aug 11 yeah buddy. meeting with the shrink once a week. they encouraged me to keep doing power jogs and to not write in a runimative negative, going around in circles, beating a dead horse, broken record way. duh no shit dont need a shrink to tell me that! but yeah do really MOST people just not need the eggs, and view each other as disposable fook trash meat? if even a dirtbag like woody allen can say he needs the eggs! maybe people do need relationships, people are social, etc. its just amazing how much pain and suffering male female relationships cause! people being with people who are not good for them! people stuck with awful people! people clinging to their partners out of fear and obsession! people with one foot out the door at all times from beginning to end! it paints a very negative picture that everybodys relationship is unhappy as fook and they should just dump it and be alone. well i mean you can have Platonic Friends! that’s just fine. until you fall in love with them and then 10 months later your life is in ruins hahahahaha. also the shrink agreed that i should probably not send her that Third Email, because if she didnt respond to the second email (please respond, im a human being, we were friends for almost x years), she probably wouldnt respond to a third email (im sorry for scaring you), when shrink mentioned, well maybe she wasnt scared at all. maybe she was just angry and done, but not scared. i said yep thats possible, i mean we’ll never know will we. i just cant ever have something like this happen again is all. well thats no problem cuz i will never fall in luv again hahaha.

i should have blurted it out afte 3 or 4 months, when i was writing 100 draft texts of things i wanted to say to her but didnt have the guts.

i should have blurted it out after 5 or 6 months, when we were on yearly scheduled layoff and i started writing a 20 page letter to her. i should have sent her that damn letter and did it then and never came back to the job.

i should have asked her about the boifran the instant i got an inkling, which was probably before october.

that would have opened up a very fertile ground of conversation where i probably could have said what i needed to say.

she had been very honest and confiding in me earlier but i should have been equally honest, to say what was on my mind, at that time. in fact, THAT was the beginning of the end. she probably started losing respect for me right there, because i didnt have the balls to ask her directly about her new boifran. by the time i started seeing pictures of them together on facebook i still didnt even have feelings. although i do think seeing those pictures was a big Cause of me eventually getting feelings. i studied the pictures and maybe tried to force myself to have new feelings for her. and it fookin worked. cuz now i cant turn those feelings off, and i would never want to look at a picture of her ever again. i cant get her face and body out of my damn mind period.

well god damn its so hard to say. she still didnt hate me by november, she was still saying what a good friend i was, and during april was saying that she didnt mean to ignore her friends like this.

heh i should have joined the army when i was 18. and then 9/11 happened right before i turned 19 and then what happened. didnt they send a bunch of people to iraq or afghanistan. i would have totally gotten sent somewhere. i didnt REALLY want to join the military and make the world Safe For Democracy and Be The Zionists Muscle. there has to be a better way to get Training and Discipline and Responsibility. Well, there really is not hahahaha.

no i should have just become a Tradesmans Assistant or something, made money and banged 18 year old gurls hahahaha.

No i just went to college and it was a good college so that was good enough for everybody. i remember right away i thought i should major in something useful like engineering, like a good portion of the freshman came in and immediately declared some kind of engineering. and understandably so, all the engin programs were very highly ranked and all the engin grads end up being very successful! but i was like fook that, i hate skool, i’m just here because i was good at high school unfortunately so i HAD to go to a decent college, i just want to get the piece of paper in something easy, get a boring office job, and then play music, smoke w33d, write in my free time. i dont live to work maaaaaan, i am not career oriented, my career is not my life!

so i should have not ever have gone to college obviously, because obviously one does not simply get a useless degree and then sail into a boring easy office job! but thats the delusion i had! and one does not go to a very career oriented college with career oriented students, if you are not career oriented! i remember i looked at the super motivated super high overachieving middle class students who were obsessed with perfection that they seemed almost like robots, or a different species, and i thought of them as being unable to enjoy life, “misery junkies” who were obsessed with material pursuits, at the expense of everything else. hehehe these career obsessed perfectionists were probably happier than i was!

i wish i had been in closer contact with Adults at that time. Was not super close with the fam at that time unfortunately. also i was not ready to be out of the house! yep from 18 to 22 i really screwed up and got off the path and never got back on it, unfortunately.

heh this writing is not real good either. rumination ruination. basically writing should be like a rapper rapping about how awesome they are. you talking about your specific plans for success, world domination, banging bitches.

anyway. maybe i could go back t my job……..and see HER every DAY? fook that!!!! it would be like, you see her ONCE, and your whole DAY is ruined. period.

so maybe that’s on me. thats my problem not hers. i need to learn how to deal with and manage my problem.

THATS why i wanted to TALK, thats why i was so desperate to “figure things out”, so they wouldnt blow up! because i get emotional and blow up! and i didnt want to do that.

maybe if i directly said “im gonna blow up” hahahaha. yep so thats all my fault there.

i dunno i just felt she had absolutely no consideration for me, that even if i was not empathizing with her very well, it was STILL a LOT better than she was doing with me, plus she had been NICE to me in the past, so that kinda set expectations.

aug 12

yes gotta tread very carefully here. did not do too well today, could barely get out of bed, could only lay there and listen to tv, and carefully select the tv program so its not showing degenerates OR normalfags OR anything too annoying. trying not to have hate for people, for example when women let guys fook them after 1 hour of knowing them and there is no emotional connection in the sex act. i will NEVER believe that this is an acceptable thing for women to do. and then trying not to think of the woman doing that, and of course she it. or what does it matter, she’ll never talk to me again, and just trying to survive day by day, and wondering how i could be so hurt by somebody i did not even really date. i mean we never even made out!!!!!!!

it was because i felt we had THAT special of a connection. i mean we used to have a pretty good connection, but i think i still built it up in my mind, that she was THE ONE. when it was really too early to tell, because we simply never hung out.


well, we hung out a little bit back in the day, but i would always leave early and avoid going back to her house or something. then my switch got flipped, and i always wanted to hang out, and certainly would push to go to her house, but it was like crossing the rubicon there. she knew SOMETHING because after that point we did not hang out at ALL. of course she was undergoing stress, having just ended a short and painful mini-rel.

oh yeah. when i speak of jealousy its not even really regarding open rels. maybe i could have an open rel, but i would just like to have a damn rel first. my expertise in jealousy is when a rel is possibly starting, possibly not; and two people are starting to make a connection that may live or it may not; and especially that process where the woman who once liked you and was interested in you and nice to you, pulls away from you, withdraws that attention from you, and gives it to somebody else: more charming, more attractive, more successful, more charismatic, more masculine, more fun. you had something that was lost, and you see it being given to someone else, and no longer to you, and you bitterly miss what you once had.

thats the kind of jealousy i’m talking about. a very real sense of loss and rejection. NOT you’ve been in a loving, secure, closed rel for a few years, and after the Honeymoon wears off, you mutually decide to Try Opening It Up. that’s completely different. because you’re not LOSING anything and your original partner is not taking something away from you.

shit man maybe at that point i could do an open rel. after you have been with somebody for 3 years, you can be completely honest with each other, you talk to each other, you commuicate with each other, you mutually love and respect each other, you’re not worried about being left in the fookin lurch by the other person, they go out for a pack of cigarettes and NEVER COME BACK hahahaha.

thats not the kind of jealousy i’m talking about. i am talking about being desperate for a connection, desperate to be with somebody, you find yourself on the cusp of that, and then they pull away from you, leaving you extremely disappointed.

i mean they are entitled to do whatever they want, but you are entitled to be crushed and disappointed and heartbroken and insanely derpressed too. and also to get SOMEWHAT angry at them when they start showering positive attention on other men hahahahaha.

so you see how its best to stay away from them cold turkey.

well i got rid of perhaps the last tie to the woman, some medical herbs i got with her help and which i could no longer enjoy; and was just sitting there as a silent painful reminder. was able to unload it on a friend and get it the fook out of my possession. i debated on doing this, like do i really need to go this far, and then after a few weeks, i decided yes, yes i do need to go this far.

went back onto facebook because when you say “this is temporary ill be back” they MAKE you choose between 7 and 28 days. i chose 28 days but really wanted more like 90 to 100 days at least. anyway i briefly searched part of her name and got nothing so i figured i was still blocked. then i thought oh great this is exactly why i dont want to use facebook. then i deactivated again and said “i dont find facebook useful anymore”. at that point they dont force you to pick 7-28 days.

i also learned today that an old friend from my college days i have not talked to in about 9 to 10 years, had their father die of suicide about 2 years ago. i was shocked. i actually met the father a couple times. he was a very high achieving successful man and certainly made more than 100 K a year! he seemed ok and very smart but i guess he was very emotional at times.  i would guess probably bipolar. but that’s got to be intense. the friend was doing a fundraiser for a suicide/crisis phone line org and then mentioned the thing about their father. i was taken aback. well i had lost touch with the person years ago but there was never any Hard Feelings. the friend was very high achieving and went to become a Successful Attorney in the Big City, as did many people from our High Achieving University. Actually it was a woman i was Platonic Friends with, and never eventually fell in love with hahaha. then we drifted apart and there was no hard feelings. unlike what happened with my recent female friend hahahahaha. where i did fall in luv with her, and now there are extremely hard feelings hahahaha.

oh well life goes on. you get old and lonely and eventually cant find anybody you care enough about to even be rejected by hahahaha. cuz the only women you see are old and fat and have 20 year old children and you would rather date their daughters than them hahhahahahahahahaha

oh well life goes on.

10 years ago i liked the movie “the royal tenenbaums”, all of us college kids all liked it, wes anderson was really a young rising star at the time, it was my favorite one of his, i think i even wrote a college paper on it believe it or not, for a ridiculous psychology class, explaining how luke wilson was depressed because he felt like a failure at life and thats why he was depressed and tried to K himself hahahaha. i cant beleive this was the kind of crap i got away with at a highly esteemed university. that sounds like high school stuff hahahaha

but yeah i really dont like the gwyneth paltrow character, what a dirty hobag, and to ruin so many mens lives. even nutcases like luke and owen wilson could do better than that. i just hate shitty women who drive otherwise decent men off the deep end.

the worst part is i cant even blame it on “my” woman being shitty. she is not even a shitty person, way less shitty than the average woman, and it wasnt so much her being shitty, as the timing being bad, and things simply not working out, and it still drove me off the fookin deep end.

well i have not been driven off the deep end in many years. but gainfully employed normalfags never go off the deep end!