aug 17

well just take my word for it that it was such a beautiful email and its a shame she’ll never read it! with the right woman, i could have “won her back” hahahaha.

i think about that degen moron normie robin thicke and how he wrote an album to “win back” his estranged wife. i actually like that kind of stuff, soft spot for it. i guess it did not work. and feminists and modern women hate this because it is creepy and weird and desperate and stalkery to have a guy BEG.

but ive never been too proud to beg! aint too proud to beg.mp3

but im not gonna beg and beg and beg and beg and beg over and over and over and over again. there is an end to my begging. and i think i am getting closer to that end thank god.

this is the…..third email i’ve sent her in 1 month after the shit hit the fan. that’s a lot but…..not too much? one ever 10 days? thats not too bad. they did get gradually longer though.

really its much more for MY benefit, so i can convince myself that I’ve said everything I need to say, and if she can just turn her back on THIS, then it truly IS over.

also this time i wanted to “demand satisfaction” for what i felt was very cold treatment and a bad ending, and appealed to her to end it better, let me down easier, show me the respect and kindness that i showed to her, that she used to show to me.

and i went back and revised it so i was saying it in a friendly, civil, polite, non-angry, non-accusatory way.

they say to write letters and never send them. i say SEND the fookin letters, because you clearly have stuff you want to say to the person. but do try to word it so it is not angry or accusatory and you are not burning bridges. believe it or not i abide by this rule! i never burn bridges. i was/am very upset at the woman yet i was able to write a very polite message. that will never get read hahahahaha.

i mean if you get the PRIVILEGE and the LUXURY of meeting with the person and talking privately in person for a god damn hour, then you can maybe show some more emotions, and cry and say i was angry bla bla bla. well i mean i said i was angry because if how i felt she was treating me. but i was very nice about it.

you can be very nice about anything.

shit i looked at it like 8 hours later and suddenly i am not feeling so great about it. like oh i didnt work that quite right, and that sounds weak and desparate, and generally not as awesome. kinda like the same thing that happened with the previous email. but i think the new email was a better email in general too.

i worry that its me slapping a bandaid ON, me trying to get one last fix by sending something to the very last thing I have of her, as I probably have been blocked on the phone.

i’ve been blocked on the phone for gods sakes! if i cant get THAT signal through my head i am hopeless!

i have already been rereading the email too much in my sent folder, just like i did with the last. well its gotten me moving again. i am able to use the computer. even dragged self out to go for walkjog. went and got a Turning The Page type haircut. that’s not bad, the walkjog is not bad.

but the constant rereading of the email and picking apart every sentence is not so great. yeah. so now i can send another 900000 sentence email in 3 weeks to try to say everything just right. while she is out there moving on with her life, carrying on with her life, being strong and not falling apart, making new and fun and sexy and more memorable connections.

i talked about how special our connection was, but she can always say that’s a FANTASY on my part. i am DELUDED. it was OK, but it wasn’t THAT special, i am just a psycho obsessing about a Fantasy World, totally in my imagination, imagining things that weren’t there, being out of touch with reality. in the good days, things were good, but they weren’t THAT good. right? i dunno i thought they were pretty good.

but honestly i had not connected with a woman that deeply in ten years, even if it wasn’t that deep.

it would almost be easier if we had had a real relationship, then i would have banged her 9000000 times, and that would have been a value adding experience hahahaha. and it would be less easy for her to say im  living in a fantasy world, and would make it harder for her to freeze me out completely. but when you dont actually date, then she can do that, and i’m the bad guy for being upset.

i dunno. i claim that the 2 years of friendship meant something, were worth something, were special. i tried to communicate that to her, to appeal to her to agree with that, mainly so we could just end it a little better.

do i really want to end it better, or am i trying to “win her back?” when i never had her to begin with?

well, i DO want it to end better. it ended about as bad as it possibly could.

but even if she attempted to end it better, more “humanely and gently, without hard feelings”, i dont think i could then see her every day, were i to go back to our job. we might be on speaking terms for a while but i would be veyr likely to do something stupid and flush any good karma or goodwill down the crapper. so i still couldnt be around her in other words. the only way i could go back to the job is if we were to start damn dating. which would not be unusual at that job. there are like 5 Couples In Monogamous Committed Relationships who work there Together.

it would have been different if it were a different job. if it were my old job i could have still handled it. if it were a better job i would have tried harder to soldier on until I started getting Warnings for Bad Performance, or Crying in the Bathroom, or just taking Valium on the job to get through the rough patches. like if i were a level 2 or above i would have cared more. but i was a level 1, and level 1’s never get promoted even after 4 years.

many times i said the job just wasnt worth it. and this was the final straw that made me say FOOK IT ALL.

i just dont want to have this happen again in the future, to have a good job jeopardized by damn feelings over women, heartbreak in the workplace.

if it were an actual good job that i was serious about keeping and not DYING to get out of, then i probably wouldnt have quit, even if i saw the woman every day. i would have found a way.

probably by just sucking it up, running to the bathroom to cry every day, by doing a half ass job until i was called in for a meeting by managers, and then just telling them the truth, assuming workplace rels were not a firable offense. i would say yeah i am still getting over it so my performance is gonna suck for like a year or im gonna go postal and sh00t up the place hahahaha. naw but you can usually get three strikes before you’re fired. i would have tried to last three strikes, BEG management, really suck them off, and do everything i could to minimize contact with the person, so i didn’t SEE them working, i didn’t see them entering and leaving the office, so i didn’t hear their damn VOICE and them laughing with the cooler people 15 feet away, or see them whenever i went to the bathroom or to the kitchen or lunch or break.

and also if i had a job that i really wanted to keep for years, namely one that i could do with a frazzled, flustered, unclear mind, and just go thru the motions and fake for a while.

this is all assuming a workplace romance. most people use their work as a way to “return to normalcy” when their wives leave them, when their families die. then they look FORWARD to their job as a way to escape their personal life going to hell.

but when the person who dumped you is right there every day? MUCH DIFFERENT STORY.

writing can be your doom or your salvation. writing is SO RISKY. i am staying up late writing. past week or so i have been so dead i CANT EVEN WRITE. cant go outside and WALK during THE nicest month of the year. i have been waiting ALL YEAR for this and now i cant even enjoy it. all the stupid FANTASIES of going to the lake with the woman and seeing her big fat pale white beautiful ass. god damn. shit. i couldnt even get her to HANG OUT with me for TEN MONTHS.

lessons learned:

  1. you can fall in love after two years of no feelings, and just good old comfortable no-issues platonic friendship. the feelings can convert.
  2. find the topics you dance around. you may talk very honestly about many things, but one or two or three, not so much. find those topics and talk about them ASAP. send her a text boldly saying “so whos your new boyfriend. you have secs yet”
  3. if you have actual feelings and have not confessed them by three months in, just blurt it out via text or awkward moment.

shit if i had hung out with her at any time during 3 months (and it ended up being 10!!!!) i WOULD have confessed. thats just the kind of communicator i am. i try to be honest about those sorts of things. and i would have been sending mad, undeniable signals. probably awkward and clumsy signals, but strong signals nonetheless, that the woman would have to react to in some way.

and because this is important, i wanted to talk about it in person.

so its her fault for not giving me that chance hahahaha.

but yeah she’ll never real the still pretty beautiful and heartfelt email i sent today. i hope i dont get the urge to send another. i mean theres really not much more i need to say. women need to allow men to send them like….10 emails when they dump a guy.

what is this, twelve angry men on TCM. as i get older I enjoy the oldass black and white movies and TCM movies that i thought were corny when i was younger. they’re still corny, but they are good too. not such disgusting degenerate trash like you see on tv now. i am not THAT old, and in my lifetime, in the past 10 or 15 years, TV has just gotten so bad that I am ashamed to watch it.

but now i am so devastated its about the only thing i can do. now i have taken to watching “snapped” on the oxygen channel, which is true life real crime stories about spouses that murder each other, and they talk to the relatives and police, non dramatizations.  and watching simlar murder shows on the “discovery ID” channel. and the occasional TCM movie. that is all i watch. i have even given up king of the hill to spend more time with family. because family is really much more important!

and we often watch british murder mysteries, and this is great non degenerate television. my favourites are “midsomer murders” and “foyles war” and “father brown” is pretty good too. just good clean pg rated non filthy stories. well midsomer gets a little pg13 sometimes, and technically the people do degenerate things like everybodys cheating on each other, everybody’s killing each other. but there is a nice dry british sense of humor to it, and i like it especially when the murder mysteries are: taking place in the country or small towns; taking place in the 40s or 50s; and the episodes are 80 to 100 minutes along, like full movies. so, midsomer and foyle are my favorites.

oh yeah. yet another point on a dead horse that its ok to beat: that men and women are naturally different and its bad for women to be promicious because it shows no self control because women can essentially have secs with any man they want, while men have to work for it, get rejected MUCH MUCH MUCH more, settle for disgusting table scraps, can never get real satisfaction. while women can get a new attractive man every night of the week.

i dont begrudge them that ABILITY because the ABILITY makes perfect sense: women can get pregnant and men can’t. women are the choosers and men are the beggars.

my POINT is, that doesn’t make it OKAY for women to be promiscuous aka “sexually liberated and empowered”. it’s not ok for women to go through a slut phase. its total bullshit.

my point right now is, one of the only ways a man can really RESPECT a woman, is if she’s got a low number. not a slut. not promiscuous.

and that was an important reason why i RESPECTED my gurl.

but it’s really really hard to respect a woman who has been used as a drty jizz bucket, taking it in every hole, getting her face covered in sperm, sucking and worshiping dicks in her mouth, gobbling down sweaty swarthy dicks on drunken fun nights from guys she just met. treating sex as a fun game.

this is why i don’t trust women who have sex outside of a committed monogamous serious relationship. women who don’t take sex SERIOUSLY. because for women sex IS serious. full stop. and you shouldn’t trust loose women either. they’ll get bored of you and your dick soon enough and dump you if you’re lucky, cheat on you if you’re not, break your heart either way.

point is, they treat people like meat, disposable, and don’t care who they hurt. its sociopathic and i have no idea how so many people LIVE like this. I never want to BECOME like that. I hate seeing good people become bad people like that. especially when they are women you are in love with hahahahaha.

oh yes people make mistakes and slip up and do things they’re not proud of. but people can just as often LEARN from their mistakes too. a woman can say, oh god, that night of promiscuous sex was horrible, i never want to do that again. cheating made me feel horribly guilty, i’ll never do that again. getting busted for drunk driving sucks, i’ll never do that again.

some people learn from their lessons and some people DONT, and do the same stupid shit over and over and over again, and become worse and worse. THATS what i dont like. of COURSE i accept that people aren’t perfect. but do they LEARN from their mistakes and CHANGE and IMPROVE? many do, but many don’t. 50 50 hahahahaha.

i prefer people who do improve.

have i learned from my mistakes? kind of. slowly but surely. i got busted for drunk driving and i have not drank alcohol since. i really don’t plan to. the negative association with alcohol is just too strong, too ingrained.

i suppose i learned how to Guard My Heart and not Fall In Love Too Fast. in the past id made that mistake, fell in love with gurls after just a few months of knowing them. but this time it took me two YEARS to fall in love. i had to really become comfortable with the woman and build trust and really know them. of course it still didnt work out but still. hahahaha. at least i didn’t fall in love with her right away.

on occaision i still am tempted by medical herb. for several months this year, i was sm0kin it habitually. feb, march, april, may. four whole months. and could have gone longer if i could get it. then i got some, then shit hit the fan, then i just didnt FEEL like it any more, and i had to get rid of it, give it to a friend, and i am glad i did, but i know one day in the distant future, i will want to partake again, and i look forward to that day. i wish it could have provided me any relief from this horrible bout of derpression.

well, it had a personal connection to her. if it didn’t, then maybe i could. but i am not making any damn money hahahaha.

well i have been OBSESSED with women before, and got over them. it wasnt easy, and it wasnt quick. i can see why i drank a lot during those days! but god damn i KNOW that many times i got drunk and during the depths of my drunkenness i thought about the women and weeped drunk sad bastard tears over them. looked at them on facebook, stalked them on google. i guess the alcohol HELPED me do that, because i could not imagine doing that now. i had to deactivate facebook because i couldnt deal with the fact that she blocked me; or going to my old messages and seeing her name there. you can still see all the old messages, just there name is black instead of blue and it does not link to their profile.

even seeing their profile picture is too much.

threw away everything they gave me, which wasnt much hahaha. it was hardest parting with the medical herb but i got rid of that too.

i had a few pictures of her downloaded from facebook saved at various places on my computer and google drive. had to take some time to find and delete those, but i think i got them all.

deleted all emails i sent her, all emails she sent me, deleted her from contacts, saved her contact info in a text file buried in my google drive however. should probably delete that someday but at this “distance” its not too painful. but fook its her birthday next week. last year we were getting along very well around her birthday, i took her to dinner, we talked and hung out, i could kinda feel things starting to change maybe but i still wasnt sure, and i was definitely wondering about that guy in her facebook picture.

but i was too scared to just ask her. i should have just asked her. in the future i will learn from that mistake. dear god i hope so.

and this is definitely related to how i waited too long to talk about muh feelings too. if i had not been afraid to talk about the boifran, i would have been like, oh well who is this mysterious guy you dont trust so much. oh its the guy you’re fooking, and you think he’s cheating on you? well dump the loser and get with me because i actually like you and would treat you right. yes thats right i have feelings for you, deal with it.

and then all this shit could have been done by like november hahahaha instead of next july. also that is the more manly, confident, direct way of dealing with it, and would have made me less of a bad guy hahaha.

going to college but also launching a startup. kiss my ass best buy commerical faggot. this is why i cant watch commericials, get too angry.

meh. i guess i really DO care if she READS the email. it would be NICE if she READ it. like really took the time to read it carefully, not just scroll through it and delete it, a long creepy email from that creep.

i would be a creep if i knew her for a couple weeks or months. but i knew her a lot longer than that. i knew her long enough to where i felt i actually KNEW her and she knew me. that’s what so devastating to me, is that i don’t think she’s showing THAT relationship the respect it deserves. you dont have to like what happened, but at least respect the foundation that came before.

this is what i said in the email, tho in a MUCH nicer way hahahaha.

shit sometimes i worry i might be a damn abuser, i just never got close enough to a woman to abuse them. they dump me before a long term rel can start, you gotta have a long term rel as a prerequisite for true abuse hahahaha. i worry about it because i can get really obsessed about and angry at women when shit goes wrong. like what would happen if i had an actual long term gurlfran and we had a big fight. would i flip out and beat her? i really couldnt see myself beating a woman, but i could see myself like grabbing their arm maybe, or punching the wall hahahaha. i have punched walls and thrown shit and broken shit before when i get super angry like once every couple years or so hahahaha.

i dunno. i don’t think i would be a true abuser. i definitely have a temper though. but i couldn’t see myself BEATING anyone unless they were ATTACKING me and i was trying to defend myself.

but yeah everything just went so wrong. i wish i didnt work with her, or i wish it were more possible to work with her, so then i could still have my job to go to and make money and get my mind off her. well, kinda hard to get my mind off her IF SHES THERE!!!!!!

and just as the situation with her was unsustainable, the situation with the godawful job was unsustainable. maybe everything happening at once like this was GODS PLAN. A SIGN FROM GOD.