kind of a blah day, was tired last night, slept ok for a while, but have been too dead to either go walk or even write, took till 3 o clock. not thinking about her so much as the absence of her, the sinking in and acceptance that it is over. that my luv is over and not wanted. no one on the pedestal. still hoping she will “pls respond” hahahaha. nope of course not.
strange not much urge to write even. i mean its over, i will never be with her, she will always hate me and has shut me out forever, its over and done, i am at rock bottom, no where to go but up hahahahaha. yeah right.
funny really. if i had never known her i would have never gotten the job either. my recent well-paying job fell into my lap with the easiest interview ever, because of her, and we were both able to start jobs there at the same time. well the interview was easy because they just need pieces of meat with a pulse, because they Overhire and expect to lay off a ton of people who Arent Good Fit, ie dont learn how to adapt to the shitty conditions FAST enough, or they just very understandably say OH HELL NO and quit, or get hit in the first round of layoffs, or just stop showing up. its that kind of job. possibly the main reason i didnt quit at the beginning, was because i got moral support from her then, and also i wasnt in love with her then. it was not until fairly later that i made a strong connection with the young man there, and as the woman decreased giving me moral support because i was weird and scary, i was able to get good moral support from him. its that kind of job where you always need lots of moral support. well at least i did hahaha. i needed more than most. always hanging on by a thread.
it is amazing how fast everything fell apart though. sure there was a distancing which started months ago, however during that time she also made a few hopeful statements, mixed messages, like she didnt mean to ignore me so much, and missed me. of course she said that before she KNEW.
hehe i learned about myself that i think commnication is extremely important. and that some people dont always agree with that. some people will refuse to have communication with you! and possibly go on to choose to communicate with cheaters and abusers hahahahaha. they are worth talking to apparently lol.
well this should (hehehehe) eat at her conscience more than it eats at mine hahahaa. imagine that. a woman with a conscience. never met one of those hahahaha. the disappointing thing is that she seemed like she had a conscience. she probably even DOES, she just doesnt want to use it with ME. unlucky.
open relationships and jealousy. i think the idea is that you love your partner so much you give them complete freedom to explore all their feelings in the future. i just dont know. that would prob be the situation where it works the best. and you dont bring in outside people for at least 2 or 3 years. rather than starting off with her dating 10 people hahahahahahaha. i remember telling woman 3 “oh sure of course we can date other people too!” because i was so desperate to have her back in any capacity, that i would share her with other men. well when there is no jealousy, you realize that you never OWN another person so they are never YOURS to “SHARE”. they are always free to do whatever you want and you can either accept it or get jealous and mad about it. sure go ahead fook other guys, let me PREP THE BULL while im at it hahahahaha.
kinda the way i see it is, if i’m willing to be a one woman man, “my” woman should be willing to be a one man woman! mutually agreed upon monogamy. well i guess you can have mutually agreed upon non monogamy. thats ok. but when NEVER works is when each person wants DIFFERENT things. one wants monogamy, the other wants non monogamy. that will absolutely never work.
i liked her because she seemed to like monogamy, she hated cheaters and cheating, i liked that about her. she seemed like a person who only ever did monogamy, and who herself never cheated. these are very attractive qualities for a woman for me IMHO.
im a damn man whos supposed to want to fook everything that moves, and i never wanted to date more than one woman at once. so hows a woman with a uterus who is supposed to be VERY SELECTIVE and CAUTIOUS, wanting more than one man at once?
i mean some people are just not very geared to monogamy. you can tell. others are however. i definitely am. and i like it when i can say a woman DEFINITELY seems monogamous. she did. i have met plenty of women (and men) who have not. in fact it might be 50 50.
yeah it just sucks to lose the connection we once had. we used to be pretty close and she said i was a good friend and it felt good to be close to a woman, hadn’t been that close to a woman in years, well emotionally speaking. where you trust each other and respect each other and like each other. very sad to have that die in the worst possible way.
then i imagined of course another worse case dream scenario: that, when asked about our Good Friendship, she would say: we were never that good of friends, that was something he added in his mind after the fact. we were inor level friends but nothing too serious. he never wanted to get too close. we were never really as close as he thought. hes just emotionally overreacting of course. its all in his crazy weird psycho mind. there was not really a lot there. there was a little, but not a lot, not nearly as much special stuff as he thought. if he thought that was special he obviously has never been in even a short term relationship.
see how you dissect everything in the worst possible way?
50% of people are monogamous, 50% of people are nonmonogamous. this is why 50% of marriages fail hahahaha. well you should be able to tell somewhat easily. i was able to tell pretty soon with her, even when we were just friends, i could tell right away that she didnt like cheaters and didnt want to cheat or date more than one person.
other people give a decidedly different vibe, of not taking sex or relationships seriously, always one foot out the door, revolving door of lovers, serial daters, then multiple lovers, etc. or you see the girl and think welp id bang her but she would be a HORRIBLE gurlfran or a HORRIBLE wife (but not necessarily a bad single mother! she’s not bad at taking care of her children, just at choosing the fathers of them.) anyway you can tell pretty easily.
but how can 50% of people be so damn different? is their any evolutionary basis? in fact evolution would probably say the MONOGAMOUS people are the weird ones. becuase most mammals are not monogamous, and alpha males have harems and many offspring, beta males die out with no offspring.
but monogamy has a benefit for HUMANS who have Higher Investment Children, with such a long infancy period.
but then a village or a harem of wives could also help raise children, not necess one man and one woman monogamously.
so my question is where does monogamy come from.
i honestly think its great. i wouldnt want to give it up. i have always wanted a monogamous companion. maybe it comes from Religion or Culture and its Patriarchal, Weird, Bad, and Rapey. i dont even care. its who i am, its what i want, i identify with monogamy in my identity.
it happens with guys too of course. the guys who are in monog rels, but are always commenting on other women, oh id bang the shit out of her, always looking at porno, going to strip clubs. but i guess sometimes this is a cover for other things, and they dont necessarily want to cheat on their wives. i say they should, just get it over with and live honestly.
it just sucks to get rejected by another monogamous person that you really like. and the sad thing is that she may well be on the path from being transformed from monogamous to nonmonogamous. the bad thing about nonmonogamous is that you treat people like fook meat, you cant really fall in luv with people, you take dicks without feeling and become dead inside and your soul dies bit by bit.
well what about the nonmonogamous people that arent like that. the ones who have loving open relationships. well good for them i guess.
i am just very sad about her fooking other guys, when i would have consider secs with her to be truly “making luv”, when you have secs with someone you have deep feelings for, it is truly different. nonmonogamous and normies dont understand this hahahahaha. that secs with someone you Luv is something else altogether. cuz theyve never had secs with someone they luved, because they have lost the ability to truly luv hahahaha. and so she can go wilfully choose luvless secs with random strangers, and she just treated me like a stranger weirdo creep rather than a human being she had known for years. its the seeing somebody do a complete 180 which is so mindfooking. like they have become a completely different person.
i just cannot have this happen again. ideally i would just go back and deal with her like a normal person would. but this is insane. i cant believe another guy got to be with her for years and bang her many times and cuddle with her for hours. and many other guys will do the same. and i would have luved her more than any of them lol. hahahaha. yep definitely at rock bottom now lol.