I CANT BELIEVE IT

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shit. i cant believe it. i cant handle this. the woman i liked the MOST, above all others, and this wasnt a snap judgment, it was after Knowing her for two years, turns out to be a huge disappointment.

i alternate between kinda sorta starting to 5% get over it, back to 0% bad as i ever was. migth be because her birthday is coming up. that is not gonna be fun. but when did she remember MY birthday? NEVER.

i just hate how they can make YOU the bad guy even when THEY are the bad guy. So it makes sense, that’s exactly WHY they make you the bad guy.

my world world is shattered though. cuz most women give you warning signs right away. i didnt really get any warning signs from her. well, not until about 1 year ago when she starting dating a sleazebag guy very soon after the end of a long term rel. that was the first time i was really surprised. and i guess things didnt really get better after that. that ended badly, i guess she could have started slutting it up, but she didn’t, she was just cold as ice to me, she may well get around to slutting it up in the near future though. stupid.

i cant believe it. it went so wrong it is ridiculous. everything that could go wrong did go wrong.

i guess i could have stuck around the job and then confronted her in person. said “we have to talk NOW.” then she probably would have said “get away from me, i dont want to talk to you” or “theres nothing to talk about, stay away from me, we’re done” or something like that. and i wouldnt have handled that all too well either!

i am just kinda butthurt about the job though too.

i thought about going back but obviously she is gonna be trouble for me. i know we would not “figure things out.” she would continue to be cold to me and i would get angry seeing her being nice and making friends with everybody else, knowing we had been friends before.

she thinks I threw the friendship away because I got feelings, I think SHE threw the friendship away because she refused to communicate at all. whatsoever. and I think my analysis is more correct.

however she thinks I am 100% to blame. maybe. I am not so immature that i can say i am blameless.  i was too pushy and not direct enough. but I am only maximum 40% blame.

fook. i mean yeah this is really dead horse beating shit now.

oh well. i guess better to learn a shitty lesson than nothing. like she learned. she learned nothing. shes gonna continue being a horrible communicator and choosing horrible men. it is a MIRACLE she does not have any babies yet. I’m sure she will soon if she continues down this path. single mother having babies with deadbeat scumbags, or just having short term rels with a bunch of deadbeat scumbags and be incapable of ever having a long term rel like she did when she was YOUNG, when i first met her. i actually wanted her to figure shit out with that guy. however it sounds like HE was too stubborn. she wanted to fix it, he didn’t, he dumped HER. which may be another reason why i was so surprised that she didnt even TRY to fix things with me. she just dumped me in the worst possible way. i mean thats HORRIBLE karma for her.

because its good karma for me to rejoice about her horrible karma hahahaha.

hey i am devastated here, my life is completely destroyed. this wasnt just true luv, it was my Career.

but maybe i subconsciously did that to Sabotage myself, and to make her My Worst Nemesis Ever, so I’d be able to Blame Her for Ruining My Life. hahahahaha.

well i repeat. i would have not quit the job if ANY of the following were true:

  1. it were an easier job
  2. it were a senior level, non entry level job
  3. if it were not the shittiest stupidest most stressful job ever
  4. if there were different rooms and we could have worked in different rooms

so i kinda wanted to leave and she gave me an excuse to leave even sooner. i was thinking about leaving in december anyway with no job lined up!

i was also thinking she would contact me and be like is everything all right? whyd you leave the job? i hope your anxiety gets better and you can come back! Let’s COMMUNICATE about our problems so theres no awkwardness when you come back, because i want you to come back!

nope, nothing of the sort. i obviously am such a piece of shit i dont deserve to be communicated with. like the guy who CHEATED on her!

but i thought you could have secs with whoever you want whenever you want! thats what a relationship is!

well, if i had ever BEEN in a relationship, I would know that people in a relationship COMMUNICATE and have CONVERSATIONS like “how serious are we? where is this going? is this an exclusive relationship? am i allowed to cheat? are you? what do you want out of this rel? what are we?”

HA she almost certainly communicated with the CHEATER better than she communicated with me. and she got upset and heartbroken when he didnt respond to her cuz he was too busy cheating.

well shes prob fookin “other” guys but its not cheating because she wouldnt even give me the time of day.

but i am very disappointed because she sure USED to give me the time of day, and i honestly had not had that Good of a Friendship with a Woman since like 2006. that was important to me even and i am very sad to lose it. i expressed this to her in email4, and i guess somewhat in emails1 and 3, but especially 4. but she prob never read them.

thats the other thing. i know i sent her chats like “im afraid of losing you” or something like that, indicated i was worried about the State of Our Relationship. she might sometimes respond to the messages but she NEVER responded to the most important thing in the message. it was as if she completely missed the most important part of the message. like when i tried to communicate with her, she would just NOT SEE IT, or skip over the most important parts, because i wrote too much and she just wanted to skim over it.

well shit yeah i write a lot but i would have read everything she wrote.

i just cant believe she would throw me away like that as if our 2 years of friendship meant NOTHING. i kinda expressed this point in a nicer way in email4, which she prob never read.

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I CANT BELIEVE IT.

believe it. it obviously happened.

the next question is perhaps a bit more productive, actually NONE of these questions are productive AT ALL:

HOW COULD THEY DO THIS TO ME?

who knows. we will never know. because they didnt luv you as much as you luved them. in fact, they didnt even LIKE you, in fact they had lost all respect for you, while your feelings for them were as strong as ever.

basically she treated me like i was a Random Harrasser, and as soon as i became The Harrasser, that canceled everything before it out, so she can do what shes doing with NO REMORSE. because im the bad guy for harassing her.

basically the turning point was when we both went to an event that we knew both of us would be at. since it was a bit of a drive i was pushing her that we should drive together. she said i dunno ill let you know. i should have been able to read the signal but times like this you dont WANT to read the signal. this is why i would have preferred a TALK, rather than god damn SIGNALS. fook signals.

anyway she never let me know and just went out there seperately. i was like ok, thinking thats kinda disappointing. when i got out there i texted and called her but no response, she had turned her phone off to either save battery or block me. see i just didnt think she hated me that much. i didnt think she viewed me as A Harasser, just as a Friend where we were having a little trouble. I would hoping this super fun event would help bring us together, a big fun event on a shared, special interest. no it did not work.

it was a big event so its almost more likely NOT to bump into someone you know there because there are literally thousands of people.

however i thought it was stupid that we should both be there but not meet up. i figured we were still friends at least, not a harasser/victim relationship, so if we are both at this big fun event, we should obv meet up, but the event is so large, it can be hard to meet up if someone is avoiding your texts.

i walked around a little bit once i got in. at that time i was not obsessed with Finding Her and Stalking Her, I just figured I’d do a casual walk around the venue and see if i saw anyone. I saw her within like 15 minutes. i said hello and things were immediately weird. i walked away because of the huge weirdness and just treated it like you saw someone you vaguely knew but never talked to and were def not friends with. got real nervous.

then 3 minutes later i said this is fooking STUPID, now we both know where each other is, im just gonna go back over there and play it cool.

ideally she would have come over to me and said something reassuring hahahaha.

i went back over there and played it remarkably cool and got so much coldness and weirdness from her.

well it was my fault because i didnt ask “is this ok? i can go away if you want to.” actually i think i hinted at it cuz it seemed really awkward to actually ask the question.

i thought things smoothed out a little bit over the course of the event. it was the first time i had met her outside of work in 10 months. but i could not have The Talk at this place unfortunately because it was a very public event, it was very loud, there were tons of people, it was loud and honestly no better a place for a heart to heart long talk, than work would be a suitable environment for such a thing. ie not at all!

but yeah she treated me like a creepy stalker harasser and i felt that was out of line because i didnt feel i was stalking her! in the past we had gone to events like this together, like drove together. i was the one who let her now about the event and she said oh cool i will get tickets for me. i was hoping she would say immediately something like lets make plans or lets go together. but NOoOoOoOoO, and that was just another signal of distancing i should have read.

i even waffled on getting my tickets because i figured very RIGHTLY that it would be awkward as fook. but at the last minute i decided to go, because i honestly didnt want to miss the sweet event! so i told her yeah im going now and she said cool. but i dont really think she thought it was cool hahahahaha.

she could have said cool wanna come with me? but no, i had to ask her and she said i dunno.

we really have completely different communication styles. I am way more DIRECT than her and she avoids and avoids and is noncommittal and unclear and in many cases defaulted to a kind of polite answer, which implied maybe, theres a chance, when she really meant NO, O GOD NO.  so that is kind of a mixed message when i am supposed to read Maybe as Definitely NO, especially when we had a Decent Rel in the past, and she LIKED hanging out with me, and WANTED to hang out with me. so i honestly thought Maybe meant Maybe.

but that event was the last time we talked and immed after that she pulled the plug entirely. SHUNNED me.

i watched a stupid program on jehovahs witnesses and how they “disfellowship” people and completely SHUN them, which a shrink described as “psychological torture.” I agreed that Shunning was uniquely painful. Shunning is another good word to describe this feel.

i have never been SHUNNED before. like i say the closest thing to this in my life would be when i got into a Feud with my college roomate and we cold shouldered and shunned each other, he started it of course.

but that was almost BETTER because i wasnt in LOVE with him! it didnt BREAK MY HEART, it just made me ragingly ANGRY and hateful, but not heartbroken!

so she thinks she is right to shun me, because i am a creepy harasser stalker who should have never looked for her at that event.

indeed in hindsight i wish i hadn’t! because of how shitty everything happened after that! i wish i hadnt even gone! but i honestly did want to go to this event. ok it was a concert of somebody we both really like and i have never seen them before and they are getting kind of old. it was a great concert and i am glad to get that off my bucket list. but it is also very bittersweet because it did not bring me and her closer together like i hoped it would, but indeed drove the final nail in the coffin.

ideally i will go to see him again by MYSELF or with a REAL friend so I can have a Do Over and experience the joy of seeing him WITHOUT the pain of HER.

but yeah i afterwards i texted her, sorry for being weird, i wasnt really stalking you you know, i was just walking around and i saw you. which was partially true. i was there like 1 hour before the main event with nothing to do, i wasnt gonna drink 10 dollar drinks or socialize with the degenerate burnout fans getting super drunk. i was just gonna walk around and people watch.

anyway i was fishing for “oh no you werent weird, if anything i was a little weird” but she did not respond to the idea of weirdness or stalking, she just said i had a good time, good night, and that was the very last we ever spoke.

so that’s HOW COULD SHE DO THIS TO ME. because she didnt view me as a friend any more, she just viewed me as a Weird Harasser and potentially Weird Creeper Stalker. and those people DESERVE To be Ghosted and Shunned and Avoided Without Explanation.

I am just butthurt that she could downgrade me from Good Real Friend, to Weird Creepy Stalker, and never communicate to me about it!!!!!

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