welp i am glad i am sticking to walkjogging 5 to 6 miles a day. i still would like to lose about 20 pounds. have to lose 20 pounds before i could bang a gurl who is not totally gross hahahaha. i mean she still might be a single mother whore, but she will keep herself in shape enough to maybe look almost as good as a porno milf hahahaha.

i do not like pornography. i think it is degenerate and i am somewhat ashamed i watched so much of it during my Adolescence, and i wonder if that Screwed Me Up permanently. right now i only use it once or twice a week because i need something to look at because i cant use my imagination any more.

believe me, i much preferred to use my imagination! and imagine have tender Making Love with my Favourite Gal. but cant do that any more!

or even just imagine having nonloving casual sex with attractive real life women you see. that is much better than porno. like there were 2 other attractive women at my job i had imagined banging and it would be ok.

it really helps to actually know the women somewhat, like you see them regularly at skool, work, or socializing. i mean shit it was working together which first introduced The Woman and me. then we became friends, then we both moved from that easy job into a ridiculous job, which she was very pivotal in me getting! and we both moved to that new horrible job, remained friends, she broke up with her long term boifran which was not terribly unexpected, then i got feels, and then everything went to hell. i was able to to work with her for SEVEN fookin months while i had the feels though. so why couldnt i do it any more? what changed?

i guess the conflict had just built up TOO much.

also we had been sitting next to each other and working for about three full months BEFORE my feelings kicked in and then we worked seven more months. but that three months was pivotal for me being able to maintain during the next seven. also i was well used to talking on the phone during those first three months.

also at that point it was new and exciting, rather than the feel of an old sickness and you have now gotten so sick you want to puke.

you get physically sick, your body pukes. you get emotionally sick, you soul or spirit or emotions puke. thats essentially what happened.

i stole that from an episode of bishop sheen, i have been watching a little of him recently. brilliant man and ridiculously good speaker and communicator, but also super duper intense, and catholic as fook, for better and for worse. also he can seem creepy when you are young. but when you are old like me, you begin to appreciate that. i dont think he molested any boys.

i mean if i felt GOD was CALLING me to be anything, in the sense of Vocations, I always felt that Married Life was what i was being called to, because I had such a Special Interest in Long Term Relationships, and Love Relationships, and meeting The One, falling in Love, staying together for years, having children. this always naturally appealed to me. so its safe to say that is my CALLING, as opposed to Priesthood or Single life.

well sometimes you can THINK You are called to Married Life but you are actually called to unmarried life hahahaha.

and supposedly all this heartbreak and depression is GODS way of bringing you closer to him, and his will, not your own damn selfish will. getting married to a special woman for life and having children, fook that shit, GOD wants you to be single forever.

GOD wants you to be a huge virgin loser the rest of your life. GOD is also calling you to never be able to hold down a job and meet the demands of adult life.

in the old days i would have been a great “ascetic beggar on the edge of town.” just the religious bum with nothing or no one who looks frail and weak and lives on handouts but does it all for the LORD. but for the first 40 years or so of his life, he thought he was being called to Married Life, because he Appreciated and Respected Intimate Relationships so much hahahaha.

well appreciation and respect get you nowhere in life son, its survival of the fittest out there, dog eat dog world. and i never realized how much this was true! but just the insane competition to get ANYTHING in life. to get the shittiest job, you have to outcompete everybody. to get the shittiest woman, you have to outcompete all the men.

to get pieces of shit, you have to be perfect and super awesome hehehehehe. of course the wise awakened man chooses to opt out of this foolish game.

WOW. in late june early july and even right now, the media had a spike of stories about GHOSTING which became a meme: where you dump somebody by cutting off all contact with them, no explanation, just disappearing.

And, Jezebel argues, “generally a person worthy of ghosting has really done something really, truly terrible.” hahahahahahahaha

this one is not about ghosting but a cuck feminist man who loves when his wife fooks other men cuz it teaches him how to love, absolutely insane, good comments

is there any best way to reject a man, includes some ghosting, and women call a guy a creep cuz he was upset about being ghosted. because guys are so ENTITLED and have such a FRAGILE EGO they want to know WHY they were dumped. because they want to be TOLD they are being dumped, rather than GHOSTED. women are entitled to be immature pieces of shit who treat people with no respect.

well actually this guy prob was a real dbag judging from his twitter.

and then i go and write 9000000000 pages of blogs because i felt ENTITLED to a RESPONSE. I feel ENTITLED to Not Being Ghosted.

Well I must have been an ABUSER to get Ghosted.

anyway ghosting seems to be connected with Social Media and Social Dating Apps like Tinder where you date/fook a different person every night in NYC/LA after your job as a Senior Editor at age 28.

anyway, sane decent people, and not wacky NYC Senior Editors who treat people as disposeable, seem to agree that Ghosting is cowardly and immature and shitty and not something you should do if you’ve known the person for a while; or there is no abuse. and that for the psycho men that go crazy when being rejected nicely, they will probably go even more crazy when GHOSTED.

and that it is extremely painful, but that the person did you a favor by showing their hand as a bad person to be in a relationship with.

some jackass said its all about insecurity. secure people handle rejection well, insecure people handle rejection poorly. insecure people are the worst.

well sorrrrrrrry you fooking cvnt. jesus christ. FACT is NOBODY likes being rejection. rejection is painful for EVERYONE. sure i guess secure people DEAL with it a little better and arent COMPLETELY DEVASTATED like us insecure weaklings.

ghosting is also know as the slow fade, but i think thats misleading. its more like a Instantanteous Burnout. BOOM. the person is gone in an instant. they burn out in a fast xplosion, not fade away slowly. just blink and then theyve disappeared in the blink of an eye.

i have never been GHOSTED before hahahahahahahaha i am so happy theres a word for the pain i am suffering hahahaha.

its especially bad to get GHOSTED by someone you work with hahahaha.

so really i ghosted myself by quitting the job. maybe things would have gotten better and we would have communicated in a few weeks.

oh yeah. most sane mature healthy people on all these comment sections seems to agree that Open Honest Direct COMMUNICATION is always a good thing.  I knew i was not crazy in thinking that!

i was trying to communicate for 10 months, as there was a slow fade out there, as my efforts to communicate were constantly rejected.

then while we were still on speaking terms i did send an email saying PLEASE lets communicate, lets talk, I am hurt by what is happening, please we have to talk. she did not respond to that but just said she had read it. AND? did you have any thoughts about what i was trying to say? do you care that our relationship is dying? apparently not, becuase i am the bad guy, I broke it because I got feelings. god damn.

so TALK about it. mother of god. all i wanted to do was talk about it.

but i admit fault in that i was a slave to this idea of the In Person Private Heart To Heart. after like 3 months TOPS, I should have just confronted her on a damn cigarette break at work, and try to say as much as i could in 5 fooking minutes, and hope that Opens A Conversation, and then followed that up with long emails, hopefully an exchange of long emails on both sides.

its not like i met her on a Casual Sex App and we went out on Two Dates and I was Super Creepy! We were friends for two years, there was a connection for a while, she USED to accept me for who i was, it used to be much less one sided.

well if anything it was one sided with her having the feelings and me feeling weird about that. but i was still nice to her, i still responded to her, i still hung out with her!

in fact, i’ll never be sure if she liked me, or she was just being friendly! lots of guys make this mistake! and frankly i don’t WANT to know unless she comes back and wants to date me. it would do no good now for her to spitefully tell me “i did have feelings for you in july, you missed the boat, you fookin creep, october was too late, loser creep, have fun being alone and unlovable the rest of your life while i fook 900000000 men”


or the idea that with these CLINGY NEEDY GUYS, ANY COMMUNICATION give them false hope. ANY COMMUNICATION makes them creepier and clingier and more insecure. so communication is bad in these situations, with these weird mentally ill guys.

also. what about the classic DEAR JOHN LETTER. I dont know if that means the woman is cheating, what IM talking about is when a person abruptly leaves without warning, just packs their shit and they are GONE FOREVER, but at least they have the decency to leave a note!!!!!!!!!!


but nobody OWES anybody ANYTHING.

and of course your prejudices about the articles based on the publication they come from will be spot on prejudices most of the time, ie, slate, xojane, jezebel are all crap, huffpo, nytimes, nymag.

ie the types of pubs MOST LIKELY to write about ghosting.

no its not DISHONEST to ghost, because yes it sends the same difficult message of rejection as “i’m rejecting you now”.  but its just more COWARDLY, IMMATURE, and DISRESPECTFUL.

i should write her an email standing up for myself and say I Dont Deserve to be Ghosted! You are an immature coward who is disrespecting me!

no no i am done writing emails hahahaha.

i touched on a lot of these points in my emails, i just didnt know about the term “GHOSTING” until today, which i guess became a big news meme because thats how charlize theron dumped sean penn recently.

in my emails i used terms like freeze out and shut out and slam the door in my face and ignore entirely. maybe she wont know what i mean until i send her an email using the actual term “you GHOSTED me you know” hahahaha.

god damn.

but yeah i made the points over and over that communication was all i wanted, just to damn talk about the elephant in the room; and that we are both decent people who deserve respect, and that this could be ended more compassionate and humanely for me, please let me down softer, please treat me like a human being and not some weirdo on tinder one date, we had a meaningful friendship for two years, please respect that.

PLEASE RESPECT ME AS A HUMAN BEING hahahahaha its a bad sign when you have to TELL somebody that.

basically the only time ghosting is acceptable is if you had 1 or 2 dates, have not known each other for a long time, and there is not an abusive relationship.

oh but we had a TOXIC Relationship and that was all MY fault for being pushy and weird and not respecting her boundaries.

because i was being pushy about COMMUNICATION hahaha.

but im one of those insecure needy guys where COMMUNICATION IS BAD. so i dont deserve communication because i cant handle communication, and she demonstrates how much more emotionally mature she is than me by realizing this, and not giving me the communication i obviously cannot handle.

well when woman2012 dumped me the right way, with a sensitive, respectful, but no uncertain terms email, i sent an equally respectful email back and that was it, and i eventually got over her. and that was so much better than what happened here.

i was actually sort of “ghosted” by woman2004 (woman2) actually. this was before i had a cell phone hahaha. we hit it off real well and had secs but i was scared about dating because everything was moving so fast and i had never dated somebody before. then i couldnt get ahold of her. i called her regularly but nothing.

i think it was something like “my phone is out of order”.

then i heard she was handing out with x boifrans and i was like damn. i got mad and decided to stop trying to contact her. i was in the right of course.

then 3 months later it was eating me alive and like an idiot i tried to reestablish contact by calling her in like november. that was one of the top 10 hardest phone calls of my life. still dont know how i did it. but then amazingly we began hanging out again, making out, and i could have banged her too, but i felt it was just too fast.

so she made out with me and hung out with me but also started hanging out and making out and eventually banging this other guy in my social circle, and i had to be ok with that, because now we were “dating” even LESS than we had been 3 months before!

then i got angry at her, RIGHTFULLY, and ceased talking to her, maybe i ghosted her! then she started dating her old boifrand. who himself entered into the social circle so i saw her again a few months later.

then she stopped dating him. then she found me one day and apologized for being a flaky bitch. i truly appreciated that. it was good for her to Woman Up like that. we started making out again. but hanging out regularly became tough, she would not respond so much. then i saw her hanging out with this handsome young guy, when she wouldnt respond to me. im like ok were done again, this is stupid. by this time i had two other women i was worried about hahahaha.

then like 4 months later the original woman found me again and apologized again. ok great. then i finished college and moved back home with the fam and have been there ever since and i only saw her once again. and she got married to that original boifran. and then i think she got divorced.

but she’s got a middle class career and a graduate degree from a highly ranked school and a progressive middle class nytimes life and no kids yet!

but i do appreciate her apologies.

she was officially diagnosed as bipolar and on lithium from a young age. i say this only because her behavior was pretty crazy. but IMHO it is better to be diagnosed and getting treatment, than undiagnosed and not receiving treatment!

I have been essentially diagnosed with Depression and have been trying to Treat It for fookin 7 years. I suppose I am slightly diagnosed with Anxiety. not really treating that except some SSRI’s treat anxiety as well as depression hahahaha.

woman3 did not ghost me, she actually gave me a decent talk. i just had a real hard time accepting it. we continued to talk on the phone, she actually moved CLOSER into my social circle so i saw her more after the dumping, then we started making out AGAIN.


That certainly got my hopes up! just like when the same thing happened with the previous woman, woman2, we started making out again, but it did not bode well at ALL, but i got my hopes up.

meaning if i see woman2015 again and we immediately start making out………..





also, you can Leave a note without fully explaining why. youre right, i probably wouldn’t want to know the laundry list of every reason why. i guess to me the why is not as important as the CERTAINTY that this is over, and that the person has the decency to treat me as a human being and give unambiguous, unmixed, clear communication. that is very important to me.

but what would i know, i am just an insecure needy weirdo who can’t handle communication.

well i handled communication from woman2012 VERY WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.