaaaaaaaaayyyyyy behind like we have hahahahaha.

but yeah i cant BELIEVE how much you have to walkjog just to lose damn weight. like 2 hours a day, EVERY day, 7 days a week, just so you are not a huge fatass and might be able to pull a woman attractive enough to give you an Erection.

so where do all these sexhaving normalfag nonvirgin fatties find the time to walkjog 2 hours a day every day when they are working 50 hours a week?

answer, they dont, cuz they are fat, and they fook other ugly fatties.

RESPECT THE POWER OF PREGGERZ / ALL WOMEN ARE SOCIOPATHZ

96 sunday

poker start and maths phd chris ferguson was able to start a bankroll of tens of thousands of dollars off freerolls, ie, free tournaments, tournaments that you can enter for free. these of course are the only kind of tournaments i play, and very begrdugingly at that cuz i prefer cash/ring games.

so the aim is play more aggressively than usual, go all in early and regularly so you build up a huge stack.

and of course going all in you risk losing it all.

i still refuse to go all in unless my hole cards are OK at least!

went for 2.8 mile walk. no jogging. cuz its sunday and i want to let muh legz rest.

funny i completed the walk only 4 minutes slower than i do when i am jogging. and certainly during muh jogs i jog more than 4 minutes. therefore at those times i must be WALKING slower than i do when i am JUST walking.

and it also burns about the same about of calories, 280, as does walking and jogging.

basically it looks like jogging give no health benefit whatsoever.

shit so disappointing that the woman acted so immature to me, because i try to SCREEN FOR such immaturity. i thought she was Strong and Moral and Mature and Decent. and she generally IS, which is why she passed my screen! but in THIS particular situation, boy she really screwed it up hahahaha.

well she would say I screwed it up because i got feels, im the one who changed.

well that doesnt mean you cant talk about it like an adult!!!!!!

un fooking beleiveable. if this ever happens again, i will be writing tell all blurt it out emails within 3 months of getting feels hahahaha.

and not be afraid to ask about boifrans, and how do you feel about me, do you like me, and i dont have feels for you now, but i MIGHT in a few months, lets keep a dialogue going about this ok. it helps if you are young, not ugly, not fat, have no kids, and are not a slut, ie have a number below 4 hahahaha.

or 3 hahahahaha.

i like women that have not taken a lot of cox. that respect the power of preggers.

well i would totes have casual sex with a fook buddie right now if they were attractive. and i wouldnt judge them too harshly for abusing their uterus like that.

i guess what really matters is that BOTH PEOPLE AGREE WITH EACH OTHER.

BOTH PEOPLE ON THE SAME PAGE.

do both people agree this is casual sexs?

do both people agree it is serious monogamous longterm rel sex?

or is one person wanting one thing, and the other person wanting another thing?

is it ONE SIDED or TWO SIDED hahaha

note: there are situations where people are Fook Buddies for a while, then the man gets feels, and then it turns into something similar to what i had. though probably worse, because you actually fooked them, and they feel nothing, and you are in deep luv.

well i would GUESS that because you are FOOKING, you have a better chance of getting the B to respond to you and talk to you! even if they are like yeah sry even tho ive known you for years and weve fooked 10000 times i still have deeper feelings for guys i have only JUST MET.

unbelievable.  they have deeper feels for some random scumbag they JUST MET, than someone they have known for YEARS, and have at least some sort of friendship with. those people they dont care about at all. how can such backwards, inhuman, evil people EXIST?

how can they live with themselves? they have no conscience, they are sociopaths, thats how, they dont care about right or wrong, thats why they can murder their own children and break so many hearts so callously. these are not humans with human souls! they are EVIL MONSTERS! nightmarish, grotesque demons! sadistic torturers, SOCIOPATHS!

even the ones that seem NICE! that dont seem like Sociopaths, and will not be sociopaths to anyone else ever, will be sociopaths to YOU hahahaha.

Women, on average, are way more EVIL than men are! you just get some male outliers, like the psychopaths who kill 50 people. you dont get as much of that with women, the bell curve is flattened, and women dont serial-kill so much, but they do break a lot of hearts mercilessly, ruin a lot of lives mercilessly, and murder a lot of unborn babies mercilessly. and these Everyday Evils, which Women perpetrate so casually, so callously, are what makes the Average Woman WAY more Evil than the Average Man!!!!!!!!!!

this is why i constantly go walking or jogging hahahaha.

and yet i am still fat, not morbidly obese, but still A Bit Overweight and could not pull an attractive woman.

is it harder to pull a woman for Casual Secs or for a Long Term Rel?

I DUNNO. I have pulled women for Short Term Fun and it wasnt particularly HARD when i did it. it was more an issue of SUPPLY. At College it was like a Pleasure PLayland of 18-21 year old gurls, where 60% of people were a Cute Young Gurl. the Real World isnt like that. Get a room of 100 people and only 3 or 4 of them TOPS will be a cute young gurl!

so all i needed to do was go to parties or hang out with friends and go to places with Alcohol And Women. Period. That’s All. It Took Embarrassingly little charm or confidence or Alphaness or charisma.

after i got out of college, the supply of women dropped DRAMATICALLY, AND the ones who were Available For Action were much harder to Pull, even if they were high-number sluts. i used alcohol to give me more confidence but by that time i was drinking TOO MUCH and the alcohol didnt give me ANY confidence, but made me look like a Weird Alcoholic with a Drinking problem, so it HURT my game in other words.

i was thinking that back in summer 2014, female friend seemed like she liked me becuase she was just being friendly, because she was Vulnerable after her Relationship Ending and some people, when that happens, they become Warmer to Everyone? or more friendly? in an attempt to use Other Friendships to Fill the Void of their Recently Dead RElationship. i dunno. just trying to think of Alternate Explanations other than “She liked me THEN, even when she was starting dating some other guy, and i should have struck when the iron was hot, because 3 months later, that door would be closed” because of course that is my biggest regret!!!!

so should you TREAT women like the Immature Infants they are? I dont think you should! Hold them ACCOUNTABLE! Say NO you are an ADULT and you should ACT like one and you have DISAPPOINTED me greatly. i dont care if its not a FUN conversation, lets have it! treat me like a human being! if u liked me 3 months ago, turn that shit back on! shit!

(i dont think she really did like me at that time anyway, she was just Seeking Sympathy and Warmth after her Rel Ended. And i mean “seeking sympathy” in a good way, as in, any person would be Vulnerable and Seeking Sympathy then. Comfort and Warmth would be better terms than sympathy.)

damn. she was reflective and sensible and mature on some things, but NOT on the issue of me and hers rel. and i thought she would be. so disappoint.

and of course all i can do now is think of her sucking and fooking all these other guys. not kewl man.

i thought she would come to her senses in time and realize she was being ridiculous. and contact me and say “yeah your right our friendship meant something to me too, but sorry i dont return your feelings, but lets not have any hard feelings.”

but NOooOoOoOoOoOoOoO.

anyway you cant MAKE people DO ANYTHING. i was trying to FORCE her to TALK. if she didnt want to talk, she wasnt gonna talk. and boy did she not wanna talk at all!

its the same thing with cheating. if a btch wants to cheat on you, she’ll do it. if she doesn’t, she won’t. she can go out dressed like a whore and not cheat on you, if she really doesnt want to. she can go out dressed like a Oldskool Traditional Housewife June Cleaver and cheat on you if she really wants to.

so when your B leaves you at home on saturday night dressed like a total cvmguzzling whore, out to the club with her gurlfrans who are also dressed like whores and who are known sluts, just smile and say welp if youre gonna cheat on me aint nothing i can do gonna stop you baby, so just cheat if you wanna cheat.

and shell stamp her feet and say ITS NOT CHEATING WERE NOT EVEN REALLY DATING! and then go and suck 90000000 dicks that very night and it will be SO MUCH FUNNNNNN to get Tipsy and get Covered in Cvm and have 9000000 sweaty dicks rammed down her throat.

this is how i express my pain and anger about being rejected in a very painful way. this has been a VERY painful experience for le me.  hahahaha. no but it really has. it will take a long time to get over this. I WILL SURVIVE but my god i will be angry and sad and hurt and hateful. I already am. This was/is just ridiculous. this is the worst thing in many years. i still cant believe it even happened. but it did.

this is arguably even worse than someone DYING. because if a Luved One DIES, you know they luved you, they know that you luved them, there wasnt any hard feelings, well sometimes there is, but also they dont CHOOSE to die (unless they K themselves!). they either die suddenly on accident, or they are old and you can sort of see it coming. and you Share Some Luv before they die.

but with somebody dumping you in this way, they are saying, i dont want to be part of your life at all because you suck that bad. i dont care if there’s hard feelings, i am DELETING you from my life. just cutting you out entirely, suddenly, no communication needed. you are deleted and i am deleting myself from your life as well.

but you KNOW they still exist and they are out there sucking cok and enjoying life and totally remorseless and have totally forgotten about the pain they have caused you by being such a huge evil bitch.

and you would never think of treating your WORST ENEMY this shittily! and thats how they treated you! like a total piece of shit! it hurts real bad! and takes a longass time (a year) for the pain to go away!!!!!!!! foook!!!!!!

SENSE OF PROPORTION / BETTER 2 LUV THAN 2 B LUVED / WAAAY LESS THAN A 180

95

oh yeah happy new year. well hopefully by this time i have a new shitty job hahahaha. maybe a young qt fok buddie gurl i can have no strings attached secs with and tell her baby i have no respect for you and how you have no respect for your uterus like dat. ackshully i dont care because i aint in luv with you, you do whatever u want lol. bang bang bagn bnag hahaha lol

but its stupid that SHE has much moar success with Relationships because she is a WOMAN. and that she can be so awful to me, yet work out so well with other guys that they can be in a Closed Rel for 4+ years.  bbbbbbut shes too immature to make a relationship work!

yeah with ME. but not with other guys. because she LUVS them, she doesnt LUV me.

the trick is i thought she might eventually WANT to talk because of our long standing friendship. and that like me she would want to “pay her respects” to THAT.

nope i guess not hahahaha well kerflushhhhh goes those 3 years hahahaha. just flush people away like pieces of shit. shat out, flushed away, and forgotten forever!

did a second 2.8 miler, plannign on doing another after dinner.

yeah thats what i have the biggest problem with. you dont have to like me back but its mind boggling that you would do this when we had such a long friendship. isnt THAT worth TALKING about at least?

plus any normal person would agree that such an intense Silent Treatment is Not Healthy, EVEN IF we didnt have a Love Relationship and she didnt WANT to talk.

doesnt matter. communication is necessary for ALL types of relationships. when one person really wants to communicate, SUCK IT UP and communicate with them because its the RIGHT thing to do, not fooking ignore them forever. when you have been friends for 2+ years. i am not some guy you met and let invade your babbymaker once and then threw away off TINDER hahahahaha.

disgusting whores lol.

woman haters like me make the false assumption that secs is more important to women, just because women can get pregnant. so if you find a gurl that Gives It Up…… you can probably get her to give it up to you AGAIN.

NOPE. she gives it up to you ONCE because she was drunk and didnt realize what a creepy weird loser you were. but by the second or third date she can. mayeb you had secs 1 or 2 more times. and then she is done with you, and you are not entitled to any communication!

these hateful male woman haters think they are ENTITLED to everything: sex, womens BODIES, communication, talking, etc.

but yeah that was my beef. i thought our History was More Important than how she just dumped and forgot it. i knew her longer than Any Other Woman I had ever gotten feelings for.

if i had gotten feelings for her right away, well i would have pushed THEN and some sort of shitstorm would have happened THEN.

yeah gotta Jog 8.4 miles a day just to Get Thru This apparently.

well its sort of working. i can listen to music and podcasts and i am not begging for mercy as desperately.

jogging 8.4 miles a day is a GOOD thing for the health though! too bad i have to Jog 50 Miles A Week in order to lose Half A Pound Per Week!

super slow metabolism hahahaha.

ok did the third 2.8 miler. oh well. got angering jealous thoughts of the woman sucking and fooking a bunch of other guys. that got me pretty angry. then sad that everything failed. then angry that those guys dont have to know her for 3 years hahahaha but more like 3 days hahaha. fookin whores.

i thought well should i pretend to play it cool, try to get back in touch with her in a few months, pretend like i just want to be Chill Friends again, then play that angle for a while, then try to suck her in?

that that gambit would be worth it if it worked?

of course i wouldnt WANT to be ONLY Chill Friends cuz i would still WANT her, such that i dont even think i would be CAPABLE of FAKING it.

so my gut instinct is not to do it, of COURSE dont do it.

i cant do that. does that make me weird? there are a lot of things that make me weird, but i dont know if thats one of them!

i simply wouldnt be able to pull it off. and it would be even more living a lie than not telling her my feelings when i did!

wouldnt mind having a female fook buddie however. like maybe that one young cute gurl at the old workplace who my female former friend hated for being a bitch. well it turned out fff was an ever bigger bitch!

wouldnt mind having a FT job that didnt kill me.

ok had a good 8.4 miles today, not bad.

i wouldnt mind going to the strip club if the strip club didnt look or feel like a strip club. this was my great business idea, open a strip club where cute gurls give “the gurlfran experience” in 30 minute sessions to lonely virgins who dont like strip clubz.

each 2.8 miler burns about 280 calories according to one calculator.

so walkjogging 1 mile burns 100 calories.

1 pound is 3500 calories.

therefore you need to walkjog 35 miles a week to lose 1 pound a week hahahahaha.

so if you see anyone who isnt overweight, know that they walkjog 35 miles a week every week. how do they do it hahaha.

so yeah i DID change, so it WAS my fault, i AM the bad guy. she was so cold to me because she sensed i had changed. but i HAD changed, and i WAS sending those signals, because i WANTED her to know.

well obviously i dont feel REMORSEFUL for getting feelings because i am Emotionally Mature enough to UNDERSTAND that you cant choose when or for who you get feelings, you just DO, often for the WORST people at the WORST times.

96 sunday

went to church, begged for mercy, was not really moved or Touched although maybe I didnt have my Heart Open to GOD in the right way. I tried. Or DID it? was I REALLY trying? probably not. I was just focused on the 18 year old gurl in front of me. I reflected on my Desire to Cuddle with Cute Young Girls.

In this case, I simply wanted to Cuddle with the Girl much more than anything else.

and of course female former friend. i wanted to cuddle with her like crazy.

really it is more about Loving, than To Be Loved.

like that St Francis Prayer, Lord I pray that I may Love, rather than be loved, understand rather be understood, console rather than be consoled.

the woman had no SENSE OF PROPORTION!

Or did she? I felt I had a sense of proportion because i reacted kinda intensely, but that reflected the Intense Emotions Inside.

So she treated me super harsh and wrong in proportion to MY emotions? is that the way it works?

but her emotions were like whatever.

but she treated me like i Abused her or cheated on her! like i did something really, really bad and hurtful to her!

i dunno. once again we can just use occamz and say she just didnt know what to do, so she did nothing. maybe she even feels bad about it but still its easier just to not do or say anything.

anyway she acted out of proportion to how much she had been hurt, or was feeling Emotional Hurt. I was hurting 90000000000000000000000000000 times more than she was, thats why i freaked the fook out and rekt muh own life. yet i was still asking to talk to her. well, desperately begging on my knees to please respond.

have u ever been in that situation?

the normalfag would say, quite Rightly, once you’re BEGGING somebody to RESPOND to you, that means things are SO one sided, they are no longer worth your time and effort. its over, and you should be glad for it, since nothing good can come of it.

also i think well if she can do this, do a 180, then whos to say that one day i will be happily married with kidz and everything seems hunky dory then one day i wake up and she is gone and taken the kidz and i never heard from her again.

well, this wasnt really a 180. it was way less than a 180. maybe even less than a 90. this could have been a damn 45 or less!!!!!!!!!

meaning, she WAS giving signs, warning signs, red flags.

meaning, she was being generally cold to me for MONTHS. THAT was my warning sign. that was her ramping down from 180. that was her taking her investments out, moving out gradually.

i thought it could still be saved. i thought she might have had SOME INTEREST in saving it. at that point it was honestly hard to tell.

a person can be cold and distant, yet still have some interest in Saving The Rel, right?

yeah i guess….but PROBABLY NOT.

damn.

so when anyone gets distant, that means, they want out of the Rel? probably, assuming they are staying consistently distant for a long period of time, which she kind of was.

well, she was also sprinkling mixed signals in there, WHICH confused me and made me think she WAS interested in One Day Communicating About Our Relationship Issues.

So yeah i BLAME HER for THAT hahahaha.

but women send MIXED SIGNALS all the time because they are confused or scared or just dont know what else to do. but you can get legit confused by that. i did.

they never think long term hahaha. its just what can i do to get out of this conversation right now hahaha.

women dont NEED to be Emotionally Mature to have long term relationships, husbands, families, children, because………. yes you know it…………because they are the choosers. they can choose whatever secsy man they want. does not mean they will choose a man who is a Good For A Longterm Rel, or that the Women Themselves are or will EVER BE Emotionally Mature enough.

not that the women NEED to be emotionally mature at all to be in a rel, if the MAN is willing to do all the work. and certainly many men ARE, and DO.

fook women hahahaha. women suck dick. figurative AND literally hahahaha.

stop sucking dicks, ya dirty whores hahaha.