aug 9

well i thought about writing her an email saying sorry for SCARING you, i didnt want to SCARE you, but it kinda cant be helped when someone is acting like a crazy person to you, that is truly scary. i was/am scaring myself. but im really not that crazy of a person, i would never hurt her, i just go crazy sometimes. i guess its anxiety more than anything.  i guess it could be manic stage, but its usually brought on by extreme stress or heartbreak or rejection and a bunch of stuff happening all at once. it only happens about once every 10 years hahaha and usually due to stress in life and is probably just nerves and anxiety rather than crazy per se.

aug 11

well i started writing that email and it was a pretty good email, i do write pretty good emails, then i “deleted” it because really what good would it do me, its another chance for me to reach out to her and her not to respond, cuz thats what i really want is a response. she could write me something saying sorry for refusing to talk about this, and for just wanting to throw everything away. besides i am in more pain than she is hahahaha. she can still do her job and take care of herself and have 10 boifrans in luv with her.

i mean she may have been a little scared but not debilitated. i feel like a damn disabled person hahahah might need to get social security disability. get on the disability express like all these stupid sleazy lawyer commercials they show during the day while responsible normalfags like her are at work and crazy psycho lazy losers like me quit their jobs hahahaha.

there was a lot wrong with the job, that literally took all my powers to maintain, and as soon as one thing got added, it was too much to handle. you were always just one step away from the edge.

just sucks cuz you think you know somebody, you think that there was at least enough appreciation for you from them that they would treat you a little better than this. i didnt treat her bad, i was a little SCARY sure. fook it.

watching this stupid show called “snapped” on the oxygen network or some shit where they have true crime stories of people killing their lovers or spouses and such. yesterday they had a man in wisconsin who was killed by a rejected x-lover who was in luv with him, but he wanted to ditch her, yet she was obsessed with him, and he was dating a new 50 year old woman, and the first woman could not take it any more, and K’d him, convicted, currently in jail.

i dont even know if i can watch pr0n because you think “is this what all women are capable of? could she do this same filth? probably. either way she is fooking other guys yet she wouldnt even do me the courtesy of TALKING to me.”

so yeah i guess now there is more anger happening.

either way i can barely imagine going back to working with her, even seeing her one hour a day. how come other people dont get strong feelings like this? theres people there right now who have been fooked and rejected yet they work with the rejector for 8 hours a day and manage to get over it. and here i go crazy even if i dont see her at all.

i just hope i would never do anything too stupid. i mean with woman3 i hated her and referred to her as my “NEMESIS.” and it was a pretty strong hate the likes of which i had not really felt for any one person, and i feel it could start to get similar here. well then OBVIOUSLY the best thing you can do is stay away from them.

what could have prevented this? a big talk? what if we had a big talk, and that escalated into a huge argument  whe she stormed off, i never want to talk to you again, and then same results. i probably would have ended up doing the same thing. to be honest. like if we had a talk, and the talk went bad. hmm suprised i never thought of that. maybe i am thinking more clearly now hahahaha.

i strangely thought that if we talked, it would automatically be a good talk. but really theres a very good chance it would have been a shitty talk and resolved NOTHING. and been just as productive as the No Talk we actually had.

weird. i could communicate and wrote some very moving touching expressive communicative emails which would have made anyone with a heart cry and say “he’s clearly hurting, let’s talk gently about this”, but i couldn’t Deal With Life. She can Deal With Life, but she can’t communicate For Shit.

heh. i would rather be able to Deal With Life than Communicate. Actions speak louder than words and all i have is words hahahahaha.

maybe the guilt will eat her alive.

maybe she will get pregnant by a badboy, then, knowing that i am in luv with her, come back to me at that point, pretend to be in love with me, get me to bang her ASAP (which you have to do if you want a chance with a woman you like, or else she’ll think you dont really like her, plus she gives the pvssy up to guys she’s only known for a couple HOURS anyway, so why not), and then be like oops im preggers, now take care of your child, when its really the badboy deadbeats child.

she might pull one of those huge cuck moves on me, shit, she surprised me with the way she totally left me hanging, i didnt think she was that kind of person, i thought she thought more of me, so that really destroys my trust in her.

i was worried i destroyed her trust in me by “hiding secret feelings.” but i was giving enough signals to come across as WEIRD, pretty much for months. i gave signals and expressed a desire to hang out and talk the instant the feelings started in october. by february things had gotten WEIRD cuz i was still begging to talk “can we please hang out next month if you dont wanna hang out this month?”. so by that time i should have of course blurted it out, because it was obvious we weren’t gonna have a mature talk about it.

but yeah i worried i destroyed her trust in me by lying to her. really she could have been more concerned about how she was destroying MY trust in her!!!!!! cuz i used to trust her, back when we were friends, and she clearly trusted me.

it is just INSANE though how it all went down. i dont think i am THAT out of order for wishing we could have talked about it. even just written emails.

had a couple of super lazy days. could not even force myself to go for powerjog. or do anything. sleeping with the rosary next to me so i can clutch it when i wake up. thankfully i have been sleeping at night some. but then you wake up and think oh shit now heres this insane reality where everything has hit rock bottom.

i was watching the Jilted Lovers show regarding that woman who was obsessively in love with the man, they were talking to his relatives who said, it was obvious it was one sided, she was just a Booty Call to him (the woman was 47 years old and NOT attractive in the least!) but she was in love with him, would come over and cook for him and do all this nice stuff for him, what was he supposed to do, just say no?

actually YES, he should have had the decency to be like this has got to stop NOW, he should have ended that YEARS ago, he should have said, welp its obviously you’re obsessed with me, how about we just end this now, rather than me keep allowing you to see me and fook me and cook for me etc. so yeah i think he had some moral responsibility to do that, but he just seemed like a not super morally developed extravert life of the party normalfag, while she was an introvert.

but me and the woman were both introverts! we got along very very well at the beginning! we had similar personalities, similar values! she wasnt some kind of extravert normalfag skank!

oh well just goes to show we can never really know anybody hahahaha. you can know somebody for 3 years and not really know them AT ALL, even when you think you know them and trust them. nope. not even a little bit. why the fook would you.

yep getting into the anger stage. so that means bargaining is next right? then depression then acceptance.

i dont know, i dont think its necessarily like that. cuz isnt bargaining sort of like denial? theres that sense of desperation, WE CAN STILL MAKE THIS WORK. well yeah you want to, but they dont.

and i thought i was already getting crushing crippling depression the whole time, you mean i haven’t really even reached that phase yet?

so i dont fully buy into that kubler ross stages of grief bullshit.

was debating sending an email, apologizing for being SCARY. i just dont know. im not sure i need to apologize any more, or that sending her anything would help ME. if anything she needs to apologize to ME hahahahaha. so i scared her. big deal, she is able to live with it. in am in more pain than her hahahaha. i am going fookin nuts. its a lot more painful for me to see her, than her to see me. she would be ok with seeing me every day and ignoring me. that would and was driving me crazy after just a couple days.

ok that paragraph was from somewhere else, just reiterating the point that i dont really want to send her ANY more emails. the ball could not be any MORE in her court. and she has never been good about responding when the ball is in her court.

but yeah i just thought i meant more to her than that. just last year before things started going bad she said something to that effect, that i was a good friend and she felt close to me or some shit. of course i should have grabbed her right then and there because that was probably my chance, but i did not feel it then. it was only a few months later that i did. and by that time, there was new boifran, no more feelings talk from her about how i was a special friend, etc. so stupid how a matter of like 3 months TIMING can totally ruin something that could have been good.

how does anyone get together ever? well they are just animal extravert normalfags who fook each other casually and then have babies thats how. they dont really feel anything for each other. thats why they are always cheating on each other.

well now she can become a filthy cheater too, just like EVERYONE ELSE hahahaha.

watching other peoples relships is so sad. its like you always have to have one foot out the door, its like a rule. how and why does anyone get together. its clear they dont really want it. they dont really need the eggs, to refer to “annie hall.”

but yeah she was really the most important person i had met in the past 3 years. even if we couldnt Be Together, i still felt close to her because of the Friendship. and it hurts to just flush that all down the crapper. how could THAT not mean anything to her? well maybe it meant something to her, but now its over, like a stage of life, like say goodbye to your monogamous phase and say hello to you promiscuous nonmonogamous phase. fook phases.

because its not just a one way street. you just cant say ok im done, so its over, see ya. well you CAN, and thats exactly how people have been getting hurt for centuries.

i guarantee there is a better way to reject people though: with compassion; treat them like a human being; communicate with them; pay them a fee; give them a negotiated upon number of Bangs; talk about everything; allow the person to vent all their feelings; let them down softly. dont just throw them into the Miserable Thresher Of Existence. you can let them down softly. dont just let go of their hand and let them drown slowly.

obviously i wouldnt want to FORCE anyone to be with me who didnt want to be with me. that is a recipe for resentment. but so is being fooking abandoned with absolutely no communication. even the other gurls who dumped me at least TOLD me they were dumping me! and pretended to be a teensy bit sorry about it!

so this is a pretty new experience for me, never had the totally 100% abandonment happen yet hahahaha. till now. add it to the encyclopedia of experience.