aug 6

yeah son cannot stop writing. have to get this out of my system. went for a powerjog. might do another maybe.  so i could go back to my job after like 2 months. but how would i react to seeing woman? would that be stressful or not? more importantly, could i deal with it? well yes it would be stressful and i could possibly deal with it; or i would view it as another desperate attempt to try to “win her back” which is the worst idea ever, but i am desperate enough to do something that stupid; i mean i ALMOST stalked a gurl in 2005 i was in such bad shape! i mean i knew stalking was wrong but i was angry and indeed wanted some sort of revenge on her for breaking my heart! so i did not handle that well, i realize that now.  i mean i never did anything violent to her. i think i drunkenly spat beer on her car, for example. not too standup but not too horrible either.

also its different when you work together vs being in occasionally crossing social circles. because you see your coworkers a lot more than you see your friends and family. fooking sad but true.

yeah in an ideal world, i would not go back, because seeing her is too risky. i mean if i were a super confident strong male, no problem, id have bitches swinging off deez nutz right now, then she would say ooo an alpha male, and she would be swinging off deez nutz soon as well. but i am not confident and alpha like that.

so i should be grateful i have a damn safety net right? and then take advantage of that safety net? but i also hate being weak and loser enough that i constantly need a damn safety net!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 99% of men my age do not need a safety net! you should not need a safety net after age 18!

its amazing i went from a relative peak to relative minimum in the short span of 10 months. from top to bottom. oh well at my advanced age, its best that this happens quickly. tear the bandaid off. tear the duct tape off the bearded face hahahaha.


.gif .avi .mov .wav hahahaha

lets add a Wilhelm Scream in there as well hahahaha.

when a woman really likes you she will give you CHANCES. its not just one strike and youre out. its not a matter of you did one thing wrong, so thats why you didnt get the girl. basically this is to reassure myself, that there’s nothing i COULD HAVE done to make this work. she NEVER would have wanted to be with me. the only thing i could have possibly done was perhaps help it end less explosively. i never would have gotten her to talk though.

the main thing i could have done was ignore it myself. and i just couldnt see myself doing that. i couldnt ignore it at all. it was eating me up. shit i tried to ignore it but it kept coming back.

plus i think its generally better to not ignore things that to ignore them, especially regarding your honest feelings. i was not going to live a lie!

i was concerned that she thought i was LYING to her, when the whole reason i was being WEIRD was because i DIDNT want to lie to her! plus i was giving hints. they might not have been the best hints, but they were definitely hints. shit its still eating me up. i mean im sure it will dissipate with time, it always does, but again i need to do no fooking contact, and that means no emailing her in 3 months to “check in!”

ok what if she contacts me? well i would respond to her but i would say something like…..well i would even meet her ONCE if she wanted to. and basically there would have to be a lot of hugging and crying and very heart to heart talking there, because am i gonna STOP wanting her? probably not. am i going to want to be just friends with her while she dates other guys? hell to the no! so i would say all that at the hypothetical, prob will never happen, meeting. and then it would end with her saying yes yes i want to date you too and it would end with us making out right then and there and living happily ever after.

but i was able to coexist with her even though i had feelings for her and she didn’t have feelings for me. but that was BEFORE. and it was kinda a shitty coexistence. there were unresolved issues roiling beneath the surface. and then they exploded. the good thing is that this is a real CHANGE. i mean you just CANT go back after this. cant put the toothpaste back in the tube. cant go back. i mean we never had The Talk, but shit certainly got REAL, also i clearly said “i have feelings for you” in a text and two emails.

i mean why the hell would i WANT to go back to coexisting with her, me having feelings for her, her having no feelings for me? there is absolutely NO benefit to me. i mean that would fooking HARM me. and on that issue i am entitled to be selfish.

in the past we were trying to be nice to each other. all that is out the window now. i go back there, she most likely will be continuing to ignore me. and she would ignore me a lot better than i would ignore her. i would try to ignore her but anger would be under the surface. i dont want to have to work like that. however maybe that would keep me from overthinking and freaking out about the job, cuz my mind would be on that.

well, more than likely, i  would be same situation as i was recently: where i felt like I couldnt DO my work because of the other thing; and facing my work and saying “i am incapable of this” and feeling like running away and crying; rather than half assedly serving customers like the fat woman at the DMV hahahahaha god i WISH i could be like that! on halfass autopilot all day and just not care.

but its rough because i dont know if i ever had a chance. probably NOT. really what difference does it make. timing. when i really wanted the chance, i just didnt have it, thats for sure. i didnt have it when it mattered. and even if she did like me in the past, i cant go back in time. also at that time i wanted her to improve relations with her then boifran. when we first became friends she had a boifran and i knew it but damn did she never talk about him until she really trusted me. and then i had the thought of “i hope she doesnt like me, i want her to fix things with him, i have no interest in trying to break them up or steal her from him, or make her cheat on him,” and thats the truth, because i hate damn cheaters and ive NEVER cheated, or gotten anyone to cheat, which puts me in like the 1%. everybody is a damn filthy cheater. nobody cares. ok jogging time again. i can get in the 5.6 miles today.

ok did that. damn. i realize even if i lose all the weight i want to lose and become skinny, thats not gonna fix my other issues.

see a desperate low self esteem unconfident woman has no problem getting men. maybe she chooses the wrong men because of her issues.

but unless you are a total alpha male, to be a man and get women you have to become a damn buddhist monk with 10 years of monkish study in how to become fooking zen and extinguish all your damn desire. having an obsessive nonwoman related hobby like rocket science or petroleum engineering or finance or electrical engineering or tinkering or inventing or something helps too. i never really had that. closest thing was writing, and there is no training or skill involved there. you just sit there and write shit and hope you write better, but more than likely you will write yourself into a damn hole hahahahaha. writing is the worst interest you can have because it hurts you rather than helps you. its basically like being born a dirty drug addict who can never quit drugs and eventually dies of an overdose.

well the good news is that i have made up my mind to tell my trusted male friend from the job. he and his wife are the only people from the job that i can trust to tell the story, but should i? because it might be bad karma. well it would be if i didnt trust them. and if i said bad shit. but im not gonna say any bad shit about her. but since they know both me and the woman, and i trust them, and they were shocked when i left the job, i feel i can trust them with a full explanation. they might think im a psycho. but these are a couple of kids who got married at like age 22 and they are a beautiful loving couple. i like people who fall in luv young and then get married young. they should really have some kids but people cant afford to have damn kids nowadays and thats sad. anyway they are great people and i enjoy the closeness and trust there. and i dont see any underlying secret crushes on my end Tainting that hahahaha.