saturday, can barely move, not great. just utterly dead. benadryl last night, hopefully can sleep tonight, no weird shit. just feel like the life is over. i did great in high skool, i did ok in college but not good enough to start a career, not good enough to hold down a 15DAHJ. never did well enough to hold a Wimmin’s Interest.

in a transition phase now, which i guess is good. now it sorta feels like i never knew her, that she was almost just a dream or a memory who NEVER REALLY EXISTED. it is weird. especially cause i know she existed in my life for almost 3 damn years.

so she wants to treat me like i never existed. that kinda hurts. i am starting to get that feeling that she never existed to me. but she DID exist. and I DID exist for her! god damn i never had anything end this bad before. at least when bitches dumped me, i could hate them and be mad at them.

well i guess i can still do that here hahaha. your luv turns to hate.

but that process is painful too, and its not really so fun to hate either. i would rather that things were ended in a way without hate.

IMHO it should involve a penalty fee from the dumper to the dumped, minimum $1000. just so the dumper can put some skin in the game and feel a fraction of the pain the dumpee is feeling.

also it should involve at least 20 secs sessions, like when you know you have a prescription ending, and you cant get it refilled, and thus you make the last 30 pills last as long as possible.

and just as much, it should involve a series of long conversations. hours of conversations, in which each person can say everything they want to each other. you dont really need to hear the exact reasons you were dumped, like youre a loser, or youre not masculine enough, or youre not secsy enough, or she wants a real man, or youre not successful enough, and you smell bad, and you’re annoying, and unlovable, and the worst person ever, and she hates you, etc. you are a horrible undateable person who is a sociopath and horrible at relationships, you dont know how to commuincate, you are pushy, you are weird, you are a narcissist, you are the bad guy, its 100% your fault, etc.

that conversation might not be so productive.

thats why the Best Break Up says

  1. its not your fault, its mine; its not YOU, its ME; people have been saying this for thousands of years because its the best, most polite thing to say
  2. and emphasize that its OVER. it cant go on. we are never ever ever getting back together. im sorry but thats the truth. lets both move on. this is the definite, unambiguous end. im sorry, its not you its me, and it is 100% OVER forever. dont get any fantasies of false hope that i will change my mind and we will get back together someday.
  3. you are a good person and i respect you as a human being, but we cant go out. and thats on me not you.  this affirms their humanity. i am not rejecting you as a human being. you are a decent human being. but we just cannot date because its my fault. because i dont feel the way you do.

those are the main points. thats not a lot. it all fits on one screen. it wont take 8 hours of conversation. shit you can do that in 1 hour. 1 hour of conversation can prevent a lot of pain that would happen where there is NO communication. Ghosting, Ignoring, Avoiding.

oh sure it will still be painful but a Totes Ghosting is even MORE painful. just excruciating pain.

I watched this ridiculous movie “unbroken” about an american who got bretty unlucky in ww2. it was like Job with his ridiculous trials and trbiulations. went to the olympics and then he went to war. got plane shot, crash landed on island. they gave him new plane. that plane was shitty and crashed in the middle of the ocean. him and 2 other guys sat out there on a raft for at least 46 days or so. sharks swimming around, eating raw fish and sharks and drinking god knows what. rainwater. one guy just died. at least one plane flew by and did not see their flares. a second plane did, but it shot at them, shooting holes in their rubber rafts. they managed to patch up and reinflate the raft, prob saved their lives of the 2 remaining guys. then after like 50 days on the raft they get picked up by motherfookin tojos. japs hahahaha. they go to one pow camp for a while. then they go to another and are separated. he is chosen to be a model prisoner and live poshly in tokyo, in exchange for reading anti american things on the radio. he refuses because he likes fighting wars for zionists hahahahahaha. he returns to the camp, gets beaten regularly. but its prob better than being at sea. near the end of the war they go to a worse camp, more of a labor camp where they do shit with coal but did not go into any mines. but it still looked sucky. finally the war ended and he went home and eventually forgave his japanese captors.

anyway point is, he was facing some real hard times and his will could not be broken. this guy had way tuffer times than me! and he persisted.

anyway it was a cheesy movie and directed by that pig whore angelina jolie but it was moderately entertaining and sentimental in a good way, had a good message, never give up when the going gets tough. i like something like that right now.

i spent the day sitting around doing nothing, reading about the black metal groups xasthur, leviathan, nachtmystium, judas iscariot, striborg, krieg. it is kewl to hate nachtmystium because blake judd is a scumbag degenerate normalfag nonvirgin heroin addict.  i like xasthur because he seems like a REAL outsider, someone who has REALLY been to the abyss, and might be a virgin. i dont like musicians because women like them and they have degenerate secs and are nonvirgins and just big babies. also i am jealous of their ability to Channel Their Pain into Creative Art. what pain, they are banging young gurls and doing heron hahahaha.

so i like xasthur because he is always crabby and grumpy and unhappy and hateful and has a nice virgin vibe. now he does dark folk or some shit, but he has reclaimed the name xasthur and played his first show in his 15 year existence at a hippy pagan forest gathering. i thought that was pretty cool. i hope he had a good time and got laid. not a good place to find a wife though.

leviathan. i do like him, he is quite talented. but he seems kinda degenerate and i dont like tattoos. but he is a good musician, artist. and a few years ago i was very interested in his False Rape Accusation, where he was falsely accused of rape and abuse and beating by some bitch and then made an album about it, which i should listen to hahahaha. and then the PC police called him a misogynist because he was obsessed about a woman and wrote an album about her being a “whore”, and made references to the female genitalia being symbolic of a deadly trap.

i echoed a more reasonable commenter, who said that if some woman did what she did to him, calling her a traitor and a whore is pretty light. and hes not a woman hater because he’s not talking about ALL vaginas, just this one individual traitor whore.

however he comes across as a hateful brute who might do something like that to a woman. i mean he looks really scary and creepy, he looks like a woman beater hahahaha.

then he rebuilt his life and moved on and started a more healthy relationship and recently had a Baby and now him and his gurlfran and his his Babby are posting on INSTAGRAM all the time and everybody saying o how cute, the cute little baby with tattooed freaks for parents.

basically the type of people whose entire bodies are covered with weird tattoos, including “extreme” places like the face, the palm of the hand, the front of the neck.

and the PC police came back out because he appeared on a magazine cover holding his baby. and people called him a sell out. while othres say oh thats right just forget that he raped a woman. even though all the charges were dropped, well the heaviest rape charges, and he was found not guilty of the other ones. well he did get 2 years of probation for 1 charge. anyway point is, he didnt really rape the woman, and she was probably a crazy drug addict tattoo freak who had been in pornos and abandoned by her father and borderline psycho etc.

i dont like the whole “tattoo lifestyle” but i do appreciate his music, and i dont think he should be hated on for being a Proud Papa. and i hope he lives a healthy life and takes care of his Babby and that his Babbymama doesnt go cray on him like that other woman. just because they have a babby with you doesnt mean they wont! plus i dont trust these tattoo gurls. also i dont think tattoos are secsy at all. leviathan OBVIOUSLY disagrees! and that is his first amendment right, whcih i fulyl support.

But I would like to see xasthur meet a decent not cray woman and have a babby too hahahaha. he is more my style because he seems more anxious and socially awkward and could not get a woman and does not have tattoos. but this could all be fantasy on my part. i mean i am sure he has had secs with more gurls than me. but who knows about his relationship record. he might be like me and still trying to break the 3 month mark hahahahaha. i know that feel bro.

also i wonder how he makes money. whats his job. i know he is always selling and distributing t shirts and cds and records and tapes and shit but how can you make money on that.

on the other hand, i cant see him as a waiter or a Call Agent hahahahahaha.

maybe he’s one of those musicians who has a Successful STEM career like that one guy from converge who made a shitload of money in his biotech job. or the norwegian girl in that doom band at age 18,  is now a biotech PhD. all these musicians have PhDs and actually make money with them. way to be SUCCESSFUL FAG. today i learned that attila from mayhem etc has a degree in electrical engineering and i was a little disappointed because THAT is a smart successfag degree to get which will guarantee you a good job. well does he actually work in the field or is he just in 100000 bands. he also has 2 kids.

i dont care about the music anymore, just the musicians personal lives. and if i approve of their personal lives, then i might give their music a chance.

i also have no desire to listen to their music, just like music made by degenerate hedonists.

well i do like jazz and they are degenerates.

basically the main music i want to explore is classical, jazz, and super depressive black metal, and stuff from my past, and stuff related to my past that i didnt listen to then. or stuff where i have a sense of the person creating the music. which is why i prefer smaller bands or one person projects or where its obviously the vision of one person and they have Session Musicians.

or if they just had shitloads of integrity, or never do interviews or pictures or shows, or have right wing ideologies.

of COURSE i am a big fan of varg vikernes, his young wife, and his five children! although i dont really listen to his new music. and would at least prefer if he used Real INstruments rather than his keyboard, even though it still sounds pretty good. i want him to put his family first though. actually i would like to see him become a Public Politician too. HE has Good Traditional Family Values and is far from a degenerate!