aug 6

i would never want to be president. but all these damn candidates really do! and its interesting watching how they answer ridiculous questions. we could ALL learn from that. if you can be confident to answer tough questions, you can do anything. you can get a good job and get a good wife. i love that confidence. i wish i had it. even the worst presidential candidate has enough charisma to live a decent life.

anyway. yeah it was just the perfect shitstorm. last heartbreak was nothing compared to this. she was a decent woman too, but she gave me much better closure; plus i didnt “pull the trigger” until she left our mutual loser job for a good career job once she graduated with her useful degree; and i could do the job with a distracted mind, never had any lack of confidence in my ability to do my job. i never questioned, how the hell am i gonna do my job? even while in the depths of despair. also i think i was not as hot on that woman. the luv seems stronger and more intense this time. i certainly suffered more, cried more, lost more sleep, over recent one.

maybe it will all burn out and i can go back to seeing her every day at work. even for just 4 hours. hahahaha. well it will burn out IF i dont see her.

i just wish i was more like a normalfag. being a sensitive pussy omega male is interfering with my ability to live my damn life, do my damn job.

this is gonna be damning for me, but i’ve noticed that good decent men who i respect, when they get into long term successful rels or marriages, tend to marry less attractive women than i think they deserve. i think, he is such a great man, he deserves a more attractive wife. sure she is a great person, great personality, a good moral decent woman sure, but shes just not that attractive. i mean ive pulled more attractive women than that when i was young hahahaha.

so i really am kinda prejudiced against attractive women, because i think all attractive women are evil or heartbreakers or something. and that unattractive women are kinder better people than attractive women…..but im not attracted to unattractive women.

so learn. you gon learn today.

and i never wanted to learn. i see unattractive women who are very nice and of course they have boifrans, classic betas, and they seem so happy, yet i think, well i guess i could be friends with an unattractive woman, but to fall in luv with them? i cant see it.

but i did learn that i can surprise myself. i never thought i could fall in luv after 2 years of being just friends. but her being young and attractive certainly helped!

so therefore i could maybe fall in luv with an old, unattractive woman, if we got along well enough.

and maybe i could go back to work there and see her every day without going nuts.

and maybe i could be president and get a super qt 18 year old wife hahahaha.

yeah i mean i can LEARN SOMETHING out of this all, like blurt it out, dont ever dance around shit with your female friends, but i just dont think those lessons are VALUABLE enough. i would have rather just gotten the girl and lived happily ever after for 2 months until she dumped me lol. so yeah to get a few mediocre lessons feels like a net loss for me.  i mean those lessons are not that great. i would have much rather had everything work out.

but theres no law saying life is fair. or that it shouldnt be a net loss. or that the lessons should be GREAT.

what else. dont be weird. hahahaha. i was becoming increasingly weird because i didn’t blurt it out, and because i did dance around uncomfortable topics in the past. but so did she! and when i wanted to finally not dance around them, she STAUNCHLY refused. i mean im not blameless but neither is she.

gotta love these POSTMORTEMS.

i dont know if id want to be the CHOOSER though. because being a young attractive woman she will get nothing but guys throwing themselves at her, and i suppose that’s gotta be tiring, but more important, the idea of being a “Serial dater” who always has one foot out the door. its like when you forget what day it is. you can’t even remember what guy you’re with. trying to get over one guy, yet being with another guy, maybe dumping him. just going through guy after guy after guy has to wear you down, and youre not doing the guys any favor either just treating them like faceless nameless meat.

because as the chooser its got to be tempting to Never Be Single. simply because you have that privilege. you never have to be Single if you dont want to be.

i mean i never expected her to date another guy so soon after her original longass rel broke up. i figured it would take her years to get over it, and maybe We could date once she got over it. but these women move FAST. very soon she was dating another guy. that ended badly and supposedly broke her heart. then she said she wanted to be single for a long time. well when women say “A LONG TIME” they mean like 3 months tops hahahaha. i mean i can see that women move FAST because of their Biological Clock i guess. but even still it seems a little too fast. but ive always moved godawfully slow. so if i EVER get with a woman by definition its gonna be too fast for my comfort.

i mean she could be dating somebody new RIGHT NOW and i would never know. the way women go through men like a damn chain smoker. maneater hahahaha. whoa oh here she comes, watch out boy shell chew you up hahahaha.

btu every question introduces new question. if that were the case, why the hell would she be so adamant about talking at all? She could either say Aw thats so sweet but sorry i dont like you. OR the other variant SIGH ok ive had enough, this is ridiculous, im not interested, please stop this now.

but neither one. youd think a “maneater” would be more professional about rejecting men. but maybe she hadnt become a full blown maneater yet. she wasnt when i met her. she was an innocent nice decent marriageable girl. for a number of reasons i wasnt interested in her and wanted her to get married to her boifran, to fix their issues.

the fact that there was a long term boifran, well i accepted that from the very beginning. i was fine with that. if she had been single when i met her, or if i could determine that she was a Serial Dater Maneater, then things would have been a lot different. because a Serial Dater who gets a new man every 2 months, thats real promising hahahahaha a real turn on. no, in that case i probably would have realized our personalities were incompatible. but in the beginning, in the good old days, our personalities were a very good match. we got along very naturally and easily, and she almost seemed like a young female version of me. i certainly dont meet those every day! im not sure i have ever met a woman that seemed like ANY kind of version of me!

hehehehe what kind of person goes on the internet and invades peoples privacy and gives these ridiuclous postmortems? well you dont know me, you dont know her, and i intend to keep it that way. i am making an effort not to give any truly identifying information. now THAT would be bad karma!!!!!

but i want to show how we lonely lazy losers fall in luv, and what happens when our senstive heart breaks. that it is worse when a normalfags wife dies hahahahaha.

and also to desperately redeem my own life which has hit rock bottom.

behind every attractive young women are 10 men like me writing books on the internet hahhahahaha or they just get so heartbroken they K themselves.

thats a good question. how many hearts has the average attractive young say 25 year old woman broken? 10? 20? 1? 2? 5? how many of these men went off the deep end and K’d themselves? prob not more than 1 or 2 hahahahahaha.

but thats still 1 or 2 more than i would like! it should be 0!

of course when the guy Ks himself that is on HIM, not on her!

anyway i write because right now it is the only thing i have enough confidence in myself to do, and it doesnt take any guts or confidence to write!

but it sucks to fall for someone so deeply and you never had an actual relationship with them. the pain and grief and heartbreak im feeling now, i would say this is only appropriate if you were in a monog long term rel with them for at least TWO FULL YEARS.

well, we were planktonic friends for two years! but you know what i mean. even during that time we were not hanging out All The Time like real Lovers do, we werent going on Lovers Vacations, we werent sharing tons of secrets, maybe only a couple, we certainly weren’t having secs hundreds of times, spending hundreds of hours touching and cuddling, getting to know absolutely everythign about each other by talking to each other for hours and hours. that is what builds a True Luv Relship over hundreds of hours, over several years. as a platonic friend i was not hanging out with her a super lot either. i maybe could have if i wanted to, but i didnt want to Lead Her On!

it is SO FOOKIN WEIRD how it all turned out. that I fell in luv with HER, and wanted to hang out with her all the time, and completely went off the deep end!

basically i had deeper feelings for her than i thought, and that is scary. because nothing in our past really warranted these feelings. we had a good two year friendship but we were not really hanging out more than once a month even THEN! i let her tell me secrets and confide in me, but i never really confided in her. and when i started to try to confide muh feelings to her, she pulled away, because she very simply didnt want my feelings.

this is all SO SIMPLE!!!!! yet it haunts me and tortures me and has rekt all muh confidence and i can never see her again!

sure my expectations are too high: i want a wife i am madly in luv with like i was with this woman, with several other women, and i can’t accept the reality that many if not most people are not madly in love with their wives, they loved other women more, but they married their wives because this was the only woman who loved THEM, who wouldn’t dump them.

i really do care about Loving more than Being Loved. What difference does it make if you find a woman who loves you more……..if you don’t love HER at least just as much as you loved these other women who rejected you and broke your heart? thats the crux for me. what do you feel yourself towards the person. not what do they feel towards you. it doesnt’ matter IMHO if they love you if you dont love THEM. period.

so thats what bothers me about the “they werent right for you because they didnt love you” argument. “youll find someone one day who DOES love you.” yeah well i really dont care as much about BEING loved that I do about giving the love. FEELING the actual love for the other person. it is like heroin for the soul hahahaha. and their soul may be filled with heroin for you, but who cares if your soul is not filled with heroin for THEM.

and honestly it wouldnt matter if i saw her for only ONE HOUR a day. i would still see her EVERY DAY and thats what matters.