aug 19

yeah i determined that by sending that email, what im really trying to do, even if im not fully aware of it, is to beg for my fantasy to come true, beg her to luv me. yeah getting “GOOD” closure and good karma would be ok, but i want more than that. of COURSE i still want to be with her. i really have NOT fully accepted that its OVER, even though i said that in the email.

well i wasnt lying per se, this is more Bargaining.

i hate to harp on the stages of grief but its a  good starting off point. for me i experience denial, anger, bargaining, and depression ALL AT ONCE, all mixed in together, perhaps a diff feel every day, rather than stages of each. there were tidbits of each expressed in the email. i accept that its over? denial. anger: i was angry at you for ending it in such a bad shitty way. very true. no lie! bargaining: begging her to remember our special connection, appealing to that emotion, we connected so well. maybe but its over now. and i dont want it to be over. depression: i am at rock bottom, my confidence is gone, i feel incapable of doing anything, i cant move, i cant get out of bed, my mind doesnt work, i have a learning disability, everything is CONFUSING and OVERWHELMING.

so yeah as far as im concerned, acceptance isnt even a phase, its the END, once you get to acceptance, you are GOLDEN. acceptance is the goal. i would LOVE to have “fully accepted” that its over. if i did, i wouldnt even be sending the email.

so that was the LESSON LEARNED from sending the email, and i pretty much HAD to send it to learn it. so thats the benefit. but this should prob be the last email.

i was sort of manipulating by pulling the heartstrings about our connection, two peas in a pod, we understood each other and trusted each other bla bla. yeah its true! in my fantasy at least hahaha. no it WAS true and thats what makes it so hard: when you do have something good, and then that something good dies, passes away, is lost forever, and you wish you could have it back, but you never can. fook YEAH thats HARD TO ACCEPT and you will desperately beg to have it back!

so yeah dont send any more emails because i can say i accept that its over, but deep down thats the root purpose of these emails: to beg for her to change her mind.

i did not realize that 3 weeks ago, i started to realize that yesterday. i am making baby steps of progress lol.

yesterday i took a Benadryl to help me sleep and it actually worked fairly well. more importantly it got my mind off of HER a little bit and gave my mind a bit more normalcy than its had in a while. i suppose valium would do something similar but i want to hoard my 100 valiums for job related bullshit in the future hahahaha. and benadryl you dont need an rx.

i thought yeah but why take drugs to erase your mind? wont it just come back harder when the drugs wear off? like drinking? you only temporarily escape/forget, then feel EVEN WORSE when you’re no longer high?

then i rationalized, well, i’m ALREADY AT ROCK BOTTOM, so ANY relief is a plus.

besides benadryl is not as bad as alcohol.

i slept a little bit better with the benadryl. but i still had trouble getting up at a “proper” time. took it at 9pm then barely dragged myself out of bed at 10:20 am. hehe. ideally you would take it at least 14 hours before you want to get up. if i were still working, i would recommend taking the benadryl or sleeping pill one hour BEFORE YOU LEAVE hahahaha. cuz it will take at least one hour to kick in and then will make you feel sleepy forever.

but better to feel sleepy than having your mind haunted by a waking nightmare; or to be nervous or anxious!!!!

better to halfass your work and go through the motions because you are sleepy and grumpy, not because you are so anxious you feel like youre going to break down and cry, or jump out of your skin!

i actually got a few minutes of productive thought, like ways i could talk in an interview about the skills i learned from my job:

that i changed a weakness to a strength in learning how to communicate well under pressure.

that i was able to learn how to deal with intense Confusion and Ambiguity and Uncertainty and Complexity where there are No Easy Answers Ever and everything is COnfusing All The Time. and you ask 10 different so called experts and get 10 different answers. and its essentially your job to figure out how your company and its technology works…..but no one’s really 100% certain how it works, even the higher ups who have been there for years. when you have systems that are so complex and deep, it takes YEARS to even scratch the surface, and no one person knows everything, and it takes a long time for you to even know Who Might Possibly know something about a particular issue because you dont even know what kind of Teams your company has, and you ask 10 different people, and get 10 different answers, all while the person with the problem is waiting on hold.

where you know LESS about the problem than the person with the problem calling you!

it’s very much like if someone called 911 and said help my friend is drowning! and you don’t know what drowning is, you don’t know what water is, you dont know what breathing is, you dont know what 911 is, you dont know what death is, you dont know how to swim, you dont know not how to swim, you dont know cpr, you dont know what a person is, you dont know how a person drowns, you dont know how long a person can not breathe, you dont know who could fix it, you dont know what an ambulance is, you dont know what EMS is, and yet you are the first person called to save the life of a drowning person.

not even joking. but of course we all know those basic things, but when you are put into a situation where everybody is talking about weird programs and systems and procedures and protocols, you literally do NOT know what ANYTHING is.

you dont know how to fix the program! you’ve never USED the program. you dont know how its supposed to work!

better yet, when higher ups call YOU and forget very basic iron clad facts, and insist you should be able to do something, but they just are clueless about very basic things about their job, and they’ve been there longer than you, and should know, but don’t. and you have to tell them they should know, we don’t know, talk to your manager, oh i already did and he said to call you.

it’s all in how you approach and deal with the confusion.

I prepare myself by reading cases on my off time.

we basically covered at least 5 hardcore higher level college courses worth of material, which i guess isn’t a lot, but it would take at least 4 or 5 months of full time training to even begin to digest.

i would say we needed 4 or 5 months of full time training before answering a single phone call.

but you only get two weeks.

therefore, you get about TEN PERCENT of the training you think you need. you are NINETY PERCENT unprepared when they throw you to the wolves.

well i guess thats better than 100 percent unprepared hahahaha.

anyway i would suggest taking benadryl ONCE EVERY THREE DAYS just to give yourself SOME relief, ANY relief, the relief that youve been begging to GOD for. So thats why GOD created benadryl.

i guess you could also try nyquil but that did not work so well for me last time i tried it. i took it and still couldn’t sleep, still mind racing, it did no good, still woke up very early morning with worried mind.

and i say once every 3 days because sleeping pills can be habit forming, you build up a tolerance, and they just stop working, stop helping, stop giving you relief.

me crying out, i respect you, please respect me, please end this better. come on.

it just really sucks to have a good connection, and she cant just say that was a fantasy because it wasnt, and then have that connection go away because one person doesnt want it any more.

i had not connected like that with a woman since 2005 at least. i connected with her better than all the few women i very briefly Dated. the only thing that came close was my platonic connections with other platonic female friends, long ago, which gradually faded away, but not with anger or hard feelings. more like time, distance, and their careers. also i never converted the feels to nonplatonic with them.

but why can someone decide one sidedly that they dont want the connection any more?

it doesnt matter why. they can decide why for any reason. in her case it was probably because:

  1. did not have same feels for me
  2. horrible timing, just broke up with a guy and still hung up on him
  3. saw that i was changing and was not willing or able to come along with me for that change

she prob would have wanted the connection to continue if my platonic feels were continueing. but they WEREN’T. the platonic feels were OVER on my end, and i decided that one-sidedly! well i think it just happens. you can’t choose that.

just like she couldn’t choose her feels. these things really do just happen.

but all this is proving how damn ridiculous it would be to go back to work with her. i can barely get over her without seeing her. i write her emails, well “just”  3 emails a month, which shows my desire to Be With Her despite me saying I Accept That Its Over. No, I don’t accept that. it will prob be at least 6 months before I fully accept that!

how do you know when you’re Ready To Date Other People and you are Fully Over the Previous Person?

uhhh it will take at least 4 to 6 months at LEAST. and then you will reach a stage of you just don’t have feels for ANYBODY, and you will be somewhat content in that. I know i was! I enjoyed that “downtime” between woman5 and woman6 (new reckoning system here.) between woman2012 and woman2015 how about that. using the dates that Everything Ended/Died.

it didnt make me any more confident or powerful or alpha or anything, any more high achieving or ambitious or hard working. i just wanted to bang bitches with no commitment, and felt that my heart was permanently closed. until it opened again, was melted by woman2015 during the second half of 2014.

i should have also said right in fooking october14 when i first got the feelings. blurted it out. well, i was happy to give her a FEW chances to blow me off the hang out. she just got HER heart broken! but by december or january the blowing off was getting to be too much. I was getting Backed Up with shit to say.

so at THAT time i should have sent an email or text saying thusly:

“hey i have feelings for you which started about 2 or 3 months ago. that’s the big thing i wanted to talk about. i think we had a good connection and at this point, my feelings changed, i wanted to be more than friends. lets talk about this before it gets too weird. i know you’re still getting over x from 2 months ago, so i know its the worst timing ever. but lets talk about it, get it out there, try to respect each other, and maybe in 6 months when you are over him, wanna give me a try maybe. the end.”

5 fricken lines. dont even need an hourlong heart to heart, or 3 900000 word emails. alright thats more than 1 text, thats maybe 3 texts, still not bad tho.

heh. so thats what i will do next time, if there is a next time.


and just give sex away in a very liberated way. nope. never gonna do it.

my ideal woman would never have sex outside of a Committed, Monogamous Relationship.

It’s ridiculous and degenerate that there should be a “Three Date Rule.” That is DISGUSTING. In response to that, I advocated a TEN Date Rule, but honestly, I would prefer that the woman be Dating the Man Monogamously for at least 6 months to 1 year, and ideally be able to say “I Luv U” to him and mean it. only then should she have secs with him. for the FIRST time.


when i first had secs with a gurl at age 21 hehehehe late bloomer, i had only first MET the gurl TWO WEEKS prior, tops. she was a fast mover, kinda pomiscuous and slutty and easy. however i was desperate to get laid and not become a 22 year old virgin, and she was super cute. I mean we are talking a solid 8 here, and very very very much in the First Full Flush Of Youth. Straight Up Peak of Youth. Not talking about a 29, or even 25 year old woman here. We are talking about a damn 18 year old gurl. A Teen with Firm Breasts and Young, Bright, Glowing, Firm but Soft Skin, absolutely no signs of Aging whatsoever. hahahaha. I couldn’t NOT go for her when she was very willing!!!!!!! and neither would ANY man. so i dont regret that at ALL, even though she was moving too FAST for my liking. oh well.

but she was raised in a progressive middle class feminist family that said experiment, have fun, explore your sexuality, sex is not dirty or bad, just use protection and consent, we can help you if you need to get an abortion. don’t worry if you break any sensitive sissyboy hearts, that doesnt matter.

in this case i felt the connection was forced too fast, the connection was simulated and rushed, but it wasn’t really real, like it was with woman2015, where we were platonic friends for almost 2 years before i got feels and wanted to secs her. that 2 years gave me plenty of time to really get to KNOW her and TRUST her and become comfortable with her.

none of that happened with that girl above (woman2, woman2004 i guess). it started and ended in the blink of an eye. that is just too fast IMHO. take your damn time.

make sure you are monogamously dating the guy for at least six months. make yourself wait, not just him.

the longer a woman waits to have sex with a man, the BETTER. period.

well, with maximum benefits peaking at around 6-12 months. 9 months hahaha. i think the benefits would go away after 1 year, then it would just be ridiculous. then we are talking religious fanatic. but i dont think 6 months is bad at ALL. 6 months is GREAT.

thats part of why i connected with woman2015. she got her first real boifran at age 18 or 19 and dated him monogamously for 4 or 5 years. i think this is GREAT. i rarely meet women who do this, let alone decent looking women who i get along with instantly.

most gurls have had more secs partners before age 20 than I will have in my entire life! there is absolutely no reason to have 5 partners already by age 20! Especially for a woman! Are you kidding me! and she also voiced disapproval about Sluts, and looked down at slutty behavior. She agreed that sluts were not respectable and she was happy to be more Prudish than average. and I like Prudish Women.

and now she is transforming from a prude to a slut. some women do it during their teens, some women do it during their twenties. but by the time a woman has reached THIRTY, and she’s not married, you can be GUARANTEED she is USED UP.

hehehehe. i would have been happy to marry this woman before she hit thirty. she’s still got some time left too.

yeah it sucks. in the beginning she accepted me and liked me for who i was. and it sucks to lose that. with other women who went to fast, i always had to worry about me candy coating everything so they wouldnt think i was WEIRD. weird to be a 21 year old virgin, or to be 22 and have no real long term gurlfrans, be 30 and have no real gurlfrans, go 10 years without having secs, only having secs with 1 gurl ever, never dating a gurl longer than 2 months, only dating 2 gurls in my whole life, never longer than 2 months, when most women are able to “achieve those milestones” before age 20.

well, better for a woman to have one long term boifran starting from a young age, than start having secs with lots of dudes from a young age! OBVIOUSLY! but its NOT obvious in this sick sad modern world!

but my female friend never pried, never asked these awkward questions, and if she did, i felt i could trust her with the truth. and she liked me as a person and didnt think i was some old creepy weirdo. but now she does. because i fell in luv with her 2 years in. damn. well i couldn’t help that. it just happened.

thats what i can tell you about luv. fook this new testament love is gentle and kind and patient and tolerant paul to the romans wedding bullshit.

yes, love is gentle and kind and tolerant, but its ALSO intolerant and jealous and CRAZY. its CRAZY and you can’t control when and who it happens to. it takes control of you. it is the root emotion of jealousy, obsession, hate, potentially violence even. love is a real fooking mixed bag and its not all good. when it goes good its very good; when it goes bad, it gets REALLY REALLY HORRID.

THAT is luv. and just because it went bad, doesnt mean that it wasnt love, just because you weren’t HAPPY to Let Her Go.

Essentially I was being minorly Cucked. She was telling me, I dont respect you enough to even TALK TO, you have been downgraded from a respected friend to less than a piece of shit; and now i am gonna go have fun and be friendly to everyone else.

I am a human being and i demand respect! me falling in luv with her does not give her the right to take away the respect she had for me! but she did.

woman2012 still treated me with respect, as a human being, and gave me Good Closure. woman2015 treated me with no respect and gave me Bad Closure.

of course i still didnt want to SEE woman2012 after that ended either, wouldn’t want to work with her!

would i have casual sex with a woman now? probably. i would probably even let a woman cheat with me on her unhappy relationship. however i probably wouldnt cheat ON somebody if i were in a monogamous relationship with them. also i would remind the woman at every chance that what she is doing is immoral and wrong and that she should break up with her boifran. oh i’m just as bad because i’m still fooking her. well i’m not cheating on anyone, and if you hadnt fooked me, you would have just fooked somebody else. and fook no i would not want to get into a monog rel with you, because you’d cheat on me, like you’re cheating on him. i am just looking to get my d wet without paying $400 a pop. we have no real connection, i have no respect for you. you are not the kind of woman i would date. woman2015 was.

shit yeah im still hoping she’ll write me in like 4 months and be like IM SO SORRY, lets reconnect, and this time lets go out and date. it was bad timing, as you know, but I was willing to wait until a better time, like now, so lets get started now.

shit yeah i would bite for that.

and its been like that in all cases. i always want them to “come to their senses.” I am always willing to forgive them.

shit if woman2012 came back to me right now, i probably wouldn’t deny her! i would bnag the shit out of her and it would be fun. i think she was an asexual lesbian though, maybe an incipient transgender. she was not a normal woman.

but normal woman suck, they are stupid sluts.

NO, that is not NORMAL women, that is what normal women have been brainwashed by an abnormal, disgusting CULTURE to become, and sadly, normal women are all too susceptible to brainwashing.

i guess men too. why are humans so susceptible to brainwashing? I’m no different really, i’m brainwashed in some ways too. but i am less brainwashed than average. red pill son.

but yeah not being brainwashed means that you can see that casual, fast, uncommitted sex is bad for women, because men and women have different Reproductive ROLES and ABILITIES and RESPONSIBILITIES. I liked that woman2015 understood that on some level, so as to resist the hedonist, short term instant gratification physical pleasure seeking Cultural Mindset as long as she did, and it is sad to see her fall to it, during her Mid Twenties.

well maybe she wont fall to it, but she’s definitely not going to be with me! and that’s just as bad.

i don’t really have any burning desire to casually bang 90000000 women either. i would much prefer one monogamous mate with true luv. but as a man it’s simply much less risky for me to have sex with some stranger, because i can’t get preggers, she can. i can sure get fookin syphilis off that skank tho.

Decent Women Understand This Too, and act accordingly.

They Slut-Shame because they know to be a Slut IS inherently shameful!

so yeah she ended it poorly, i was willing to end it not so poorly. she still has the chance to end it well, but i will still WANT her indefinitely. it will probably be about six months at LEAST before i could ever WANT anyone like that again.

well shit. six months before my heart is hard and calloused, after it is broken and bleeding now.

then it will go through a few good months of being a hard callous, for sure.

but yeah february cannot come fast enough hahahahaha.

well the good thing is, the skills i learned with Dealing with Overwhelming Confusion at my Job, are portable skills that i can take to any and every job. you notice every and all little details. you learn to ask the right leading questions. you never assume anything will work and you have 10 follow up questions ready immediately. say not only what do i do here, but also please give me a backup in case that doesn’t work. reading case notes. asking the right people. explaining things i dont understand. being under pressure all day every day trying to think fast and fix shit where I know LESS about EVERYTHING than the person who broke it, and if they were ANYWHERE NEAR as smart as me, they should just fix it themselves. but we are so smart, think so fast and creatively, that we can fix shit that we dont even know WHAT IT IS or HOW IT WORKS, that they have been working with for years.

when you call an “expert” and the expert knows WAY LESS than you do. and it is your Job 8 hours a day to be that “expert” and you feel like a fraud, in over your head, all day.

well then take a benedryl or sleeping pill one hour before you clock out, then by the time you get home, go right to fookin bed alone or with some fat pig you resent more with every passing day hahahaha.