aug 14

yeah still not doing too good. still right at rock bottom. can barely bring self to walk let along jog. still obsessed in the mind about the woman. i am begging GOD to “please GOD get her out of my mind.” it is hard to believe that things were ever normal here. that i was not obsessed with her. that i did not have feelings for her. that i didnt want her and was even thinking of friends of mine who may be good for her, because “she deserves a good man.”  cuz i thought,, well i should have feelings for her but i dont, so i should think about friends of mine that are lonely and want a good woman and would be good to a woman. maybe several months of thinking about that, then noticing her secret boifran, flipped my switch, into thinking WELL, WHY NOT ME.

heheh. in the past if i had been going mental and quit my job she would have shown concern and been like “whats wrong” and shown some care or concern. thats part of why i am so hurt. like what did i do that was SO WRONG to make her go from caring about me to hating me and not caring about me at all. damn.

anyway this is beating a dead horse.

aug 15

well she was pretty big part of my life for almost 3 years, and only increasingly so, as we started working together more.

its the coldness which kills me. not rejected just Romantically, but Entirely as a person: i think that’s even worse. i never want to see or talk to you again, you are dead to me. what the f did i DO? answer: i was a little weird because i had feelings for her and this weirdness made her uncomfortable.

but it shakes you to the core, totally destroys all confidence. you can be rejected romantically without being rejected as a person. thats what communication does. you have a nice talk with the person and say im sorry, but this isnt gonna work out the way you want. i dont hate you and i am sorry. but not this time. she has utterly turned her back on me as if i am the one hurting HER!

so yeah we really cant make any sense out of that. as rational beings we try to make sense of things, but you will go MAD if you try to make sense of this. there is no sense that CAN be made here.

just seeing her from a distance would be enough to kill my confidence. and our job, you need overconfidence at all times to talk to people all day and pretend like you know what you’re doing, pretend like super confusing technical things make sense to you.

will definitely make it hard to trust women again, since i trusted her in the past, thought she was a decent woman, and actually she IS a decent woman, and i hate to DEFEND her, but she’s honestly not a bad person, but she treated me more COLD than anyone has ever treated me.

i am especially sensitive to coldness and freeze outs and cold shoulders. when i was a collegefag i had a feud with my freshman year roommate where we suddenly stopped talking to each other altogether, which is the closest precursor to this. we started out having friendly talks then eventually concluded that the other guy was so weird that we had nothing left to say to each other, and it gets really weird when you dont say hello or stupid small talk to someone who is living in your room hahahaha.

it was hilarious, he was convinced that Intimate Relationships can only hurt and disappoint you, especially with Women, so his goal in life was to live alone on a desert island. At age 18 I thought this was super intense and very discouraging, i said no, you have to hold out hope, we all need the eggs man, ive gotten nothing but disappointment too but i still have hope! he later became a successful engineer and probably got a wife. hahahahaha. i continued on with 14+ years of disappointment in my failed attempts at Intimate Relationships, and became a huge unsuccessful failure loser hahahaha.

anyway that insane period of Freeze Out weakened my confidence that i could Get Along With People, that i was just Too Weird, and I looked towards Alcohol and W33d to Escape that sense of Weirdness.

well the woman never thought I was too weird until i began liking her!

hehehe dont believe what women SAY, don’t even believe what women DO. you could be having secs with them and post secs cuddling, and making out, and think oh boy i am in luv with this gurl, but then she still leaves you hanging. woman 2 used to do that. we would have such a nice time and then she would always leave way before i wanted her to. so you remember the painful memory of her walking out the door more than you remember the good memory of having good times.

well i never had secs or made out with latest woman but i enjoyed spending time with a decent person and there being mutual trust and appreciation. but that good does not outweigh the bad of her just utterly Freezing Me Out and Abandoning me. thus it was a net loss and not a net gain.

and i simply will never believe that i did anything SO bad to deserve SUCH hurtful and extreme treatment. she hurt me WAY more than i hurt her.

but of course i can theoretically forgive her because i know she didnt’ MEAN to hurt me that much, that she didnt really know what she was doing, that she was overwhelmed by things in her life, that she is not an inherently bad person, etc. it jsut sucks that when a good person does one of the few horrible things theyve ever done in their life, they do it to me!

also this ended in THE WORST possible way it could have ever ended. worst case scenario happened. given that we are both decent people it SHOULD have ended a lot better. i just got unlucky as hell. it ended worse than anything has ever ended for me. even woman 2 and 3 ended things better. they talked to me and said im sorry.

with this woman i was apologizing all the time like the worlds worst beta. i was saying im sorry sorry sorry 9000000 times a day. im sorry for being weird, im sorry for being pushy. and then me saying sorry all the time was itself weird and pushy. i dunno i felt in between a rock and a hard place.

and i do not take well to freeze outs. destroys the confidence. worst possible way to end a rel. lets try for something better.

so its good i have not started drinking again eh? i guess but i would probably abuse painkillers if i could get my hands on them! but i cant so thats probably good!

welp this will turn me into a cheater. because i will never want another woman more, will never be able to CONNECT with a woman again, damn. so i will become a cheater. but i will become an ethical, honest cheater hahahaha. i will come right out and say, welp baby, its not that im afraid of commitment, i just dont want to committ to anyone anymore, all the commitment is out of my system. so lets just fook whoever we want and always be nonmonogamous and i dont like you all that much anyway and i will never be over this gurl.

beating dead horse again eh?

it just sucks that it takes SO LONG to get over.

aug 17

well i have been dead to the world a couple days and today i sent a perhaps ill advised email to the person. the woman. woman6/8. my nemesis hahahaha.

i last sent her an email 3 weeks ago and thought that might be the last. but lately i have been getting the urge again.

i dont think its excessive to send her emails once every 3 weeks. especially if it is Cathartic. well, its a little cathartic. i got a boost of energy after sending it. i know she will never respond, i have even less expectation of a response than before. in fact, i know there is a 99% chance she will not even READ it, as she will delete it without reading it; open it and see how long it is and delete it; or has blocked my email address from sending to her email address.

so then send from a new or throwaway email address right? to guarantee it at least gets to her inbox? you can see how this is ridiculous. no i wasn’t gonna do that. if she’s blocking my email, that’s her problem not mine.

anyway it was the most beautiful email ever written, the most beautiful thing ever said by one person to another. it would melt a heart of stone. of course she will probably never read it.

the most beautiful things ever written, are never read.

it is one person pouring their heart out to another, and the other person throwing the message away without reading it. like jenny throwing forrest gumps letters away. returning to sender i should say.

hehehe jenny gump and margo tenenbaum are the worst women in movies ever. somebody should indict these filmmakers as the woman haters they truly are. not all women are like that hahahaha! they have to be woman haters to portray women as such terrible people!

i am tempted to copy the email here, redacting personal and identifying information of course, just so SOMEBODY could possibly appreciate the beauty of it all, as she prob will never read it.

so yeah i might do that. worst case scenario i just take it down later if i think that could improve karma. karma is at rock bottom anyway. plus i wrote the thing to give and have good karma, plus i will scrub it of any personal identifying details.