aug 8

played a card tournament online, a free tournament, and actually placed for the first time in my life, even better since i hate tournaments and have only played like 3 tournaments in my life, and placed 9th out of 80 players and won .00052 btc in prizes. this is like 14 cents hahahahahahaha. i still have not broken even in my gambling career. i won several great hands and shot up to the top. and it did not make me feel good at all, am still heartbroken and lazy.

feel like i will NEVER get over this gurl, and that i will do stupid stuff in the future to try to contact her again, because this is truly my Last Chance Ever. I am old, she is young, I will never get this close to a young attractive woman ever again. who used to be nice to me, who was not promiscuous, not a cheater, not high number, who was laid back and chill, who i used to get along with very well, very naturally, very easily.

why didnt i wake up to all this sooner. why didnt i try to make her break up with her boifran so i could date her immediately after they ended, instead of her immediately dating this other guy. it is ridiculous how much things changed in 1 year. 1 year ago she was very friendly to me; pretty sure she was dating this new guy but not talking about him; i didn’t have any official feelings towards her but i would soon think about “forcing” myself to have feelings for her. uh whatever i did worked wonders because by october i had official feelings. and that was the beginning of the end.

the job sucked so bad. the only good thing about it was that it was a job and the money was not bad. her being there is just one more bad thing.

but maybe if i go back we can reconcile and it will be a better time and we can start dating!

do you see how desperate and unlikely that is?

it was nice when we did get along, but i think it was still a net loss. the pain and suffering exceeded the happy times. the happy times were certainly real but there was just not enough of them unfortunately. they were nice though and i will remember them…..but i SHOULDNT because the bad outweighed the good.

almost reactivated facebook to see if she was still blocking me.  did not end up doing that thank god. i would bet she probably didnt anyway. but what if she did? me contacting her would open up a whole NEW can of worms. and i got enough worms right now.

i kinda feel like she betrayed me by treating me like a random weirdo. she didnt have to like me back but i wanted her to have more respect for the time we were friends. its as if that meant nothing to her. thats what i am bothered by. and she feels betrayed by me because……i developed feelings towards her and started acting weird to her.  oh well.

like in the past if i had gone crazy and quit my job she might reach out and ask whats wrong, whats going on. now she just thinks im crazy and she doesnt care, because me liking her offended her so much. well, really, she was probably just SCARED when she saw how MUCH I liked her. she said wow this guy is crazy about me and that is too much to take.

ok fine thats valid. i wouldnt really want someone going CRAZY over me either. it would frighten me too. however i didnt feel i could control it either. i felt like i was losing control over everything, including the ability to do my job. also i already hated the job a lot, and this extra thing was making me hate it a lot more. pushed it from being barely tolerable to being definitely intolerable.

i did try to force the feelings a little bit. and shortly after that, boom the feelings were there. but i dont feel its as a result of my forcing, but rather its own perfect storm that culminated at that time: me finding out about the secret boyfriend was probably the biggest influence. catalyst. impetus. cause. whatever. i expected her to take a long time to get over her longterm rel which had just ended, i was shocked to see her jump right into something. and she would mention it to other people but not to me. and then that ended kinda quick and she was the loser there, weird, i rarely see women on the losing end. i think she was on the losing end with the long term thing too. maybe that was all the losing that she needed to make sure she would never be the loser again. cuz boy am i the big loser between me and her hahahaha. i was just completely devastated. still am. will be for a while. hope i dont become a bitter old woman hater. i thought i already was. then i got feels for her. but i just feel like my time is running out and the idea of dating sites disgust me.

i have never used a dating site, women don’t NEED to use dating sites EVER, so any woman on a dating site is a damn attention wh0re who will always find some stupid reason to dump her man, and she is past the Wall and thinks she deserves an alpha male doctor hahahahaha. well you think the doctors are using the dating sites hahahaha hell no, the men are beta and lesser losers like me. over 30 men with crappy jobs at best who are looking for over 30 single moms for hopefully easy secs.

fook yeah i prefer younger women. it was already kind of amazing that i as an old man even became just friends with an attractive young woman. it was amazing that i did not have the feelings earlier. why didnt i have the feelings earlier? maybe because i had trained myself into not getting feelings too soon! never get feelings for a gurl before you have secs with her like 9000000 times! dont fall in luv with a gurl right away! well i succeeded there.

plus i was still getting over the previous woman; plus i truly did not want to interfere with her current rel, i wanted them to fix that. and i think it was him that wanted to get out of it more than her! hence her being the loser there!

which i guess makes the Rebound Relationship not too surprising at all.

that ended even worse so i am surprised she didnt get into another rebound. she said she wouldnt. but she might be dating 10 different guys right now. but i know she has got some issues and i really dont think she is dating anybody and she really is taking a break!

i dunno i surprised myself with this woman, and feelings changing over time. maybe i could develop feelings for an older woman, or a single mother, or an ugly woman. shit many men have before me!

all attractive women are evil. hahahaha.

well we established that she didnt INTEND to cause me any harm, so i am not allowed to HATE her.

really i CAN empathize. I just scared her, because my feelings were too strong. shit I scared MYSELF with the intensity. and when youre scared of somebody, you unfriend them and block them and do not respond to them.

well i never INTENDED to scare her either hahaha. it just happened anyway.

kinda like they dont INTEND to hurt you when they say i dont share your feelings, but you cant HELP but be hurt by it. in this case she cant HELP but be scared by the guy that was once her friend falling MADLY in love with her at the worst possible time!

so yeah blurting it out in a short text message a few months earlier would have been better. just send her one text “hey i have feelings for you” “i have a crush on you.” done. you can have talks or emails or conversations after that if the person wants to and responds to you.

so i would say do that after about 3 months, NOT ten months, if you still cant get the person to hang out with you within 3 months.

i would imagine in MOST cases, you probably COULD get them to hang out with you within 3 months, and you can have that conversation in person, which is the best way to do it, and so this made things a little more complicated in my case. but the solution was still simple: blurt it out if they dont want to hang out with you, and you, like me, are an autistic loser who fooking HATES Signals and would prefer actual words.

well autists cant interpret conversations OR signals!

i can SORT OF interpret signals, except when they are telling me what i dont want to hear. THEN I need the Words. otherwise i will willfully disbelieve the damn signals because i am so desperate for luv.

i dont see THAT changing in the future. the only way that could change is to get a good taste or dose of that luv, have a solid rel with a woman for like 2 years at least, get it out of my fooking system, cuz i have not yet.

anyway i didnt mean to scare her that much. i guess thats probably why she is not responding, because she is too scared. i guess that kinda seals my fate doesnt it. she might get unscared in a while but if eer contact her again she will get scared. plus it probably wouldnt be good for me and my health to contact her again.

this could be a strictly LOVE SHY thing hahahaha.

this is about the ONLY time when i would ever recommend watching pornography, that disgusting poison which destroys people. when you are desperate to erase someone from your memory, and attempt to get your body to respond to any other woman. when you are simply not allowed to love who you had been loving, and you have to somehow get over them, and are living in a world of pain. then fook yeah watch porno every day. who gives a shit. just try not to think of that person at all, that is a real risk. like imaging other men doing these horrible porno things to her and blasting loads all over her ass and face and loads oozing out of every gaping orifice. good god.