heh. playing free poker tournament, a “freeroll”, because i am a valued member of the site. i could win like 1 dollar of real money if i beat out 95% of the poeple in the tournament hahaha.

i hate tournaments because it just seems like you would make more money in ring games, i rarely play tournaments, i will only ever play free tournaments, but last one i did, i placed and made like 50 cents hahahaha.

the trick is getting a big pot EARLY. and i managed to do that today. so i am actually placing right NOW. I am 8th out of 58 people. it only pays up to 8 though. and i was at 7. i could easily be knocked out unless i start winning pots again.

but early on i was more willing to play recklessly, because fook tournaments. that very aggressiveness was what won me the pot that made me place.

holy shit i just did another reckless fook it move, and won a HUGE pot, blowing 2 people out of the tournament, i had AK suited, so it was a good hand, but still, that was ridiculous and awesome for me. bumped me up from 8th to 4th. hmm thought it would send me to first. nope.

a smallish pot here just took me to 3rd. damn. i might win 25 cents today! hahahaa. but i gotta leave before i can finish this. i guess i should just sit out and not shove it all in at that time.

3rd place out of 58, thats not bad. that could get you a 12DAHJob. that is top 5%. that should be good enough to get you a woman AND a job.

i might have been a little shitty, but i didnt deserve to get GHOSTED.

you keep saying that word, i dont think it means what you think it means!

in other words, i caused my own ghosting by leaving the job where i saw the woman all the time.

but it sheds light on another similar and difficult situation: the cold shoulder.

so, cold shoulder is probably better than ghosting. because eventually cold shoulder ends. because you get mad and confront the person and have a big argument and then its over and youre the bad guy hahahaha.

she didnt intend to ghost, she just intended to cold shoulder.

cold shoulder is like ghosting when you still See the person hahahaha.

holy shit another ballsy all in with AA for me! and i won! and i am still in 3rd place. a pretty solid 3rd though. i was totally ready to be gone. i hate tournaments for all the reason i hate this game, and tournaments just magnify and intensify all that. so why do i do well at tournaments, but bad at ring games, when i like ring games more? because of luck. i am on a hot streak on tournaments and a cold streak in ring games.

but really the cold shoulder was too much for me to take! never mind the ghost!

so i forced her to ghost in other words! she was only prepared to cold shoulder!

well, the rational response to that is, she could have always responded to my 3 fooking emails. or the 1 email that came before the shit hit the fan.

havent i ever cold shouldered anyone? yes. i cold shouldered my college roomate who cold shouldered me first! then we grew  to hate each other so much and never reconciled and i was glad to never see him again!

i cold shoulder some of my friends when they have disappointed me, like throwing their lives away on addictions.

is that shitty and cowardly of me? sort of. course i think me cold shouldering that guy is better than her cold shouldering me. i wasnt disappointing her over many years with my self destructive behavior so many people have gotten burnt out on trying to get me to stop. i just wanted to talk to her about an elephant that had been growing for about 10 months. not many years, but still long enough to become a decent elephant.

really she was just scared of conflict and elephants so she just started with cold shoulder, not premeditated, just like a cornered animal acting emotionally, just like i was. we both acted emotionally. but i wanted to communicate, she wanted to avoid. at any cost.

so yeah i cant hate her too much. she wasnt thinking, i wasnt thinking. in fact i was MORE emotional, i was thinking LESS, because i completely fell apart. i couldnt do my job. because seeing her at our job broke my heart daily. i had to get out. if it were a better job and i didnt have a safety net, i would have stayed, carried on as best i could. but so many times i said, this job isnt worth it. also i had more of a safety net than she did, she needed the job more. also she didnt like me, so she was less emotionally compromised. but still emotionally compromised enough to act really fookin stupid to me.

well everyone gets emotionally compromised in diff ways. i was EC and a still wanted to talk, which was very reasonable! but me being unable to do my job, quitting job, that was all EC. for her the EC didnt involve her doing her job, it involved her cold shouldering and avoiding me.

still she COULD have responded to any of those FOUR emails.

hehe all in early in the tourney with AA, won it. funny, i often lose with AA!!!!! yes im FOOLISHLY playing another free tourney, simply because none of these assholes are playing ring games like I really want! they all prefer tounaments, like assholes!!!!!!!!

yes maybe its my fault for escalating from cold shoulder to ghost.

but not REALLY, because it was in her power to prevent that. but not my power! i couldnt force her to respond to my emails, just like i couldnt force her to communicate with me for the previous 10 months!

yeah this would be very frustrating for a secure person, but for an insecure person like me, it is absolutely devastating. i have made SOME progress though. maybe even 7%. i forgot i think thats like 550 days and not 600 days to Get Over Her hahahaha. to Fully Accept.

but yeah. being in the position where you are trying to get someone to communicate about something bothering you. you friend should respect you enough to communicate with you. even if they are having personal issues. i am not asking for the expertise of a brain surgeon. i just wanted her to listen and respond imperfectly. just two emotional humans talking and trying to figure things out before getting overly emotional.

well i sent the email on monday and i know if i were still workign there, the only way i could respond to anything like that, socialize, hang out with friends, do chores, do ANYTHING not related to work, studying work, worry about work, and worried trying and failing to sleep, the only time i would get a break from that, is the weekend, friday night thru sunday, and that is starting right now.

of course what i would have done is immediately respond with a short email (or text) even on a work night, saying “thank you for the thoughtful email. i would be happy to talk to you and to read this fully and respond to it fully. but i am super busy and will have to do that this weekend. please do not expect a reply before sunday. thank you. talk soon. your friend, the bald lazy loser failure.”  something like that, which shows i got their email, i am concerned and engaged, but that i just have to wait before i can respond. send them 1 polite sentence saying “GOT IT! will respond within 1 week, too busy to respond now.” can send via email or text.

of COURSE i didnt get anything like that from her!

like if a long lost friend emails me or calls me out of the blue and i dont want or cant respond RIGHT NOW. I still send them something RIGHT NOW saying thank you and i WILL respond later. then i write them a LONG email which i send in a week or less.

but yeah its amazing how people have SEX without even KNOWING each other. sex is a powerful thing which is MEANT to bind people closer together in love. that is the way nature designed it. by trying to separate sex and luv, you just fook yourself up emotionally and become a degenerate creep who cant form proper relationships.

you shouldnt fook people you just met, who you dont KNOW, who you dont RESPECT, who you dont TRUST. treat SEX with some god damn RESPECT.

and so many people DONT, because they are taught NOT to, by media and schools! and college!

going away to college is such a degenerate thing which ruins so many people. it kinda ruined me. i wish i had stayed at home longer and just gone to college near home.

there were strongholds of decency in the degenerate college culture, like uhhhh college conservatives or college traditionalist clubs, but i had no interest in the religious stuff at the time, and also I WANTED To experience the degeneracy, I WANTED to “experiment sexually and discover myself sexually.”

well, that’s onyl partially true, I ALSO wanted a Real Gurlfrand and would have been more than happy with that, and i also saw college as an opportunity to make that happen.

I could not make either degenerate sex, or a meaningful gurlfran relationship happen. failed on both fronts. the only college thing i experiences was the decadent degeneracy of “partying” too much. and it was not even for hedonistic fun. it was mainly to escape disappointment and loneliness and feeling like a weird failure during the prime of my life, in an opportunity i knew i was wasting. so i intoxicated myself on alcohol and MJ whenever possible. not in a fun party setting with gurls. we didnt KNOW any gurls. (all in with KK. lost to like 89 hahahaha. still in tourney with VERY small stack. will be eaten up within next two big blinds.)

but it was ridic not to KNOW any gurls, we were SURROUNDED by cute young girls. but thats how bad my social skills and confidence were!

when i finally made friends, they were also social outcasts. and we just smoked MJ and didnt know any girls or really any social cool people.

that finally changed my “senior year” when i made a whole new group of friends and suddenly became very social overnight and finally got the Social Experience I had been looking for. but it was overwhelming and i overreacted and really fooked up academically in response. but i did make some good friends and good memories that last to this day. but i also royally fooked stuff up that affects me to this day. and this led to women 1 thru 4, which were all abject failures. but at least i got laid, lost muh virginity, and made out with 2 whole gurls hahahahaha. but there were huge cons to go with the pros. namely i fooked up my academic career because i was too emo about gurls, and too stupid about alcohol and MJ, that I missed the boat, to make my useless degree actually be useful, by buffing up my performance to be grad skool worthy. i just said fook it, fook grad skool, and moved back home and been a huge loser ever since for the next 10 years hahahaha. with no real career and no real gurlfran ever.

all in just to make the big blind with 8 3 (unsuited hahahaha). finished 21 out of 76. not horrible i guess. still no ring games going. assholes.

now about 4 of those 10 years i wasted with drinking too much. then i stopped drinking and started doing a little better: taking classes, working a job that i didnt quit within months, albeit a very low paying impossible to live off not real job job.

then met woman2015 in 2012 and she was really the best thing to happen to me in those 10 years, or at least near it. i had a female friend i could trust, she helped me get a new job, a proper job, and eventually i fell in luv with her, felt i found the perfect woman.

and now its all gone again hahaha. well GOD has to test us sometimes. like with Job.

i dunno maybe some peopel LIKE their open relationships. i think the important thing is that you agree with your partner on what you both want. i would prefer a closed rel. i would only want to do an open rel if i didnt like the person that much, and wanted to hold out for someone better! like muh woman2015 boo hooooooo

i guess everybody has their own definitions of luv. but i would guess there are several large categories.

for me, true luv is

  1. do you want to date this person monogamously in a long term rel for at least a year
  2. when you hear ridic van morrison songs like into the mystic, tupelo honey, brown eyed girl, does it make you think of this gurl
  3. she is yer “best gurl”
  4. you dont want to be with anyone else
  5. you feel comfortable with them
  6. you respect each other
  7. you accept each other for who you are
  8. you actually know each other
  9. shit isnt rushed too fast
  10. your love for them feels unconditional
  11. they brighten your day when you see them
  12. they lift you up more than other people
  13. butterflies, fuzzy feels, daydreaming
  14. you cant imagine living without them
  15. you know that it ended would be devastating…..and it is
  16. you have met their family
  17. you want to take a mini vacation with them, like just go to a beach cottage for the weekend during the summer
  18. you are very attracted to them, you know there are other attractive women in the world, but you just dont care, because this one gurl is more than good enough for you
  19. you want to marry them and grow old with them
  20. you want to have children with them
  21. you think of a long term future together, 5 , 10, 20 years from now
  22. you will fight to fix any problems and resolve any issues
  23. you are all in
  24. you are in it for the long haul
  25. you have special feelings
  26. you like them more than you like other women
  27. you would never want to cheat on them
  28. having secs is honestly Making Luv
  29. you luv cuddling with them
  30. you are perfectly happy just to stay in and watch tv with them and cuddle
  31. you would do grosser secs things with them than you would do with randos, like have sweaty dirty havent showered in 3 days secs
  32. rando peoples body odor is disgusting but Smelling Her BO gets you horned up
  33. you feel a real honest connection with them. a strong connection.
  34. you would make sacrifices for them
  35. you honestly would change for them, or try to change for them
  36. you feel like two peas in a pod
  37. you feel like they are an actual partner or companion
  38. you feel intimate with them
  39. you want to have good communication with them
  40. you want to make a good mix cd for them
  41. you like giving them nice presents and want to give them thoughtful presents
  42. you write them mushy cards with the christmas and birthday presents
  43. you write them sentimental mushy messages with heart symbols
  44. you would get jealous if they wanted other guys
  45. you know their values and morals and are compatible with them
  46. you imagine your Wedding Day once in a great while and react positively to the image of them standing before you and GOD wearing a white dress

so as you can see, i have a very limiting, controlling, abusive version of love hahahahaha. but i would say a decent number of people share my vision of True Luv. this is what i felt for her.