bitches hate guys who like to cuddle too much because its UNMASCULINE; also, bitches are so used to have secs with tons of guys, that secs means less to women than it does to the average beta or lesser man; and cuddling means EVEN LESS. simply, cuddling is BORING to women, she only gets thrills from SEX with a New Alpha.

cuddling is boring to women because cuddling is much more boring than sex, and sex is boring enough as it is to the average slut who has secs with every man she meets hahahahahaahhaah. sluts. dirty sluts. have fun marrying a gurl like that, i would rather be alone and celibate the rest of my lonely life hahahahaha.

what is the best way to dump a guy? talk to him in person, have some long talks with him, say its not you its me, im SORRY, its OVER. ive gone over this before!

so i want comeuppance? justice???!?!?!?! hahahaha. sort of i guess, but i know how unlikely i am to get it. i have done all i can legitimately do. anything else would REALLy make me a bad guy. and a really dont want that!

next time you have secs with a woman tell her how you lost a lot of respect for her because she gave it up too early, like a total slut.


sometimes i still get that same confusion in teh middle of the night or early morning, like i am going senile and brain just doesnt work any more, dont know which way is left or right or up or down, just totally confused and scared. not fun. does not build the confidence for jobs.

yeah you think you know somebody. and it takes a while. to really get to to know somebody is at LEAST a 1 year investment, prob closer to 2. and i thought i knew this person better than to totally HURT me like this. never expected it. but only a person you know really CAN hurt you this much.

she hurt me way more than i hurt her. what i did, being pushy and weird about wanting to hang out and obviously talk about “SOMETHING”, is more or a minor annoyance than something that deeply hurts and devastates you, like being totally abandoned (i think the word “ghosting” is girly and gay and unmasculine and stupid)

well she took it as a MAJOR annoyance that was worthy of me being totally abandoned.

i think. i dunno, maybe she is just scared and didnt know how to deal with it, so she ran away.

i wonder how many abandonings are rooted in that. basically it just means their INTENT isnt REALLY to ABANDON you………….but they abandon you anyway, and the pain is the same.

also i was just not expecting that at all. but in reality i was HANGING BY A THREAD ever since like january. the last time we really felt CLOSE was in like november. since then i was trying to “close the gap” but she kept pulling away.

yep at that time i should have blurted it out.

she does have the RIGHT to pull away and want to get out of the relationship. just be mature enough to realize that is gonna hurt the other person, and do your part to mitigate/minimize that hurt.



even if i was hanging by a thread, to be cut off so coldly was still unexpected given what we had. was a living nightmare.

and my offense, getting feelings, was that really so weird or unexpected? when a man and a woman are pretty good Friends for 2 years, don’t you think it seems KINDA IN THE REALM OF POSSIBILITY that one person COULD eventually get feelings? OF COURSE! OBVIOUSLY!

it will not be FUN if its one sided, but doesnt mean you still cant deal with it like mature teenagers hahahahaha. just agree that the feelings are not shared and End The Relationship AMICABLY. AMICABLY, not with extreme anger on both sides. and what is the main ingredient there?

never talking and abandoning, vs talking and communication of course hahahaha.

what did i do to deserve this?

nothing, i didn’t deserve this, i was treated unfairly, wawawaawawawawaawaw

she is lucky i am not a violent psycho because this kind of stuff would really set a violent psycho off!

hahahaha here i am a guy who has experience nothing of secs, and rels, telling people who regularly have secs and rels, what secs and rels should be like!

“SECS is a Special and Unique and Profound thing that combines the Emotional and the Physical in a very Profound way, and therefore is best experienced as part of a long term relationship, to make that long term relationship stronger and more profound hurrr durrrrr” well WHAT WOULD I KNOW?  maybe its just sweaty pigs acting like subhuman animals hahahahaa

MAYBE ITS BOTH. maybe everythings both. so we cant ever say what anything is or is supposed to be, there is no truth, there is no beauty.

maybe its both. maybe there is both truth and no truth. IT DEPENDS. SITUATIONAL.

see i had that situational and conditional bullshit. My Luve 4 Her was UNCONDITIONAL.

GODS luv for us is UNCONDITIONAL hahahaha.

ok i am being edgy. 4 the atheists, how about: a parents luv for their children is UNCONDITIONAL. (ideally.)

today i was researching this “metal journalist” i used to read right before i lost interest in metal, when i cared enough to still read certain writers with interest, and he was one of them, and his “webzine”

i liked his difficult style of writing and like that he was intelligent and uncompromising. now, 10+ years later, i think the writing is pretentious and he is super autistic, and i was more interested in what type of person he was, namely, could he hold down a job? attract a mate? was he a virgin? a super autist? a shut in r9k neet loser like us? why did his writing seem to come to a halt in 2004? was it partially just me falling off the face of the earth? it seemed he fell off the face of the earth the same time i did. so i wanted to find out what he was doing in that time.

looks like hes been writing much less, and being much more productive in creating his own music, rather than writing about music, so good for him. he also has a Degree from a Good School and works as a PRogrammer and is gainfully employed and has had at least 2 gurlfrans who he seemed to have long term rels with, probably had secs with hahahaha.

so in other words, the guys a huge successful normalfag despite his autism, despite his seemingly misanthropic writing on black metal and such. well good for him. but he still says some things in that interview above, from 2012, when he was receiving more attention for his music than his writing, i guess his music is pretty good, but in the interview he said, and the whole thing is worth reading!!! but heres the things that stuck with me today, and i tried to view it both in terms of MY life, and in terms of HIS life:

I was completely lost in this bizarre mindscape/dimension/lifestyle that was extremely claustrophobic. I was living in a really nice, totally yuppie apartment with my ex-girlfriend at the time…. . . ., I would walk around at night a lot…through the woods there, through the trees and sand pathways and right by the park we lived by, night after night, and I felt horribly alone, isolated, yet still controlled…and I was drinking a lot, of course, but that doesn’t have much to do with anything (I hope). We lived in this apartment that was great, perfect, it had everything one would ever need, it was supposed to be the summit of a certain lifestyle, I could feel that all around me. “You’re here, you achieved this, you should be proud, blah blah..” No. It was still all the same. I used to lie awake at night, in these modern apartments you can hear everything through the walls because they’re built so cheaply…and I would hear my downstairs neighbors beating their son/abusing him and him crying out for help (we called the police several times and eventually they moved out), I would hear the upstairs people fighting and dragging their furniture back and forth (honestly, it sounded like they were building coffins and moving them around all night long), I would hear their daughter crying and whimpering, there were the meth head neighbors who moved to that place from even farther out f00king everything up in their lives over and over, fighting and screaming, just listening to them claw and tear at each other, it was suffocating. One always…tells oneself that “this isn’t humanity, this is something else” but I often think that’s such a horribly fake-aristocratic method of willing/believing…no, these were just “normal” people, living their lives…but their lives were absolute shit, of course. They’re slaves, so…go to a job you hate, work for people you hate, feel confused all the time, have nothing in your life to satisfy you/offer you escape outside of drugs, find solace in another human’s body heat, really…I mean, even snakes like warm rocks. [emphasis added by UFMLL hahaha] You eat shit food, you have a shit relationship where you rut like demented pigs, you go to sleep in sweat-stained reeking sheets like animals, you spend a quarter of your time in jail where you’re further abused by sadists who think some imaginary “law” enables them to be sociopaths, what is left? Alcohol and sleep. Something harder if you can afford it. Suicide if you can summon the courage…or the courage of a suitable despair, enough courage to overcome one’s programmed narcissism!

so he turned his despair into i guess a pretty powerful and dark insane album, he’s written many albums bla bla and is a very creative person, always pushing himself forward and not getting stuck in a rut. also i dont think he feels confused by his confusing programmer job because he has/had time to walk around at night, drink, make music, have relationships, etc.

but yeah good for him, and i certainly share his views, and his despair, but unlike him, i cant seem to break out of it.

he has a healthy life in other words despite entertaining some very unhealthy thoughts and dark music. it is actual effective catharsis for him.

also i am jelly cuz he has a good job which doesnt confuse him and he has had rels with gurls and has had secs hahahaha so he can think straight enough to read a lot.

see last i remember of him was in 2004ish when his webzine was ACTIVE. i knew nothing of his life since then. i am glad he is actually doing the music rather than writing abotu music, its a big step up, writing about music is awful, but he was one of the music writers i liked before i got sick of it all and said there were more important things in life, like being able to cope with life, get a decent job, have rels and connections with people, friends, women.

so yeah he does not seem to be a super depressive person because he likes to DO a lot and is a Hard Worker and is not LAZY and has decent relationships and a decent job so i will never relate.

well maybe he has a shitty relationship like the normal people he talks about there!

but yeah i dont understand why people STAY in shitty relationships rather than the person who’s Not Into It, just Dump the other person. Bitches never had ANY problem with dumping me. there was no sense of fear or desperation or clinginess chaining them to ME!

because that’s why people stay in shitty relationships, out of FEAR. because they can’t say that being alone, or being with someone else, with any certainty, would be any BETTER or not.

well bitches never had that fear or uncertainty with ME! (“probably because youre the type of misogynist who calls women bitches”) they had NO HESITATION about being DONE with me ASAP!

am i really that bad of a guy? that horrible of a person? i have had some good friends in my life who didnt think i was a Bad Horrible Person!

no, its just with women really. i’ve never been able to do anything that MATTERS with WOMEN.

well, our 2 year friendship mattered, didnt it?

well yes it mattered to ME. i am talking about Mutual Mattering. To her, she just threw it away like a Jizz Filled Used Rubber that women drunkenly, hedonistically take in their Babymaking Gateway from random randos, not a big deal, just spoiled food you throw away and forget about instantly, no emotional attachment whatsoever.

It bothers me how QUICKLY some people GET OVER things, its like it NEVER MATTERED AT ALL. you dont get over something/someone important INSTANTLY. you go through MONTHS AND YEARS OF PAIN.

well, maybe healthy secure normalfags only go through a few WEEKS of pain. maybe she felt a few

also maybe i am Imagining the Friendship to be Better than it really was, because i eventually Fell In Luv with her; but under the Objective Criteria of Platonic Friendships, it was Merely Average and not Super Great.

also i think the writer/musician/programmer/normalfag’s habitual drinking DID have an effect on his mental state, despite his DENIAL.

anyway i dont diss him too much, he is a good guy, i wouldnt turn him away if i met him, we could have a good talk about black metal, and then i would beg him for a job and beg him for his sloppy seconds on sloppy sluts!

and he would say break free from this subservient slave mentality, live life on your own terms, not begging on your knees like a slave, and i would say yeah i just cant seem to do that. being a damn desperate begging slave is really the best i can do.

i think holding down a gainful employment and having a long term rel with a wimmin mellows your mind and makes you more peaceful (cynics might say DOCILE or sheeplike or Asleep or Enslaveable) but i say PEACEFUL hahahaha i just want some Inner Peace lol, and doing those things, having a Halfway Decent JOb and Wimmin for a Decent Amount of Time, like a year at least, does help you get over Adolescent Angst, and I never have, wawawawawawawawawaw

but yeah she deserves to have haunting nightmares hahaha. you mean i meant NOTHING to you EVER? I KNOW i did.

but yeah we discussed how people can just have their Feelings Die. you like someone, then you DONT like them anymore.

i guess that has happened to me, like with the women, but it never happened QUICKLY. It always took a LONG time for the feelings to die. like years, not months. and not while i was “with” them, but after they had dumped me, and then my love slowly turned to hate and anger, which then slowly turned into a dead husk hahahaha. so really there are TWO transitions there.

right now i am in the luv to hate transition. that is never fun. well at least the second transition is a lot better. also the actual hate stage is never fun either.

heh. wish i could turn it into satisfying cathartic music. i am tortured enough to be a tortured musician but i could never make the music. they just do it to bang bitches hahahaha

well my autistic black metal normie above said in his writing days, “love the music, hate the musician” or something like that. which is pretty much exactly how i feel. they are either degenerates or normies. there has to be a third way hahahaha.

also thats why now i focus on the people FIRST and THEN the music. like this musician roman sayenko who is in a million metal bands, i like him because he doesnt seem like a degenerate OR a normie. but he doesnt give interviews, so its hard to tell. i just respect what i perceive as his integrity, and what i perceive as his Politically INcorrect Views.

yeah thats right. i am so immature and childish and insecure that i luv anything “POLITICALLY INCORRECT” hahahaha and when donald trump talks about not being “politically correct” i go beat off and suck him off.




started getting some horribly unhealthy, immoral, illegal thoughts last night regarding the pain and agony and suffering and anger and dissapointment and possibly hatred!

and i thought i was getting over it or at least starting to! whats the deal with these horrible thoughts! i mean they were terrible, the type of thing that makes you wonder, are you a bad evil person, even to THINK thoughts like this is evil! and then it shows even decent human beings, which i try to be, can be capable of great evil. well who knows if i would be CAPABLE of it. however it looks like i am capable of thinking of it!

the priest was talking about luv in his homily today, said that even though he was CELIBATE that he had known the pain of luv back in the day, hopefully not with a little boy hahahahaha.

anyway he said with luv, we never say “thats enough.” it flows from within eternally and ceaselessly like GODS love for us. we could not make GOD stop loving us. so if we decide that our love for a person has a limit, like we say, yep thats enough, i dont want to love them any more than this, or they say to us, thats enough, i dont want to be luved that much, then, according to the priest who has a PhD in Theology, and i would agree with him, that “that relationship is in jeopardy.”

basically i luved my female friend, she said THATS ENOUGH, and then our rel was in serious jeopardy.

it would have been much better “karma” to just talk about it though.

i mean she said NO to me in the WORST POSSIBLE WAY.

theres a good way and a bad way to reject a person. the good way is, its not you its me, its over now, im so sorry. the bad way is to just disappear without saying a word. well add that to the list of experiences.

so yeah i am angry at her because there are a MILLION better ways to reject someone, and she did the worst possible way.

also i am scared because as an MRA/MGTOW i am very cautious of women doing a 180 in the blink of an eye. one moment she is The Good Wife; the next she is gone, kidnapped your children, getting a No Fault Divorce, and taking Half Your Income for Life.

so as a good MRA, you look for Warning Signs and Tells and thoroughly vet the woman for signs of Personality Disorders, Mania, Borderline, Narcissism, Sociopath, Psychopath, Bipolar, etc.

and i did all that and she checked out and i TRUSTED her! she was one of the LEAST crazy women i had ever known!

and then to have her do a 180, do something i thought she would never think of doing to me, told me, i never knew her, my vetting process was wrong, i missed some kind of warning sign. OR MAYBE you cant even trust a woman that appears to be trustworthy.

i mean most women exclude themselves as trustworthy right off the bat. its not necessarily a bad thing, doesnt make them bad people, but makes them bad people to get into a rel with. like your dog is not a bad evil creature, but you wouldnt TRUST your dog not to eat a steak sitting out.

so i had no desire to get into a rel with most women cuz i could tell they couldnt be trusted. her, i was already in a KIND of rel with, i DID trust her, and then she drops a bomb on me like i am The Enemy.

when one person is begging the other please please please im sorry sorry sorry and they say GO AWAY!!!!

well she was obviously tired of my begging and constant apologizing.

heh i remember the time when i was actually saying sorry sorry sorry to her because we were having an awkward conversation at work, which i attributed to yet another stressful confusing day for me, and she said GO AWAY. LEAVE. that shocked me. that was a precursor to this.

i was hoping she would apologize for that. but of course i cam crawling back saying IM SORRY to make you mad at me. jeezum crow. and she never apologized. to her i was 100% at fault. i was the bad guy. i deserved this.

which is why i wanted her to talk to other people, they might give her a different perspective. OR they could just tell her he’s bad news, he doesnt deserve a conversation, he is a psycho weirdo, run away now.

so basically i was always apologizing and she was always angry at me. it was clear who held ALL the power. damn.

how could she be so heartless hahahaha what is that a kanye west song, what a degenerate.

and before that she was a kind and compassionate person. i didnt think she was capable of being so cold and heartless and really just BLIND to the situation. i didn’t think she was seeing it correctly. i wasnt trying to make her angry, i was trying to TALK to her.

i dunno i thought she would recognize her own role in this. i certainly did. i was apologizing more than i should have!!! but i certainly did have a role in it. but she was blameless and played no role. but i think she did. she could have met me halfway and said ok lets talk already. rather than avoiding communication. avoiding communication is her middle name.

so yeah i thought she was more Emotionally Mature than that. i mean shit i thought a person gains Emotional Maturity through the course of a 5 year relationship which she had with her first boifran. yet i never dated a gurl for more than 3 months and i have more Emotional Maturity than her!

honestly she seemed kinda RETARDED when it came to Relationships.

But arent MOST women, honestly?

of course they are!

I just thought she was DIFFERENT.

but yeah women are the ones who are always getting into Relationships, and have so many Emotions, you think they’d be better In Touch with their Emotions, with Relationships, Emotionally and Socially Intelligent. Well fook no, that’s INTELLIGENCE, that’s what MEN are and what women are absolutely NOT. Men are many times more Emotionally and Socially INTELLIGENT than women, even if women are more emotional and social than men. doesnt mean they are smart or mature about it. thats why there is always social and emotional DRAMA with women. they cant HANDLE the shit.

i wanted to HANDLE it like a mature adult. of COURSE she couldnt HANDLE handling it like that.

ok maybe not ALL women are like that, but i thought she was one of those women who was not like that! and she turned out to be just as stupid and ridiculous and awful and shitty as every other shitty woman i’ve met!

its just stupid when they get into relationships, even super long term relationships, when they are not CAPABLE of doing so. they make the man do all the damn WORK and take all the damn responsibility. always a one way street with these bitches. that’s not an actual relationship! its master and slave bullshit! or maybe more like parent and baby. well that was the warning sign, she did not have a good rel with her father. i was just happy that did not make her a huge slut. i was so happy she was not a huge slut, i did not think there were any other ways for her to be horribly disappointing. i was wrong as always hahahahaha.

i think she would have tried to communicate if she were also in luv with me. she didnt make the guys she was in actual rels with do ALL the heavy lifting. oh she PRESENTED herself to THEM!

but i committed the CARDINAL SIN of breaking out of the rigid box she had put me in. i just just supposed to be the platonic friend, and when i stopped being that, i was the bad guy, and didnt deserve to be treated like a human, didnt deserve to be communicated with.

she didnt HAVE to react that way. she could have chose to communicate. she could have chose to realize that people change. she could have accepted my many invitations to talk about the tension that we BOTH noticed.

but yeah she USED to have sympathy/empathy for me and have some sort of regard for me. she cared about me somewhat. then she didnt care for me at all.

imagine if you are with your wife and you are just as in luv with her as ever, but she is bored with you and more interested in other guys cuz she just fell OUT of luv with you. its nobodys FAULT, its nothing you DID.

you think was it because i was BORING? because she didnt KNOW any other guys, and when she started meeting other guys, she reailzed how BORING i was?

like yep, nothing you could have done except be a more exciting, secsy person, to keep me from falling OUT of luv with you!

well, she never was IN luv with me. but she was at least friendly and nice and warm to me, and to have that disappear was painful. now i was no longer interesting and neat and fun, and other guys were. yet i hadnt really changed. well i guess i had. i was super stressed out by the ridiculous job, jealous of her because she wasnt as stressed out, and because she was nicer to other guys than to me. but thats her right. to stop liking me and start liking other people more. well what these feminist faggots dont realize is, this is very very painful to watch.

wah wah wah i was not treated fairly.

so i want HER to know that i feel i was not treated fairly? to communicate to her unequivocally “you wronged me?” or at least “i feel you did not treat me fairly?”

well i kinda said that, in a nicer way, in email4. bbbbut that was never read!

yeah i kinda DID/DO want to tell her i dont think you treated me fairly, show me some god damn respect please.

of course im not gonna do anything stupid after she has made her feelings clear!

but yeah people have been DOING EACH OTHER WRONG FOREVER. Its nothing NEW. its INEVITABLE. I just hadnt been done this wrong in a long, long, long time, and it was fooking DEVASTATING.

EVERYBODY GETS TREATED UNFAIRLY. and most times the person doing the unfair treatment never comes back and apologizes.

i am angry at her, and she is angry at me. we are both convinced that the other is More At Fault.

i apologized a million times. i apologized basically every time i saw her. i was open and willing and desperate and warm.

she apologized i dunno maybe once and not convincingly. she was closed and unwilling and cold.

having a back and forth conversation would be more FAIR i think.

i would say, “i dont think its FAIRIRIRIRIRIRIR wahahahahawahawhwwhwhhawaawaawwaw”

and she would say, YOUR the one being UNFAIR always being WEIRD to me and wanting to HANG OUT when i clearly dont want to, any normal person would back off, would stay away, but not you, you just kept being pushy and weird in an annoying weak wimpy way.

and i would say yeah i should have just blurted it out, but i feel you are dissing the importance and meaning of our past friendship

and she would say well YOU threw it all away once you started acting weird, it was over then

and i would say well i didnt REALIZE it was over, i was TRYING to FIX IT

and she would say, it couldnt BE fixed, couldnt you realize THAT

and i would say, well i thought you might want to fix it, i wanted to fix it, this is what adults do when they have a problem, they talk about it, even argue about it

and then we would have a big argument and i would feel RIGHTEOUS in hating her and in KNOWING that she was in the wrong and i was right!

but instead im having that simulated conversation in my imagination, long after the fact, and i will never know what she “would have” said.

i would say ok its fine if you dont like me back. but lets handle this like adults. or even mature teenagers. or people that dont want to hate each other in the future. this can be handled better. how would dr phil handle this. how would jeff van vonderen handle this.

we would each Say Our Piece/Peace, respond to each other, and then Agree To Disagree.



so yeah i like music but i hate musicians because i envy their creativity, and disapprove of their degeneracy, or their success with life or women. i have to find a musician person that i like, and that is not easy. and it is hard to envy creativity, but also like the output of that creativity. i mean there are plenty of mediocre musicians who make boring music! what sad lives they must lead hahahahaa.

i guess they would be more likely to be degenerate normalfags fooking like animals right.

hard to find a person to relate to, making music that i can relate to!

really the most fun music to listen to, the most immediately rewarding and comforting, is classical and jazz. i guess oldies too. all the above talk is basically about contemporary music. metal and alternative hahahahaha. i guess mozart was a degenerate but who cares. and most jazz musicians definitely. dirty cheaters and degenerates.

the woman who i luved who broke muh heart is becoming a degenerate and there is nothing i can do about it! and she wants to erase me from her life. like i never existed. so i should want to return the favor no? but i dont want to! i cant believe she ended it like that!


I agree that it had to end, but at least give me a Seat At The Table! at least let us end it mutually! lets meet and say yep this has got to end, its not you its me, its over, sorry for the pain, have a good life.

and if not meeting, at least do it over phone or internet! although any mature adult would agree that In Person is the best way.

just like in person is the best way to Express New Feelings, and that i was not in the wrong for wanting to meet in person. i was wrong for not blurting shit out when she refused to meet though.

or better yet, i could have given HER the cold shoulder when it was clear she wanted to push me away. like in january i could have just gave HER the ghost treatment. it probably wouldnt have drove her crazy. or maybe it would make her luv me, hahahahaha.

but i was too deep in luv to be able to do that.  i was too desperate to communicate, which is a form of spending time with someone. i mean it really is.

unless youre texting them and if youre LUCKY they can tear themselves away from their 90000000 friends and lovers to text you back. hahahahaha.

but yeah the time is def helping me get over it SOME. i might be up to 10% Over It by now!. 10% in about 6 weeks, so 100% in 60 weeks. a little over a year. NOT BAD!

i was at my job late last year, kinda felt as confident as i ever would, had a reputation as being smart and helpful and everyone liked me. especially the new people around me, because i would actually help them. and because at our job everybody gets confused all day, they need lots of help, and i was willing to do it, unlike my female former friend was willing to give to me. she would not give me help or moral support, and would not TAKE it when i was wanting to GIVE it to her! my help and moral support was not good enough for her!

but i NEEDED more help and moral support too. but i gave it out well to the people around me.

funny. female friend used to be the person there i got along with BEST because we were friends before we went there. she helped me get the job and we both started and the same time and supported each other then. but that faded over time. in the end she didnt support me at all, she didnt want any support from me, and i gave and got support, and got along with, EVERYBODY ELSE, better than with her.

I got along with her WORSE than i did with everybody else. that was a change. because i used to get along with her better.

so that was painful.

anyway, in november or december they started bringing in the new people and torturing them, much like i had been a year previous.

i had a young cute gurl training with me. she was VERY talkative and she took an immediate liking to me. she was also young and cute. but also almost too petite and skinny for me. she was tiny and frail. i like gurls with long tall legs and more meat on their bones. also by then i was in thrall to the female friend. this girl spending time with me didnt seem to make her jealous unfortuantely. certainly i would be a bit jealous if she were training a handsome young man! i dont think she trained anybody because she gives an air of coldness and unapproachability and none of the new people approached her to be trained. while i was MR FRIENDLY. I’ll train anybody! and indeed i kinda liked it, and was kinda GOOD at it.

anyway the gurl i was training was young and cute and in hindsight i should have banged her hahahahaha. no she was objectively cute enough to make the average gurl jealous. she was tiny and skinny, but not stumpy, just very petite and delicate, the kind of gurl you “tear in half” hahahahaha. some guys like that. it just didnt matter to me though.

also she was crazy and hyper and talked about how she had a nanny job with some richers but she had to leave because the husband was in love with her. also she had a boifran she lived with.

anyway she started working and funny enough sat real close to my former friend. at least one night i stayed late helping the new girl. i would ALWAYS stay late talking to people and helping people. i think this endeared me to the management, showed initiative and dedication, that i lived for the job. made a great impression. i always came in early and stayed late, at least 15 minutes on EACH, EVERY DAY.

many people come in right at their starting time. the female former friend is one of them. i viewed myself as a much better worker who did a much better job than she did. she gave shitty service and took the easy way out every time. i really tried to do some good and fix shit and help people. i came in early and stayed late eery day. she never ever did.

anyway point of the story is that new gurl left after like a week in a manner somewhat similar to my own, saying something about doctor bla bla bla, however i hope to be back some day.  however it was obvious she was overwhlemed by the OBVIOUSLY OVERWHELMING JOB.

anyway actual point is, i was talking like a cheerful normalfag doing small talk with my friendly neighbor workers who appreciated me and were friendly to me, UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE, who knew more about that new gurl’s personal life, and they said that the gurl and her boifran were big into Pain Pills or some kind of prescription pills, probably Pain Pills. they had Posh Middle Class families but were now getting Cut Off and had to Work For a Living.

the combination of the job sucking so bad as it truly does, and her being on/off pills, pushed her to quit, feeling like she was in over her head. i know that feel! i was pushed and felt in over my head when i had to deal with the fallout of muh dead long term relationship hehehehe and friend giving me the cold shoulder, while i struggled to do complicated shit Under Pressure.

so i said, thats sad, hopefully they get off the pills and or maybe find a less ridiculous job. so sad to see young kids in the prime of life on drugs like that, and i aint talkin abotu the wacky tabacky!

what was the point of that. well several

  1. i was so in luv with the woman that i didnt care about this pretty young gurl giving ME attention
  2. that pretty young gurl was also cray cray and i think i did realize that, so that was smart of me
  3. me spending time with this pretty young gurl did not make my female friend jealous so that means she REALLY wasnt into me
  4. the job was SUPER overwhelming and if you had any kind of anxiety issues you would be super overwhelmed and have to quit, like her mind being addled by drugs, or my mind being addled by the former friend being there and denying my human existence hahahahaha
  5. dont do drugs.



saturday, can barely move, not great. just utterly dead. benadryl last night, hopefully can sleep tonight, no weird shit. just feel like the life is over. i did great in high skool, i did ok in college but not good enough to start a career, not good enough to hold down a 15DAHJ. never did well enough to hold a Wimmin’s Interest.

in a transition phase now, which i guess is good. now it sorta feels like i never knew her, that she was almost just a dream or a memory who NEVER REALLY EXISTED. it is weird. especially cause i know she existed in my life for almost 3 damn years.

so she wants to treat me like i never existed. that kinda hurts. i am starting to get that feeling that she never existed to me. but she DID exist. and I DID exist for her! god damn i never had anything end this bad before. at least when bitches dumped me, i could hate them and be mad at them.

well i guess i can still do that here hahaha. your luv turns to hate.

but that process is painful too, and its not really so fun to hate either. i would rather that things were ended in a way without hate.

IMHO it should involve a penalty fee from the dumper to the dumped, minimum $1000. just so the dumper can put some skin in the game and feel a fraction of the pain the dumpee is feeling.

also it should involve at least 20 secs sessions, like when you know you have a prescription ending, and you cant get it refilled, and thus you make the last 30 pills last as long as possible.

and just as much, it should involve a series of long conversations. hours of conversations, in which each person can say everything they want to each other. you dont really need to hear the exact reasons you were dumped, like youre a loser, or youre not masculine enough, or youre not secsy enough, or she wants a real man, or youre not successful enough, and you smell bad, and you’re annoying, and unlovable, and the worst person ever, and she hates you, etc. you are a horrible undateable person who is a sociopath and horrible at relationships, you dont know how to commuincate, you are pushy, you are weird, you are a narcissist, you are the bad guy, its 100% your fault, etc.

that conversation might not be so productive.

thats why the Best Break Up says

  1. its not your fault, its mine; its not YOU, its ME; people have been saying this for thousands of years because its the best, most polite thing to say
  2. and emphasize that its OVER. it cant go on. we are never ever ever getting back together. im sorry but thats the truth. lets both move on. this is the definite, unambiguous end. im sorry, its not you its me, and it is 100% OVER forever. dont get any fantasies of false hope that i will change my mind and we will get back together someday.
  3. you are a good person and i respect you as a human being, but we cant go out. and thats on me not you.  this affirms their humanity. i am not rejecting you as a human being. you are a decent human being. but we just cannot date because its my fault. because i dont feel the way you do.

those are the main points. thats not a lot. it all fits on one screen. it wont take 8 hours of conversation. shit you can do that in 1 hour. 1 hour of conversation can prevent a lot of pain that would happen where there is NO communication. Ghosting, Ignoring, Avoiding.

oh sure it will still be painful but a Totes Ghosting is even MORE painful. just excruciating pain.

I watched this ridiculous movie “unbroken” about an american who got bretty unlucky in ww2. it was like Job with his ridiculous trials and trbiulations. went to the olympics and then he went to war. got plane shot, crash landed on island. they gave him new plane. that plane was shitty and crashed in the middle of the ocean. him and 2 other guys sat out there on a raft for at least 46 days or so. sharks swimming around, eating raw fish and sharks and drinking god knows what. rainwater. one guy just died. at least one plane flew by and did not see their flares. a second plane did, but it shot at them, shooting holes in their rubber rafts. they managed to patch up and reinflate the raft, prob saved their lives of the 2 remaining guys. then after like 50 days on the raft they get picked up by motherfookin tojos. japs hahahaha. they go to one pow camp for a while. then they go to another and are separated. he is chosen to be a model prisoner and live poshly in tokyo, in exchange for reading anti american things on the radio. he refuses because he likes fighting wars for zionists hahahahahaha. he returns to the camp, gets beaten regularly. but its prob better than being at sea. near the end of the war they go to a worse camp, more of a labor camp where they do shit with coal but did not go into any mines. but it still looked sucky. finally the war ended and he went home and eventually forgave his japanese captors.

anyway point is, he was facing some real hard times and his will could not be broken. this guy had way tuffer times than me! and he persisted.

anyway it was a cheesy movie and directed by that pig whore angelina jolie but it was moderately entertaining and sentimental in a good way, had a good message, never give up when the going gets tough. i like something like that right now.

i spent the day sitting around doing nothing, reading about the black metal groups xasthur, leviathan, nachtmystium, judas iscariot, striborg, krieg. it is kewl to hate nachtmystium because blake judd is a scumbag degenerate normalfag nonvirgin heroin addict.  i like xasthur because he seems like a REAL outsider, someone who has REALLY been to the abyss, and might be a virgin. i dont like musicians because women like them and they have degenerate secs and are nonvirgins and just big babies. also i am jealous of their ability to Channel Their Pain into Creative Art. what pain, they are banging young gurls and doing heron hahahaha.

so i like xasthur because he is always crabby and grumpy and unhappy and hateful and has a nice virgin vibe. now he does dark folk or some shit, but he has reclaimed the name xasthur and played his first show in his 15 year existence at a hippy pagan forest gathering. i thought that was pretty cool. i hope he had a good time and got laid. not a good place to find a wife though.

leviathan. i do like him, he is quite talented. but he seems kinda degenerate and i dont like tattoos. but he is a good musician, artist. and a few years ago i was very interested in his False Rape Accusation, where he was falsely accused of rape and abuse and beating by some bitch and then made an album about it, which i should listen to hahahaha. and then the PC police called him a misogynist because he was obsessed about a woman and wrote an album about her being a “whore”, and made references to the female genitalia being symbolic of a deadly trap.

i echoed a more reasonable commenter, who said that if some woman did what she did to him, calling her a traitor and a whore is pretty light. and hes not a woman hater because he’s not talking about ALL vaginas, just this one individual traitor whore.

however he comes across as a hateful brute who might do something like that to a woman. i mean he looks really scary and creepy, he looks like a woman beater hahahaha.

then he rebuilt his life and moved on and started a more healthy relationship and recently had a Baby and now him and his gurlfran and his his Babby are posting on INSTAGRAM all the time and everybody saying o how cute, the cute little baby with tattooed freaks for parents.

basically the type of people whose entire bodies are covered with weird tattoos, including “extreme” places like the face, the palm of the hand, the front of the neck.

and the PC police came back out because he appeared on a magazine cover holding his baby. and people called him a sell out. while othres say oh thats right just forget that he raped a woman. even though all the charges were dropped, well the heaviest rape charges, and he was found not guilty of the other ones. well he did get 2 years of probation for 1 charge. anyway point is, he didnt really rape the woman, and she was probably a crazy drug addict tattoo freak who had been in pornos and abandoned by her father and borderline psycho etc.

i dont like the whole “tattoo lifestyle” but i do appreciate his music, and i dont think he should be hated on for being a Proud Papa. and i hope he lives a healthy life and takes care of his Babby and that his Babbymama doesnt go cray on him like that other woman. just because they have a babby with you doesnt mean they wont! plus i dont trust these tattoo gurls. also i dont think tattoos are secsy at all. leviathan OBVIOUSLY disagrees! and that is his first amendment right, whcih i fulyl support.

But I would like to see xasthur meet a decent not cray woman and have a babby too hahahaha. he is more my style because he seems more anxious and socially awkward and could not get a woman and does not have tattoos. but this could all be fantasy on my part. i mean i am sure he has had secs with more gurls than me. but who knows about his relationship record. he might be like me and still trying to break the 3 month mark hahahahaha. i know that feel bro.

also i wonder how he makes money. whats his job. i know he is always selling and distributing t shirts and cds and records and tapes and shit but how can you make money on that.

on the other hand, i cant see him as a waiter or a Call Agent hahahahahaha.

maybe he’s one of those musicians who has a Successful STEM career like that one guy from converge who made a shitload of money in his biotech job. or the norwegian girl in that doom band at age 18,  is now a biotech PhD. all these musicians have PhDs and actually make money with them. way to be SUCCESSFUL FAG. today i learned that attila from mayhem etc has a degree in electrical engineering and i was a little disappointed because THAT is a smart successfag degree to get which will guarantee you a good job. well does he actually work in the field or is he just in 100000 bands. he also has 2 kids.

i dont care about the music anymore, just the musicians personal lives. and if i approve of their personal lives, then i might give their music a chance.

i also have no desire to listen to their music, just like music made by degenerate hedonists.

well i do like jazz and they are degenerates.

basically the main music i want to explore is classical, jazz, and super depressive black metal, and stuff from my past, and stuff related to my past that i didnt listen to then. or stuff where i have a sense of the person creating the music. which is why i prefer smaller bands or one person projects or where its obviously the vision of one person and they have Session Musicians.

or if they just had shitloads of integrity, or never do interviews or pictures or shows, or have right wing ideologies.

of COURSE i am a big fan of varg vikernes, his young wife, and his five children! although i dont really listen to his new music. and would at least prefer if he used Real INstruments rather than his keyboard, even though it still sounds pretty good. i want him to put his family first though. actually i would like to see him become a Public Politician too. HE has Good Traditional Family Values and is far from a degenerate!


today i expected to be a horrible day cuz its womans birthday and i was looking forward to it being a special day, i would take her to a nice dinner and get her a nice gift and write her a nice message, didn’t have to be on her birthday of course, she could use that day to go out to the bar and fook more exciting fun guys, but near the birthday hahahaha. i mean you dont own the person, they dont have to hang out with YOU on your birthday because maybe youre boring.

I was watching this ridiculous british show called “doc martin” and it was kind of a sign from GOD. I had heard of the show but never watched it till now, when i turned on PBS in the middle of an episode.


he is a doctor who was called up to a farm to examine a pig i guess, despite him not being a veterinarian, he was the best they could get on short notice or something. he was clearly not a fan of examining the pig, who had problems with its bowels/rectum. he cringingly lifted the pigs tail to examine its rear end and said “this pig appears to have a prolapsed rectum”.

farmer: can you pop it back in?

doc martin sighed distastefully and said “i’ll need some vaseline or ky jelly.”

quick cut to another scene. i said this is my kind of british humour!

they come back a few minutes later. the farmer asks “what is the most important question a man can ask about his wife to be before he gets married?”

doc martin is exasperated and responds “sir, i have my finger in your pig’s anus.”

eventually doc, who is himself getting married soon, says a big question you need to ask is “does she make me happy”?

the farmer says, very very close, but an even better question is to ask “do I make HER happy?”

and then doc gets cold feet and doesnt marry the woman and she walks away because they dont really make each other happy or something.

i thought this was a very interesting way of phrasing the question “do i really luv her?” and phrasing it as a more selfish thing. which it IS kinda selfish, and that’s not BAD. but if you really luv her, then she damn well makes you very happy. and for me that was the number one criterion. why marry someone who doesnt make you happy.

but maybe its good enough to just make someone else happy. and maybe doing that will make you happy in a few years hahahaha.

anyway i could not help but apply that to my own situation: she made me very very very happy, that no one else would make me happier.

but it didnt work out because i didnt make her happy. far from it! during the end i made her very very unhappy because she didnt WANT me to have feelings for her!

but yeah my initial reaction to Most Women is, nope she could never make me happy.

but it probably does take TIME to BUILD up that sense. it took me two years to fully understand that my female former friend would make me happy. before that, i thought, i dunno, maybe, not really, it would be weird and i would def want to date other gurls too.

of course that changed! then one day boom i discovered she would make me very happy, and i would not need to date other gurls. just her.

heh i blame her scumbag short term boifran. him swooping in and out made me think of her in a totally new light. if he can, WHY NOT ME? i am way cooler than him, and i would not cheat on her!

but he made her a lot happier than i did, because she had Feelings for him.

so really your feelings/luv determines how happy “they make you.”

they dont even really need to DO anything. they can be acting like a huge cold bitch and still just being with them would make you happy.

when you listen to retarded love songs and van morrison songs like “into the mystic” and “tupelo honey”, who do you think of. is it the gurl you’re with, or someone else? this i think is another good test.

always pick the gurl than van morrison makes you think of.

if you are with the wrong girl, and think of van morrison, and then think NO this is totally WRONG, this is not the van morrison gurl, then GTFO.

a lot of people appreciate van morrisons obvious talent in speaking the Universal Language Of Luv. he is very good at it.

Van Morrison Feelings.

Now two people can both understand Van Morrison, and one person has Van Morrison Feelings for the other, but THAT person has Van Morrison Feelings for someone else altogether!!!!!!!!

that is kinda what i ran into here. well i am not sure she has Van Morrison Feelings for anyone, perhaps the short term boifran who broke her heart, think she is having trouble getting over him.

just like i am having trouble getting over her!

shit i bet if she worked with HIM she would quit her job too!

i am writing my “interview story” of everything i can say abotu my former job, in an interview, to prove that i am smart and skillful. it is turning into a goddam book already. how can i remember all this.

**********so yeah anyway the definition of true love is, do THEY make ME happy. who cares if you make THEM happy! if you dont make THEM happy, they’ll just dump you, you’ll be heartbroken, and maybe you’ll fall in luv again in a few years, maybe not, maybe you’ll never get over it.

I HAVE MY FINGER IN YOUR PIG’S ANUS.  SIR, MY FINGER IS IN YOUR PIGS ANUS. i had not laughed that hard in a long time, and it was a sign from GOD that i should watch more of this “doc martin” show.  i usually prefer police /murder / mystery shows to doctor shows, but i liked the actor and the character here, and it took place in the English Countryside, which is always a HUGE plus. i’m not sure how many mysteries or murders there are. also the show seems Funnier than what i am used to. but i appreciated that very much.

my two big shows right now are “foyles war” and “midsomer murders”. FW is not really funny at all, a couple of dry jokes sprinkled in, very light comic relief. MM has much more comic relief.

as i write my Goddam Book about my Job Experience, i TRY to spin it positively of course. of COURSE i could write a book on the negative aspects, but you HAVE to spin it ALL positive in order to get another job ever.

but the main theme is, CONFUSION. We dealt in confusion all day erryday at my job. that WAS our job: to make sense out of confusion. to help confused people. and often become confused ourselves. so how do you help a confused person when they are confusing you yourself? you bullshit them with a confident tone. but i cant say THAT in an interview. I can talk about the importance of remaining calm and confident sure. i can even say we got confused sometimes. i describe a “CUBE OF CONFUSION” that results from our Purview being both very BROAD, and then very DEEP. it was a Big Cube. or as wide and deep as the ocean.

CONFUSION is inherently stressful. and to deal with confusion ALL DAY for your JOB is the worst. always ask at interviews, how much CONFUSION is present in this job.

In my previous job, there was very little confusion. in this job, there was CONSTANT, INTENSE confusion on huge, intimidating, confusing issues. experienced people got confused. because there was JUST SO MUCH. an OCEAN. a GALAXY. a UNIVERSE of CONFUSION.

tempted to play “land of confusion” song but this was MUCHHHHHH bigger than a mere land son.

the confusion will never go away. its how you DEAL with it.

i really did come a long way and do some amazing things at my horrible job, as i write about it in my Interview File. just got a phd of knowledge in just 1 year. it builds confidence knowing i could achieve and learn all that. i came a real long way. it is amazing that i was capable of that. it was the biggest achievement in my life, much more than going to college for a dumb degree, or banging some dumb sluts. but learning all these 100000000000000000000000000000000000000000 confusing things. it was a like a STEM phd worth of complicated, confusing information.

and i did it. and now i have to LEAVE because of a WOMAN. so disappointing. i wish SHE had left! althoguh she needs the job more than me, her safety net is way worse.

but i almost want to go back out of spite, like I WONT LET HER RUIN THIS FOR ME!!!!!!

but i know i would be angry to see her, and for us not to get along, and to watch her get along famously and make new friends and be happier with other people than she ever was with me. that would eat me alive.

also she was a lot dumber than me and she did the job well. you didnt need to be smart to do the job. you just needed to be CALM and not get FLUSTERED and just do stuff QUICKLY, even if it didnt work. and she was a LOT better at those things than i was.

i want her to come to her senses and damn contact me already, but she wont.

she could think, he is giving up a LOT here, i dont want him to do that, maybe we can have a talk so we can get along on the job at least.

NOPE. she showed no interest in that.

the “good” news is that i am getting beyond the point where i want to contact her over and over and over and over again, begging and pleading and please respond. it is BEYOND OBVIOUS that the ball is in her court and that its her turn to respond.

what is the most important thing you shoudl ask yourself about the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with?


went to a restaurant and thought damn this shit is complicated too. if i were a cook i would be a horrible cook. if i were a server i would be a horrible server. look at this menu. how do they remember all this. how do they remember the prices. if i add this to that dish it costs 1.49 extra. how do i remember what goes into this dish. the customers are going to ask stupid questions about the dishes and then the server has to ask the cook. then it got busy and there was line of customers waiting for tables to open up.

i would not want to work in a restaurant any sooner than a damn tech support call center where Chaos Reigns.

well then i could Creep On the Beautiful 17 year old Hostess Gurl hahahahaha and make minimum wage.

its HARD to do unskilled labor!

its HARD to do jobs where you are faced with CONFUSION all day!

when you survive to the end of another day, you are exhausted as well as worried if you are going to be able to last another day.

it is amazing i lasted as long as i did in that job. god damn it is so weird to be done with everything.

is this really “unfinished business”? well to me it kinda feels like it, to her it is finished as fook. i still cant believe it happened. i will probably never believe it happened.

its unfinished but i dont really feel like contacting her again. i mean who knows. i mean i will still want her back for like a year. and until i stop wanting her back, i wont be fully over it. it takes a long, horrible time.

took a benedryl and will prob lay down soon.

hope that does not cause me to sleep shitty tomorrow night.

just trying to get thru her damn birthday where she is out getting fooked and happy as hell that she is rid of me.

bbbbbut I thought we had something!

i thought I KNEW you!

nope and nope.

but i really did think we had something, and i really did think i knew her!

well we DID have something, we dont anymore.

i DID know her, but she did something i didnt expect, and now i dont know her anymore.

yeah its the TRANSITION that hurts. its not like the WHOLE THING was a fantasy. there actually WAS something good. and then it ended. so the Romance was all in my head, but the Good Times of Friendship were not.

but yeah we went thru a lot, she was a big part of my life, she was the whole reason i was working that job, so yeah its not a stretch to say she CHANGED MY LIFE in a big way. and it just makes no sense that she would have NOTHING to say to me. i guess i am not so surprised that it would someday end, but i really did not think it would end THIS WAY.

i figured it could possibly end by of us getting feelings. and its sure not surprising that i was that person! but i am surprised there was no discussion, no conversation, no talk, no communication. even those shitty women who i Never Really Knew were decent enough to communicate The Official End to me.

its not even really a matter of decency. technically she is a decent person (DONT DEFEND HER!!!!) she just did a horrible thing to me, but out of cowardice and fear, not out of hate or disrespect.  but does her intent really make a difference at this point?

well kind of since i would prefer that she Not Hate me. it is not a HUGE comfort though. the end result is still basically the same: me horribly heartbroken for a long time, and trying to rebuild my damn life.

but yeah i thought she might contact me to try to convince me to come back to our job, since i am throwing away a lot of money. (when she should be paying me $1000 for a Dumping/Heartbreak/Rejection FEE hahahahaha.) instead its me throwing away alot more money than that, and her showing no remorse whatsoever.

maybe remorse is not the right word, but just sympathy or empathy for my pain, to say that she is sorry i am in pain. even if she didnt directly CAUSE the pain because you never INTEND to cause someone pain because you cant CHOOSE who you like or dont like. but the pain is an INEVITABLE consequence.

but uhhhh intended or not, its still the CAUSE.

you didnt intend to cause it tho.

but you knew it WOULD cause it inevitably.

see this is super high level thought which she was really not capable of. at least not with me.

i shouldnt even be capable of it right now! i should be hating her more for being so shitty to me!

i am kinda getting there. slowly getting more and more angry.

but i dont think it will grow and grow and grow to a boiling point like my luv did.

i think it will just culminate in me being cold and disgusted by her, like she was by me, and just want to stay away from her forever.



yeah i mean if i can get employed again i will think more seriously about getting hookers. i fooking HATE strip clubs, i hate them. my friend always wants to go and i never want to go. i would much rather just pay a damn hooker. i would tell her to ease into it, and to be really NICE, maybe not to look at me hahaha dont u fookin look at me.

i have always strived for perfection because i have always had trouble with jobs and women and i am convinced you need to be PERFECT to get them. otherwise you always get rejected before getting the job/gurl. rejected during the interview process. just wasnt good enough.

yet companies hire people that arent perfect, and women select men that are FARRRRRR from perfect.

you already know the answer, what you need is a large amount of confidence!

i wonder if its easier to become a degenerate when you are lonely and dont know any women. probably. then its harder to view women as human beings, cuz all you see are the women in pornos acting like degenerate animals. this is why having female friends is always a benefit. it makes you more confident around women so you can bang the women you want, hahahaha. or to have the rels you want with the women you want. or just to view women as Human Beings and not soulless, degenerate, disgusting, animals, sociopaths, cvm dumpsters. just human beings worthy of respect.

unless all the women you know are disgusting dumb degenerates not worthy of respect. its possible. thats why some decent women choose not to have female friends, cuz women are too much drama.

then they just have a bunch of guy friends and that’s not a great scenario EITHER. either they are stringing along beta orbiters, or getting promiscuous with a bunch of fook buddies. either situation leads to degeneracy.


6 month rule. women should not be having secs before knowing a guy 6 months, before getting to know him, dating him exclusively, ideally exchanging the mutual “i luv u’s”, and then really TEST him, before spreading.

but in todays sick sad world, women meet and fook and briefly pseudodate and dump a guy all within 6 months,  and no one really gets to know one another, and as the process is repeated, people become uglier and less worth knowing!

hehehe getting into my woman-hating, humanity-hating phase now.

slept terribly last night. woke up at 4 am and that was about it. felt like a total failure at life, couldnt handle life, mind was racing manically, it was a bit scary. im not sure if i just had too much caffeine or WHAT. it was pretty bad. i was anticipating a bad day on friday because its gurls birthday and she will prob go out and have fun and get fooked by her friends and boifrans and make new frans and laugh and connect with people and get charming my charming magicians slinging bullshit, suck dicks and drink jzz, no big deal, just a fun casual thing you do during your twenties.

one of the things that brought us together back in the day is we were both shy and didnt really want to go out and meet new people or go out partying and drinking. she may be changing that now!

but yeah it was a terrible night of sleep, feel like garbage now. was expecting a bad day on fri but to get one right off the bat on thursday is not cool. maybe fri will even be better!

i dunno i was just not expecting to wake up and get that 4 am manic dread. mind racing. i dont know if its mania or what. shit i could have bipolar. is it MANIA or just ANXIETY?

i think it was probably just anxiety and maybe caffeine. i drank a lot of strong tea yesterday because i was like ohh yeah tea is great, it doesnt irritate my bowels.

or maybe it was i took a benadryl the night before, and slept ok then, so this was the blowback? this is why i take benadryl only once every 3 days.

basically i am experiencing the reality of shit that started last year, ten months ago, when our friendship started dying. i was desperate to fix it, but she wasnt. and at that moment it died, i hadnt really known it had died, but it dead. and now that much is obvious, unequivocal to me as well as her. i have a knowledge i did not have before. its over. it was over 10/11 months ago.

sure i deserved to be treated better. but life isnt fair! deal with it.

i dont really hate people. i went out to play trivia yesterday and sat at a table with 5 other people and they are all decent human beings. even the 1 woman hahahaha. we talk to people from other trivia teams and they are all decent people. there are decent people everywhere. even the single mom waitress with tattoos and fatherless children, she is a decent person just trying to support her child and working a horrible job to do so. i wish i could leave her a bigger tip! being a waitress in a kinda busy bar/grill is even worse than working in a fast paced Tech Support Call Center! and she 90% sure makes less!

i guess there was less ambiguity with the other women. we had a talk where they basically said ITS OVER. now i didnt truly accept that, and tried to “win them back” of course, and with w2 and 3 was able to manipulate them into making out with me again, briefly, got hopes up, i took that as a mixed signal, i didnt want to believe i was manipulating them, and they were doing this because they really wanted to, but you know how women can be manipulated into ANYTHING short term. secs, having babies, getting tattoos, doing things with long term consequences with no thought, etc.

well here the silence and no response is my unambiguous response!

but it might be 1% to have them say its over?

its definitely better to have them say SOMETHING rather than avoid you entirely. its not an explanation why, because nobody wants to hear “i dumped you because youre an insecure loser failure at life and not attractive and fat old and pathetic,” dont need to hear that “its not you its me” is JUST FINE, but something about the human decency of being told that its over, rather than just being avoided, abandoned, ghosted. that is a whole new WORLD of pain which i never knew before!

it just sucks because i was closer to the woman than i was to the women i actually “dated.” them, i met them, Wooed them, banged them or had some sensual physical stuff, enjoyed a few weeks of “honeymoon” period of dating, then it ended because they didnt want a serious rel like i did. all in the course of 3 months, beginning middle end.  and her i knew her for almost 3 YEARS total, and things were good between us for 2 years, where we built up actual knowing each other, and trust. none of these things did i have with gurls i “dated” in a more “conventional” way, i.e., made out with them for hours or banged them.

i have had some decent female friends but we drifted apart fairly naturally with no hard feelings. not like what happened here! plus the two years was a pretty long time, is close to Longest Friendship With A Woman Ever.

so when i call it A Long Term Relationship, that is no fooking lie. ending in the worst, most hurtful way possible.

i did a 3.2 mile walkjog, responded to an email from a male Work Acquaintance, different guy than my Mancrush Special Connection Male Friend, not as much of a gay connection with this guy, but we got along well, and I accepted him for his Autistic Self, which some people, especially women, have trouble Accepting The Autism.

he was a real smart guy and did not get the respect he deserved IMHO, so i tried to make up that deficit. i told him i resigned and that i had a “long term relationship with a coworker than ended badly and left me devastated” which is all very true. did not name names or even use pronouns. for all he knows it is a damn man. i trust him somewhat but not sure if i trust him enough to say Who It Is to him. besides its like 80% men 20% women at this point, not a lot of possible women to choose from. he did not come back though but got a new job, good for him. i know it is in tech support, but hopefully it is better than where we were. he said he was busy, but he’s always busy, he had 3 jobs and worked like 80 hours a week. he was not a sensitive shy autist in other words. he TCB.

but yeah thats why this is the worst heartbreak ever, it is such a perfect shitstorm:

  1. first time i ever got feelings for a female friend
  2. i was friends with her for a long time, possibly the longest of any woman ever for me

and thats why. it was a srs relationship and i had srsly deep feels. no joke. if it was just some slutty bitch that i had a whirlwind secs with, couple abortionz, i would be mad sure, in fact i would be more mad! but i would probably get over it quicker, feel less pain overall.

but yeah this was a BIG DEAL and it would be nice if it were a big deal for her too. its not like i fooked her, women can forget about that, thats not a big deal. but knowing someone for almost 3 years is something they cant ignore. and then that just gets ripped out. how can that not hurt.

it is very much like a phantom limb, you wake up and feel your leg tingling, then in 20 seconds realize its been chopped off forever.

did a 2.8 mile walkjog, 6 miles again for 2nd day in a row.

a huge part of Getting And Staying in Shape would be to continue this during the Winter. I am already losing weight and that is kewl but naturally the winter it all comes back. because i dont go to planet fatness during the winter.

i vow that i will never dump somebody in this HORRIFIC way i have been dumped.

i vow that i will be much more direct and fast in talking about Feelings with women. either in asking “do you have feelings for me” or “i have feelings for you.”

also tell female platonic friends that WARNING i can develop feelings for platonic female friends after 2 years, so even if everything seems cool right now, it might not always be that way.

but yeah waking up at 4 am is NOT COOL. my mind was racing and not working well and i was thinking, maybe my Meds are not working??? cuz i just started meds after being off them 100% for 1 or 2 months; and a new med; and then had a bunch of bad shit happen almost immed after starting the med.



yeah definitely the tea is a lot better on muh stomach than the coffee.

what if she came back to me 2 years from now and had a bastard kid in tow where the father did not pay child support at all? and she looked older and more haggard?

well maybe i would make her my fook buddy but i probably couldnt respect her enough to fall in luv with her.

OR would i rekindle the old feelings. probably hahahahaha. i can ALWAYS rekindle old feelings. i never had a woman come back like that! well woman2 came back after like a few MONTHS to apologize to me, which i appreciated a lot! but nothing like they came BACK 2 years later and wanted to fook!

i saw woman2012 like 6 months later and talked to her for a few minutes, kept it together, but i was NOT happy about it, and also she was NOT changing her mind! i have never experienced a woman changing their mind about that, like yes yes yes yes i was wrong i really want to date you now! oh i wanted them to! i fantasized abotu it! but it never happened.

course i never thought i could fall in love after a long time, with a platonic friend!

course i thought i would never luv a slut again!

when is a lesson not a lesson?

i think its a lesson to not luv sluts. it’s NOT ANOTHER lesson to go back after that and “learn how to luv sluts again”. not an actual lesson. because luving sluts will burn you EVERY TIME.

theres no actual scientific advice on how do you get over someone. i dont want bullshit fake advice from Female Journalists who are mostly crazy super high mileage sociopathic sluts. they are either eating men or getting eaten by men. very adversarial relationships. incapable of a healthy rel. and youre gonna take advice from THEM. NO.

i want the type of scientific advice given by a damn MEDICAL DOCTOR. not some psychologist who believes nothing is right or wrong. but somebody who believes in TRUTH. not somebody who believes truth is always relative and is an Oppressive Myth.

TRUTH IS AN OPPRESSIVE MYTH, these people say, who break hearts and throw people away like garbage. hmmmm. they are monstrous. dont listen to them.

is that an ad hominem fallacy? dont believe what they say because they are horrible people? because horrible people cant make even one valid argument?


there is this tv show “the carbonaro effect” where a charming young magician does ridiculous magic tricks to prank random people. the real Teaching Moment comes in the RIDICULOUS LINE OF BULLSHIT that he is constantly spewing. i may have mentioned this before, but his Art Of Bullshit is top notch. he can fool grizzled cynics with his bullshit. and he could most certainly get Nonsluts into Bed. notice some PUA types also encourage doing Magic Tricks to impress bitches. because they are very susceptible to Clever Tricks.

Well, My six month rule is IMPREGNABLE to Clever Tricks, because it takes no cleverness whatsoever to know whether youve known a guy for 6 months! even THE DUMBEST WOMAN IN THE WORLD is able to EASILY figure out whether its been six months or not.

(my ideal woman would wait 1 year. 6 months represents a disappointing concession for me.)

but i recommend watching him because his bullshit is AMAZING. and any man could benefit from that.

not just in banging sluts, but in handling all sorts of social situations. he’s never banging sluts. he might even be GAY. he talks to men 50% of the time and they fall for his bullshit too! but if he were straight i am sure he gets his FILL of tail.

heh. i wish i had ANOTHER female friend to talk to about stupid women bullshit.

well in 2005 when i had all this drama with women, i had female friends i could talk to. it sounds shitty to say they didnt help at all. they helped a little! but im not certain they helped a LOT though. they did the best they could though. i aint hatin.

you think a Career Education Center opening in The Urban Ghetto is gonna make a difference? i just dont have that IDEALISM. I guess if they help even ONE PERSON turn their life around, then it’s made a difference right?

well i would like to see them help MORE than ONE person. cuz it takes like at least 200 grand a year to run a place like that. lemme see their budget. lot of OVERHEAD in an operation like that.

I will meet with you one on one for 8 bucks an hour! or 50 bucks an 8 hour day hahahaha

did i write about the Life Coaches that Elliott Rodger had near the end of his life? they were young attractive people employed by like counseling agencies or shrinks, to go out with Rodger and help him socialize, talk to him, boost up his Social Confidence, etc.

i thought that would be a SWEET job for me to have, then i wondered if you had to have a masters degree to do it. it sounded like the people he worked with were College Age, ie, pre-bachelors. but maybe you have to be a social normalfag in order to do such a job.

well i would address that elephant right away: you might prefer to hire normalfags, but i say its just as valuable to have someone whos BEEN there. actually knows the pain these loveless virgins are feeling.

look up life coach on indeed. see a “life skills specialist II” that just needs a bachelors degree.

i am looking for job titles and quals basically.

life skills coach, peer recovery coach, recovery coach, success coach, health coach, transformation coach, wellness coach, nutrition coach, group home worker, development coach, job coach.

part time life skills coach, 16 hours a week, 10.50 DAH. yep hahahahaha and only 30 miles away! well, 28.

anyway i believe that its not a matter of educating people so they know how to interview to get jobs……..its the SUPPLY of jobs in the first place. the better solution is NOT educating people, but CREATING JOBS.

i think the only types of jobs where there is a SURPLUS of JOBS, is like SUPER technical STEM shit, where you need like a STEM Masters degree at LEAST. like a masters of mechanical engineering, not a masters of biology. protip: biology is not STEM.

but i wouldnt judge you if you thought it was! when i first learned that biology was not STEM, i was SHOCKED!

i mean TECHNICALLY it is, but in terms of jobs, its not.

hiring a coach to mentor and coach less senior team members. see my company would do that only hire people who KNEW LESS than the less senior team members, to coach them.

hire a TEACHER to teach students, who knows LESS than the students. this is what people get ACTUAL, REAL jobs for.


good god almighty, have mercy on us and on the whole world.

i will never understand why companies will hire Outside people for Senior Positions rather than promoting from within. that is IMHO an ADMISSION OF GUILT. that is admitting “YES I ADMIT OUR COMPANY (CULTURE) IS SHIT.”

yep it took me over 30 years to recognize that my anxiety is a pretty big deal, i used to think Depression was my main problem, but Anxiety is up there, way up there, its either 50 50 or 55 45.

which means that when you are not anxious, you are hopeless and have no confidence.

i think of my “relative high”, like say july 2014, before i fell in luv with female former friend, was doing my job. i wasn’t SUPER confident or charming or fun or awesome. i was still anxious abotu my job every day. i still had very low confidence. things still kinda sucked and i had no energy. now they just suck a lot more!

welp second walkjog, got up to 6 miles today. not bad. actually about 6.1 or 6.2 hahahaha.

ok heres the questions you need to learn, that I need to learn.

  1. whats the deal with your secret boyfriend? (do you have a boyfriend)
  2. how do you feel about me?
  3. i dont have feelings for you right now, but given our situation, i could probably have feelings for you in a few months. lets have this discussion every three months. or i will let you know as soon as i get feelings. and you let me know as soon as you get feelings.
  4. can we talk soon, i would prefer to hang out and talk one on one in person, but i have to talk about something important soon with you, and will do it on phone or email if we cannot me. WE NEED TO TALK. SOON. ITS IMPORDENT.


ok start with hookers, then LEVEL UP to nonhooker sluts, then LEVEL UP to nonhooker nonsluts. decent women.

normal men just start off with nonhooker sluts when they are teenagers. they dont ever really NEED hookers until they are 40 years old and want to cheat on their fat hambeast wives with some fast young tail and are more than happy to pay for the convenience.

>tfw approaching 40 and no fat hambeast wife to cheat on hahahahaha

heh. it is funny that something can mean SO MUCH TO YOU, and that same moment means nothing to the person “sharing” it with you. SO CLOSE, YET SO FAR.

good old one sided luv. when gurls have one sided luv for a guy tho at least the guy gets some SECS out of it and it lasts longer, than when the guy has one sided luv for a gurl. then theres not even any making out.

hehe. all the damn advice columns say, welp, if doing this doesnt help, then go see a shrink. so what do the shrinks do then? nothing mysterious. they have you TALK about it and they try to have to do more or less the same things the article says, and have you try to retrain your thinking.

shit i have been seeing a shrink since…..2008 and i cant say its helped a LOT. it doesnt HURT though.

really the main things that would help me is a just a tolerable 15DAHJ and a 1 year monog rel with a decent woman. especially the latter!

always the sense that i COULD HAVE made this work, if i hadnt screwed one thing up. so where was the one pivotal thing that i screwed up?

its hard to get out of that. and to accept that theres NOTHING I COULD HAVE DONE to make it work because she didnt HAVE the feelings. or if she did, she didnt have them any MORE.

its just july2014 that will haunt me, which was Peak Niceness from her to me, where i really got a signal from her. but i wasnt sure if it was like liking, or just friendliness. she always was really friendly to me. until i started liking her, then she pulled away from me like the plague.

are rels supposed to be be god damn pulling teeth every step of the way? i thought they were supposed to start somewhat naturally and easily. like our friendship did. then when we ran into problems i wanted to fight to fix it, she would rather walk away. damn son. i said lets communicate with each other about this, lets not be angry at each other, she said nothing and walked away. damn. the last woman i will ever luv hahahahaha.

and that is how i became one of those lonely 45 year old bachelors.

now that i think of it, before i met gurls and started falling in luv with them, i knew NO gurls and just felt alone and lonely.

part of this is due to not having a real connection with male friends. so i could strengthen those.

but yeah. women never have trouble finding a man. men very often have trouble finding women. then your married friends say O I KNOW THIS GREAT GURL 4 U and set you up on a blind date with a 40 year old single mom hambeast whos also cray cray, degenerate, and just godawful in every way. and you think, THIS IS WHAT YOU THINK OF ME?????!?!?!?!?!?! im super dupe desperate but not even the worlds most desperate man could ever be THIS desperate!!!!!!!