so i am technically a millennial but i am an OLD millennial, i am near the cutoff, it gets into a gray area with generation X, i am not a Peak Millennial, and I do not identify with the always connected, every person is replaceable and has an expiration date, shallowness of human relationships, of many millennials. and am more Spiritual and less Career Oriented, and Less Progressive, and More Traditional.

I did not ALWAYS have a Cell Phone. I did not have a Cell Phone until 2006. I never had a Smart Phone.

I remember getting the first Family Computer in 1995. I used it to write of course. I want to say we got Dial Up Internet in like 1997 or 98. I enjoyed it, it was a game changer for sure. However I would not know what a Social Network was for another 8 years or so.

I signed up for Facebook in 2005 when you still needed an edu email address. I was recently grad from college, and never used facebook during actual college.

i think i technically used facebook BEFORE i used Myspace! the middle class kids who Went Away to College had Facebook, the more working class kids who didnt, used myspace. i was using both myspace and facebook simultaneously.

anyway thats about it. for example my female former friend was signif younger than me and is a much bigger millennial. so secs means nothing to her, its just somethign you do with any guy you’ve known for longer than 1 hour. except me hahahahaha. me im worse than a cheater or raper. hahahaha.

well i thought you couldnt cheat on women because they were always cheating on you first! or everything is always an open relationship with women, so they are always dating multiple people at all times!

no, once in a while a woman falls in love with a man, in the way that men fall in love with women, and women want the men to be committed to them, and HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A WOMAN SCORNED when that man cheats on the woman and breaks her heart.

i always found it hard to believe that men can break womens hearts, but it happens! it happened to my FFF from the sleazebag guy she short term dated for longer than i ever dated a woman hahahaha. she was in luv with him and wanted to be exclusive but he was a dirty cheater, broke her heart, and i think devastated her. i dunno. we never talked about it much. we were already on the outs. hehe. i bet she would have quit her job if she worked with HIM.

heh. anyone who uses the phrase “COOL AS A CUCUMBER” is probably all right with me. you can tell a lot about a person by the phrases they use. you can develop an instant connection with them hahahaha. or its a fake connection, a fantasy all in your mind.

this is why you gotta be constantly interrogating people to find our who they REALLY are, and how REAL your connection actually is. the person who says cool as a cucumber may actually be a sociopath that treats people like garbage.

well i have to convince myself that i did not DESERVE to be treated like garbage, and that that does not PROVE i am a sociopath abuser who would abuse all women, or who even abused HER at all. if anything she abused ME hahahaha.

then the next step is to accept she is just a decent person doing an bad thing not out of intent to hurt. but just because she is overwhelmed and just cant deal with that, so she shut down.

fook. it takes $15000 to take a 10 month HVAC training program. that is 4 hours a day of HVAC skool, 4 days a week. Fifteen Thousand Dollars. I mean maybe i would have gone as 5000 dollars. but 15000 is insane.

anyway if she did just Shut Down I wish she would Start Back Up and attempt to apologize for hurting me.

but yeah point is, whenever i hurt somebody, which is not a regular thing thank god, I don’t INTEND to hurt them. if i hurt her i never INTENDED to hurt her.

i would think most non sociopaths never INTEND to hurt people. they just go ahead and cheat because their body says yes yes yes in the moment. emotionally compromised. then they get carried away and hurt people without intending. are too selfish and opportunistic and get caught up in the moment and just do stuff without thinking about it.

maybe even sociopaths dont go OUT OF THEIR WAY to hurt people, but they just DONT CARE when they hurt people. that is still pretty damn bad.

she might even care that i’ve been hurt! but the onus has never been on her more to contact me. ive contacted her again and again and again. shit the ball has been in her court ever since the beginning of this conflict.

creative jobs are gay. its hard enough to be creative “naturally”, unrestrained, freeform, in the way of your choosing. but when its your JOB to be creative in the Limned Manner to fit somebody else’s Vision and Mission, to force yourself to be creative 9-10 hours a day in the way that THEY tell you, and to come up with a new Creative Idea every 20 to 30 minutes, and youre not coming up with enough creative ideas, or these creative ideas are not creative in the right way………..i would say take your creativity and stick it up your candy ass, i’m getting a non creative job.

like be creative about this, not about that.

but maybe its not like that. these career oriented people are Very Happy to be Creative in the Way their Employer tells them. well good for them.

so she is super immature and cant deal with relationships, and i am somehow more mature? because i want to communicate?  yet her shortest rel is longer than my longest rel? and her longest rel is super damn long? no i think she was more than willing to communicate in those situations. she wanted to communicate with those men, they just didnt want to communicate with her.

hahaha maybe shes just not mature enough to know how to handle when men want to communicate with her.

we never want to communicate with people who want to communicate with us hahahaha. stupid.

well its different with me because she never liked me, and she never wanted to like me, and wanted to avoid the reality of me liking her, just like i wanted to avoid the reality of her not liking me!!!!!

taking 1 benadryl once every 3 days, took one last night and went to bed early. good way to cope i guess.

i keep operating under the assumption that she read my heartfelt emails begging for communication. begging for respect and closure. but in reality, she prob never read them. but did she DELETE them? i dunno. will she read them LATER? now that you put it THAT way…….probably NOT!

it would have been a LOT better for my confidence, already not my strong suit, for to simply say, SORRY, ITS NOT YOU ITS ME. like every other gurl says. that encapsulates both an apology, some sort of definitive Statement of Communication, and the attempt to spare your ego and to let you down easy.

but now, i can either assume i am a total piece of shit who doesnt deserve respect, OR that she is immature and just cant deal with this situation.

well, scenario 2 is not far off. i KNOW she is Conflict Avoidant. and maybe if she were in luv with me, she would have made an effort to communicate, like she did with the other men. but she wasnt in luv with me. she connected with me BECAUSE i was not in luv with her. at that time at least.

i was NON THREATENING. as soon as i got feelings, she felt threatened and scared and ran away like a frightened animal.

she might be emotionally immature insofar as she cant communicate With Men Shes Not In Luv With, but she was savvy enough to pick up on my signals that Things Had Changed.

I am historically horrible with signals though. because the last woman was terrible at signals. she couldnt even do signals! but she could do direct clear communication though, so, that’s really honestly a lot better!

its weird that people can do signals, but not actual communication with words.

well, she CAN do communication with words, she just didnt WANT to.

or she was just too SCARED to, like the deer running away.

cant even drink COFFEE any more because it makes me poop too much. it does not have this effect on EVERYBODY. it affected me at my job, drinking coffee to try to sharpen my mind and make me sound smart and alert, and then running to bathroom for explosive but small poops every hour. it was fooking annoying!!!!! plus you get frowned upon for leaving your desk excessively.

i enjoy coffee though. i enjoy the taste, the caffeine, the smell, everything about it.

but i am trying more tea and less coffee now. i did some “research” and it is probably a compound in coffee, not caffeine, that i dont think is in tea.

if you want to hang out with a gurl but dont know what to do, invite her to coffee or tea. in england they drink TEA 90000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 times a day. I think this is a great tradition. they have TEA ready for their guests at any time of day, for any occaision, at work, at home, literally whenever two people are talking, its the perfect time for tea. there is nothing quite like that in the US. so give it a shot and if the bitch balks and thinks its creepy and weird, look her right in the eyes and smirk and say suck my dick, bitch, i think im due.

and then you just sit and drink coffee or tea and talk and get to know each other. smoke cigarettes maybe. i did this with my female former friend back in the day when we used to get along.

smoking a hookah is also a good alternative as well.

“hookah bars” are kinda sleazy and degenerate though, anything that encourages casual sex. avoid anything SEXY unless the gurl wants to have secs with you. just find an Unsexy place where Men Only would go to smoke hookahs and have important, Smart Man Talk.

“Cheating” the very WORD itself implies a one sidedness, deception, dishonesty.

i mean i would have casual sex with a gurl if i were horny, she were good looking, she was ready and willing. and i would say babe lets do this with other people too because i dont really have feelings for ya. that would be fine.

but when you get two people together who want different things out of each other, that’s where the pain starts. when you want to be monogamous and you want the other person to feel the same way………but they dont. here comes da boom hahahahaha.

just had enough stupid coffee type poop. god damn thats annoying. i could very well have Irritable Bowel Sydrome because Irritable is the perfect description of Muh Bowelz.

so, she needed me to be the drama feel male, the guy who didnt like her, then i was safe and non threatening. ok i can get that. and so when i changed, that totally changed me, despite all my unread claims that “im still the same person.” and IMHO, I AM. im still the same person, just with this one importantly changed component. but to her, i was a completely changed person. well, it does completely change the relationship i’ll grant. all the more reason to communicate abotu that change IMHO!

hehehe is there a PILL that can give you CONFIDENCE.

god damn just say its not you its me! how hard is that!

even I know thats the right way to communicate! Me, who has never had even a Medium Term Rel with a Woman!

I know the right way to communicate, i just havent had the CHANCE yet, by muh early Thirties. just keep failing before i get to that point. but its not for want of Knowing The Right Way To Communicate. Its for Want of the woman Like Liking me.

for want of a nail, the ship was lost, for want of a something, i’m thinking of that ridiculous tom waits song “misery is the river of the world.”

whats the worst thing i ever did to a woman? well, i was real upset about woman3 who rejected me in 2005 and i basically terrorized her whenever i saw her. i didnt REALLY stalk her, but i talked mad shit about her, calling her a filthy heartless two faced whore, spitting beer on her car, letting everybody know how much i hated her and how shitty she was, i was publicly heartbroken and hurt and basically BULLYING her and trying to turn everybody against her.

ultimately i was more hurt by my own stupid behavior. i had just graduated from college and should have been focused on my career.

i didnt want to communicate with her especially! i just wanted to either get back together with her, or never see her again! i was also butthurt that she had moved in right next door to me, so i wanted to punish her for that. that was a big deal.  i really cant see the person right after getting dumped. plus she was back with her x boifran and i hated seeing her going out with him and looking all happy, while i was fooking devastated.

and we sort of did communicate after that. one day we had kind of a heart to heart talk where she basically gave me the apology i was looking for, like i didnt realize how much it would hurt you for me to move next door to you.  i sort of appreciated that attempt at empathy.

but yeah i never stalked or got violent towards her. the most violent i would get is a damn tearful weepy conversation with her where i would cry “this is really hard for me to get over.” then i would bully her behind her back hahahaha.

so that is the worst thing i have ever done to a woman, is react less than gracefully when i was dumped and heartbroken.

never cheated, never lied. never strung someone along, never was dishonest for months, never was twofaced or living a double life.

also my drinking back then didnt help. that made me more shameful and pathetic and angry. in the end i was much worse to myself than i was to her however! she became a successful and respected Intellectual Academic PhD who probably got a tenure professor job at a Good University.

and i was a 900000000000 times smarter than her hahahahaha and cant even make 15DAH, cant get a 1 year monogamous rel. the most batshit crazy bipolar borderline women ive ever known, the worst communicators ever, the most emotionally immature, can get 1 year monog rels EASY.

guys are much less quick to dump gurls than women are to dump guys. OBVIOUSLY. but to all the college faggots out there, think about that one!

funny, i am talking to hypothetical people from my middle class college, real middle class progressive NYCfags i never would have associated with anyway! my actual friends from middle class college were much more down to earth.

and the people from my “upper working class” hood who went to “upper working class college” near that hood, i dont think they have such stupid progressive marxist ideas about Women and Diversity and just are not as Culturally Marxist. this university was not as Culturally Marxist in other words. and that is a very very good thing.

but i think the higher status the university, the more marxist its gonna be. weird uh?

the MORE bourgeois, the MORE marxist? bbbbbbbut i thought marxists HATE the bourgeois!

protip: the most hardcore marxist true believers……..ARE bourgeois. Marx himself came from a bourgeois background. i think hahahahahaha.

but yeah i wish i had stayed in my hood with My People and gone to a univ that was more filled with My People. The Marxist Diversity killed me hahahahaha. no all the middle class brainwashed twits killed me. people who did not respect human nature. people who say men and women are the same and that casual sex is empowering for women, as the Victim Class, to fight back against the Oppressor Class and Patriarchy that has oppressed them. so go out and fook as many guys as possible and so what if you break the hearts of some Sensitive Traditional Boy hahahahaha. oh well. small price to pay. tiny loss for the greater good.

i mean all the women were batshit crazy and promiscuous as fook. disgusting, this is not what women should be like. but they didnt know any better!

anyway college needs to be less of a degenerate middle class brainwashing. i had no idea how bad it would really be.

again that was my middle class high status college. the average normie college was probably much better in terms of not being horribly degenerate.