damn. not much sleep last night.
one interesting idea is that our Ideas and Thoughts and Feelings ABOUT sleep can affect our actual sleep. like laying in bed worrying about not getting enough sleep, and constantly looking at the clock.
yesterday i heard the suggestion about putting your clock in a drawer so you could hear the alarm but not actually see the clock. i though that was neat. you could also just block the clock with a card or something. i thought that was an interesting idea. like when i had to get up to go to work but couldnt sleep because i was constantly worried about everything that could go wrong the next day, and would i be able to handle it, and had i studied enough before going to bed, well i didnt do anything but come home from stupid work, study, then go to bed early! and now i am not sleeping at all!
also the idea that if you go to bed super early to try to get good/alot of sleep, you get very inefficient sleep and less restful sleep and or just laying there awake. so going to bed at like 7 pm doesnt really HELP you per se, unless you ar tired at 7 pm, well you veyr well might be, but you have to feel like you could actually SLEEP.
of course we all know that pain when you are tired, exhausted, because long days, tons of coffee, tons of stress, terrible sleep for days, you SHOULD be ableto go to sleep, but you lay down and cant sleep, and keep looking at the clock, you wanted to be asleep by 10 pm at the latest, now its 12, 1, 2, 3, etc. you went to bed planning to get 10 hours of sleep, now you will be lucky to get 4 and you are gonna have a ridiculous day of work tomorrow.
with someone who broke your heart, where you used to be close but now they dont WANT to be close to you anymore, and they aer cold to you, and warm to other people. hahahahaha.
i should have really tried a Sleep Aid, really just some nyquil or benedryl at least, during those times.
sometimes people say ITS DONE. IM DONE with this, and then they are simply done, they walk away.
they might end it in the worst possible way. they might even KNOW BETTER. but they do it anyway and they are DONE and they are NEVER coming back. they are not coming back and they are certainly not APOLOGIZING for handling shit shittily. nope. they are 100% done.
doesnt mean it is right. yes it can and prob does involve avoiding or ignoring or just running away or shutting down or freezing. yes it is usually is bad karma and a shitty thing to do.
she DOES know better but it doesnt matter, she did it ANYWAY.
cant go back and undo it.
she is obviously CAPABLE of Conversations and Communication….like when she tried to communicate with those other men. how did those conversations go? what did she say? how did she articulate things? was she like a brick wall like she was with me? obviously not, she made an effort with them. i am jealous of course.
make an effort with them, make absolutely no fooking effort with me. tells me that I am a worthless piece of shit, and my confidence is low enough as it is. i do not need that message.
i will never know WHY i was so shitty as to not even warrant an effort. i can only GUESS it was because she wasnt as invested in me, she didnt luv me, she was already preparing for this day, distancing herself. she wanted to distance herself from me rather than repair the relatiosnhip in ANY way.
there is also the thought that with these kind of things, Rels, that a woman will do EXACTLY WHAT SHE WANTS. IF SHE DOESNT WANT TO DO IT, SHE WONT DO IT. IF SHE DOES, SHE WILL. PERIOD.
if she WANTED to communicate and “End Things Better”, she would have. If she Liked me, she would have let me know. if she really WANTED to date me, she would have.
i think this is more relevant to the beginning of rels as opposed to women who are Scared To Leave Their Abusers. well, id also add that they dont really WANT to leave. they WANT to be with that guy, they love him, and they also WANT to fix him. they would rather Futilely try to fix him and continue getting beaten, than leave.
ALL my big Heartbreaks involved the woman dumping me, essentially losing interest in me, essential deciding they didnt really WANT to be with me, and the decision being made before any sort of serious dating started. they didnt WANT a serious rel with me. they never did. so therefore i never had any serious rel. which is my shorthand for “longterm monogamous exclusive committed dating love rel with a woman”
i say one year would be good but i wouldnt mind TWO years either!
i heard somewhere, probably from some ridiculous woman who was bored with her long term boifran and was falling out of luv with him and wanted to dump him ITS OVER, that The Lifetime Of Luv is FOUR YEARS. after youre with someone for four years, you know them completely, you cant go any further, and the Luv Dies, time to dump them.
she of course had been going out with the guy like 3 or 3 and half years hahahahaha.
shrink said look for some wayne dyer talks. i have seen a couple of his pbs specials, they are pretty good.
anyway the other point.
heartbreak like this is some of the worst pain imaginable, the pain and suffering cannot be overstated. my heart is completely broken, destroyed, decimated, devasted. ripped out, bleeding, like temple of doom.
it is the worst pain ever, worse than derpression and anxiety and ranks right up there with death and job loss hahahaha.
is really is a kind of death.
i was watching intervention again and thinking these pussies, just quit your heroin and oxycontin. you will be sick for a FEW DAYS, maybe one WEEK. then it will be done.
try getting over a BROKEN HEART. you will be sick and broken and dying for MONTHS AND MONTHS AND MONTHS AND MONTHS.
getting over A Truly Broken Heart is MANY, MANY, MANY times more difficult than getting off of Opiates, or other Addictive Drugs that are hard to quit, have withdrawals and cravings, like Alcohol or Cigarettes.
these people go to rehab and then 90 days later they are a changed person. 180. miraculous.
90 days later after a broken heart, your heart will STILL be broken. you will be angry and sad and unable to love anyone but that horrible person.
so yeah the excruciating, CONSTANT, NEVER ENDING PAIN should not be underestimated. it cant be overestimated! it is worse than being a drugs addict!!!!!!!
you can get over HARD DRUG ADDICTION MUCH FASTER than you can get over a BROKEN HEART!!!
shit i was thinking i should try some hard drugs just to get some more time and distance!
i mean with this amount of RIDICULOUS, BLINDING, INHUMAN PAIN, its AMAZING and MIRACULOUS that i DIDNT do anything stupid! I totally UNDERSTAND why people STALK!
but i didnt stalk. so that is awesome. maybe that is proof that i am really NOT an Evil Stalker Abuser.
Although just yesterday i almost stepped on a pile of dog shit on the sidewalk and thought, gee wouldnt it be neat to put like a HUGE PILE of dogshit right in front of her house.
then i remembered, yeah, that would involve going to her house, and that is stalking, and stalking is wrong.
but the PAIN and SUFFERING of heartbreak is also so very wrong, so its easy to justify.
i mean its AMAZING i didnt start DRINKING again. and do stupid shit. get raging drunk and stalk her, get raging drunk and write her even more emails, or do something mean and angry.
i deserve to CONGRATULATE myself for not Falling Off The Wagon! Seriously! For NOT stalking her!
i feel like i have made a bit of a breakthrough finally. if i was at 5% before, maybe im at 10% now. on par to be a little less than 20 months to get over the whole thing hahahaha.
it feels Vindicating just to Acknowledge How Much Pain the Broken Heart Is. it is so so so so bad. i totally understand why some people cant handle it and K themselves! and other people go CRAZY and stalk and violence the other person! I totally understand it! shit i had some Fleeting thoughts of K’ing myself and S’ing her!!!!!
and those thoughts are painful and very uncomfortable too! adds to the heartbreak!
heartbreak basically IS a Severe Derpression. if you have been through a Serious Heartbreak that took a long time to get over, not one of those stupid girly heartbreaks where they fook a guy, get preggers, get an abortion, they are back to their normal happy promiscuous degenerate pig self within a week, but a REAL heartbreak, where it takes months and months and it CHANGES you, shit, that is pretty much Severe Depression right there.
it is like being killed and hurt and abused and raeped every day! only the abuser is in your mind, your thoughts.
so you cant blame it on them the same way you could blame like if you had a family member that was molesting you every day. that is almost LESS COMPLICATED.
and i am angry because she TOTALLY COULD HAVE lessened this heartbreak. this heartbreak didnt HAVE to be so bad. it would never have been GOOD, but it could have TOTALLY been not THIS bad. she could have Mitigated a LOT of this HORRIBLE PAIN in the way she handled it. she could have handled it a lot better. I BEGGED HER TO HANDLE IT BETTER. I said quote please reconsider the way you are handling this, i am hurting a lot, this will take me a long time ot get over, please please treat me like a human being and not a piece of garbage, please at least just respond to me and try to let me down easier please.
i still struggle with i should contact her and let her know how much pain she caused, how she broke my heart and caused me more pain than anyone has in YEARS, shit, when someone causes you THIS MUCH PAIN, you want to hold them ACCOUNTABLE for it, and make sure they KNOW THEY DID SOMETHING WRONG, DAMN WRONG.
but that way i was begging for mercy pretty much says “you broke my heart”.
but she didnt read it.
well she probably wouldnt read some angry thing saying “YOU BROKE MY HEART AND I WANT YOU TO FEEL GUILTY FOR IT” either!
plus one thought is, you dont want them to know how much they hurt you, or something.
well i want them to know EXACTLY how much they hurt me!!!!!!! you cant go around causing this kind of pain and be totally ignorant of it!
IT SERVES YOU RIGHT TO SUFFER!
that is another question you should ask: what is the balance of power in this relationship?
as things got worse and worse, it became less a relationship of equals, and more and more clear that she had all the POWER, power over my feelings and emotions, power to shut down commuincation entirely. she had all the power and i had no power. thats what it felt like to me.
i hadnt just gone halfway. i went right to her proverbial doorstep and BEGGED, please share something with me. and she entirely refused. theres nothing i can do to change that. i cant fix that. she has to want it. if she WANTED it, she’d DO it. she did not want it or do it.
yeah having a straight conversation would have made the heartbreak less painful. less CRAZY. i mean it is so intense it is driving me CRAZY. makes you think crazy violent or revenge thoughts. its her fault because she ended it poorly hahahaha. no i dont mean that, its not her fault, she didnt INTEND to cause this much pain, i grant that. but she is no fooking innocent in the matter. 66 33. what she did to me was at LEAST TWICE as bad as what i did to her.
with woman2012, she was NICE, she was a mature adult, she wrote me a 1 paragraph email, and that heartbreak was nowhere near as bad, nowhere near as crazy, i never wanted to do anything stupid crazy. i was angry and disappointed and hateful sure. but nowhere near as much pain.
heartbreak is like having your heart ripped out every day, all day, constantly. worst pain you can ever imagine. worse than death. it is like being in prison and being raped in the ass every day. how can that not destroy and ruin you.
this is true heartbreak.
i guess that is proof that is was true love.
that is the reason it hurts so bad, for so long. because this was a serious person in your life and you wanted to have a serious rel with that. they were and i did. most assuredly.
it is a BIG deal not a small deal. it changes you profoundly. well i needed a profound personal change hahahahaha.
so this is muh breakthru thank god. i was thinking and talking abotu this yesterday to muh recorder.
- to realize HOW painful heartbreak is and just accept that damn OCEAN OF PAIN;
- that if she really WANTED it to work, she WOULD DO SOMETHING
- theres literally nothing i can do. my work here is done. i begged for mercy at her door and she slammed it and locked it forever.
its amazing people can SURVIVE this pain. it is NO SURPRISE people K themselves and K others! the pain is BLINDING and MADDENING and PSYCHOTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you literally feel like you are GOING INSANE! take the worst pain you felt before and multiply it BY INFINITY!!!!!!!!!!
yet i know i will survive, the pain will go away in like TWO YEARS, i will survive as a BROKEN HUSK, half the man i used to be, half of half of half the man i used to be!!!!!! and live the rest of my life as a ruined, broken man, a Horrible Husk.
it is NO SURPRISE that WOMEN who undergo this pain TOTALLY RUIN and DEFILE themselves with SlutSex, go through a series of cox just to distract you from the pain.
IMHO Drugs would be the better choice, less defiling.
Drugs are less dangerous to womens dignity than a series of cox.
you cant get pregnant from drugs. you cant create an innocent, miserable, horrible, wretched life with drugs. that poor bastard child who is either aborted or lives a horrible life with a whore mother and a Ghost Father.
the abortion is probably better for the child! mercy killing! to avoid a horrible, godforsaken existence!
maybe thats gonna be my moral slippery slope to justify abortion, similar to my moral excuses for euthanasia.
“better for this poor child to never be born because their life would be guaranteed miserable and shitty.”
anyway muh breakthrough.
that was about it. thats abotu the strength of it above. hope this helps hahahaha how about u
i also thought, she could apologize WITHOUT getting my hopes up or leading me on.
HOW FOOKING ARTICULATE DO YOU HAVE TO BE?
she had conversations with the other guys!
you just need ONE PARAGRAPH.
say, “I dont want to get your hopes up or lead you on. i am sorry to say but we are never going to get together. its me not you. it just will never happen and i am sorry to break your heart. but i wanted to apologize for giving you the silent treatment, i understand that probably added to your pain. i want to let you down easy and reduce as much pain as possible because you are a good person. i think you are a good person and i dont hate you. but i could never like you the way we want, and we should go our separate ways. i didnt mean to cause you pain, but in these situations, pain is inevitable, and i am sorry for your pain. i hope you can get over it quickly. you will find someone great some day. it just cannot be me. i am sorry to break your heart. i wish the best for you but this has to end. im sorry.”
thats IT. one paragraph that i wrote in TWO MINUTES. THATS IT. THATS ALL SHE HAD TO DO. just like woman2012 did.
you can apologize for your immature hurtful behavior and still clearly say its over.
come on. you had difficult conversations with other guys. WHAT DID YOU SAY TO THEM?
why couldnt you extend me that same courtesy??!?!?! just because you were De-invested in me and wanted to wash your hands of me? because you didnt luv me? god damn. you didnt HAVE to luv me, i just wanted to be treated with the RESPECT and COURTESY you did when we were friends. that is half of the heartbreak right there. i deserved better. i didnt necessarily DESERVE to have her luv me because that just happens or it doesnt, deserved or not, but i DID deserve to be treated like a human being, treated with respect, dignity, courtesy, not be fooking shunned like a god damn pariah.
you dont intend to break someones heart. there is absolutely nothing anybody can do about that. but you DO intend to talk to them or not talk to them about it. you absolutely CAN do something about that, and make a REAL difference. that is the part that gets me so damn angry, and makes the heartbreak twice as fooking painful.