IS IT MANIA OR JUST ANXIETY?

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yeah i mean if i can get employed again i will think more seriously about getting hookers. i fooking HATE strip clubs, i hate them. my friend always wants to go and i never want to go. i would much rather just pay a damn hooker. i would tell her to ease into it, and to be really NICE, maybe not to look at me hahaha dont u fookin look at me.

i have always strived for perfection because i have always had trouble with jobs and women and i am convinced you need to be PERFECT to get them. otherwise you always get rejected before getting the job/gurl. rejected during the interview process. just wasnt good enough.

yet companies hire people that arent perfect, and women select men that are FARRRRRR from perfect.

you already know the answer, what you need is a large amount of confidence!

i wonder if its easier to become a degenerate when you are lonely and dont know any women. probably. then its harder to view women as human beings, cuz all you see are the women in pornos acting like degenerate animals. this is why having female friends is always a benefit. it makes you more confident around women so you can bang the women you want, hahahaha. or to have the rels you want with the women you want. or just to view women as Human Beings and not soulless, degenerate, disgusting, animals, sociopaths, cvm dumpsters. just human beings worthy of respect.

unless all the women you know are disgusting dumb degenerates not worthy of respect. its possible. thats why some decent women choose not to have female friends, cuz women are too much drama.

then they just have a bunch of guy friends and that’s not a great scenario EITHER. either they are stringing along beta orbiters, or getting promiscuous with a bunch of fook buddies. either situation leads to degeneracy.

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6 month rule. women should not be having secs before knowing a guy 6 months, before getting to know him, dating him exclusively, ideally exchanging the mutual “i luv u’s”, and then really TEST him, before spreading.

but in todays sick sad world, women meet and fook and briefly pseudodate and dump a guy all within 6 months,  and no one really gets to know one another, and as the process is repeated, people become uglier and less worth knowing!

hehehe getting into my woman-hating, humanity-hating phase now.

slept terribly last night. woke up at 4 am and that was about it. felt like a total failure at life, couldnt handle life, mind was racing manically, it was a bit scary. im not sure if i just had too much caffeine or WHAT. it was pretty bad. i was anticipating a bad day on friday because its gurls birthday and she will prob go out and have fun and get fooked by her friends and boifrans and make new frans and laugh and connect with people and get charming my charming magicians slinging bullshit, suck dicks and drink jzz, no big deal, just a fun casual thing you do during your twenties.

one of the things that brought us together back in the day is we were both shy and didnt really want to go out and meet new people or go out partying and drinking. she may be changing that now!

but yeah it was a terrible night of sleep, feel like garbage now. was expecting a bad day on fri but to get one right off the bat on thursday is not cool. maybe fri will even be better!

i dunno i was just not expecting to wake up and get that 4 am manic dread. mind racing. i dont know if its mania or what. shit i could have bipolar. is it MANIA or just ANXIETY?

i think it was probably just anxiety and maybe caffeine. i drank a lot of strong tea yesterday because i was like ohh yeah tea is great, it doesnt irritate my bowels.

or maybe it was i took a benadryl the night before, and slept ok then, so this was the blowback? this is why i take benadryl only once every 3 days.

basically i am experiencing the reality of shit that started last year, ten months ago, when our friendship started dying. i was desperate to fix it, but she wasnt. and at that moment it died, i hadnt really known it had died, but it dead. and now that much is obvious, unequivocal to me as well as her. i have a knowledge i did not have before. its over. it was over 10/11 months ago.

sure i deserved to be treated better. but life isnt fair! deal with it.

i dont really hate people. i went out to play trivia yesterday and sat at a table with 5 other people and they are all decent human beings. even the 1 woman hahahaha. we talk to people from other trivia teams and they are all decent people. there are decent people everywhere. even the single mom waitress with tattoos and fatherless children, she is a decent person just trying to support her child and working a horrible job to do so. i wish i could leave her a bigger tip! being a waitress in a kinda busy bar/grill is even worse than working in a fast paced Tech Support Call Center! and she 90% sure makes less!

i guess there was less ambiguity with the other women. we had a talk where they basically said ITS OVER. now i didnt truly accept that, and tried to “win them back” of course, and with w2 and 3 was able to manipulate them into making out with me again, briefly, got hopes up, i took that as a mixed signal, i didnt want to believe i was manipulating them, and they were doing this because they really wanted to, but you know how women can be manipulated into ANYTHING short term. secs, having babies, getting tattoos, doing things with long term consequences with no thought, etc.

well here the silence and no response is my unambiguous response!

but it might be 1% to have them say its over?

its definitely better to have them say SOMETHING rather than avoid you entirely. its not an explanation why, because nobody wants to hear “i dumped you because youre an insecure loser failure at life and not attractive and fat old and pathetic,” dont need to hear that “its not you its me” is JUST FINE, but something about the human decency of being told that its over, rather than just being avoided, abandoned, ghosted. that is a whole new WORLD of pain which i never knew before!

it just sucks because i was closer to the woman than i was to the women i actually “dated.” them, i met them, Wooed them, banged them or had some sensual physical stuff, enjoyed a few weeks of “honeymoon” period of dating, then it ended because they didnt want a serious rel like i did. all in the course of 3 months, beginning middle end.  and her i knew her for almost 3 YEARS total, and things were good between us for 2 years, where we built up actual knowing each other, and trust. none of these things did i have with gurls i “dated” in a more “conventional” way, i.e., made out with them for hours or banged them.

i have had some decent female friends but we drifted apart fairly naturally with no hard feelings. not like what happened here! plus the two years was a pretty long time, is close to Longest Friendship With A Woman Ever.

so when i call it A Long Term Relationship, that is no fooking lie. ending in the worst, most hurtful way possible.

i did a 3.2 mile walkjog, responded to an email from a male Work Acquaintance, different guy than my Mancrush Special Connection Male Friend, not as much of a gay connection with this guy, but we got along well, and I accepted him for his Autistic Self, which some people, especially women, have trouble Accepting The Autism.

he was a real smart guy and did not get the respect he deserved IMHO, so i tried to make up that deficit. i told him i resigned and that i had a “long term relationship with a coworker than ended badly and left me devastated” which is all very true. did not name names or even use pronouns. for all he knows it is a damn man. i trust him somewhat but not sure if i trust him enough to say Who It Is to him. besides its like 80% men 20% women at this point, not a lot of possible women to choose from. he did not come back though but got a new job, good for him. i know it is in tech support, but hopefully it is better than where we were. he said he was busy, but he’s always busy, he had 3 jobs and worked like 80 hours a week. he was not a sensitive shy autist in other words. he TCB.

but yeah thats why this is the worst heartbreak ever, it is such a perfect shitstorm:

  1. first time i ever got feelings for a female friend
  2. i was friends with her for a long time, possibly the longest of any woman ever for me

and thats why. it was a srs relationship and i had srsly deep feels. no joke. if it was just some slutty bitch that i had a whirlwind secs with, couple abortionz, i would be mad sure, in fact i would be more mad! but i would probably get over it quicker, feel less pain overall.

but yeah this was a BIG DEAL and it would be nice if it were a big deal for her too. its not like i fooked her, women can forget about that, thats not a big deal. but knowing someone for almost 3 years is something they cant ignore. and then that just gets ripped out. how can that not hurt.

it is very much like a phantom limb, you wake up and feel your leg tingling, then in 20 seconds realize its been chopped off forever.

did a 2.8 mile walkjog, 6 miles again for 2nd day in a row.

a huge part of Getting And Staying in Shape would be to continue this during the Winter. I am already losing weight and that is kewl but naturally the winter it all comes back. because i dont go to planet fatness during the winter.

i vow that i will never dump somebody in this HORRIFIC way i have been dumped.

i vow that i will be much more direct and fast in talking about Feelings with women. either in asking “do you have feelings for me” or “i have feelings for you.”

also tell female platonic friends that WARNING i can develop feelings for platonic female friends after 2 years, so even if everything seems cool right now, it might not always be that way.

but yeah waking up at 4 am is NOT COOL. my mind was racing and not working well and i was thinking, maybe my Meds are not working??? cuz i just started meds after being off them 100% for 1 or 2 months; and a new med; and then had a bunch of bad shit happen almost immed after starting the med.

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