aug 19

yeah buddy. building up a backlog here but i kind of want to.

i think i have finally made a little progress, feel like i i have improved about 5 to 10 percent over one month. therefore, 100% over ten months! we can do that.

so what do you do when you get feelings for a friend, and you know its bad timing for them, becuase you know they got their heart broke by some guy recently, and they are still getting over that?

well you tell them just that during your Timely, one on one heart to heart. you say

“i know this is bad timing because of what you’re going through. i agree it’s bad timing. but i couldn’t help it. it just happened. maybe you could get back to me if you ever want to try dating me, once you get over him. ok done.”

i think this would be better than biding your time. cuz i bided my time and shit just got worse and worse and then blew up horribly!

i wish i had told her months earlier. and then i would have to say something like that. but she wouldnt LET me talk to her in person. this was definitely a bad move on her part.

so i should have written an email saying yeah this is how it is. i know you could never return my feelings especially right now. but, if like in six months, when things are better, you think, hey maybe, then contact me.

i mean a woman would have to REALLY love you to contact YOU after a long break, when she can find 900000000 different interesting handsome charming so easily, in abundant supply!

and if there are so many charming handsome successful men, how come you cant be one of them??

maybe before you have you heart to heart intervention talk, you can write and print out what you want to say like they do on intervention. i dunno. i just want to make sure you dont forget to say anythhing important.

ideally the other person would Consent To Talk several times, until both sides say everything they want. but life aint fair ni99a, you dont always get such justice as to get a Fair, Good, Rejection! sometimes you get a bad bitter Rejection! and i cant even imagine these normalfags that DONT constantly get rejected, and go out with a grill in a Long Term Relationship! To me and us, it is like a fooking UNICORN, but it is SUCH a common thing among normies!!!!

i guess you could say, well i’ll check in with you every three months to see if you might have gotten feels for me by then. but that sounds really desperate.

but people GET desperate sometimes! It sucks for them but i don’t think it makes them bad! i dont think you should be rejected strictly for being desperate in other words.

so you don’t SAY it, but you DO it anyway?checking in with them.

but that means that you still Want them.

of COURSE you STILL WANT THEM, that’s what LOVE IS.

Well, that’s what Love Is, when it has not run its course for you, when, for you, its ended prematurely. when it ended before it began. so in this case, which is the only thing i’ve ever known with 6 women, the love never really goes away, it can always be rekindled.

i guess if you had MUTUAL, two sided, reciprocated luv, and then you DATED the person for like a year, and said i luv you, and spent many nights together, and spent a lot of time together, then maybe eventually the relationship could “run its course”, you could decided to get out of it, you were all loved out and all your love was gone. and then it would end, and then you could never see yourself rekindling it.

but WHAT IF the OTHER person ended it before you were “READY”?

i guess my point is, when the other person ends it before you were ready for it to end, whether you have gone out for a year, or you have NEVER gone out, then there is that sense of you being the Loser in this war, and you will always on some level PINE for them, and would always be willing to take them back. well, for like the first 10 months at least, before you fully get over them. but yeah nothing will change that you were still loving them, and they just pulled the rug out from underneath YOU.

YOU didnt pull the rug out from underneath THEM! you’re the one getting MORE HURT! you are on the losing end muh friend.

so thats me, thats the only way its ever been with the women. been in luv 6 times (maybe 8 hahahah), been on the losing end 6 times. 6 for 6 hahahahaha.

so take benadryl every 3 days to get your mind off the woman.

aug 20

well slept like shit again last night, and trying to be visible as much as possible to make the fam happy, and i owe it to them to make them happy, i want to make them happy! do not want them to worry, they have worried enough, i have been ridiculous enough.

what else. my biggest regret was that me and the woman hung out this one time in july 2014 and it would have been the perfect moment to Make A Move on her, walking in a quiet peaceful beautiful section of the park. i started to feel nervous right then and there because i was like oh god if i liked her i would want to make out with her right now; and if she likes me, she would want me to make a move on her right now. but since my feels were very very uncertain, and i felt it would be weird and forced and i didnt really WANT to at that time, i did nothing. of course i cant even say if she would have really taken kindly to it, but i could have saved a year of my life hahahaha. and at that time, not only were we on speaking terms, but darn good terms, so she could have rejected me in a Good way!

we had a nice time but i made up some excuse that i had to go later, rather than hanging out the rest of the night with her, because i didnt want to “send her the wrong signal.”

and then we hung out again in august 2014 and i had been thinking about things a little more. we went to dinner and i said what are you doing tonight and i think suggested hanging out, i was more open to that. and then at that time she was busy.

anyway i felt that Doing Stuff with her would be Weird, but looking at it Logically, why would it be weird at all? It was weird that I THOUGHT it was weird! because she was young, she was not ugly, we got along great, the only thing was that I was Just Not Ready. I guess the timing for me wasnt quite right. it was just a little off for me.

and the lesson learned is, if you find yourself in a likewise situation, just try to make out with the gurl, even if you dont quite feel it, IF you have every logical reason to date a nice gurl like this, and you can’t figure out WHY you don’t quite like like her yet. just go ahead and make out with her, if she is nice, young, not ugly, not fat, not stumpy, not degenerate, just fookin go for it even if you’re not quite ready and you think it would be a little weird. in a few months you will probably no longer think its weird and will be very glad you did!

heh i should write her another email saying, my biggest regret was that i didnt make a move on you in july 2014, even though i wasnt quite ready yet, i should have done it anyway.

who cares if it would be weird. it horribly weird anyway. it got weirder than it would have been if i made out with her then. at worst she would have been like sorry but i dont like you like that, at best we would have gotten together and lived happily ever after.

50 years ago you could just get a job and work and live. it didnt take 8 hours just to APPLY for a job where you would not even get an interview anyway. you could more easily work and live and find a mate.

damn. yep this female friend of mine was JUST the kind of woman men who use Mail Order Bride services wish they could find in the US: not promiscuous, not super crazy, gentle, kind, low number, had not been used up too much, not a lot of miles on the odometer, only one long term rel and that’s basically it, family oriented, decent values, not narcissistic or borderline or hysterical or the other one. histrionic? not a sociopath or psychopath. still in mid twenties. well proportioned, not ugly, didnt dress like a whore. real good wife material in other words. and because there is such a shortage of women like this in the US because the west is becoming a Decadent Babylon, men look for more Traditional Women in other countries and mail order them. i cant blame them, but i would be hesitant to do it. it just seems like too much, and also potential for scamming too great. i wish you could just find a wife material wife in the US. of course, so do they.

and i found one, but god damn she wants nothing to do with me. i luv her and she doesnt even like me.

and yeah it is much harder when a decent woman rejects you, vs a decadent whore.

basically i found two decent women in 7 years, that’s not too bad. woman2012 was a decent wife quality woman too. and i say 7 years because i first met her in 2008, but i did not develop feels RIGHT away believe it or not. it was not as delayed, like the two years for woman2015, but it was better than right away. took maybe 3 to 6 months to realize actual feels there.

which is another reason why its insane for women to have secs after 3 dates or any time before 6 months. you cant even tell if you really LIKE a person before 6 months. it takes TIME and they force things thru, especially secs, way too goddamn fast. its disgusting and discouraging and degenerate and Forgive Them Father For They Know Not What They Do, but the damage is still done and I am quite turned off.

well already went for 2.5 mile walkjog today. did that pretty early on, before writing. tried new route. i like going in as much of a circle as i can, and seeing as much as i can. not running around in 25 little .1 mile circles over and over agian. or going 1.25 miles one way and then turning around and going the same way back. first world problems but thats just my preference.

watched this program where this guy said he “ran 40 miles a week”. that is 5 to 6 miles a day every day. i guess its not really extreme. i could do maybe 6 miles a day for 4 or 5 days a week. that is 24 to 30 miles. but its not all “RUNNING.” it is 30-40% Jogging and 70 to 60% walking. and when i do jog, it is very ungraceful and not very fast. it is Slow, Belabored Jogging.

Well i have lost 10 pounds in about the past 2 months. i suspect half of it was due to me working a little bit and being so anxious on edge that i couldnt and didnt eat. too stressed and dazed and confused to eat. then a little while after that i got most of my appetite back, and by that time, i was exercising quite a bit more, and doing more Jogging. I have not done this much jogging in YEARS, and perhaps never this consistently. so that’s GOOD.

what if she came back and just wanted to Talk Again sometime?

Because i would not be able to pretend like my feelings had gone away. because they will never go away. i could not just pretend to be just friends with her.

i would HAVE to address the ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM and be like yeah we have to talk about that crazy shit that happened; and we have to talk about the stuff that i wanted to talk about but we never did; we still need to do all that. because i might be able to upgrade the feels from just friends to more than friends, but i am not optimistic about downgrading them back down to just friends again. i will always have feelings for you. i have feelings for you right now. nothing major, basically im just madly in luv with you, want to marry you and spend the rest of my life with you hahahaha.

ok THAT you should not say. kinda downplay the ridiculous crazy seriousness of the feelings, and just be like. i dunno i just have a crush on you, i still have feelings, obviously these feelings caused issues in the past, so we need to talk about that head on, and i still have the feelings, basically i would like to try dating you because i think you’d be a good match for me. IF you had any interest in that.

also some make up secs right now would not be a bad start hahahahahahahaha. or at least a make up make out, where we passionately make out and you cry and say im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry for being a b to you. kind of like all those times before where I said im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry for being weird and pushy to you.

but maybe i would get what i want if i just Played It Cool for a while, pretended like i didnt have feelings, got us back to hanging out again, then basically get her into the park again, or a private moment at her house where we are sitting next to each other watching tv or something, and then put on the moves. after playing it cool. the ends justify the means. jeremy benthams means ends system hahahahaha.

i am not above lying, deception, and manipulation. but i just dont think i could pull it off there. id still want to address the elephant in the room and Make Up first.

why cant you just be honest and just be yourself hahahahaha. always making up stories and bullshitting and manipulation.

i mean some lies are worse than others of course. and i will tell lies when they are pretty white lies or just being courteous.

damn. getting a decent upper working class job is harder than getting into HARVARD. I never knew it would be like this. nobody told me. they never prepared me for this in skool hahhahaaha.

like this police service aide job which starts out at 40k a year, thats like 20k an hour, well less because of the mandatory OT.  lets estimate 47 to 50 hours a week. but you have to take 911 calls, have Full Psychological Test. at 50 hours a week that shakes out to more like 16 dollars an hour. which was not much more than i was making at my horrible job hahahahaha. and this police job would be abotu 9000000000000000000000000000000000000 times harder to get. plus i determined that i would NEVER want to take 911 calls. emergency dispatch. come on. god bless those people. that takes nerves which i do not have. and you think i would pass their damn Psych Test?

fook. i had a good looking young never married no kids woman, low number of partners, WAY below average, family oriented, almost antisocial, NEVER liked partying or going to clubs or bars or drinking or partying, and she accepted me for who i was, and we USED to have a good connection, perfect wife material, and now shes gone forever. worst heartbreak of my life bar none. it will be a miracle if i ever get over this. this one is gonna damage me permanently and just make me a weakass shell of a man, even more pathetic than i was before.  damn.

ok obviously time for a 2.9 mile walkjog hahahaha.