aug 18

shit, just destroyed again, but a beautiful day, want to get out there soon.

the worst is getting images of her face, her body, worst of all, images of her sucking dick or getting fooked. i pray to GOD to erase these images from my mind, to erase her from my mind.

sending that email was a mixed bag. pros and cons. it brings me up from rock bottom briefly but then 1 day later i am right back. at root is is just a way to desperate beg for her back, to say please change your mind, even though i say “i accept fully that its over.” nope just words. because i want her, want to be with her forever, can’t accept her going out and sucking dick and being done with me.

so shes thinking “UGH why cant he just let it go, he obviously doesnt accept that its over.”

well thats cuz i had actual feelings for her, she didn’t have them for me, so OF COURSE its easier for HER to accept! she’s HURTING way less! i got HURT 900000000000 times more. I am not burned into HER memory! she’s already forgotten about me, and just says UGH when she sees another email from me!

is it REALLY for my benefit only? of course not, deep down i WANT her to read it, i WANT her to respond, i WANT us to communicate, and i WANT to manipulate her into Dating Me!

I do/did have a deep abiding nonphysical Gods Love for her, but i ALSO have a very sensual physical sexual attraction to her, and THAT is actually more painful at this time: like the memories of her body, her face, her eyes, her face getting fooked by other guys and her LOVING it more than she ever liked me. that really hurts. drives me nutz.

i feel incapable of doing ANY job. like i will read stuff or listen to people and just not comprehend. it is like i have a damn LEARNING DISABILITY. but i didn’t in high school! And I got a decent GPA in college! which even though i had an easy major, i still didn’t find it easy per se!

and recently i would read the technical articles needed to Do My Job and just be like “WHAT THE FOOK. I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO DO MY JOB.” and when you ask for clarification, they treat you like an idiot who doesnt know how to read. and even if they are kind enough to treat you like a human being and try to explain it fully, you STILL dont understand it. and you can’t pray enough or jog enough to get your rest at night. always feel like you’re being pushed to your breaking point. forget about Gradually Pushing Beyond Your Comfort Zone. more like Constantly being pushed to the EDGE. big difference.

plus i don’t really have FAITH in GOD. I am still resentful at the very IDEA of such a judgemental and petty god demanding submission. but i go to church to show gratitude to my family, plus it seems like a fitting religion for DESPERATE, WEAK people who are just BEGGING for some sort of relief, and that kind of Humiliated Desperate Beggar I can totally identify with!

but i will always have fundamental Moral Disagreements which make me a Cafeteria Christian, an apostate, heretic, blinded by the deception of Satan, to live my selfish and worldly life. I WANT the worldly life! Give me that womans soft white body! I would have loved to fook her all day and do ridiculous things with her body! and i am jealous, angry, obsessed, and crazy, when all that goes away! It proves i don’t HAVE an abiding Real Love, i wanted to OWN her for myself and no one else, i don’t WANT her to be happy with other people. I want her to be with ME, period.

but i guess this insane pain is NORMAL for the end of a rel. especially if you had Actual Strong Feelings. Maybe it wasn’t True Love, but the feelings were DEF insanely STRONG! thats for sure!

I am against abortion, but what would i do if I got some gurl preggers before i was ready to take care of a child?

Also i am fairly FOR euthanasia at the end of life, to ease the pain of Cancer Patients, that sort of thing, when a person just wants to die to kill the damn pain.

also i dont think jerking off is a mortal sin.

or using contraception.

or premarital secs.

i do think that promiscuous secs, or secs outside of a Committed Monogamous Relationship, is kinda immoral though.

and these Moral Beliefs i’ve held pretty consistently for most of my life.

also i dont have a huge problem with gays.

I mean i dont hate the church per se, and i do beg to GOD to have mercy on me and give me strength, almost every day, and i like some priests, and i go to church to make family happy cuz its the least i can do for them. but i have never been a true strong believer, never had a Loving Relationship with GOD in other words. I try to be a good person but i have those Huge Moral Disagreements listed above. However I do generally agree with Dont Kill, Dont Steal, dont hurt people, don’t cheat on your spouse, etc.

Ive even been staying longer at church because i am so desperate!

But my deepest interest has not been in church or career, but just being in a Committed Monogamous Rel with a Decent Woman. It’s not easy finding good candidates. I found a good candidate and that just fooking blew up recently and totally devastated me worse than i have been in at least 7 years.

i mean shit what if she DID respond. then i would be obsessed with THAT, and trying to push THAT further and further, try to meet with her.

on the other hand, there is something good about meeting with somebody in person, in private, one on one, to have a damn TALK for ONE HOUR. if i had been able to do that ONCE with her, before shit got too bad, maybe they wouldnt have gotten this bad.

but i’m not sure it would do any good now, because now we are POST shit hitting the fan. the horse is way way way out of the barn and is never going back in!

so the talk would probably have more anger and hostility and accusation really. it would possibly be a much more negative, useless talk. talking would do no good now. it might have done some good THEN. so why the hell do I WANT to talk? because I REALLY want to live in a fantasy world. I want to hope against hope, i want the impossible miracle of her being with me.

so rereading the email with that in mind doesn’t make me feel so good about sending the email.

well i mean its not like shes gonna respond anyway. really the worst that i’ve done is that i’ve just set myself back three weeks, when i sent the previous one. but still. even three weeks seems like a lot when every day is ridiculous!!!!

like there was an emotional and moving part where i reminded her of how we had connected, how similar we were, how we had a lot in common. definitely a heartbreaking appeal! but that also kinda shows what i really want: for her to relent and submit to me! for her to say yes i was wrong i luv u too! lets be together forever and live happily ever after! and make out and cuddle and luv each other, and also have mad physical secs regularly!

it’s WORSE than an addiction! you can get over the withdrawals of HEROIN or ALCOHOL in like two weeks tops right? not this! it is INSANE having one person be at the FRONT of your mind for weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks!

i mean, what the fook would i do if she DID respond? then of course i’d want to respond to THAT. and back and forth and so on. she wont respond of course. but WHAT IF hahahahaha. i have been playing what if for the past month, eery day all day.

like if she came back at me with a really bitchy takedown of everythign i said, and how i was totally wrong, and how i am a monster or a just a total piece of shit weakling not worthy of respect, i threw all my respectability down the drain by the way i acted to her. then what. then i would try to rebut that but writing another email saying but but but but. i didn’t MEAN to do x y and z.

well i didn’t really DO a lot. i was just afraid of having a direct conversation and blurting it out. i wanted to meet in private and have an hour to have a heart to heart.

but then, HOW HARD IS THAT???????? She could have done that, we could have talked for ONE HOUR in like november or december, and that would have been a lot better than what actually ended up happening.

very mixed feelings hahahaha.