CONNECTION / WANTING TO TRY

aug 13

late at night. i should not even be writing. damn. so yeah this is by far the worst heartbreak of the whole life. only thing that comes close is woman 2 and 3, which were actually both in quick succession, both in the space of 1 year. cant believe i developed feels for 2 women in 1 short year, in fact it was 3 women, woman 4 was in there. but i never made out with her hahahaha. i did make out with woman 2 and 3, those two i pseudo dated before they dumped me for being too serious and they just wanted some casual fun. well they got what they wanted hahahaha.

i would love if woman6/8 (current) contacted me in a few months saying lets Reconnect and then we started dating and then i would have to bang her early because thats what all women want because thats what theyre used to, having secs within like 1 or 2 dates. then i would get serious all over again and she would probably dump me and i would be even more heartbroken. but at least i wouldnt be working with her hahahaha.

woman 2 and 3 were bona fide certified crazy bitches, just middle class career gurls, maneaters, who had done thru many men before me, and certainly many men after. i can see now how the match between me and them was horrible. there was no real connection, no foundation.

but i cant say that about this woman6/8. we had a connection, we got along well, we were similar, she was not a maneater, although she may be becoming one now, its sad. because of our “connection” i felt closer to her than i did to either woman 2 or 3, and i at least dated them for like few weeks hahaha. but out of all the women in my life, i think the connection with this woman was the most real, the deepest, the most meaningful, and thats why this is gonna hurt the most ever. and take the longest to get over. because it also ended horribly, no closure whatsoever; and because i cant hate her because she is not a bad person or a crazy bitch or a deceptive two face; because it also involves a job loss.

i try to go out and socialize when i can, but always end up comparing myself to the other people, who are well adjusted, gainfully employed, in rels, or not in rels and casually fooking people, and i think, well i like these people and they are more or less my friends, but they are totally different from me. it is hard to find a real connection. of course i try to look for the good in all peopel and its really not hard to find. but then more comparing. how come i just cant work a damn job like these people. they have a long day at work and can still come out and play trivia. when i was working i would go on hiatus from trivia because i couldn’t handle it. i would have to go to bed super early to try to sleep, just so i could squeeze in a short unsatisfying walk, and then study bullshit from my job. the cases of the day, cases of other people, shit i didnt understand, read shitty articles trying to clarify shit i didnt understand, and not getting anywhere becuase the articles sucked. were impossible to understand and often did not include useful information, because that was in secret documents given only to higher ups. that was how our company worked and why i wanted to get out of there, and also get out of the Field of Technical Support altogether. well i sure accomplished that!

so i try to tell myself thats what GODS PLAN was for me in this trial. but what does GOD want me to do next? contact this woman in 3 months hahahaha? no because i will always want her. if she contacts me then thats somewhat different. i mean i would tell her yeah lets hang out and talk, but i will always have feelings for you, i will always wonder what if, i will always want to give this a try. but she probably wont contact me!

so yeah it feels like i will never get over this, over her. but it is still super early. it will definitely take a long time. last time i made a big deal out of, well its gonna take at least 100 days. i kinda had fun with it. i cant do that now. i can barely get out of bed. also we had decent closure there, and i wasnt as attached to her. and i could still cope with life, do my job, do my stupid math classes. i recall it took longer than 100 days as well! but certainly less than 200 hahaha. then i saw that woman again like 9 months later and THAT was rough, that put me into a bit of a funk and i think i decided to increase my dose of paxil, which i was trying to cut back on because it was poison. then i said fook it, i did not want to see her again, pump me full of drugs, im desperate.

at this time i was developing my friendship with woman6/8! and me still getting over woman 5/7 also prevented me from getting super duper lovey dovey with woman6/8, and of course she had a long rel ongoing at the time.

in contrast to now, those were such good times!!!!

i am also a bit angry because it is not looking good to get my old job back, i have applied and sent a nice email to the manager. i dont really want to call them. recall this is the same place where i was on the short list for a sweet full time position late last year (shortly after my feels for the woman came into being.) i was pretty angry about not getting the job. now here i am applying for a much much lesser job in the department and not even getting a chance for an interview because they are probably gonna hire a 19 year old college student, and just dont want to even deal with me ever again. i mean i was essentially trying to beg for a favor, without trying to sound like i was begging. because you gotta always be positive. cant ever speak freely.

very mixed feelings about leaving my job. the one i was workign with the woman, getting good hours and good pay. more i think about it though, more i am not really that regretful about leaving it. it was a horrible job, and also workign with her would drive me mad, it already was.

i was going more crazy abotu the job, already staying up late, losing more sleep than usual, reading stupid cases and articles, even though i wasnt doing calls on those issues. writing more, staying up late writing, because i vowed to “expose these faggots” and really just vent all the 9000000000000000 tons of anger i had about the job and give examples of how stupid it was.

i might have been able to last one more 10 month season if she was not there. but her being there def pushed me over the edge, which i was definitely at already. and i am sure her being there helped pushed me TO the edge as well. definitely. it was affecting the work i was doing already. this is why you never fall in luv with a coworker. unless you have a really easy job that you can do while being distracted and angry and anxious all day. not a job where you need to focus like a steel trap math test all day every day.

but yeah you see some people they have good connections. mates that is. men and women that argue all the time and just do not seem to luv each other. marriages that you can tell are not going to last. people that really dont have anything in common. vs people that do have a good connection. i was at  wedding for one friend in 2014 and it was very touching and positive because you could tell that both him and his wife had a deep connection with each other, that they loved each other, and this marriage would probably last a long time, and then a year later, they have a wonderful baby child.

and i felt i had that connection with this woman. that is whats gonna make this so hard. we were both laid back people, both not super duper experienced with a lot of people, she only had 1 real boifran when we met. also i am not really laid back, but i present myself as very laid back, and prefer laid back people, and people think i am laid back, and i like to be thought of as laid back, even though on the inside, i am very high strung. i would much prefer to BE laid back. she wasnt promiscuous or a cheater, we both disliked cheaters and sluts, we had similar likes and dislikes, she did not wear a lot of makeup or dress like a whore, she was relatively awake to the things going in the world, she was gentle and kind and sweet and had a good heart, and though i was very jaded and bitter, i felt i still had a little bit of those things left in me too. she could bring out the best in me. maybe make me strong if this had worked.

but instead i am weaker THAN EVER. she was relatively young, she did not have any kids, she did not have too much baggage from past bad relships.

well instead of remembering all the reasons why i loved her, i should try to go back to the beginning and remember the reasons why i was On The Fence about ever Dating her. like when i thought, well she’s a little weird looking and secs with her would just be Too Weird. or her family life is too fooked up and that in and of itself is too much baggage, her background is just too tragic and rough.

yeah i used to think, shes my friend, and she’s not ugly, but secs with her would be JUST TOO WEIRD. I cant even bring myself to think about her that way. Heck I tried a couple times!!!! and it still felt weird.

heh.  after time it stopped feeling weird and somehow ended up feeling 1000000% right and not weird. such that i wanted to Date her, cuddle with her, touch her, make out with her, stare into her eyes, have intimate secs with her, have kinky secs with her, etc.

heh. for the pain of this heartbreak it would have been nice to actually really Date for like 2 months like i did with other women. who knows. what kind of communication would we have had. now that i think about it, my communication was never so great with the other women too. but how come it has to be ALL ON ME? i thought any kind of relship was supposed to be a two way street. i mean they have to WANT TO TRY.  and in my life, i’ve always WANTED TO TRY a lot harder than they did. they would rather throw it away. like i would want to throw away a shitty job hahahahaha.

 

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