today i expected to be a horrible day cuz its womans birthday and i was looking forward to it being a special day, i would take her to a nice dinner and get her a nice gift and write her a nice message, didn’t have to be on her birthday of course, she could use that day to go out to the bar and fook more exciting fun guys, but near the birthday hahahaha. i mean you dont own the person, they dont have to hang out with YOU on your birthday because maybe youre boring.

I was watching this ridiculous british show called “doc martin” and it was kind of a sign from GOD. I had heard of the show but never watched it till now, when i turned on PBS in the middle of an episode.


he is a doctor who was called up to a farm to examine a pig i guess, despite him not being a veterinarian, he was the best they could get on short notice or something. he was clearly not a fan of examining the pig, who had problems with its bowels/rectum. he cringingly lifted the pigs tail to examine its rear end and said “this pig appears to have a prolapsed rectum”.

farmer: can you pop it back in?

doc martin sighed distastefully and said “i’ll need some vaseline or ky jelly.”

quick cut to another scene. i said this is my kind of british humour!

they come back a few minutes later. the farmer asks “what is the most important question a man can ask about his wife to be before he gets married?”

doc martin is exasperated and responds “sir, i have my finger in your pig’s anus.”

eventually doc, who is himself getting married soon, says a big question you need to ask is “does she make me happy”?

the farmer says, very very close, but an even better question is to ask “do I make HER happy?”

and then doc gets cold feet and doesnt marry the woman and she walks away because they dont really make each other happy or something.

i thought this was a very interesting way of phrasing the question “do i really luv her?” and phrasing it as a more selfish thing. which it IS kinda selfish, and that’s not BAD. but if you really luv her, then she damn well makes you very happy. and for me that was the number one criterion. why marry someone who doesnt make you happy.

but maybe its good enough to just make someone else happy. and maybe doing that will make you happy in a few years hahahaha.

anyway i could not help but apply that to my own situation: she made me very very very happy, that no one else would make me happier.

but it didnt work out because i didnt make her happy. far from it! during the end i made her very very unhappy because she didnt WANT me to have feelings for her!

but yeah my initial reaction to Most Women is, nope she could never make me happy.

but it probably does take TIME to BUILD up that sense. it took me two years to fully understand that my female former friend would make me happy. before that, i thought, i dunno, maybe, not really, it would be weird and i would def want to date other gurls too.

of course that changed! then one day boom i discovered she would make me very happy, and i would not need to date other gurls. just her.

heh i blame her scumbag short term boifran. him swooping in and out made me think of her in a totally new light. if he can, WHY NOT ME? i am way cooler than him, and i would not cheat on her!

but he made her a lot happier than i did, because she had Feelings for him.

so really your feelings/luv determines how happy “they make you.”

they dont even really need to DO anything. they can be acting like a huge cold bitch and still just being with them would make you happy.

when you listen to retarded love songs and van morrison songs like “into the mystic” and “tupelo honey”, who do you think of. is it the gurl you’re with, or someone else? this i think is another good test.

always pick the gurl than van morrison makes you think of.

if you are with the wrong girl, and think of van morrison, and then think NO this is totally WRONG, this is not the van morrison gurl, then GTFO.

a lot of people appreciate van morrisons obvious talent in speaking the Universal Language Of Luv. he is very good at it.

Van Morrison Feelings.

Now two people can both understand Van Morrison, and one person has Van Morrison Feelings for the other, but THAT person has Van Morrison Feelings for someone else altogether!!!!!!!!

that is kinda what i ran into here. well i am not sure she has Van Morrison Feelings for anyone, perhaps the short term boifran who broke her heart, think she is having trouble getting over him.

just like i am having trouble getting over her!

shit i bet if she worked with HIM she would quit her job too!

i am writing my “interview story” of everything i can say abotu my former job, in an interview, to prove that i am smart and skillful. it is turning into a goddam book already. how can i remember all this.

**********so yeah anyway the definition of true love is, do THEY make ME happy. who cares if you make THEM happy! if you dont make THEM happy, they’ll just dump you, you’ll be heartbroken, and maybe you’ll fall in luv again in a few years, maybe not, maybe you’ll never get over it.

I HAVE MY FINGER IN YOUR PIG’S ANUS.  SIR, MY FINGER IS IN YOUR PIGS ANUS. i had not laughed that hard in a long time, and it was a sign from GOD that i should watch more of this “doc martin” show.  i usually prefer police /murder / mystery shows to doctor shows, but i liked the actor and the character here, and it took place in the English Countryside, which is always a HUGE plus. i’m not sure how many mysteries or murders there are. also the show seems Funnier than what i am used to. but i appreciated that very much.

my two big shows right now are “foyles war” and “midsomer murders”. FW is not really funny at all, a couple of dry jokes sprinkled in, very light comic relief. MM has much more comic relief.

as i write my Goddam Book about my Job Experience, i TRY to spin it positively of course. of COURSE i could write a book on the negative aspects, but you HAVE to spin it ALL positive in order to get another job ever.

but the main theme is, CONFUSION. We dealt in confusion all day erryday at my job. that WAS our job: to make sense out of confusion. to help confused people. and often become confused ourselves. so how do you help a confused person when they are confusing you yourself? you bullshit them with a confident tone. but i cant say THAT in an interview. I can talk about the importance of remaining calm and confident sure. i can even say we got confused sometimes. i describe a “CUBE OF CONFUSION” that results from our Purview being both very BROAD, and then very DEEP. it was a Big Cube. or as wide and deep as the ocean.

CONFUSION is inherently stressful. and to deal with confusion ALL DAY for your JOB is the worst. always ask at interviews, how much CONFUSION is present in this job.

In my previous job, there was very little confusion. in this job, there was CONSTANT, INTENSE confusion on huge, intimidating, confusing issues. experienced people got confused. because there was JUST SO MUCH. an OCEAN. a GALAXY. a UNIVERSE of CONFUSION.

tempted to play “land of confusion” song but this was MUCHHHHHH bigger than a mere land son.

the confusion will never go away. its how you DEAL with it.

i really did come a long way and do some amazing things at my horrible job, as i write about it in my Interview File. just got a phd of knowledge in just 1 year. it builds confidence knowing i could achieve and learn all that. i came a real long way. it is amazing that i was capable of that. it was the biggest achievement in my life, much more than going to college for a dumb degree, or banging some dumb sluts. but learning all these 100000000000000000000000000000000000000000 confusing things. it was a like a STEM phd worth of complicated, confusing information.

and i did it. and now i have to LEAVE because of a WOMAN. so disappointing. i wish SHE had left! althoguh she needs the job more than me, her safety net is way worse.

but i almost want to go back out of spite, like I WONT LET HER RUIN THIS FOR ME!!!!!!

but i know i would be angry to see her, and for us not to get along, and to watch her get along famously and make new friends and be happier with other people than she ever was with me. that would eat me alive.

also she was a lot dumber than me and she did the job well. you didnt need to be smart to do the job. you just needed to be CALM and not get FLUSTERED and just do stuff QUICKLY, even if it didnt work. and she was a LOT better at those things than i was.

i want her to come to her senses and damn contact me already, but she wont.

she could think, he is giving up a LOT here, i dont want him to do that, maybe we can have a talk so we can get along on the job at least.

NOPE. she showed no interest in that.

the “good” news is that i am getting beyond the point where i want to contact her over and over and over and over again, begging and pleading and please respond. it is BEYOND OBVIOUS that the ball is in her court and that its her turn to respond.

what is the most important thing you shoudl ask yourself about the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with?


went to a restaurant and thought damn this shit is complicated too. if i were a cook i would be a horrible cook. if i were a server i would be a horrible server. look at this menu. how do they remember all this. how do they remember the prices. if i add this to that dish it costs 1.49 extra. how do i remember what goes into this dish. the customers are going to ask stupid questions about the dishes and then the server has to ask the cook. then it got busy and there was line of customers waiting for tables to open up.

i would not want to work in a restaurant any sooner than a damn tech support call center where Chaos Reigns.

well then i could Creep On the Beautiful 17 year old Hostess Gurl hahahahaha and make minimum wage.

its HARD to do unskilled labor!

its HARD to do jobs where you are faced with CONFUSION all day!

when you survive to the end of another day, you are exhausted as well as worried if you are going to be able to last another day.

it is amazing i lasted as long as i did in that job. god damn it is so weird to be done with everything.

is this really “unfinished business”? well to me it kinda feels like it, to her it is finished as fook. i still cant believe it happened. i will probably never believe it happened.

its unfinished but i dont really feel like contacting her again. i mean who knows. i mean i will still want her back for like a year. and until i stop wanting her back, i wont be fully over it. it takes a long, horrible time.

took a benedryl and will prob lay down soon.

hope that does not cause me to sleep shitty tomorrow night.

just trying to get thru her damn birthday where she is out getting fooked and happy as hell that she is rid of me.

bbbbbut I thought we had something!

i thought I KNEW you!

nope and nope.

but i really did think we had something, and i really did think i knew her!

well we DID have something, we dont anymore.

i DID know her, but she did something i didnt expect, and now i dont know her anymore.

yeah its the TRANSITION that hurts. its not like the WHOLE THING was a fantasy. there actually WAS something good. and then it ended. so the Romance was all in my head, but the Good Times of Friendship were not.

but yeah we went thru a lot, she was a big part of my life, she was the whole reason i was working that job, so yeah its not a stretch to say she CHANGED MY LIFE in a big way. and it just makes no sense that she would have NOTHING to say to me. i guess i am not so surprised that it would someday end, but i really did not think it would end THIS WAY.

i figured it could possibly end by of us getting feelings. and its sure not surprising that i was that person! but i am surprised there was no discussion, no conversation, no talk, no communication. even those shitty women who i Never Really Knew were decent enough to communicate The Official End to me.

its not even really a matter of decency. technically she is a decent person (DONT DEFEND HER!!!!) she just did a horrible thing to me, but out of cowardice and fear, not out of hate or disrespect.  but does her intent really make a difference at this point?

well kind of since i would prefer that she Not Hate me. it is not a HUGE comfort though. the end result is still basically the same: me horribly heartbroken for a long time, and trying to rebuild my damn life.

but yeah i thought she might contact me to try to convince me to come back to our job, since i am throwing away a lot of money. (when she should be paying me $1000 for a Dumping/Heartbreak/Rejection FEE hahahahaha.) instead its me throwing away alot more money than that, and her showing no remorse whatsoever.

maybe remorse is not the right word, but just sympathy or empathy for my pain, to say that she is sorry i am in pain. even if she didnt directly CAUSE the pain because you never INTEND to cause someone pain because you cant CHOOSE who you like or dont like. but the pain is an INEVITABLE consequence.

but uhhhh intended or not, its still the CAUSE.

you didnt intend to cause it tho.

but you knew it WOULD cause it inevitably.

see this is super high level thought which she was really not capable of. at least not with me.

i shouldnt even be capable of it right now! i should be hating her more for being so shitty to me!

i am kinda getting there. slowly getting more and more angry.

but i dont think it will grow and grow and grow to a boiling point like my luv did.

i think it will just culminate in me being cold and disgusted by her, like she was by me, and just want to stay away from her forever.