aug 7

writing and writing. i am just going with the flow and hoping that by writing obsessively i will get it out of my system. i mean i cant do anything else but walkjog and i am doing that too.

just to be clear. i dont like sean hannity, i dont like bill o reilly, about the only mainstream journalists i might like are ann coulter and pat buchanan. possibly mark steyn and possibly glen beck. possibly breitbart. but i dont like zionists and think we should stop being such huge allies with israel. i do not trust that state of israel at all. obviously because i am a huge racist anti semite hahahaha a bigot, a jew hater. well i would be, as a huge basement dwelling virgin loser, i would be the perfect white neo nazi right.

which is why i dont want to get too much into politics, because i cannot have an informed opinion about anything because i am such an emotional loser, controlled by emotion and prejudice. so obsessed with women and luv and trying to make ends meet and get and hold down a 15DAHJob, that I cant think intelligently about anything else.

and right now thats true, i have no confidence in my ability to think intelligently about anything! hire me! date me!

why the hell cant a party run more than one candidate?

well they are replaying the debate so i better watch it and try to sleep and not have bad dreams. i actually have social plans tomorrow to see the young man friend from my job, my former job, and intend to have a good heart to heart talk with him. i do not expect him to really be able to give any advice per se. the best thing he can do is kinda sorta understand why i did what i did, and where im coming from. and as a man who obviously loves his own wife and they married young, i think he understands the idea of luv, and luvs his wife deeply in what i consider an ideal marriage.

he very well might try to convince me to come back. and this is why he kinda needs to know about the woman. i mean she is the reason i dont want to go back. that and it was a horrible job. and i am starting to think this whole thing was GODS Weird Mysterious Ways to get me to leave this job which he did not intend for me to have. wasnt meant to be. i mean this job CLEARLY wasnt meant to be and i am ok with that. a lot more than i am about accepting the fact me and the woman werent meant to be.

it just sucks that i used to be confident with some of my callers, fake confidence and fix their problems and make them happy, and do things i never thought i could do. i still dont know how i did it. but i could not fake that same confidence with the woman to make her like me hahahaha.

i guess you cant make someone like you. but i dont know. because its a fact women like confident, masculine men. and the more confident you are the more likely a woman would like you. and here i was really desperate for her to like me. not so much for being liked, but because i loved her, and wanted to be with her for at least a little while. at least a year or two hahahaha.

aug 8

met with male friend and i had decided to spill my guts because we have special connection between us which is almost gay and i dont care. about the potential gayness. i do care that he is a great person i can trust and he can trust me so in a way i am actually kind of intimate with him. we are both huge sensitive sissy niceguys but he has managed it better than me, and is able to cope with life, maintain relationships, have a Close Relationship with his partner, etc. and just as i spilled my guts to him and  it felt good to share that with someone who wasnt a shrink or family lol.  and he spilled some pretty heavy stuff on me too. nothing bad, just very interesting and kinda intense and something you dont tell somebody unless you damn trust them. so i was honored to be that person.  like i say, things are pretty special between me and this guy, it is not your conventional male on male friendship hahahaha. and might even look GAY to the outside observer.

indeed now i am thinking about things he said which of course i will not repeat here! which may allow me to change my perspectives on other peoples relationships. even if im not sure i could do the same thing myself. i dont really have to make those same kind of decisions thank god.

had one puff of medical herbs which did decrease my confidence and my communication skills, however it seems to have chilled me out after that was over. thankfully it was no more than one puff.

well i might be able to share things he said about my story. he told his stories about when he liked people and how he liked to tear the bandaid off pretty soon and just blurt it out by saying “hey i have a crush on you” and i liked that. which is of course what i should have done at an earlier time, my problem is that i was trying to meet in person to do that. he might have given me moral support that it was a little weird of her to not want to meet me at all, or unfriend and block me. maybe i just wanted that moral support that i wasnt crazy or weird for wanting to talk about the situation.

i admitted i was probably weird and pushy and ultimately scared her away, but he also gave the useful perspective that it’s not automatically pushy or weird, it’s simply wanting to be DIRECT. that was a positive spin and i cant really argue with it. absolutely i wanted to be DIRECT. thats how it started out. i wanted to talk about the issue directly and not just send these stupid signals back and forth. signals are ok and they can do the job, but they dont do it well in other words, they need to be fleshed out and backed up and supported by a direct talk, to talk about the damn signals and the feelings they are trying to communicate.

but i totally spilled the guts and rambled on the whole story for a whole hour, like talking to the shrink. if you find a person you can ramble to for an hour as honestly as you would to a shrink, uh thats a good sign. try to keep that friend in your life. it is good to be able to be close and honest like that with someone who is not a shrink or even family.

its funny. i had more talk with him in this one day than i ever did with her. if i could have only commuincated with her like that for a couple damn hours, well that probably wouldnt have changed anything, but it would have been a MUCH better ending than the super shitty disappointing ending we had. it would still be disappointing but i would have been happier knowing that we had at least had a Damn Exchange of thoughts. you can still have some sort of exchange even if your feelings are one-sided. you can still have a two-sided exchange of thoughts.

i dont know why i need this damn communication so much. its not like it would change the outcome. well because i think it would make the bad news easier to stomach, easier to work through, and when i reject people, i like to make it easy for them. its what i would have done, treating people like i want to be treated essentially. very simple.

its very hard to accept a cold freeze out, very hard to accept no talking whatsoever. i mean in terms of leading up to the end. of course now no contact makes perfect sense. im talking about before the actual end. that is the time to talk. i just wanted some vindication that i wasnt the bad guy for wanting to talk and that i was entitled to be a little upset about that.

a LITTLE upset? i completely went off the deep end though!

but its different when you have to see the person every day at your mentally demanding job where you need to focus.

in a way the mentally demanding job where you need to focus might be a GOOD thing if you are undergoing Home or Family or Relationship or Personal Life stress. you go to WORK to get away from the EVEN WORSE stress at home. hehehehe millions of people do this.

but when the two things are one and the same, the same environment, i personally cant get around that. my sensitive sissy feels are too much.

it also would have been different if i were on a higher level, if i were a level 2 or 3. then i wouldnt have done this. but there was no chance of me ever moving up from level 1 and i was a little angry about that too.

its just hilarious that i had a much much much better talk with HIM than i ever had with HER! both in quantity and quality, over just one afternoon of hanging out! I think that shows how little and how poor the communication with the woman was.

i dunno i just cant see how communication is such a bad thing. oh well maybe in certain situations it doesnt help. hehehe bullshit it would have helped me, and i dont think it would HURT her!

thats an ever better argument for my point: when is honest, direct, open communication more HURTFUL to a person than just shutting up and never talking?

the communication would have been GOOD for me, and it wouldnt have been THAT BAD for her. COME ON. REALLY. i have a do no harm life philosophy. i wasnt trying to talk to HURT HER. and i dont think the talk would have hurt her.

now my problem is in the past, i wanted to hurt people who hurt me. but they didn’t MEAN to hurt me, they just did anyway because of the rejection. but you dont WANT to hurt someone when you reject them. you just cant return their feelings thats all.

so maybe i could not WANT to hurt her by talking, but it still would have ended up hurting her anyway.

i dunno i dont think it would have hurt nearly as much as a damn rejection! she wasnt the one in damn luv, i was! i lost a lot more than she did here!

so she didnt mean to hurt me. ok fine. fair enough. but it still damn hurts to be around and see that person regularly. even if they didnt MEAN To hurt you. the rejection still hurt, and seeing them every say hurts because it is a painful reminder.

so yeah its on me, its a mark of my weakness, that, when i have to see the person, i get angry, and passive aggressive, and jealous, and bitter and resentful to see them happy and liking other people, even though they didn’t MEAN me any harm by not liking me. it still hurts to be around them and see them liking other people. when you kinda still like them in a hopeless way, when youre still not OVER them really. in a way you never get over them really, you just dont see them for years, or hopefully ever, and your heart scars over where it once loved them, and once you get the scar, you can move on to love someone else. and repeat the same tragic process hahahaha.

really am i such a bad weird guy because i prefer no contact to contact? and because i am prone to slip up and do stupid emotional shit when there is contact? its not good karma for me to give them pain sure, when they didnt intend me any pain. but my rationalization hahahaha is that even me being bitchy to them causes them less pain that what i suffered, whether they MEANT it or not. its not as painful as what i went through. they can damn handle it hahahaha. so they have to suffer the rejected beta male being a bitch. its a hell of a lot easier than being the rejected beta male! but its still bad karma though, because at that point, you’re kinda intending them a little pain, when they didn’t intend any pain for you.

but also they HAD to know it would cause you pain. sure you can not INTEND pain but there’s no way around that pain, pain is GONNA happen whether you want it to or not, and you cant just say its all on THEM because you did not intend the pain. Pain is just simply an inherent, unavoidable consequence of rejection, period, always and forever, that is a FACT. a TRUTH.

anyway it sucks to be a bad person and WANT to cause somebody pain. and i have been there. its like i wanted to punish them for just not leaving me alone after they rejected me. just leave me alone unless you want to Get Back Together!

(taylor swift is actually doing the mature thing by communicating with the 9000000 guys she fooked and whose hearts she broke by telling them in no uncertain ambiguous terms, “we are never ever ever getting back together.” )

well, in that case i felt like the woman had made a choice to put herself more in my social circles, a choice she didn’t have to make, so i was angry at her, when i inevitably saw her more often. that was 10 years ago hahahaha.  but in the current case, no choices are being made. she cant choose to leave me alone. and this is the best way i can really choose to leave her alone. also i have a better safety net and can get away with this.

also if i had a higher level job i wouldnt have done this. even if the person was there.

if the person were not there, we wouldn’t even have this situation. i would take a few mental health days, long weekend, stay in bed and cry for 4 days, then be thankful to go to work as a way to get my mind OFF that other shit.

but cant do that when the other shit is AT work. not implying that a person is shit, just that the situation is undeniably shitty!!!!!