posting day might be halloween, now all the young women can add another secs partner to their numbers. good job whores. way to profane everything sacred. sex, relationships, human life. if you want to destroy a culture, you destroy its women and make them into maneating monsters.

i cant even say she did this because she is showing her true colors as a horrible person. i fooking wish she WERE a horrible person, because it would allow me to make sense of this, and say, “reap what you sow.” but she will prob continue being a saint to everyone and i will be the One Solitary Skeleton in her closet. and i have no reason to Warn OTher Men about her, because she will probably make a Nice Wife to some Lucky Man.

that or this even will start off years of running and avoiding and lying and this will be the beginning of her downfall as she finally crosses the rubicon into a life of whorish dissolution!

we do have one mutual friend, who if they see her ever again, might ask about me, and then what would she say? probably “Oh he got all creepy and began acting really really weird to me and i didnt feel comfortable any more, so i just had to cut him out of my life. it was for my own good.” and then make me the total bad guy.

it sucks when just wanting to talk about a problem in your Relationship makes YOU the creepy weird psycho where the person is right to Ghost you!

You WANT Communication? you cant HANDLE Communication!

well see it was because i was pushing the wrong way, for the wrong type of communication. after several months, i should have stopped asking her to hang out, because i was the bad guy for not Respecting her wishes to hang out, and at THAT point, wrote a damn email or phone call.

in the old days, they would have done a phone call or a Postal Letter.

I just thought she thought more of me as a person than that! had more respect for me! she used to have respect for me!

yeah well respect is earned not given out. so as soon as i stopped earning it, she stopped giving it.

hahahahahaha secsless loveless relationships with women are such hard work, they are just not worth it hahaha.

i didnt realize i had stopped earning it! but i stopped earning it the moment i broadcasted that things had changed, the moment i began texting her a little bit more.

before The Change i would not text her a lot and she would often text me first.

after the change I began texting her a lot more regularly.

i figure my texting was the number one most obvious signal on my part. you dont start texting somebody this much more unless you Like Like them.

it wasnt 9000000000000 times a day, but it was a noticeable difference from what it was. i noticed it, she noticed it. more texting, more invitations to hang out. pretty noticeable signal.

so i guess after a few months of that i got more and more impatient and she began losing respect and that made it possible for her to flush me away like a piece of shit.

i thought she had more of a CONSCIENCE than that!

i VETTED her! she passed my tests! over years! i knew and trusted her! i expected so much more out of her! if she was a piece of shit like so many women i would have just not Gotten Involved with her at all! but she was DIFFERENT! Not All Women Are Like That! Some Are Different!

well found a nice 3.2 mile route i can walkjog, and found a nice little new park in there that i had never been to. 1.6 miles from my house in a neighborhood. it was small but had some nice trees and little trails and once you got in it was a lot bigger than it seemed.

damn. i just thought she would have treated me better given our history, which IMHO warranted at least a conversation of sorts, rather than a permanent cold shoulder. this is not the work of a trustworthy person. next thing you know she will graduate onto cheating.

50% of people graduate to cheating. i never did ahahaha. prob because i was never in a real rel ahahaha.

ask the average man whats the worst thing you ever did to a woman. he failed to do one thing perfect and was dumped coldly for doing one thing only 99% correct. failed to live 100% up to a womans ridiculous standards and was dumped/cheated on in favor of a socipathic cheater. well i guess a sociopathic cheater WOULD be a better MATCH for a WOMAN!

ask the average woman whats the worst thing she ever did to a man. she has secs with 900000 other guys including him, cucks him, makes him raise another mans child, cheats on him with his best friend, ruins his life, breaks his heart, reduces him to a broken shell. completely changes overnight and does a total 180 from a decent person into a horrible person. mind boggling evil that boggles your mind that a Human Being can be capable of such evil; makes you question if Women are indeed Human Beings. they do such awful things that make you never trust women again, make you very suspicious of any woman. even the good ones do very very very bad things.

im saying that women are worse to men, on average, than men are to women.

weird. i have have had shittier women End Things in a better way with me, than a Decent Woman.

why does it even matter if shes a decent woman or not, if she ended it in a shitty way, and i will never talk to her again? because she is gonna go be Decent with other people but not me?

definitely i get DABD all at once, but i am feeling notable anger now!

is it bargaining if you’re not bargaining WITH them?

well yeah because this is meant for people who died. like you bargain with GOD to bring your loved ones back to life.

also you cant get ANGRY at someone dying. although i know many people do.


i am super nervous about making a damn phone call about a damn medical bill question where i believe i was charged twice what i expected. and i dont know if it is a just some kind of error, or if they scammed me with confusing bait and switch shit and i signed up without fully understanding. oh its not a 50% discount for people with no insurance, its you just pay 50% now and then 50% a month later when we bill you.

because i worry they wont understand my question; and that i wont be able to articulate my question; and that i wont understand their explanation; adn that i wont be able to stand up for my rights; and that i am perfect for getting scammed; and that i will sound like an asshole; and that when we used to take phone calls noone knew what they were doing and would just bullshit all day; so therefore when you call ANYONE with a question, they dont know what theyre doing and are bullshitting you; and you cant talk to Smart Person because in OUR job we wouldnt LET you talk to a smart person; and us dumb people resented the smart people for not training us properly and making us look like idiots all day, struggling to do things we dont know how to do, giving the worst bullshit explanations or just saying i dont know and i cant find out for you because i dont understand the shit and this particular thing there is no explanation for, but One Does Not Simply Talk To Someone Who Actually Understands Things. Can I talk to a manager? Hhahahahahahahaha absolutely not. first of all you dont really mean manager because they just manage and dont know how to do shit. but the person you really need to talk to, the person who really understands stuff, or who at least can bullshit better, theres not enough of them. its like expecting to talk to the president. or ceo of a company. we are the gatekeepers to keep you AWAY from them.

i would probably appreciate it if they were more forthcoming about us being Gatekeepers, and gave us Direct Training on How To Be An Effective Gatekeeper. but you had to figure all that out on your own.

and talking to somebody who actually understands is the hardest thing in the world. because there is such a low supply of people who actually understand the issues and the people whose jobs it is, to Explain Things They Dont Really Understand, understandably say Fook This Shit, and quit! only to be replaced by other people who dont understand, and so on and so forth, so the only people who stick around are those who learn to Bullshit.

I was better at the job when i had more confidence. you need a lot of confidence to bullshit all day. and when shit went bad with the woman, who was there working with me, confidence fell to an all time low.

stupid to have confidence so dependent on women. women who can do a 180 overnight. go from being a long term friend, to being a total stranger you never knew. overnight. hahahaha.

no it wasnt really overnight, it was a process that occured over 10 months, it just felt like overnight because there was no real communication, so it was easy for me to Not See the gradual distancing.

i didnt think things were THAT BAD, and i thought we would eventually figure shit out. i dont see that as denial on my part, rather i was just flat out mistaken. i was reading the situation wrong. i wasnt reading it right, then denying it. i was just mistaken. SORELY mistaken. which was (mis)guided by my optimism, or, more accurately, the idea that a negative outcome would be unimaginable. and it was. it was the worst thing ever!

but secure normalfags dont get dumped and then their life falls apart. they manage to carry on.

well i am not a secure normalfag obviously!

also i would say that in at LEAST 50% of Severe Dumpings, the people do NOT work together. that was really the crux of the whole situation there.

or if they do, its like a restaurant where people only last 6 months tops, with some blatant whore waitress.

where here, people would linger 2 or 3 years in the entry level job, well, 50% of them, and the other 50% would quit or get fired within like 3 months!

also she was not a blatant crazy whore waitress, and i thought our relationship Meant Something because we had known each other for almost 3 years.

well it meant something to me, and it meant nothing to her.

well thats not even true. it USED to mean something to her, and maybe it still does, but she was too Something to talk about it. scared, angry, annoyed, immature, cowardly?

but it was all my fault because i didnt know how to communicate properly.

fook that! you think SHE knew how to communicate properly?!?!?!?! absolutely not! for that reason it is 60 40 fault at least. the 60 on her hahahaha. i clearly wanted to communicate and she didnt even WANT to communicate.




looking for older posts on here where i talk about the female

this one written in august 2014 is an early one saying we are just platonic and its weird i dont like her. finally posted in november 14 but actually HAPPENED in aug14.

go to posts from December 2014 and you see the stuff written in october 2014 and you see it starting. i had not gone crazy yet, and i wanted to resolve it as soon as possible, and she was blowing me off for the first time but it hadnt become a frustrating pattern yet. things were still OK.

its fascinating. i think the change started in late september, then during early october i was lukewarm, and by late october/early novermber i was all in. and i was fairly cheerful and optimistic we would hang out soon and talk. either way it became a HUGE TOPIC in late sept and thru october, where before it was not. and it has continued to be a big topic ever since.

lets see posts from january 2015

life happening in november 2014

and by this time she was “in a distant phase” and i was gonna “rein it in”

and struggled with reining it it vs her distant phase for the next 9 months hahahahahahahaha

but she was only being distant because i was FAILING to rein it in

and i was failing to rein it in because she NEVER stopped being distant lol

feb 2015, posts from later november 14, i was already feeling rejected, i think she had confessed about the boifran to me, saying thats why ive been so distant, meaning i HAD to rein it in.

yeah then basically nothing changed. the ball remained in her court and there was damn nothing i could do except “play it cool” and i just could not do it real well. by december i was already writing stupid text drafts. should have blurted it out then.

it is interesting to look at the posts from before then, i seemed more at peace, although still incorrigible and hopeless hahahaha. but the DECLINE certainly started then in october.

notice how i wanted to Get Out In Front Of It and Take The Bull By The Horns, and fully expected us to hang out in october, where i would Talk about Things, playfully Touch her, etc.

and she fairly quickly became distant and i tried to Roll With It, but it was difficult and she never relented and i never relented, it was a bit of a cold war right from early on that just got colder. until i finally blew up.

but the most shocking thing is how you THINK you KNOW someone, and they CHANGE so drastically.

i am well aware how Awful Women can do a 180 in a heartbeat and destroy your life. i have been well aware for years, ever since i became an MRA MGTOW, years before i ever MET her ahahahaha.

i thought i had developed a good RADAR in other words, and i wouldn’t become close to somebody who showed Warning Signs like promiscuity, flakiness, craziness, untrustability.

its harder to become Friends than “lovers” because bitches will have secs with ANYBODY, people they dont even KNOW. Friendship is much harder, a higher hurdle, because you have to LIKE, RESPECT, and TRUST the person over TIME. and how the hell can you do that with a WOMAN.

so if i was willing and indeed even ABLE to be her FRIEND, that means she had to be of a pretty good character, to pass that TEST.

and looking at it like this, it makes SENSE that a female FRIEND would make a good lover: because you like, respect, and trust them over time.

so all the more surprising when she flaked out on me like some god damn random crazy bitch. she wasnt a god damn random crazy bitch! whyd she act like one to me!

if she were a random crazy bitch, i never would have been FRIENDS with her for two years, where we knew and trusted each other!

SHE threw that all away, not me! I didn’t force myself to get feelings for her!

Well, in truth, I tried to force myself to get feelings, and then soon after, i got feelings. but i dont feel they CAME FROM the forcing, if that makes any sense.

really the most direct and important cause, judging by what i wrote, was learning about her New Boyfriend. There were other causes but that was the main one. I didn’t expect her to be dating someone so soon, and so i started thinking, if him, then why not me? i’m a better guy for her than this scumbag! and i really was!

but if i could be SO WRONG about her, i could be wrong about any woman.

if a woman can fly under the radar of my Long Term Friendship test and I could STILL not know or trust her…..that does not bode well for my Trust Issues with Women. [this sounds like i am a niceguy trying to convert friends to lovers. this is not the case. i was trying to convert a friend to a lover, BUT this big Paradigm Shift did not happen until well AFTER a healthy longterm friendship had been established. knowledge and trust. then i started to get feelings after that. when i first met her, she was in an LTR, and I was getting over woman2012, and was nowhere near ready to have feelings for a woman.] and it totally makes sense how your wife of 10 years could suddenly snap on you and GHOST you and your money and children. you cant even trust the women you think you can trust. how can i ever trust a woman ever again? there weren’t any warning flags with her!

well, she had a somewhat troubled family but they still were allright i guess, more importantly, she didnt have a personal history of horrible behavior, a string of shady lovers, etc

you don’t have secs with a lot of people because it is a healthy risk as well as an emotional risk. you risk getting aids or the clap. and you think these crazy sleazy bitches are insisting the sleazy men wear rubbers? fook no they are just getting drunk and have diseased raw dawg secs. fooking disgusting degenerates. let them all get aids.

and then give it to poor virgins like us the first and only time we have secs hahahahaha.


these millennials they say they “adapt to change” well because their lives are always changing, i say they treat people as disposable and replaceable so its impossible to have a long term rel with millennials, because every person has an expiration date for them. they also treat secs like nothing and it does not help solidify relationships. 99% of millennials who get married will be divorced within 5 years. because people just expire.

i am angry because she did not treat me with the respect that our 2 years of friendship deserved. period. of course that respect started fading on HER end 10 months ago. it didnt just happen overnight. our shit was DONE 10 months ago.

dont look at what they say, look at what they do. she never lifted a FINGER to Meet Me Halfway!

she dumped me with great disrespect because i wanted to communicate and she didnt want to communicate AT ALL, that she would rather avoid/ignore/cold shoulder/ghost / never talk to me again, than even talk to me ONCE. because thats how bad i am!

but yeah i think i deserved more respect. i honestly thought she would give me more respect! I thought she did still respect me, despite our recent tensions! we still did small talk sometimes and she would be nice to me once in a while. i just thought she respected me more, thats whats so shocking.

next time you have secs with a millennial, immediately after you’re done, say ok see ya, im going to have sex with other gurls now, see ya. what you think this means something? its just secs babe, dont get jealous or creepy or get feelings. by the way i have very potent sperm and might have gotten you pregnant, so just get an abortion if you need. see ya.

but how many broken hearted me sit there when some bitch has dumped them saying “I THOUGHT I MEANT MORE TO HER THAN THAT!!!!!!!” millions. you think somebody cares for you but they don’t, they’d just as soon WALK and never see or talk to you again.

yes, it is amazing how you think you know a person, after years, but you dont know them at all, and they have NO regard for you. heck yes that is hard on the fragile insecure ego hahahaha. you think you mean something to a person, but you mean NOTHING. and you’re not even an abuser!

was watching intervention and they had “suzon” the crack addict. her parents set her up for failure because her father was an abusive asshole and her mother was a Codependent Drama Queen. she had a baby at age 15 with some deadbeat. she got married at like age 23 to a successful beta male and had 2 more kids.

he developed a Crush on a Coworker and felt guilty about it so he told his wife. he didnt even Act on the Crush or Cheat. the wife was so devastated by his Emotional Betrayal that she had an affair with an Exciting, Fun, Badboy Abusive Asshole who introduced her to drugs, left her husband and had tons of secs with the badboy, then she got into Crack and destroyed her life.

i can see how the beta husband wanted to clear his conscience. and i can understand being upset when your partner has feelings for somebody else. but i would imagine in most cases they would just go ahead and cheat. i have never heard of someone so beta they would confess the feelings before they cheated. that was clearly the husbands fatal mistake. he should have just cheated or said nothing at all. then everything would have worked out.

he was just too honest and moral and ethical.

i hate that we live in such a world, where doing the right thing just screws you. no good deed goes unpunished. then SHE goes and does actual cheating ASAP.

well for a young mother she was still decent looking. the crack kept her down to a healthy 88 pounds hahahahahahaha. no i kid that is pretty bad. but i cant say i’d prefer an obese woman either!

oh well the husband was still a successful rich docker so it doesnt matter that his decent looking but degenerate trash wife left him and became a crack addict. he can still find a decent looking woman who hopefully doesnt cheat on him and smoke crack.

beta husband says i am worried about our relationship, lets talk, i was tempted to cheat but i didnt, lets communicate.

bitch wife says im not willing to communicate at all, im gonna full blown cheat on you ASAP with the first badboy i can find, and really ruin everything.


her pathetic son “attempted suicide” because he was so upset about his mother becoming a crack whore. i really cant blame him, i would be upset too.

that boys father was never once mentioned, the mother just got pregnant at age 15 and had a baby, thats it. then she met captain save a ho.

i never want to be captain save a ho!

well i guess she was a good mother to her children before she became a cheating crack addict.

but it was amazing how she would throw her whole life and family away rather than Communicate with her damn husband. bitches will do this. they will have secs with strangers but god forbid they communicate with their damn husbands.

and see if i told her, i think i deserve more respect from you than this, she would say, well did YOU show ME any respect when you constantly were pressuring me to hang out?

of course then i would say back, it wasn’t about hanging out, it was about talking about the elephant in the room, i just wanted to hang out so we could discuss a Sensitive Topic privately and in person, which i dont think is unreasonable. and i think pressuring you to do that constantly is nowhere near as disrespectful as you unilaterally cutting off all communication. nowhere near.



heh. playing free poker tournament, a “freeroll”, because i am a valued member of the site. i could win like 1 dollar of real money if i beat out 95% of the poeple in the tournament hahaha.

i hate tournaments because it just seems like you would make more money in ring games, i rarely play tournaments, i will only ever play free tournaments, but last one i did, i placed and made like 50 cents hahahaha.

the trick is getting a big pot EARLY. and i managed to do that today. so i am actually placing right NOW. I am 8th out of 58 people. it only pays up to 8 though. and i was at 7. i could easily be knocked out unless i start winning pots again.

but early on i was more willing to play recklessly, because fook tournaments. that very aggressiveness was what won me the pot that made me place.

holy shit i just did another reckless fook it move, and won a HUGE pot, blowing 2 people out of the tournament, i had AK suited, so it was a good hand, but still, that was ridiculous and awesome for me. bumped me up from 8th to 4th. hmm thought it would send me to first. nope.

a smallish pot here just took me to 3rd. damn. i might win 25 cents today! hahahaa. but i gotta leave before i can finish this. i guess i should just sit out and not shove it all in at that time.

3rd place out of 58, thats not bad. that could get you a 12DAHJob. that is top 5%. that should be good enough to get you a woman AND a job.

i might have been a little shitty, but i didnt deserve to get GHOSTED.

you keep saying that word, i dont think it means what you think it means!

in other words, i caused my own ghosting by leaving the job where i saw the woman all the time.

but it sheds light on another similar and difficult situation: the cold shoulder.

so, cold shoulder is probably better than ghosting. because eventually cold shoulder ends. because you get mad and confront the person and have a big argument and then its over and youre the bad guy hahahaha.

she didnt intend to ghost, she just intended to cold shoulder.

cold shoulder is like ghosting when you still See the person hahahaha.

holy shit another ballsy all in with AA for me! and i won! and i am still in 3rd place. a pretty solid 3rd though. i was totally ready to be gone. i hate tournaments for all the reason i hate this game, and tournaments just magnify and intensify all that. so why do i do well at tournaments, but bad at ring games, when i like ring games more? because of luck. i am on a hot streak on tournaments and a cold streak in ring games.

but really the cold shoulder was too much for me to take! never mind the ghost!

so i forced her to ghost in other words! she was only prepared to cold shoulder!

well, the rational response to that is, she could have always responded to my 3 fooking emails. or the 1 email that came before the shit hit the fan.

havent i ever cold shouldered anyone? yes. i cold shouldered my college roomate who cold shouldered me first! then we grew  to hate each other so much and never reconciled and i was glad to never see him again!

i cold shoulder some of my friends when they have disappointed me, like throwing their lives away on addictions.

is that shitty and cowardly of me? sort of. course i think me cold shouldering that guy is better than her cold shouldering me. i wasnt disappointing her over many years with my self destructive behavior so many people have gotten burnt out on trying to get me to stop. i just wanted to talk to her about an elephant that had been growing for about 10 months. not many years, but still long enough to become a decent elephant.

really she was just scared of conflict and elephants so she just started with cold shoulder, not premeditated, just like a cornered animal acting emotionally, just like i was. we both acted emotionally. but i wanted to communicate, she wanted to avoid. at any cost.

so yeah i cant hate her too much. she wasnt thinking, i wasnt thinking. in fact i was MORE emotional, i was thinking LESS, because i completely fell apart. i couldnt do my job. because seeing her at our job broke my heart daily. i had to get out. if it were a better job and i didnt have a safety net, i would have stayed, carried on as best i could. but so many times i said, this job isnt worth it. also i had more of a safety net than she did, she needed the job more. also she didnt like me, so she was less emotionally compromised. but still emotionally compromised enough to act really fookin stupid to me.

well everyone gets emotionally compromised in diff ways. i was EC and a still wanted to talk, which was very reasonable! but me being unable to do my job, quitting job, that was all EC. for her the EC didnt involve her doing her job, it involved her cold shouldering and avoiding me.

still she COULD have responded to any of those FOUR emails.

hehe all in early in the tourney with AA, won it. funny, i often lose with AA!!!!! yes im FOOLISHLY playing another free tourney, simply because none of these assholes are playing ring games like I really want! they all prefer tounaments, like assholes!!!!!!!!

yes maybe its my fault for escalating from cold shoulder to ghost.

but not REALLY, because it was in her power to prevent that. but not my power! i couldnt force her to respond to my emails, just like i couldnt force her to communicate with me for the previous 10 months!

yeah this would be very frustrating for a secure person, but for an insecure person like me, it is absolutely devastating. i have made SOME progress though. maybe even 7%. i forgot i think thats like 550 days and not 600 days to Get Over Her hahahaha. to Fully Accept.

but yeah. being in the position where you are trying to get someone to communicate about something bothering you. you friend should respect you enough to communicate with you. even if they are having personal issues. i am not asking for the expertise of a brain surgeon. i just wanted her to listen and respond imperfectly. just two emotional humans talking and trying to figure things out before getting overly emotional.

well i sent the email on monday and i know if i were still workign there, the only way i could respond to anything like that, socialize, hang out with friends, do chores, do ANYTHING not related to work, studying work, worry about work, and worried trying and failing to sleep, the only time i would get a break from that, is the weekend, friday night thru sunday, and that is starting right now.

of course what i would have done is immediately respond with a short email (or text) even on a work night, saying “thank you for the thoughtful email. i would be happy to talk to you and to read this fully and respond to it fully. but i am super busy and will have to do that this weekend. please do not expect a reply before sunday. thank you. talk soon. your friend, the bald lazy loser failure.”  something like that, which shows i got their email, i am concerned and engaged, but that i just have to wait before i can respond. send them 1 polite sentence saying “GOT IT! will respond within 1 week, too busy to respond now.” can send via email or text.

of COURSE i didnt get anything like that from her!

like if a long lost friend emails me or calls me out of the blue and i dont want or cant respond RIGHT NOW. I still send them something RIGHT NOW saying thank you and i WILL respond later. then i write them a LONG email which i send in a week or less.

but yeah its amazing how people have SEX without even KNOWING each other. sex is a powerful thing which is MEANT to bind people closer together in love. that is the way nature designed it. by trying to separate sex and luv, you just fook yourself up emotionally and become a degenerate creep who cant form proper relationships.

you shouldnt fook people you just met, who you dont KNOW, who you dont RESPECT, who you dont TRUST. treat SEX with some god damn RESPECT.

and so many people DONT, because they are taught NOT to, by media and schools! and college!

going away to college is such a degenerate thing which ruins so many people. it kinda ruined me. i wish i had stayed at home longer and just gone to college near home.

there were strongholds of decency in the degenerate college culture, like uhhhh college conservatives or college traditionalist clubs, but i had no interest in the religious stuff at the time, and also I WANTED To experience the degeneracy, I WANTED to “experiment sexually and discover myself sexually.”

well, that’s onyl partially true, I ALSO wanted a Real Gurlfrand and would have been more than happy with that, and i also saw college as an opportunity to make that happen.

I could not make either degenerate sex, or a meaningful gurlfran relationship happen. failed on both fronts. the only college thing i experiences was the decadent degeneracy of “partying” too much. and it was not even for hedonistic fun. it was mainly to escape disappointment and loneliness and feeling like a weird failure during the prime of my life, in an opportunity i knew i was wasting. so i intoxicated myself on alcohol and MJ whenever possible. not in a fun party setting with gurls. we didnt KNOW any gurls. (all in with KK. lost to like 89 hahahaha. still in tourney with VERY small stack. will be eaten up within next two big blinds.)

but it was ridic not to KNOW any gurls, we were SURROUNDED by cute young girls. but thats how bad my social skills and confidence were!

when i finally made friends, they were also social outcasts. and we just smoked MJ and didnt know any girls or really any social cool people.

that finally changed my “senior year” when i made a whole new group of friends and suddenly became very social overnight and finally got the Social Experience I had been looking for. but it was overwhelming and i overreacted and really fooked up academically in response. but i did make some good friends and good memories that last to this day. but i also royally fooked stuff up that affects me to this day. and this led to women 1 thru 4, which were all abject failures. but at least i got laid, lost muh virginity, and made out with 2 whole gurls hahahahaha. but there were huge cons to go with the pros. namely i fooked up my academic career because i was too emo about gurls, and too stupid about alcohol and MJ, that I missed the boat, to make my useless degree actually be useful, by buffing up my performance to be grad skool worthy. i just said fook it, fook grad skool, and moved back home and been a huge loser ever since for the next 10 years hahahaha. with no real career and no real gurlfran ever.

all in just to make the big blind with 8 3 (unsuited hahahaha). finished 21 out of 76. not horrible i guess. still no ring games going. assholes.

now about 4 of those 10 years i wasted with drinking too much. then i stopped drinking and started doing a little better: taking classes, working a job that i didnt quit within months, albeit a very low paying impossible to live off not real job job.

then met woman2015 in 2012 and she was really the best thing to happen to me in those 10 years, or at least near it. i had a female friend i could trust, she helped me get a new job, a proper job, and eventually i fell in luv with her, felt i found the perfect woman.

and now its all gone again hahaha. well GOD has to test us sometimes. like with Job.

i dunno maybe some peopel LIKE their open relationships. i think the important thing is that you agree with your partner on what you both want. i would prefer a closed rel. i would only want to do an open rel if i didnt like the person that much, and wanted to hold out for someone better! like muh woman2015 boo hooooooo

i guess everybody has their own definitions of luv. but i would guess there are several large categories.

for me, true luv is

  1. do you want to date this person monogamously in a long term rel for at least a year
  2. when you hear ridic van morrison songs like into the mystic, tupelo honey, brown eyed girl, does it make you think of this gurl
  3. she is yer “best gurl”
  4. you dont want to be with anyone else
  5. you feel comfortable with them
  6. you respect each other
  7. you accept each other for who you are
  8. you actually know each other
  9. shit isnt rushed too fast
  10. your love for them feels unconditional
  11. they brighten your day when you see them
  12. they lift you up more than other people
  13. butterflies, fuzzy feels, daydreaming
  14. you cant imagine living without them
  15. you know that it ended would be devastating…..and it is
  16. you have met their family
  17. you want to take a mini vacation with them, like just go to a beach cottage for the weekend during the summer
  18. you are very attracted to them, you know there are other attractive women in the world, but you just dont care, because this one gurl is more than good enough for you
  19. you want to marry them and grow old with them
  20. you want to have children with them
  21. you think of a long term future together, 5 , 10, 20 years from now
  22. you will fight to fix any problems and resolve any issues
  23. you are all in
  24. you are in it for the long haul
  25. you have special feelings
  26. you like them more than you like other women
  27. you would never want to cheat on them
  28. having secs is honestly Making Luv
  29. you luv cuddling with them
  30. you are perfectly happy just to stay in and watch tv with them and cuddle
  31. you would do grosser secs things with them than you would do with randos, like have sweaty dirty havent showered in 3 days secs
  32. rando peoples body odor is disgusting but Smelling Her BO gets you horned up
  33. you feel a real honest connection with them. a strong connection.
  34. you would make sacrifices for them
  35. you honestly would change for them, or try to change for them
  36. you feel like two peas in a pod
  37. you feel like they are an actual partner or companion
  38. you feel intimate with them
  39. you want to have good communication with them
  40. you want to make a good mix cd for them
  41. you like giving them nice presents and want to give them thoughtful presents
  42. you write them mushy cards with the christmas and birthday presents
  43. you write them sentimental mushy messages with heart symbols
  44. you would get jealous if they wanted other guys
  45. you know their values and morals and are compatible with them
  46. you imagine your Wedding Day once in a great while and react positively to the image of them standing before you and GOD wearing a white dress

so as you can see, i have a very limiting, controlling, abusive version of love hahahahaha. but i would say a decent number of people share my vision of True Luv. this is what i felt for her.



yeah i think i am starting to move on thank god, over a month later. i mean i am not out of the woods at all. as i say, this is no better than 6% recovery. 6 percent in like 37 days. equals 100 percent in….. draw the two fractions and solve for x….using wolfram alpha to do this fairly quickly…. 617 days????? are you fooking KIDDING me???

almost TWO YEARS? to get over this bullshit?

maybe. the internet agrees, or at least the normal well adjusted normalfags of the internet agree, that Ghosting is a veyr painful way of getting dumped.

i do feel a bit vindicated after reading about that ghosting.

the media writes about it because of charlize theron. i think in THAT case, the Ghosting was Atrocious. she is a grown ass 40 year old woman who should know better; she was dating sean penn for a while in terms of hollywood things, at least 6 months, and ghosting is only acceptable for Perfect Strangers and Less Than 3 Dates; which they were not. So the articles should be slamming charlize for being a huge immature B and treating him with such disrespect.

thats what it all boils down to: you show the person NO RESPECT AT ALL. it HURTS to be DISRESPECTED in such a way, when you are not used to receiving such extreme disrespect from others, especially those who once respected you. it just doesnt add up.

i didn’t ABUSE her. I just pushed her to communicate, because there was an elephant in the room that any mature adult would agree needed to be communicated about.

but i was abusive and toxic because i pushed in the wrong way, or too hard, or in a toxic way. i was communicating wrong about wanting to communicate. jesus christ.

ok redoing that wolfram thing. say i am SEVEN percent Over It, then to get to 100 percent would only be… 529 days. ok little better. you see what a difference 1 percent makes! its at a very quickly changing region of the graph.

6 % ….. 617 days

7 % …. 529 days. uhhh expect to be over it end of december 2016. nice.

8 % …. 463 days

9 %…. 411 days

10%….370 days.

well wait. how do i make it a god damn straight line. i am getting a curved line. i want a straight line. i want to know it takes x days to Get Over It Y percent. consistently.

so, 6 percent in 37 days is approx 1 percent in 6 days. therefore, 100 percent in 600 days.


well, THAT graph IS curved because each situation represents a different RATE OF CHANGE. what the rate of change DEPENDS on is whether i am at 6 percent or 7 percent etc right now! So that is really an important decision to make!

welp, in that time i could probably start and finish HVAC training skool, although probably not find a job as well hahaha.

i kind of think that is what GOD is calling me to, sort of, and all this is another signal.

hahahaha I wish GOD communicated DIRECTLY using actual words, rather than using stupid SIGNALS like a COWARDLY IMMATURE WOMAN.


i have a very adversarial, not very friendly relationship with GOD. I resent his absolutely control over my immortal soul. I wish he were a better GOD hahahaha.

why, because i want to jerk off, and have premarital secs, and use birth control, and permit end of life cancer euthanasia, and have the option of abortion maybe be legal?

well yes because its ALL a slippery slope towards degeneracy, immorality, evil, and damnation! all a slippery slope away from GOD!

this article and series of articles was very instructive for me recently, cant remember if i posted them here, but they are valuable enough to be posted again and again.

a young man who found college only Set Him Up For Failure, because he naively didnt get a STEM degree, so his story has lots of paralells to mine. so after he graduated and couldnt find a job, he became an HVAC man and makes more than he would in an Entry Level Job with a Useless Degree.

he tells the stories of 3 or 4 of his peers, how they are in a similar boat, and how they are struggling in very sad ways, to become adults, throughout their entire 20s, and will more than likely become manchild failures, terminally underemployed or unemployed, in Toxic Relationships with Shitty Women, at best, and terminally forveralone at worst.

great set of articles. another sign from GOD for me.

top one is the first artcile, talk about his own story. here are the ones where he talks about his friends stories:

the mystic, a college dropout loser who got into buddhism in the worst possible way, to become a depressed nihilist loser and completely aimless

the gamer, another college dropout who smokes weed all the time and is content doing that and working as a waiter

the emt, another college dropout who is probably the most successful of the 3, got emt training, got a steady emt job, got a gurlfran, but the gurlfran sucks and he is still too beta to demand respect and demand a better woman. but at least he is much more gainfully employed than the other two college dropouts.  almost as gainfully employed as the college graduate in a trade skool job hahahaha.

lesson learned, dont go to college, go to trade skool. if you do go to college, do a stem degree, focus on your post graduation JOB ASAP, like RIGHT AWAY, like First Year or earlier, so you can get into it IMMEDIATELY after graduating, and do NOT get sucked into college debauchery or degeneracy.

well, if you’re a man, and you are able to pull Easy College Pvssy, i say go ahead, to build your confidence by banging many young beautiful women.

but that’s risky because you may get your heart broken by Flaky Gurls who just want sex, as happened to several of the guys in these stories.

definitely dont drink and party too much because it will hurt your mind and sidetrack your focus on your Career.

i mean you have to be Career Oriented from DAY ZERO if you are gonna go to college……. which is pushed on 100% of Smart Kids in high school.

great set of stories, related a lot with them, thought about getting in contact with the author, best set of articles ive read all year. read them, save them, print them out and give them to your children, if you can ever be gainfully employed and meet a good enough woman to HAVE children. or god isnt calling you to be a childless ascetic beggar virgin hahahaha.

anyway the slant of the website is pretty rightist and even somewhat racialist, so that makes it a far-right neo-nazi site, which may lessen its credibility to Moderates. but this set of stories doesnt get too much into Race i assure you!

i dont see a problem with talking about Race anyway. this is all part of eric holders brave conversation about race hahahaha. also the news says that RACE is like the number ONE or TWO topic in the presidential campaign. race IS a big deal, elephant in the room.

a less scary way of framing it, for whites afraid to talk or think about race lest they get on the sippery slope to becoming an evil closed minded stupid ignorant racist redneck bigot hater antisemite homophobe, is to think about “multiculturalism” and think about has the Melting Pot Experiment really worked out for the best in the past 60 years or so?

i told you i was a racist hahaha dont you read the about page. but i dont turn nonwhites away. i respect that there are nonwhites who are also depressed anxious lazy losers who need help and moral support. you are more than welcome to get that from me. because of course we are all members of the human race.

besides, race is talked about all the time in college classes. always in a marxist antiwhite way, but just saying. we talk and think about race every damn day, get used to it. im just tired of all the white privilege talk and decided to go a different way. because im white and my white privilege was not enough to lift me out of loserness hahahaha. just like all the other white pro-whites. you find this same inferiority complex among all white pro-whites hahahaha. they are trying to compensate for their own personal failures at life hahahaha.

no thats the argument you always hear. and as someone who is a personal failure, it does hit a nerve! maybe the evil marxists are RIGHT!



welp i am glad i am sticking to walkjogging 5 to 6 miles a day. i still would like to lose about 20 pounds. have to lose 20 pounds before i could bang a gurl who is not totally gross hahahaha. i mean she still might be a single mother whore, but she will keep herself in shape enough to maybe look almost as good as a porno milf hahahaha.

i do not like pornography. i think it is degenerate and i am somewhat ashamed i watched so much of it during my Adolescence, and i wonder if that Screwed Me Up permanently. right now i only use it once or twice a week because i need something to look at because i cant use my imagination any more.

believe me, i much preferred to use my imagination! and imagine have tender Making Love with my Favourite Gal. but cant do that any more!

or even just imagine having nonloving casual sex with attractive real life women you see. that is much better than porno. like there were 2 other attractive women at my job i had imagined banging and it would be ok.

it really helps to actually know the women somewhat, like you see them regularly at skool, work, or socializing. i mean shit it was working together which first introduced The Woman and me. then we became friends, then we both moved from that easy job into a ridiculous job, which she was very pivotal in me getting! and we both moved to that new horrible job, remained friends, she broke up with her long term boifran which was not terribly unexpected, then i got feels, and then everything went to hell. i was able to to work with her for SEVEN fookin months while i had the feels though. so why couldnt i do it any more? what changed?

i guess the conflict had just built up TOO much.

also we had been sitting next to each other and working for about three full months BEFORE my feelings kicked in and then we worked seven more months. but that three months was pivotal for me being able to maintain during the next seven. also i was well used to talking on the phone during those first three months.

also at that point it was new and exciting, rather than the feel of an old sickness and you have now gotten so sick you want to puke.

you get physically sick, your body pukes. you get emotionally sick, you soul or spirit or emotions puke. thats essentially what happened.

i stole that from an episode of bishop sheen, i have been watching a little of him recently. brilliant man and ridiculously good speaker and communicator, but also super duper intense, and catholic as fook, for better and for worse. also he can seem creepy when you are young. but when you are old like me, you begin to appreciate that. i dont think he molested any boys.

i mean if i felt GOD was CALLING me to be anything, in the sense of Vocations, I always felt that Married Life was what i was being called to, because I had such a Special Interest in Long Term Relationships, and Love Relationships, and meeting The One, falling in Love, staying together for years, having children. this always naturally appealed to me. so its safe to say that is my CALLING, as opposed to Priesthood or Single life.

well sometimes you can THINK You are called to Married Life but you are actually called to unmarried life hahahaha.

and supposedly all this heartbreak and depression is GODS way of bringing you closer to him, and his will, not your own damn selfish will. getting married to a special woman for life and having children, fook that shit, GOD wants you to be single forever.

GOD wants you to be a huge virgin loser the rest of your life. GOD is also calling you to never be able to hold down a job and meet the demands of adult life.

in the old days i would have been a great “ascetic beggar on the edge of town.” just the religious bum with nothing or no one who looks frail and weak and lives on handouts but does it all for the LORD. but for the first 40 years or so of his life, he thought he was being called to Married Life, because he Appreciated and Respected Intimate Relationships so much hahahaha.

well appreciation and respect get you nowhere in life son, its survival of the fittest out there, dog eat dog world. and i never realized how much this was true! but just the insane competition to get ANYTHING in life. to get the shittiest job, you have to outcompete everybody. to get the shittiest woman, you have to outcompete all the men.

to get pieces of shit, you have to be perfect and super awesome hehehehehe. of course the wise awakened man chooses to opt out of this foolish game.

WOW. in late june early july and even right now, the media had a spike of stories about GHOSTING which became a meme: where you dump somebody by cutting off all contact with them, no explanation, just disappearing.

And, Jezebel argues, “generally a person worthy of ghosting has really done something really, truly terrible.” hahahahahahahaha

this one is not about ghosting but a cuck feminist man who loves when his wife fooks other men cuz it teaches him how to love, absolutely insane, good comments

is there any best way to reject a man, includes some ghosting, and women call a guy a creep cuz he was upset about being ghosted. because guys are so ENTITLED and have such a FRAGILE EGO they want to know WHY they were dumped. because they want to be TOLD they are being dumped, rather than GHOSTED. women are entitled to be immature pieces of shit who treat people with no respect.

well actually this guy prob was a real dbag judging from his twitter.

and then i go and write 9000000000 pages of blogs because i felt ENTITLED to a RESPONSE. I feel ENTITLED to Not Being Ghosted.

Well I must have been an ABUSER to get Ghosted.

anyway ghosting seems to be connected with Social Media and Social Dating Apps like Tinder where you date/fook a different person every night in NYC/LA after your job as a Senior Editor at age 28.

anyway, sane decent people, and not wacky NYC Senior Editors who treat people as disposeable, seem to agree that Ghosting is cowardly and immature and shitty and not something you should do if you’ve known the person for a while; or there is no abuse. and that for the psycho men that go crazy when being rejected nicely, they will probably go even more crazy when GHOSTED.

and that it is extremely painful, but that the person did you a favor by showing their hand as a bad person to be in a relationship with.

some jackass said its all about insecurity. secure people handle rejection well, insecure people handle rejection poorly. insecure people are the worst.

well sorrrrrrrry you fooking cvnt. jesus christ. FACT is NOBODY likes being rejection. rejection is painful for EVERYONE. sure i guess secure people DEAL with it a little better and arent COMPLETELY DEVASTATED like us insecure weaklings.

ghosting is also know as the slow fade, but i think thats misleading. its more like a Instantanteous Burnout. BOOM. the person is gone in an instant. they burn out in a fast xplosion, not fade away slowly. just blink and then theyve disappeared in the blink of an eye.

i have never been GHOSTED before hahahahahahahaha i am so happy theres a word for the pain i am suffering hahahaha.

its especially bad to get GHOSTED by someone you work with hahahaha.

so really i ghosted myself by quitting the job. maybe things would have gotten better and we would have communicated in a few weeks.

oh yeah. most sane mature healthy people on all these comment sections seems to agree that Open Honest Direct COMMUNICATION is always a good thing.  I knew i was not crazy in thinking that!

i was trying to communicate for 10 months, as there was a slow fade out there, as my efforts to communicate were constantly rejected.

then while we were still on speaking terms i did send an email saying PLEASE lets communicate, lets talk, I am hurt by what is happening, please we have to talk. she did not respond to that but just said she had read it. AND? did you have any thoughts about what i was trying to say? do you care that our relationship is dying? apparently not, becuase i am the bad guy, I broke it because I got feelings. god damn.

so TALK about it. mother of god. all i wanted to do was talk about it.

but i admit fault in that i was a slave to this idea of the In Person Private Heart To Heart. after like 3 months TOPS, I should have just confronted her on a damn cigarette break at work, and try to say as much as i could in 5 fooking minutes, and hope that Opens A Conversation, and then followed that up with long emails, hopefully an exchange of long emails on both sides.

its not like i met her on a Casual Sex App and we went out on Two Dates and I was Super Creepy! We were friends for two years, there was a connection for a while, she USED to accept me for who i was, it used to be much less one sided.

well if anything it was one sided with her having the feelings and me feeling weird about that. but i was still nice to her, i still responded to her, i still hung out with her!

in fact, i’ll never be sure if she liked me, or she was just being friendly! lots of guys make this mistake! and frankly i don’t WANT to know unless she comes back and wants to date me. it would do no good now for her to spitefully tell me “i did have feelings for you in july, you missed the boat, you fookin creep, october was too late, loser creep, have fun being alone and unlovable the rest of your life while i fook 900000000 men”


or the idea that with these CLINGY NEEDY GUYS, ANY COMMUNICATION give them false hope. ANY COMMUNICATION makes them creepier and clingier and more insecure. so communication is bad in these situations, with these weird mentally ill guys.

also. what about the classic DEAR JOHN LETTER. I dont know if that means the woman is cheating, what IM talking about is when a person abruptly leaves without warning, just packs their shit and they are GONE FOREVER, but at least they have the decency to leave a note!!!!!!!!!!


but nobody OWES anybody ANYTHING.

and of course your prejudices about the articles based on the publication they come from will be spot on prejudices most of the time, ie, slate, xojane, jezebel are all crap, huffpo, nytimes, nymag.

ie the types of pubs MOST LIKELY to write about ghosting.

no its not DISHONEST to ghost, because yes it sends the same difficult message of rejection as “i’m rejecting you now”.  but its just more COWARDLY, IMMATURE, and DISRESPECTFUL.

i should write her an email standing up for myself and say I Dont Deserve to be Ghosted! You are an immature coward who is disrespecting me!

no no i am done writing emails hahahaha.

i touched on a lot of these points in my emails, i just didnt know about the term “GHOSTING” until today, which i guess became a big news meme because thats how charlize theron dumped sean penn recently.

in my emails i used terms like freeze out and shut out and slam the door in my face and ignore entirely. maybe she wont know what i mean until i send her an email using the actual term “you GHOSTED me you know” hahahaha.

god damn.

but yeah i made the points over and over that communication was all i wanted, just to damn talk about the elephant in the room; and that we are both decent people who deserve respect, and that this could be ended more compassionate and humanely for me, please let me down softer, please treat me like a human being and not some weirdo on tinder one date, we had a meaningful friendship for two years, please respect that.

PLEASE RESPECT ME AS A HUMAN BEING hahahahaha its a bad sign when you have to TELL somebody that.

basically the only time ghosting is acceptable is if you had 1 or 2 dates, have not known each other for a long time, and there is not an abusive relationship.

oh but we had a TOXIC Relationship and that was all MY fault for being pushy and weird and not respecting her boundaries.

because i was being pushy about COMMUNICATION hahaha.

but im one of those insecure needy guys where COMMUNICATION IS BAD. so i dont deserve communication because i cant handle communication, and she demonstrates how much more emotionally mature she is than me by realizing this, and not giving me the communication i obviously cannot handle.

well when woman2012 dumped me the right way, with a sensitive, respectful, but no uncertain terms email, i sent an equally respectful email back and that was it, and i eventually got over her. and that was so much better than what happened here.

i was actually sort of “ghosted” by woman2004 (woman2) actually. this was before i had a cell phone hahaha. we hit it off real well and had secs but i was scared about dating because everything was moving so fast and i had never dated somebody before. then i couldnt get ahold of her. i called her regularly but nothing.

i think it was something like “my phone is out of order”.

then i heard she was handing out with x boifrans and i was like damn. i got mad and decided to stop trying to contact her. i was in the right of course.

then 3 months later it was eating me alive and like an idiot i tried to reestablish contact by calling her in like november. that was one of the top 10 hardest phone calls of my life. still dont know how i did it. but then amazingly we began hanging out again, making out, and i could have banged her too, but i felt it was just too fast.

so she made out with me and hung out with me but also started hanging out and making out and eventually banging this other guy in my social circle, and i had to be ok with that, because now we were “dating” even LESS than we had been 3 months before!

then i got angry at her, RIGHTFULLY, and ceased talking to her, maybe i ghosted her! then she started dating her old boifrand. who himself entered into the social circle so i saw her again a few months later.

then she stopped dating him. then she found me one day and apologized for being a flaky bitch. i truly appreciated that. it was good for her to Woman Up like that. we started making out again. but hanging out regularly became tough, she would not respond so much. then i saw her hanging out with this handsome young guy, when she wouldnt respond to me. im like ok were done again, this is stupid. by this time i had two other women i was worried about hahahaha.

then like 4 months later the original woman found me again and apologized again. ok great. then i finished college and moved back home with the fam and have been there ever since and i only saw her once again. and she got married to that original boifran. and then i think she got divorced.

but she’s got a middle class career and a graduate degree from a highly ranked school and a progressive middle class nytimes life and no kids yet!

but i do appreciate her apologies.

she was officially diagnosed as bipolar and on lithium from a young age. i say this only because her behavior was pretty crazy. but IMHO it is better to be diagnosed and getting treatment, than undiagnosed and not receiving treatment!

I have been essentially diagnosed with Depression and have been trying to Treat It for fookin 7 years. I suppose I am slightly diagnosed with Anxiety. not really treating that except some SSRI’s treat anxiety as well as depression hahahaha.

woman3 did not ghost me, she actually gave me a decent talk. i just had a real hard time accepting it. we continued to talk on the phone, she actually moved CLOSER into my social circle so i saw her more after the dumping, then we started making out AGAIN.


That certainly got my hopes up! just like when the same thing happened with the previous woman, woman2, we started making out again, but it did not bode well at ALL, but i got my hopes up.

meaning if i see woman2015 again and we immediately start making out………..





also, you can Leave a note without fully explaining why. youre right, i probably wouldn’t want to know the laundry list of every reason why. i guess to me the why is not as important as the CERTAINTY that this is over, and that the person has the decency to treat me as a human being and give unambiguous, unmixed, clear communication. that is very important to me.

but what would i know, i am just an insecure needy weirdo who can’t handle communication.

well i handled communication from woman2012 VERY WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.


aug 20

so my lesson learned was, if you get a chance to make out with your female friend, but you really dont want to becuase you dont have feelings (yet) and you think it would be weird and awkward, but she’s really not ugly or old or disgusting or physically gross or fupa and its kinda weird you’re NOT attracted to her and people might already think youre dating, well then just go ahead and make out with her, because you  are probably on the cusp of getting feelings ANYWAY.

also, ANY experience a man can get with a woman will help him. help you confidence, give you confidence that can never be taken away, help you level up.

i said that casual sex for women is unforgivably and horribly degenerate, and for men, it was still degenerate, still not a good thing, BUT its not mortally bad like it is for women.

in FACT, it CAN be a good thing if you as a man have really low confidence, and all the readers and writer of this blog have extremely low confidence, i would just say fooking go for it. especially if the woman is not blatantly gross.

if she is gross…. uh not sure.

the closest thing i have is when i was fooking 14 or 15, over half my life ago, my friend and I went to his grandfathers house about 50 miles away with a nice lake, nice place to go during the summer to swim and have fires and such. we met two girls that were like 16, 17, or 18 and hung out with them. the one i preferred, preferred my friend over me, and the girl i preferred less, preferred me, so i ended up making out with that girl, and being butthurt that i HAD to make out with that girl and not the one i really wanted. she wanted to be like pen pals or some shit and maybe talk on the newfangled email thing people were starting to use on our dial up internet. i didnt really feel like it because i was always thinking, this whole thing is stupid, i always wanted the other girl more! and now i’m stuck with the other lamer one!

well in hindsight she wasnt THAT lame, and she was a fooking 17 year old gurl, so i was in the wrong there. plus its not like she was disgusting! kinda hard to be disgusting when you are a 17 year old gurl unless you are morbidly obese, and she was not.  so i should have just tried to bang her.

would that have increased my confidence? or would i have been angry about that? cuz i was angry about making out with her can you believe it. i was like this sucks, im not gonna make out with somebody unless i really LIKE them. and then i did not make out with a gurl again for about 7 more years. also banged her hahahaha.  now i did like that gurl so it was much better, but in hindsight now, i dont regret making out with that gurl when i was 14. and in fact now i wish i had banged her. but i was kinda young too! i hadnt even started j3rking off 10 times a day in the height of puberty. if i were 16 then it probably would have been a different story! but by 16 somehow i was already a beta male and never hung out with gurls and had lost touch with that friend who was really responsible for getting me my first make out! he was a decent guy too.

lets see. did a jogwalk of a total of 5.4 miles today. 2.5 miles, then 2.9 miles. you do have to break it up so you can get water.

anyway. later on i then stalked my female friends facebook page, when i was trying to find out about her “secret boifrand”, and saw them exchanging lovey dovey messages prior to that day that i “should have” made out with her in the park.

so i used that to comfort me, that i shouldnt regret this too much, because she was already going out with him, liked him, didn’t really like me, and who am i to make a gurl cheat.

and now im like, well THAT rel she had with that guy was shitty, and he cheated on her, and it would have been better if she cheated on him, with me! who cares! plus it is possible to like more than one person. i often forget this! but you can be confused among a number of people.

it happened to me in 2005 for really the first and only time. i was emotionally torn between THREE women and would have dated any one of them. i suppose i had feelings for ALL of them!

unforutantely not a one of them worked out! that sucked.

but what i am facing right now is EVEN WORSE. because this gurl was better than any of those gurls. and we actually had a deeper “connection.”  that lasted longer. built up over time. that meant something to me. even if it didnt to her.

so it would build a mans confidence to bang a dirty whore? yeah, if she werent terribly ugly. thats why they call them “PRACTICE GIRLS.” so you can build your confidence and your masculinity when theres a woman you actually WANT.  or god forbid luv.

i mean just try it at least. she might be bouncing around on you and you cant even get hard. well at least you tried.  actually that could potentially hurt the confidence hahahaha. cant even get hard when trying to bang some filthy gutter whore.

but it was weird. as soon as my mind was officially made up that yes i want to date her, i could not hang out with her AT. ALL. prior to that we did hang out. while i was still in my “transitional” phase, or my “figuring shit out” whatever you want to call it. THEN we would hang out, during july, august, september. then my feels were official in october (i can pinpoint october because of course i wrote about it and could clearly see the difference between what i was writing in september (“its weird i dont have feels for her, but i dunno i just, im not super on board, it would be weird”) vs the very next month, writings from october (“my feelings have officially changed over the past month, i would like to date her.”) ) and boom starting in october she refused to hang out.  all i wanted was one hangout to TALK, like we had had in september, august, july, come on.

i mean she HURT me with how she was pushing me away. which culminated in the biggest hurt ever recently. shit she hurt me a lot more than i hurt her! at worst i just annoyed and or frightened her. i didnt break her damn heart and just rip her out of my life like a cancerous tumor, like she did to me.

which is so unlike a decent woman like her! I would have expected that out of a typical american degenerate whore, but not her!

oh well just proves all women are like that, degenerate whores, evil pieces of shit ahahahahahaha.

so yeah lesson learned is if you get ANY chance with ANY woman, provided she isn’t so disgusting ugly, i mean if shes young and not fat, just fooking go for it, even if you dont really WANT to at the time. also try to have secs with her so you are not so hung up about secs, and can view it for what it really is: just dumping a load of sperm into whatever cvnt is willing. hahahaha.

but yeah, now I am the weird one for thinking that sex should be a Special Thing that is Shared between True Lovers Only, and not everybody fooking each other like god damn animals.

im not sure what i thought was “weird”. it was something stupid like the shape of her head. that and thought it would be weird to have secs with a gurl who is Just A Friend.

i guess that is a legitimate reason for me to feel weird about it. i felt it would mess up our friendship, which at that time i did legit view us as just friends, and i even said, “please god i hope she doesnt like me, because i dont like her back, and i dont want to have to FRIENDZONE her”

and then a few months later i was exact opposite. in love with her and begging please god make her like me just a little bit so we can hang out and make out and spend time together and date for a year.

WELL, let the record show. back in the day when i was worried about her liking me, i was still very willing to hang out with her, talk to her, maybe i “built a wall” or “kept her at a distance” but i would still HANG OUT WITH and TALK to her. which was 90000000000000000000000000000000 times more than SHE did for ME when I had feelings for HER, but she didnt.

yeah i should have done more, but this is 60 40 her fault hahahah. maybe even 70 30.

i should have said during that time, “WHAT ARE YOUR FEELINGS FOR ME. I FEEL LIKE YOU MIGHT LIKE ME.”

i should have been direct like that. but i wasn’t. however at that point the onus was on her.

because when i got feelings for HER, i was more than willing to take that onus by the horns, and the moment i got her in private for A Talk, i would have said

“Listen, theres something important i need to talk to you about. now this is gonna be pretty awkward and im sorry, but i have to put the honest truth out there and talk about the elephant in the room. now this hasn’t been going on too long so i am glad we can talk about it before it gets TOO weird. but in october i got feelings for you and now i dont know what to do, but i know i do want to talk to you about them. i know you are in luv with another guy so. do you think you could ever have feelings for me when you are done getting over him? cuz you used to be really friendly to me in the past and i felt like you might like me, and i regret not making out wiht you in july, but i just was not sure then. i am sure now. what can we do here. lets talk about it. when you are ready to date again i think we should try it because we already know and trust each other. till then we can keep it cool though. but what does your intuition tell you. could you ever like a guy like me?”

something like that. i told her a lot of this in my emails but by that time it was too late.

i have ALWAYS had problems with women. i have ALWAYS had problems with jobs. and school. this is ample evidence that that problem is not with The Degenerate Stupid World, but with ME, and how i just cant handle the world. and i feel like that every day. that i just cant cope with life, cant handle life, cant do the basic things other adults do, cant get or keep a job, cant get or keep a woman, because i am constantly worrying about how stupid and impossible it is to get or keep a job or a woman!


aug 19

yeah buddy. building up a backlog here but i kind of want to.

i think i have finally made a little progress, feel like i i have improved about 5 to 10 percent over one month. therefore, 100% over ten months! we can do that.

so what do you do when you get feelings for a friend, and you know its bad timing for them, becuase you know they got their heart broke by some guy recently, and they are still getting over that?

well you tell them just that during your Timely, one on one heart to heart. you say

“i know this is bad timing because of what you’re going through. i agree it’s bad timing. but i couldn’t help it. it just happened. maybe you could get back to me if you ever want to try dating me, once you get over him. ok done.”

i think this would be better than biding your time. cuz i bided my time and shit just got worse and worse and then blew up horribly!

i wish i had told her months earlier. and then i would have to say something like that. but she wouldnt LET me talk to her in person. this was definitely a bad move on her part.

so i should have written an email saying yeah this is how it is. i know you could never return my feelings especially right now. but, if like in six months, when things are better, you think, hey maybe, then contact me.

i mean a woman would have to REALLY love you to contact YOU after a long break, when she can find 900000000 different interesting handsome charming so easily, in abundant supply!

and if there are so many charming handsome successful men, how come you cant be one of them??

maybe before you have you heart to heart intervention talk, you can write and print out what you want to say like they do on intervention. i dunno. i just want to make sure you dont forget to say anythhing important.

ideally the other person would Consent To Talk several times, until both sides say everything they want. but life aint fair ni99a, you dont always get such justice as to get a Fair, Good, Rejection! sometimes you get a bad bitter Rejection! and i cant even imagine these normalfags that DONT constantly get rejected, and go out with a grill in a Long Term Relationship! To me and us, it is like a fooking UNICORN, but it is SUCH a common thing among normies!!!!

i guess you could say, well i’ll check in with you every three months to see if you might have gotten feels for me by then. but that sounds really desperate.

but people GET desperate sometimes! It sucks for them but i don’t think it makes them bad! i dont think you should be rejected strictly for being desperate in other words.

so you don’t SAY it, but you DO it anyway?checking in with them.

but that means that you still Want them.

of COURSE you STILL WANT THEM, that’s what LOVE IS.

Well, that’s what Love Is, when it has not run its course for you, when, for you, its ended prematurely. when it ended before it began. so in this case, which is the only thing i’ve ever known with 6 women, the love never really goes away, it can always be rekindled.

i guess if you had MUTUAL, two sided, reciprocated luv, and then you DATED the person for like a year, and said i luv you, and spent many nights together, and spent a lot of time together, then maybe eventually the relationship could “run its course”, you could decided to get out of it, you were all loved out and all your love was gone. and then it would end, and then you could never see yourself rekindling it.

but WHAT IF the OTHER person ended it before you were “READY”?

i guess my point is, when the other person ends it before you were ready for it to end, whether you have gone out for a year, or you have NEVER gone out, then there is that sense of you being the Loser in this war, and you will always on some level PINE for them, and would always be willing to take them back. well, for like the first 10 months at least, before you fully get over them. but yeah nothing will change that you were still loving them, and they just pulled the rug out from underneath YOU.

YOU didnt pull the rug out from underneath THEM! you’re the one getting MORE HURT! you are on the losing end muh friend.

so thats me, thats the only way its ever been with the women. been in luv 6 times (maybe 8 hahahah), been on the losing end 6 times. 6 for 6 hahahahaha.

so take benadryl every 3 days to get your mind off the woman.

aug 20

well slept like shit again last night, and trying to be visible as much as possible to make the fam happy, and i owe it to them to make them happy, i want to make them happy! do not want them to worry, they have worried enough, i have been ridiculous enough.

what else. my biggest regret was that me and the woman hung out this one time in july 2014 and it would have been the perfect moment to Make A Move on her, walking in a quiet peaceful beautiful section of the park. i started to feel nervous right then and there because i was like oh god if i liked her i would want to make out with her right now; and if she likes me, she would want me to make a move on her right now. but since my feels were very very uncertain, and i felt it would be weird and forced and i didnt really WANT to at that time, i did nothing. of course i cant even say if she would have really taken kindly to it, but i could have saved a year of my life hahahaha. and at that time, not only were we on speaking terms, but darn good terms, so she could have rejected me in a Good way!

we had a nice time but i made up some excuse that i had to go later, rather than hanging out the rest of the night with her, because i didnt want to “send her the wrong signal.”

and then we hung out again in august 2014 and i had been thinking about things a little more. we went to dinner and i said what are you doing tonight and i think suggested hanging out, i was more open to that. and then at that time she was busy.

anyway i felt that Doing Stuff with her would be Weird, but looking at it Logically, why would it be weird at all? It was weird that I THOUGHT it was weird! because she was young, she was not ugly, we got along great, the only thing was that I was Just Not Ready. I guess the timing for me wasnt quite right. it was just a little off for me.

and the lesson learned is, if you find yourself in a likewise situation, just try to make out with the gurl, even if you dont quite feel it, IF you have every logical reason to date a nice gurl like this, and you can’t figure out WHY you don’t quite like like her yet. just go ahead and make out with her, if she is nice, young, not ugly, not fat, not stumpy, not degenerate, just fookin go for it even if you’re not quite ready and you think it would be a little weird. in a few months you will probably no longer think its weird and will be very glad you did!

heh i should write her another email saying, my biggest regret was that i didnt make a move on you in july 2014, even though i wasnt quite ready yet, i should have done it anyway.

who cares if it would be weird. it horribly weird anyway. it got weirder than it would have been if i made out with her then. at worst she would have been like sorry but i dont like you like that, at best we would have gotten together and lived happily ever after.

50 years ago you could just get a job and work and live. it didnt take 8 hours just to APPLY for a job where you would not even get an interview anyway. you could more easily work and live and find a mate.

damn. yep this female friend of mine was JUST the kind of woman men who use Mail Order Bride services wish they could find in the US: not promiscuous, not super crazy, gentle, kind, low number, had not been used up too much, not a lot of miles on the odometer, only one long term rel and that’s basically it, family oriented, decent values, not narcissistic or borderline or hysterical or the other one. histrionic? not a sociopath or psychopath. still in mid twenties. well proportioned, not ugly, didnt dress like a whore. real good wife material in other words. and because there is such a shortage of women like this in the US because the west is becoming a Decadent Babylon, men look for more Traditional Women in other countries and mail order them. i cant blame them, but i would be hesitant to do it. it just seems like too much, and also potential for scamming too great. i wish you could just find a wife material wife in the US. of course, so do they.

and i found one, but god damn she wants nothing to do with me. i luv her and she doesnt even like me.

and yeah it is much harder when a decent woman rejects you, vs a decadent whore.

basically i found two decent women in 7 years, that’s not too bad. woman2012 was a decent wife quality woman too. and i say 7 years because i first met her in 2008, but i did not develop feels RIGHT away believe it or not. it was not as delayed, like the two years for woman2015, but it was better than right away. took maybe 3 to 6 months to realize actual feels there.

which is another reason why its insane for women to have secs after 3 dates or any time before 6 months. you cant even tell if you really LIKE a person before 6 months. it takes TIME and they force things thru, especially secs, way too goddamn fast. its disgusting and discouraging and degenerate and Forgive Them Father For They Know Not What They Do, but the damage is still done and I am quite turned off.

well already went for 2.5 mile walkjog today. did that pretty early on, before writing. tried new route. i like going in as much of a circle as i can, and seeing as much as i can. not running around in 25 little .1 mile circles over and over agian. or going 1.25 miles one way and then turning around and going the same way back. first world problems but thats just my preference.

watched this program where this guy said he “ran 40 miles a week”. that is 5 to 6 miles a day every day. i guess its not really extreme. i could do maybe 6 miles a day for 4 or 5 days a week. that is 24 to 30 miles. but its not all “RUNNING.” it is 30-40% Jogging and 70 to 60% walking. and when i do jog, it is very ungraceful and not very fast. it is Slow, Belabored Jogging.

Well i have lost 10 pounds in about the past 2 months. i suspect half of it was due to me working a little bit and being so anxious on edge that i couldnt and didnt eat. too stressed and dazed and confused to eat. then a little while after that i got most of my appetite back, and by that time, i was exercising quite a bit more, and doing more Jogging. I have not done this much jogging in YEARS, and perhaps never this consistently. so that’s GOOD.

what if she came back and just wanted to Talk Again sometime?

Because i would not be able to pretend like my feelings had gone away. because they will never go away. i could not just pretend to be just friends with her.

i would HAVE to address the ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM and be like yeah we have to talk about that crazy shit that happened; and we have to talk about the stuff that i wanted to talk about but we never did; we still need to do all that. because i might be able to upgrade the feels from just friends to more than friends, but i am not optimistic about downgrading them back down to just friends again. i will always have feelings for you. i have feelings for you right now. nothing major, basically im just madly in luv with you, want to marry you and spend the rest of my life with you hahahaha.

ok THAT you should not say. kinda downplay the ridiculous crazy seriousness of the feelings, and just be like. i dunno i just have a crush on you, i still have feelings, obviously these feelings caused issues in the past, so we need to talk about that head on, and i still have the feelings, basically i would like to try dating you because i think you’d be a good match for me. IF you had any interest in that.

also some make up secs right now would not be a bad start hahahahahahahaha. or at least a make up make out, where we passionately make out and you cry and say im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry for being a b to you. kind of like all those times before where I said im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry for being weird and pushy to you.

but maybe i would get what i want if i just Played It Cool for a while, pretended like i didnt have feelings, got us back to hanging out again, then basically get her into the park again, or a private moment at her house where we are sitting next to each other watching tv or something, and then put on the moves. after playing it cool. the ends justify the means. jeremy benthams means ends system hahahahaha.

i am not above lying, deception, and manipulation. but i just dont think i could pull it off there. id still want to address the elephant in the room and Make Up first.

why cant you just be honest and just be yourself hahahahaha. always making up stories and bullshitting and manipulation.

i mean some lies are worse than others of course. and i will tell lies when they are pretty white lies or just being courteous.

damn. getting a decent upper working class job is harder than getting into HARVARD. I never knew it would be like this. nobody told me. they never prepared me for this in skool hahhahaaha.

like this police service aide job which starts out at 40k a year, thats like 20k an hour, well less because of the mandatory OT.  lets estimate 47 to 50 hours a week. but you have to take 911 calls, have Full Psychological Test. at 50 hours a week that shakes out to more like 16 dollars an hour. which was not much more than i was making at my horrible job hahahahaha. and this police job would be abotu 9000000000000000000000000000000000000 times harder to get. plus i determined that i would NEVER want to take 911 calls. emergency dispatch. come on. god bless those people. that takes nerves which i do not have. and you think i would pass their damn Psych Test?

fook. i had a good looking young never married no kids woman, low number of partners, WAY below average, family oriented, almost antisocial, NEVER liked partying or going to clubs or bars or drinking or partying, and she accepted me for who i was, and we USED to have a good connection, perfect wife material, and now shes gone forever. worst heartbreak of my life bar none. it will be a miracle if i ever get over this. this one is gonna damage me permanently and just make me a weakass shell of a man, even more pathetic than i was before.  damn.

ok obviously time for a 2.9 mile walkjog hahahaha.