aug 20

so my lesson learned was, if you get a chance to make out with your female friend, but you really dont want to becuase you dont have feelings (yet) and you think it would be weird and awkward, but she’s really not ugly or old or disgusting or physically gross or fupa and its kinda weird you’re NOT attracted to her and people might already think youre dating, well then just go ahead and make out with her, because you  are probably on the cusp of getting feelings ANYWAY.

also, ANY experience a man can get with a woman will help him. help you confidence, give you confidence that can never be taken away, help you level up.

i said that casual sex for women is unforgivably and horribly degenerate, and for men, it was still degenerate, still not a good thing, BUT its not mortally bad like it is for women.

in FACT, it CAN be a good thing if you as a man have really low confidence, and all the readers and writer of this blog have extremely low confidence, i would just say fooking go for it. especially if the woman is not blatantly gross.

if she is gross…. uh not sure.

the closest thing i have is when i was fooking 14 or 15, over half my life ago, my friend and I went to his grandfathers house about 50 miles away with a nice lake, nice place to go during the summer to swim and have fires and such. we met two girls that were like 16, 17, or 18 and hung out with them. the one i preferred, preferred my friend over me, and the girl i preferred less, preferred me, so i ended up making out with that girl, and being butthurt that i HAD to make out with that girl and not the one i really wanted. she wanted to be like pen pals or some shit and maybe talk on the newfangled email thing people were starting to use on our dial up internet. i didnt really feel like it because i was always thinking, this whole thing is stupid, i always wanted the other girl more! and now i’m stuck with the other lamer one!

well in hindsight she wasnt THAT lame, and she was a fooking 17 year old gurl, so i was in the wrong there. plus its not like she was disgusting! kinda hard to be disgusting when you are a 17 year old gurl unless you are morbidly obese, and she was not.  so i should have just tried to bang her.

would that have increased my confidence? or would i have been angry about that? cuz i was angry about making out with her can you believe it. i was like this sucks, im not gonna make out with somebody unless i really LIKE them. and then i did not make out with a gurl again for about 7 more years. also banged her hahahaha.  now i did like that gurl so it was much better, but in hindsight now, i dont regret making out with that gurl when i was 14. and in fact now i wish i had banged her. but i was kinda young too! i hadnt even started j3rking off 10 times a day in the height of puberty. if i were 16 then it probably would have been a different story! but by 16 somehow i was already a beta male and never hung out with gurls and had lost touch with that friend who was really responsible for getting me my first make out! he was a decent guy too.

lets see. did a jogwalk of a total of 5.4 miles today. 2.5 miles, then 2.9 miles. you do have to break it up so you can get water.

anyway. later on i then stalked my female friends facebook page, when i was trying to find out about her “secret boifrand”, and saw them exchanging lovey dovey messages prior to that day that i “should have” made out with her in the park.

so i used that to comfort me, that i shouldnt regret this too much, because she was already going out with him, liked him, didn’t really like me, and who am i to make a gurl cheat.

and now im like, well THAT rel she had with that guy was shitty, and he cheated on her, and it would have been better if she cheated on him, with me! who cares! plus it is possible to like more than one person. i often forget this! but you can be confused among a number of people.

it happened to me in 2005 for really the first and only time. i was emotionally torn between THREE women and would have dated any one of them. i suppose i had feelings for ALL of them!

unforutantely not a one of them worked out! that sucked.

but what i am facing right now is EVEN WORSE. because this gurl was better than any of those gurls. and we actually had a deeper “connection.”  that lasted longer. built up over time. that meant something to me. even if it didnt to her.

so it would build a mans confidence to bang a dirty whore? yeah, if she werent terribly ugly. thats why they call them “PRACTICE GIRLS.” so you can build your confidence and your masculinity when theres a woman you actually WANT.  or god forbid luv.

i mean just try it at least. she might be bouncing around on you and you cant even get hard. well at least you tried.  actually that could potentially hurt the confidence hahahaha. cant even get hard when trying to bang some filthy gutter whore.

but it was weird. as soon as my mind was officially made up that yes i want to date her, i could not hang out with her AT. ALL. prior to that we did hang out. while i was still in my “transitional” phase, or my “figuring shit out” whatever you want to call it. THEN we would hang out, during july, august, september. then my feels were official in october (i can pinpoint october because of course i wrote about it and could clearly see the difference between what i was writing in september (“its weird i dont have feels for her, but i dunno i just, im not super on board, it would be weird”) vs the very next month, writings from october (“my feelings have officially changed over the past month, i would like to date her.”) ) and boom starting in october she refused to hang out.  all i wanted was one hangout to TALK, like we had had in september, august, july, come on.

i mean she HURT me with how she was pushing me away. which culminated in the biggest hurt ever recently. shit she hurt me a lot more than i hurt her! at worst i just annoyed and or frightened her. i didnt break her damn heart and just rip her out of my life like a cancerous tumor, like she did to me.

which is so unlike a decent woman like her! I would have expected that out of a typical american degenerate whore, but not her!

oh well just proves all women are like that, degenerate whores, evil pieces of shit ahahahahahaha.

so yeah lesson learned is if you get ANY chance with ANY woman, provided she isn’t so disgusting ugly, i mean if shes young and not fat, just fooking go for it, even if you dont really WANT to at the time. also try to have secs with her so you are not so hung up about secs, and can view it for what it really is: just dumping a load of sperm into whatever cvnt is willing. hahahaha.

but yeah, now I am the weird one for thinking that sex should be a Special Thing that is Shared between True Lovers Only, and not everybody fooking each other like god damn animals.

im not sure what i thought was “weird”. it was something stupid like the shape of her head. that and thought it would be weird to have secs with a gurl who is Just A Friend.

i guess that is a legitimate reason for me to feel weird about it. i felt it would mess up our friendship, which at that time i did legit view us as just friends, and i even said, “please god i hope she doesnt like me, because i dont like her back, and i dont want to have to FRIENDZONE her”

and then a few months later i was exact opposite. in love with her and begging please god make her like me just a little bit so we can hang out and make out and spend time together and date for a year.

WELL, let the record show. back in the day when i was worried about her liking me, i was still very willing to hang out with her, talk to her, maybe i “built a wall” or “kept her at a distance” but i would still HANG OUT WITH and TALK to her. which was 90000000000000000000000000000000 times more than SHE did for ME when I had feelings for HER, but she didnt.

yeah i should have done more, but this is 60 40 her fault hahahah. maybe even 70 30.

i should have said during that time, “WHAT ARE YOUR FEELINGS FOR ME. I FEEL LIKE YOU MIGHT LIKE ME.”

i should have been direct like that. but i wasn’t. however at that point the onus was on her.

because when i got feelings for HER, i was more than willing to take that onus by the horns, and the moment i got her in private for A Talk, i would have said

“Listen, theres something important i need to talk to you about. now this is gonna be pretty awkward and im sorry, but i have to put the honest truth out there and talk about the elephant in the room. now this hasn’t been going on too long so i am glad we can talk about it before it gets TOO weird. but in october i got feelings for you and now i dont know what to do, but i know i do want to talk to you about them. i know you are in luv with another guy so. do you think you could ever have feelings for me when you are done getting over him? cuz you used to be really friendly to me in the past and i felt like you might like me, and i regret not making out wiht you in july, but i just was not sure then. i am sure now. what can we do here. lets talk about it. when you are ready to date again i think we should try it because we already know and trust each other. till then we can keep it cool though. but what does your intuition tell you. could you ever like a guy like me?”

something like that. i told her a lot of this in my emails but by that time it was too late.

i have ALWAYS had problems with women. i have ALWAYS had problems with jobs. and school. this is ample evidence that that problem is not with The Degenerate Stupid World, but with ME, and how i just cant handle the world. and i feel like that every day. that i just cant cope with life, cant handle life, cant do the basic things other adults do, cant get or keep a job, cant get or keep a woman, because i am constantly worrying about how stupid and impossible it is to get or keep a job or a woman!