MORE DISBELIEF THAN DENIAL

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shit i watch intervention and these people are in much worse shape than me, then in 90 days of rehab they are totally changed. and are all full of energy and enthusiasm. seem to be in much better shape than me at that point! seeing that shit makes me think i need 90 days of rehab!

denial, really the more accurate term would be DISBELIEF. I CANT BELIEVE this is happening, i CANT BELIEVE they would do that to me, i can’t believe the situation i’m in, i have no idea how i’m gonna get out of this.

it takes a long time just to believe it happened! And you will NEVER make sense out of it!

stop trying to make sense out of it!

this is hard for a man to want to do. men want to make sense out of things.

well you cant make sense out of WOMEN. women are inherently nonsensical.

well the SENSE of it, is i was rejected because i was a weak underconfident beta who disgusted her rather than made her Tingle. this for her was reason enough to throw me away like garbage.

things like long term friendship mean something to men. they dont necessarily mean anything to women, especially when feelings enter the picture.

when i brought feelings in, i CHANGED THE GAME, and in her mind, ended the Long Term Friendship right then and there, unilaterally. it was my fault. at that point i immediately ceased being a long term friend, a human being worthy of respect, and became a Potential Suitor, and an obvious Lower Beta Male, and therefore worthy of NO respect. i stopped being worthy of respect in her eyes 10 months ago, or maybe 8 months, whenever she realized that i Liked her, whenever she realized i was texting more.

what was my crime? the feelings? the desire to communicate? or the pushiness?

well, logic says it was the pushiness.

and she was upset about the pushiness for sure, but i think she was upset about the feelings themselves, when really thats nobodys fault.

also the pushiness was wrong, my fault, ok. but it was rooted in a good thing, mature thing, the desire to communicate.

and she was wrong for being PUSHY AGAINST any sort of communication.

however, the LESSON LEARNED: as soon as your desire to communicate makes you start being pushier and pushier because they are Pushing Back and being Stubborn and Obstinate, and you know you should Rein it In, but you still are frustrated because you’re not able to communicate…….

at that point blurt it out.

Which means I should have blurted it out in DECEMBER as opposed to JULY. a FULL seven months earlier.

AS SOON AS YOU START GETTING PUSHY, JUST BLURT IT OUT ALREADY.

we would debate back and forth forever:

i would say she is more wrong than me, because she was so stubborn about (not) communicating.

she would say i am more wrong than her, because i was the first one to be stubborn, i started the stubbornness, with wanting to communicate, and wouldnt leave her alone when she made her intentions clear not to.

and i wuld say, WHATS WRONG WITH COMMUNICATING?

and she woud say, but i obviously didnt WANT to.

and i would rebut, well then that makes YOU the bad guy. i thought we were friends. when your friends want to communicate, you take one for the team.

and then she would rebut, our friendship ended in october the instant you got feelings.

and i would rebut, that changed our friendship and made it all the more important for us to communicate. but i disagree that i threw the friendship away at that moment. it made it all the more important to discuss the changing nature of the friendship and get everything out in the open, rather than sending stupid signals.

and then she would rebut, well you should have gotten the picture after a few months. and if you wanted to communicate so badly, you could have just blurted it out.

and then i would say, yep, thats what this whole experience taught me. i wasted three years of my life knowing you just to learn the lesson that i should blurt it out after two or three months rather than ten months.

that was really worth it hahahahahaha.

so yeah i wish i never met her, and again i managed to waste three years of my life. just like i wasted three years of my life on woman2012. and after her i said NEVER AGAIN, thats why i will ACT FAST next time.

i could say i only wasted TEN MONTHS rather than THREE YEARS. thats also a valid argument.

in fact i think it is the CORRECT argument, in the Court/Trial of Logical Debate.

Ok. we knew each other for almost 3 years. 2 years and 10 months.

for the first 2 years everything was fine. we were friends and i dont consider this time wasted.

for the final 10 months i had feelings and shit got worse and worse until the shitstorm end.

i “wasted” this time insofar as i didnt tell her right away. blurt it out. but it was still proper to wait about 3 months before blurting it out. so really i only wasted 7 months.

but i say, those ten months could not have been possible without the two years. the 2 years was a CAUSE of my feelings. then, while i had feeling, i went back, in my mind, to remember those two years in a more rose colored fashion, that i had not really had at the time. this gives the feeling of a “three year love rel” when in fact it was not.

sure i can say i wish i never met her, and if i had never been friends with her i would have never fallen in love with her. those points still stand up to scrutiny.

BUT it does NOT follow that i was in love with her for 3 YEARS! but in fact, only 10 months. the love that i had during those 10 months does NOT change the feelings i had for the prior 2 years. even if sometimes it feels like it.

verdict: i did NOT waste 3 years. i did not even waste 10 months. i only wasted about 7 months.

last time, with woman2012, i wasted 3 years, cuz i dev feels for her quite soon. they lasted quite a while unfortunately. i would hang out with her but i didnt confess my feels for 3 years. plus we just werent really that close. i was much closer to woman2015 during our friendship period. shit during that time SHE actually wanted to hang out with ME!!!!!!!!!

well doesnt that mean the bitch wants the D?

hahahahaha of course it does. I should have just made her cheat on her boifran, and had us BOTH Pop our Cheating Cherry.

oh god what a sick sad world!

also, to the charge that she didn’t know i wanted to “communicate.” she just thought i wanted to HANG OUT all the time. maybe if i had known my true desire was to Communicate and Talk, she would have been more amenable to that. but since i phrased it as always “wanna hang out”, she just thought i wanted to hang out.

well i agree my cardinal sin was to be constantly pushing her to hang out, and i should have, 7 months earlier, blurted out the thing i wanted to communicate. fine i accept THAT.

but by the other token, she could have seen that Hanging Out was Important to me, and then carved out a Fooking HOUR for us to hang out, like go to dinner like we USED to, at least one time in ten months.

i didnt think it would stretch out this long. i was optimistic to have The Talk within One Month! i thought she was gonna invite me to something for thanksgiving, i thought she was going to invite me to something for xmas, nothing!

i fully expected the matter to be settled by the end of the year. i really did think she was gonna invite me to like a get together at thanksgiving and or xmas, and we would get my beloved COMMUNICATION then.

so i was disappointed when that didnt happen. i should have told her that!

we communicated well on little things and small talk and even bigger talk about Life, but when it came to talking about the The Big Things Between Us, we were both horrible at talking about that sort of stuff. but at least i wanted to.

if she wanted to, she could have made a damn effort, like responded to my emails. takes two to tango hahahahaha. she could have lifted a finger. i at least lifted a finger in my cowardly way. she did absolutely nothing in her even more cowardly way.

well i sent one email before we stopped talking and three emails after we stopped talking. i know she read that very first one. now the next three, she may have read the first one. but the second two, there is increasing likelihood that she blocked. and the third one, which i sent one week ago, was really the best and most important.  and also the one least likely to be read. damn.

heh. this would be a lot easier if i had a female friend i could go to for Booty Call Secs.

I really gotta learn to Separate Secs and Luv if I ever want to get along with a damn Woman. cuz thats what they do ALL THE TIME.

i went to church and a really cute gurl sat in the row right in front of me. this is not normal. she was i dunno adult age, age of consent and above. normally the only cute gurls that go to church are Underage Gurls with their Parents. but not Overage Gurls. I mean she was about 21. if anything she was still too young! also i didnt think she was as attractive as my female former friend (FFF). but she was still definitely attractive and i would have thrown it in. but she was way too young and in good shape to consider a super old fat slob like me. it would just be CREEPY for me to be attracted to her!

but yeah cant stop playing what if, things i could have done differently. if i had just blurted it out. and you can get pretty creative with how you blurt it out. text, email, messages, smoke break, after work, you could even send them an at work instant message chat. so i was a little uncomfortable about that. i wanted to talk about it in person. hence all the talk of hanging out. but i didnt say anything like “i want to hang out BECAUSE I have something i really wanna talk about.” so again its all my fault for that hahahahaha.

well i was treading carefully here. i had no idea. i had never fallen in luv with a female friend before. i hadnt even HAD a female friend period for years. because i am such a weird omega male with an intense inferiority complex that repulses all people, especially women hahahaha. i expected that if i ever had another female friend she would be so physically unattractive that i would never develop feels for her. so go figure when i made a female friend who was not ugly. hahahahaha.

shit.

hahaha i remember joking with her in october or november how she had “three strikes” and she had just used up one or two of them.

so it was all my fault for not controlling my perception and my reaction. if i had reacted differently, we would have lived happily ever after.

no that is bullshit. she is not some blameless victim.

i remember the closest thing we had to “communication” was i was begging for her forgiveness and sorry sorry sorry sorry i have been so pushy, and then she said “tbh that is why i have been so distant” or something like that. basically blaming me for everything. so its all my fault.

well she just thought i wanted to HANG OUT, she didnt know i had the legitimate desire of communication!

she didnt know i wanted to communicate, she just thought i wanted to hang out!

see how weak that sounds?

communication is an inherent PART of hanging out!

well, not really. there are plenty of people who hang out all the time but never really communicate.

but i didnt even get ONE FOOKING CHANCE.

and instead of blaming me as the bad guy, she could have said lets TALK, or lets just hang out for ONE HOUR, or write an email actually Examining her Feelings.

but that would involve THINKING about your feelings. to take it one step further than Animal Impulse.

i dont LIKE being so emotional, thats why i spend so much time and energy dissecting my ridiculous emotions and trying to learn from them, trying not to let them ruin my damn life like they are right now.

ruin my shit with women, ruin jobs and lives.

i dunno i just felt more Emotionally Mature than her, believe it or not, because i was willing to put my emotions under the microscope and really get to the root of them, and talk about everything, but she was willing only to blame me as the bad guy and wasnt willing to think or talk about anything.

i would reflect on myself and my feelings too much, she reflected on herself and her feelings not at fooking ALL.

thats the only thing you can tell me. is that its all my fault for making you be distant and cold. no other thoughts on the situation at all. shit at least take ten minutes to talk about those feelings. i think when we had that talk, it wasn’t really a talk, it was the briefest of exchanges on instant message. i would have rather had her bitch and moan about why i was such a bad inconsiderate pushy guy if she were sitting with me and actually talking. then we could have used that opportunity to talk about related things, like why i was so pushy, and what my problem was, and what she thought, and what i thought.

yeah i was no angel but neither was she. i am Mature enough to see that i was no angel, but she is just gonna blame it all on me, and have no conscience. in her mind, i deserved this kind of treatment. in my mind, i deserved to be treated with basic human respect.

so i learn lessons, kinda shitty lessons that weren’t worth the pain. and she learns NOTHING.

well i become a better person and she will become a worse person. women often do hahaha.

however i became more of a loser in the material world.

well, see, according to email1, i made my desire to communicate 100% clear. we were still talking then. i basically said sorry for pushing you but its not that i want to hang out per se, i just want to talk. can we talk on the phone or email. i miss the closeness of our friendship. i know she read this one. i wish she had responded to it. she just said I read it and I wasnt upset, but gave no further comment on what she thought. TYPICAL. (like a pussy i harped about “please dont be UPSET” during the email to make it clear i wasnt accusing her of anything)

email2 came about 2 or 3 weeks later, when all the shit had gone down. not sure if she read this one, but an ok chance. she had unfriended me from facebook but not sure if she blocked me.

but when you unfriend someone, it gives you the choice right then, do you also want to block this person? i dunno i never unfriended anyone. i only had 8 fb friends. i only friend people i expect to never unfriend!

anyway in this one i said im so sorry it happened this way, i resigned from job, im wish it didnt end this way, im sorry, i am having a real bad time right now, i hope you will talk to me again some day, yes i do have feelings for you, they started in october. i wont send any more emails, i never wanted to hurt you, i just wanted to communicate.

then 10 days later i sent another email (email3)  saying sorry im sorry, but i have to ask, could you ever have feelings for me ever, and also please please respond and tell me what you think about all this. the please respond email.

then 3 weeks later, sent her email4, prob the best one, saying please respond less desperately, but basically saying we can end it better than this, i deserve more respect than this, please treat me like a human being, please treat me with respect, dont hate me like a piece of shit. its never too late to communicate about this. please take the high road. i am not a horrible person.

not gonna get a response to that one either! email1 she said she read, email2 she might have read, and likelihood of reading decreases on email3 and 4.

what the hell did i do that was so BAD? she treats cheaters and horrible people better than she treated me, her friend of 2 years, where we knew and trusted each other.

i am having a REALLY tuff time getting over this. i cannot see how it WONT permanently damage me.

I CANT BELIEVE IT! how could she not even just send a message or write an email! because she things THAT LITTLE of me! But I didnt do anything THAT BAD!!!!!!! I CANT BELIEVE IT!

the only good things to come out of this are that stupid worthless lesson i learned about Blurting It Out within 3 months; getting better about Jogging; getting sort of closer with Family.

but also my confidence is completely gone, i cant even make a phone call!!!

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