FREEZE OUTS DESTROY THE CONFIDENCE

aug 14

yeah still not doing too good. still right at rock bottom. can barely bring self to walk let along jog. still obsessed in the mind about the woman. i am begging GOD to “please GOD get her out of my mind.” it is hard to believe that things were ever normal here. that i was not obsessed with her. that i did not have feelings for her. that i didnt want her and was even thinking of friends of mine who may be good for her, because “she deserves a good man.”  cuz i thought,, well i should have feelings for her but i dont, so i should think about friends of mine that are lonely and want a good woman and would be good to a woman. maybe several months of thinking about that, then noticing her secret boifran, flipped my switch, into thinking WELL, WHY NOT ME.

heheh. in the past if i had been going mental and quit my job she would have shown concern and been like “whats wrong” and shown some care or concern. thats part of why i am so hurt. like what did i do that was SO WRONG to make her go from caring about me to hating me and not caring about me at all. damn.

anyway this is beating a dead horse.

aug 15

well she was pretty big part of my life for almost 3 years, and only increasingly so, as we started working together more.

its the coldness which kills me. not rejected just Romantically, but Entirely as a person: i think that’s even worse. i never want to see or talk to you again, you are dead to me. what the f did i DO? answer: i was a little weird because i had feelings for her and this weirdness made her uncomfortable.

but it shakes you to the core, totally destroys all confidence. you can be rejected romantically without being rejected as a person. thats what communication does. you have a nice talk with the person and say im sorry, but this isnt gonna work out the way you want. i dont hate you and i am sorry. but not this time. she has utterly turned her back on me as if i am the one hurting HER!

so yeah we really cant make any sense out of that. as rational beings we try to make sense of things, but you will go MAD if you try to make sense of this. there is no sense that CAN be made here.

just seeing her from a distance would be enough to kill my confidence. and our job, you need overconfidence at all times to talk to people all day and pretend like you know what you’re doing, pretend like super confusing technical things make sense to you.

will definitely make it hard to trust women again, since i trusted her in the past, thought she was a decent woman, and actually she IS a decent woman, and i hate to DEFEND her, but she’s honestly not a bad person, but she treated me more COLD than anyone has ever treated me.

i am especially sensitive to coldness and freeze outs and cold shoulders. when i was a collegefag i had a feud with my freshman year roommate where we suddenly stopped talking to each other altogether, which is the closest precursor to this. we started out having friendly talks then eventually concluded that the other guy was so weird that we had nothing left to say to each other, and it gets really weird when you dont say hello or stupid small talk to someone who is living in your room hahahaha.

it was hilarious, he was convinced that Intimate Relationships can only hurt and disappoint you, especially with Women, so his goal in life was to live alone on a desert island. At age 18 I thought this was super intense and very discouraging, i said no, you have to hold out hope, we all need the eggs man, ive gotten nothing but disappointment too but i still have hope! he later became a successful engineer and probably got a wife. hahahahaha. i continued on with 14+ years of disappointment in my failed attempts at Intimate Relationships, and became a huge unsuccessful failure loser hahahaha.

anyway that insane period of Freeze Out weakened my confidence that i could Get Along With People, that i was just Too Weird, and I looked towards Alcohol and W33d to Escape that sense of Weirdness.

well the woman never thought I was too weird until i began liking her!

hehehe dont believe what women SAY, don’t even believe what women DO. you could be having secs with them and post secs cuddling, and making out, and think oh boy i am in luv with this gurl, but then she still leaves you hanging. woman 2 used to do that. we would have such a nice time and then she would always leave way before i wanted her to. so you remember the painful memory of her walking out the door more than you remember the good memory of having good times.

well i never had secs or made out with latest woman but i enjoyed spending time with a decent person and there being mutual trust and appreciation. but that good does not outweigh the bad of her just utterly Freezing Me Out and Abandoning me. thus it was a net loss and not a net gain.

and i simply will never believe that i did anything SO bad to deserve SUCH hurtful and extreme treatment. she hurt me WAY more than i hurt her.

but of course i can theoretically forgive her because i know she didnt’ MEAN to hurt me that much, that she didnt really know what she was doing, that she was overwhelmed by things in her life, that she is not an inherently bad person, etc. it jsut sucks that when a good person does one of the few horrible things theyve ever done in their life, they do it to me!

also this ended in THE WORST possible way it could have ever ended. worst case scenario happened. given that we are both decent people it SHOULD have ended a lot better. i just got unlucky as hell. it ended worse than anything has ever ended for me. even woman 2 and 3 ended things better. they talked to me and said im sorry.

with this woman i was apologizing all the time like the worlds worst beta. i was saying im sorry sorry sorry 9000000 times a day. im sorry for being weird, im sorry for being pushy. and then me saying sorry all the time was itself weird and pushy. i dunno i felt in between a rock and a hard place.

and i do not take well to freeze outs. destroys the confidence. worst possible way to end a rel. lets try for something better.

so its good i have not started drinking again eh? i guess but i would probably abuse painkillers if i could get my hands on them! but i cant so thats probably good!

welp this will turn me into a cheater. because i will never want another woman more, will never be able to CONNECT with a woman again, damn. so i will become a cheater. but i will become an ethical, honest cheater hahahaha. i will come right out and say, welp baby, its not that im afraid of commitment, i just dont want to committ to anyone anymore, all the commitment is out of my system. so lets just fook whoever we want and always be nonmonogamous and i dont like you all that much anyway and i will never be over this gurl.

beating dead horse again eh?

it just sucks that it takes SO LONG to get over.

aug 17

well i have been dead to the world a couple days and today i sent a perhaps ill advised email to the person. the woman. woman6/8. my nemesis hahahaha.

i last sent her an email 3 weeks ago and thought that might be the last. but lately i have been getting the urge again.

i dont think its excessive to send her emails once every 3 weeks. especially if it is Cathartic. well, its a little cathartic. i got a boost of energy after sending it. i know she will never respond, i have even less expectation of a response than before. in fact, i know there is a 99% chance she will not even READ it, as she will delete it without reading it; open it and see how long it is and delete it; or has blocked my email address from sending to her email address.

so then send from a new or throwaway email address right? to guarantee it at least gets to her inbox? you can see how this is ridiculous. no i wasn’t gonna do that. if she’s blocking my email, that’s her problem not mine.

anyway it was the most beautiful email ever written, the most beautiful thing ever said by one person to another. it would melt a heart of stone. of course she will probably never read it.

the most beautiful things ever written, are never read.

it is one person pouring their heart out to another, and the other person throwing the message away without reading it. like jenny throwing forrest gumps letters away. returning to sender i should say.

hehehe jenny gump and margo tenenbaum are the worst women in movies ever. somebody should indict these filmmakers as the woman haters they truly are. not all women are like that hahahaha! they have to be woman haters to portray women as such terrible people!

i am tempted to copy the email here, redacting personal and identifying information of course, just so SOMEBODY could possibly appreciate the beauty of it all, as she prob will never read it.

so yeah i might do that. worst case scenario i just take it down later if i think that could improve karma. karma is at rock bottom anyway. plus i wrote the thing to give and have good karma, plus i will scrub it of any personal identifying details.

CONNECTION / WANTING TO TRY

aug 13

late at night. i should not even be writing. damn. so yeah this is by far the worst heartbreak of the whole life. only thing that comes close is woman 2 and 3, which were actually both in quick succession, both in the space of 1 year. cant believe i developed feels for 2 women in 1 short year, in fact it was 3 women, woman 4 was in there. but i never made out with her hahahaha. i did make out with woman 2 and 3, those two i pseudo dated before they dumped me for being too serious and they just wanted some casual fun. well they got what they wanted hahahaha.

i would love if woman6/8 (current) contacted me in a few months saying lets Reconnect and then we started dating and then i would have to bang her early because thats what all women want because thats what theyre used to, having secs within like 1 or 2 dates. then i would get serious all over again and she would probably dump me and i would be even more heartbroken. but at least i wouldnt be working with her hahahaha.

woman 2 and 3 were bona fide certified crazy bitches, just middle class career gurls, maneaters, who had done thru many men before me, and certainly many men after. i can see now how the match between me and them was horrible. there was no real connection, no foundation.

but i cant say that about this woman6/8. we had a connection, we got along well, we were similar, she was not a maneater, although she may be becoming one now, its sad. because of our “connection” i felt closer to her than i did to either woman 2 or 3, and i at least dated them for like few weeks hahaha. but out of all the women in my life, i think the connection with this woman was the most real, the deepest, the most meaningful, and thats why this is gonna hurt the most ever. and take the longest to get over. because it also ended horribly, no closure whatsoever; and because i cant hate her because she is not a bad person or a crazy bitch or a deceptive two face; because it also involves a job loss.

i try to go out and socialize when i can, but always end up comparing myself to the other people, who are well adjusted, gainfully employed, in rels, or not in rels and casually fooking people, and i think, well i like these people and they are more or less my friends, but they are totally different from me. it is hard to find a real connection. of course i try to look for the good in all peopel and its really not hard to find. but then more comparing. how come i just cant work a damn job like these people. they have a long day at work and can still come out and play trivia. when i was working i would go on hiatus from trivia because i couldn’t handle it. i would have to go to bed super early to try to sleep, just so i could squeeze in a short unsatisfying walk, and then study bullshit from my job. the cases of the day, cases of other people, shit i didnt understand, read shitty articles trying to clarify shit i didnt understand, and not getting anywhere becuase the articles sucked. were impossible to understand and often did not include useful information, because that was in secret documents given only to higher ups. that was how our company worked and why i wanted to get out of there, and also get out of the Field of Technical Support altogether. well i sure accomplished that!

so i try to tell myself thats what GODS PLAN was for me in this trial. but what does GOD want me to do next? contact this woman in 3 months hahahaha? no because i will always want her. if she contacts me then thats somewhat different. i mean i would tell her yeah lets hang out and talk, but i will always have feelings for you, i will always wonder what if, i will always want to give this a try. but she probably wont contact me!

so yeah it feels like i will never get over this, over her. but it is still super early. it will definitely take a long time. last time i made a big deal out of, well its gonna take at least 100 days. i kinda had fun with it. i cant do that now. i can barely get out of bed. also we had decent closure there, and i wasnt as attached to her. and i could still cope with life, do my job, do my stupid math classes. i recall it took longer than 100 days as well! but certainly less than 200 hahaha. then i saw that woman again like 9 months later and THAT was rough, that put me into a bit of a funk and i think i decided to increase my dose of paxil, which i was trying to cut back on because it was poison. then i said fook it, i did not want to see her again, pump me full of drugs, im desperate.

at this time i was developing my friendship with woman6/8! and me still getting over woman 5/7 also prevented me from getting super duper lovey dovey with woman6/8, and of course she had a long rel ongoing at the time.

in contrast to now, those were such good times!!!!

i am also a bit angry because it is not looking good to get my old job back, i have applied and sent a nice email to the manager. i dont really want to call them. recall this is the same place where i was on the short list for a sweet full time position late last year (shortly after my feels for the woman came into being.) i was pretty angry about not getting the job. now here i am applying for a much much lesser job in the department and not even getting a chance for an interview because they are probably gonna hire a 19 year old college student, and just dont want to even deal with me ever again. i mean i was essentially trying to beg for a favor, without trying to sound like i was begging. because you gotta always be positive. cant ever speak freely.

very mixed feelings about leaving my job. the one i was workign with the woman, getting good hours and good pay. more i think about it though, more i am not really that regretful about leaving it. it was a horrible job, and also workign with her would drive me mad, it already was.

i was going more crazy abotu the job, already staying up late, losing more sleep than usual, reading stupid cases and articles, even though i wasnt doing calls on those issues. writing more, staying up late writing, because i vowed to “expose these faggots” and really just vent all the 9000000000000000 tons of anger i had about the job and give examples of how stupid it was.

i might have been able to last one more 10 month season if she was not there. but her being there def pushed me over the edge, which i was definitely at already. and i am sure her being there helped pushed me TO the edge as well. definitely. it was affecting the work i was doing already. this is why you never fall in luv with a coworker. unless you have a really easy job that you can do while being distracted and angry and anxious all day. not a job where you need to focus like a steel trap math test all day every day.

but yeah you see some people they have good connections. mates that is. men and women that argue all the time and just do not seem to luv each other. marriages that you can tell are not going to last. people that really dont have anything in common. vs people that do have a good connection. i was at  wedding for one friend in 2014 and it was very touching and positive because you could tell that both him and his wife had a deep connection with each other, that they loved each other, and this marriage would probably last a long time, and then a year later, they have a wonderful baby child.

and i felt i had that connection with this woman. that is whats gonna make this so hard. we were both laid back people, both not super duper experienced with a lot of people, she only had 1 real boifran when we met. also i am not really laid back, but i present myself as very laid back, and prefer laid back people, and people think i am laid back, and i like to be thought of as laid back, even though on the inside, i am very high strung. i would much prefer to BE laid back. she wasnt promiscuous or a cheater, we both disliked cheaters and sluts, we had similar likes and dislikes, she did not wear a lot of makeup or dress like a whore, she was relatively awake to the things going in the world, she was gentle and kind and sweet and had a good heart, and though i was very jaded and bitter, i felt i still had a little bit of those things left in me too. she could bring out the best in me. maybe make me strong if this had worked.

but instead i am weaker THAN EVER. she was relatively young, she did not have any kids, she did not have too much baggage from past bad relships.

well instead of remembering all the reasons why i loved her, i should try to go back to the beginning and remember the reasons why i was On The Fence about ever Dating her. like when i thought, well she’s a little weird looking and secs with her would just be Too Weird. or her family life is too fooked up and that in and of itself is too much baggage, her background is just too tragic and rough.

yeah i used to think, shes my friend, and she’s not ugly, but secs with her would be JUST TOO WEIRD. I cant even bring myself to think about her that way. Heck I tried a couple times!!!! and it still felt weird.

heh.  after time it stopped feeling weird and somehow ended up feeling 1000000% right and not weird. such that i wanted to Date her, cuddle with her, touch her, make out with her, stare into her eyes, have intimate secs with her, have kinky secs with her, etc.

heh. for the pain of this heartbreak it would have been nice to actually really Date for like 2 months like i did with other women. who knows. what kind of communication would we have had. now that i think about it, my communication was never so great with the other women too. but how come it has to be ALL ON ME? i thought any kind of relship was supposed to be a two way street. i mean they have to WANT TO TRY.  and in my life, i’ve always WANTED TO TRY a lot harder than they did. they would rather throw it away. like i would want to throw away a shitty job hahahahaha.

 

OH WELL LIFE GOES ON

aug 11 yeah buddy. meeting with the shrink once a week. they encouraged me to keep doing power jogs and to not write in a runimative negative, going around in circles, beating a dead horse, broken record way. duh no shit dont need a shrink to tell me that! but yeah do really MOST people just not need the eggs, and view each other as disposable fook trash meat? if even a dirtbag like woody allen can say he needs the eggs! maybe people do need relationships, people are social, etc. its just amazing how much pain and suffering male female relationships cause! people being with people who are not good for them! people stuck with awful people! people clinging to their partners out of fear and obsession! people with one foot out the door at all times from beginning to end! it paints a very negative picture that everybodys relationship is unhappy as fook and they should just dump it and be alone. well i mean you can have Platonic Friends! that’s just fine. until you fall in love with them and then 10 months later your life is in ruins hahahahaha. also the shrink agreed that i should probably not send her that Third Email, because if she didnt respond to the second email (please respond, im a human being, we were friends for almost x years), she probably wouldnt respond to a third email (im sorry for scaring you), when shrink mentioned, well maybe she wasnt scared at all. maybe she was just angry and done, but not scared. i said yep thats possible, i mean we’ll never know will we. i just cant ever have something like this happen again is all. well thats no problem cuz i will never fall in luv again hahaha.

i should have blurted it out afte 3 or 4 months, when i was writing 100 draft texts of things i wanted to say to her but didnt have the guts.

i should have blurted it out after 5 or 6 months, when we were on yearly scheduled layoff and i started writing a 20 page letter to her. i should have sent her that damn letter and did it then and never came back to the job.

i should have asked her about the boifran the instant i got an inkling, which was probably before october.

that would have opened up a very fertile ground of conversation where i probably could have said what i needed to say.

she had been very honest and confiding in me earlier but i should have been equally honest, to say what was on my mind, at that time. in fact, THAT was the beginning of the end. she probably started losing respect for me right there, because i didnt have the balls to ask her directly about her new boifran. by the time i started seeing pictures of them together on facebook i still didnt even have feelings. although i do think seeing those pictures was a big Cause of me eventually getting feelings. i studied the pictures and maybe tried to force myself to have new feelings for her. and it fookin worked. cuz now i cant turn those feelings off, and i would never want to look at a picture of her ever again. i cant get her face and body out of my damn mind period.

well god damn its so hard to say. she still didnt hate me by november, she was still saying what a good friend i was, and during april was saying that she didnt mean to ignore her friends like this.

heh i should have joined the army when i was 18. and then 9/11 happened right before i turned 19 and then what happened. didnt they send a bunch of people to iraq or afghanistan. i would have totally gotten sent somewhere. i didnt REALLY want to join the military and make the world Safe For Democracy and Be The Zionists Muscle. there has to be a better way to get Training and Discipline and Responsibility. Well, there really is not hahahaha.

no i should have just become a Tradesmans Assistant or something, made money and banged 18 year old gurls hahahaha.

No i just went to college and it was a good college so that was good enough for everybody. i remember right away i thought i should major in something useful like engineering, like a good portion of the freshman came in and immediately declared some kind of engineering. and understandably so, all the engin programs were very highly ranked and all the engin grads end up being very successful! but i was like fook that, i hate skool, i’m just here because i was good at high school unfortunately so i HAD to go to a decent college, i just want to get the piece of paper in something easy, get a boring office job, and then play music, smoke w33d, write in my free time. i dont live to work maaaaaan, i am not career oriented, my career is not my life!

so i should have not ever have gone to college obviously, because obviously one does not simply get a useless degree and then sail into a boring easy office job! but thats the delusion i had! and one does not go to a very career oriented college with career oriented students, if you are not career oriented! i remember i looked at the super motivated super high overachieving middle class students who were obsessed with perfection that they seemed almost like robots, or a different species, and i thought of them as being unable to enjoy life, “misery junkies” who were obsessed with material pursuits, at the expense of everything else. hehehe these career obsessed perfectionists were probably happier than i was!

i wish i had been in closer contact with Adults at that time. Was not super close with the fam at that time unfortunately. also i was not ready to be out of the house! yep from 18 to 22 i really screwed up and got off the path and never got back on it, unfortunately.

heh this writing is not real good either. rumination ruination. basically writing should be like a rapper rapping about how awesome they are. you talking about your specific plans for success, world domination, banging bitches.

anyway. maybe i could go back t my job……..and see HER every DAY? fook that!!!! it would be like, you see her ONCE, and your whole DAY is ruined. period.

so maybe that’s on me. thats my problem not hers. i need to learn how to deal with and manage my problem.

THATS why i wanted to TALK, thats why i was so desperate to “figure things out”, so they wouldnt blow up! because i get emotional and blow up! and i didnt want to do that.

maybe if i directly said “im gonna blow up” hahahaha. yep so thats all my fault there.

i dunno i just felt she had absolutely no consideration for me, that even if i was not empathizing with her very well, it was STILL a LOT better than she was doing with me, plus she had been NICE to me in the past, so that kinda set expectations.

aug 12

yes gotta tread very carefully here. did not do too well today, could barely get out of bed, could only lay there and listen to tv, and carefully select the tv program so its not showing degenerates OR normalfags OR anything too annoying. trying not to have hate for people, for example when women let guys fook them after 1 hour of knowing them and there is no emotional connection in the sex act. i will NEVER believe that this is an acceptable thing for women to do. and then trying not to think of the woman doing that, and of course she it. or what does it matter, she’ll never talk to me again, and just trying to survive day by day, and wondering how i could be so hurt by somebody i did not even really date. i mean we never even made out!!!!!!!

it was because i felt we had THAT special of a connection. i mean we used to have a pretty good connection, but i think i still built it up in my mind, that she was THE ONE. when it was really too early to tell, because we simply never hung out.

WE NEVER HUNG OUT.

well, we hung out a little bit back in the day, but i would always leave early and avoid going back to her house or something. then my switch got flipped, and i always wanted to hang out, and certainly would push to go to her house, but it was like crossing the rubicon there. she knew SOMETHING because after that point we did not hang out at ALL. of course she was undergoing stress, having just ended a short and painful mini-rel.

oh yeah. when i speak of jealousy its not even really regarding open rels. maybe i could have an open rel, but i would just like to have a damn rel first. my expertise in jealousy is when a rel is possibly starting, possibly not; and two people are starting to make a connection that may live or it may not; and especially that process where the woman who once liked you and was interested in you and nice to you, pulls away from you, withdraws that attention from you, and gives it to somebody else: more charming, more attractive, more successful, more charismatic, more masculine, more fun. you had something that was lost, and you see it being given to someone else, and no longer to you, and you bitterly miss what you once had.

thats the kind of jealousy i’m talking about. a very real sense of loss and rejection. NOT you’ve been in a loving, secure, closed rel for a few years, and after the Honeymoon wears off, you mutually decide to Try Opening It Up. that’s completely different. because you’re not LOSING anything and your original partner is not taking something away from you.

shit man maybe at that point i could do an open rel. after you have been with somebody for 3 years, you can be completely honest with each other, you talk to each other, you commuicate with each other, you mutually love and respect each other, you’re not worried about being left in the fookin lurch by the other person, they go out for a pack of cigarettes and NEVER COME BACK hahahaha.

thats not the kind of jealousy i’m talking about. i am talking about being desperate for a connection, desperate to be with somebody, you find yourself on the cusp of that, and then they pull away from you, leaving you extremely disappointed.

i mean they are entitled to do whatever they want, but you are entitled to be crushed and disappointed and heartbroken and insanely derpressed too. and also to get SOMEWHAT angry at them when they start showering positive attention on other men hahahahaha.

so you see how its best to stay away from them cold turkey.

well i got rid of perhaps the last tie to the woman, some medical herbs i got with her help and which i could no longer enjoy; and was just sitting there as a silent painful reminder. was able to unload it on a friend and get it the fook out of my possession. i debated on doing this, like do i really need to go this far, and then after a few weeks, i decided yes, yes i do need to go this far.

went back onto facebook because when you say “this is temporary ill be back” they MAKE you choose between 7 and 28 days. i chose 28 days but really wanted more like 90 to 100 days at least. anyway i briefly searched part of her name and got nothing so i figured i was still blocked. then i thought oh great this is exactly why i dont want to use facebook. then i deactivated again and said “i dont find facebook useful anymore”. at that point they dont force you to pick 7-28 days.

i also learned today that an old friend from my college days i have not talked to in about 9 to 10 years, had their father die of suicide about 2 years ago. i was shocked. i actually met the father a couple times. he was a very high achieving successful man and certainly made more than 100 K a year! he seemed ok and very smart but i guess he was very emotional at times.  i would guess probably bipolar. but that’s got to be intense. the friend was doing a fundraiser for a suicide/crisis phone line org and then mentioned the thing about their father. i was taken aback. well i had lost touch with the person years ago but there was never any Hard Feelings. the friend was very high achieving and went to become a Successful Attorney in the Big City, as did many people from our High Achieving University. Actually it was a woman i was Platonic Friends with, and never eventually fell in love with hahaha. then we drifted apart and there was no hard feelings. unlike what happened with my recent female friend hahahahaha. where i did fall in luv with her, and now there are extremely hard feelings hahahaha.

oh well life goes on. you get old and lonely and eventually cant find anybody you care enough about to even be rejected by hahahaha. cuz the only women you see are old and fat and have 20 year old children and you would rather date their daughters than them hahhahahahahahahaha

oh well life goes on.

10 years ago i liked the movie “the royal tenenbaums”, all of us college kids all liked it, wes anderson was really a young rising star at the time, it was my favorite one of his, i think i even wrote a college paper on it believe it or not, for a ridiculous psychology class, explaining how luke wilson was depressed because he felt like a failure at life and thats why he was depressed and tried to K himself hahahaha. i cant beleive this was the kind of crap i got away with at a highly esteemed university. that sounds like high school stuff hahahaha

but yeah i really dont like the gwyneth paltrow character, what a dirty hobag, and to ruin so many mens lives. even nutcases like luke and owen wilson could do better than that. i just hate shitty women who drive otherwise decent men off the deep end.

the worst part is i cant even blame it on “my” woman being shitty. she is not even a shitty person, way less shitty than the average woman, and it wasnt so much her being shitty, as the timing being bad, and things simply not working out, and it still drove me off the fookin deep end.

well i have not been driven off the deep end in many years. but gainfully employed normalfags never go off the deep end!

THEY DONT REALLY NEED THE EGGS

aug 9

well i thought about writing her an email saying sorry for SCARING you, i didnt want to SCARE you, but it kinda cant be helped when someone is acting like a crazy person to you, that is truly scary. i was/am scaring myself. but im really not that crazy of a person, i would never hurt her, i just go crazy sometimes. i guess its anxiety more than anything.  i guess it could be manic stage, but its usually brought on by extreme stress or heartbreak or rejection and a bunch of stuff happening all at once. it only happens about once every 10 years hahaha and usually due to stress in life and is probably just nerves and anxiety rather than crazy per se.

aug 11

well i started writing that email and it was a pretty good email, i do write pretty good emails, then i “deleted” it because really what good would it do me, its another chance for me to reach out to her and her not to respond, cuz thats what i really want is a response. she could write me something saying sorry for refusing to talk about this, and for just wanting to throw everything away. besides i am in more pain than she is hahahaha. she can still do her job and take care of herself and have 10 boifrans in luv with her.

i mean she may have been a little scared but not debilitated. i feel like a damn disabled person hahahah might need to get social security disability. get on the disability express like all these stupid sleazy lawyer commercials they show during the day while responsible normalfags like her are at work and crazy psycho lazy losers like me quit their jobs hahahaha.

there was a lot wrong with the job, that literally took all my powers to maintain, and as soon as one thing got added, it was too much to handle. you were always just one step away from the edge.

just sucks cuz you think you know somebody, you think that there was at least enough appreciation for you from them that they would treat you a little better than this. i didnt treat her bad, i was a little SCARY sure. fook it.

watching this stupid show called “snapped” on the oxygen network or some shit where they have true crime stories of people killing their lovers or spouses and such. yesterday they had a man in wisconsin who was killed by a rejected x-lover who was in luv with him, but he wanted to ditch her, yet she was obsessed with him, and he was dating a new 50 year old woman, and the first woman could not take it any more, and K’d him, convicted, currently in jail.

i dont even know if i can watch pr0n because you think “is this what all women are capable of? could she do this same filth? probably. either way she is fooking other guys yet she wouldnt even do me the courtesy of TALKING to me.”

so yeah i guess now there is more anger happening.

either way i can barely imagine going back to working with her, even seeing her one hour a day. how come other people dont get strong feelings like this? theres people there right now who have been fooked and rejected yet they work with the rejector for 8 hours a day and manage to get over it. and here i go crazy even if i dont see her at all.

i just hope i would never do anything too stupid. i mean with woman3 i hated her and referred to her as my “NEMESIS.” and it was a pretty strong hate the likes of which i had not really felt for any one person, and i feel it could start to get similar here. well then OBVIOUSLY the best thing you can do is stay away from them.

what could have prevented this? a big talk? what if we had a big talk, and that escalated into a huge argument  whe she stormed off, i never want to talk to you again, and then same results. i probably would have ended up doing the same thing. to be honest. like if we had a talk, and the talk went bad. hmm suprised i never thought of that. maybe i am thinking more clearly now hahahaha.

i strangely thought that if we talked, it would automatically be a good talk. but really theres a very good chance it would have been a shitty talk and resolved NOTHING. and been just as productive as the No Talk we actually had.

weird. i could communicate and wrote some very moving touching expressive communicative emails which would have made anyone with a heart cry and say “he’s clearly hurting, let’s talk gently about this”, but i couldn’t Deal With Life. She can Deal With Life, but she can’t communicate For Shit.

heh. i would rather be able to Deal With Life than Communicate. Actions speak louder than words and all i have is words hahahahaha.

maybe the guilt will eat her alive.

maybe she will get pregnant by a badboy, then, knowing that i am in luv with her, come back to me at that point, pretend to be in love with me, get me to bang her ASAP (which you have to do if you want a chance with a woman you like, or else she’ll think you dont really like her, plus she gives the pvssy up to guys she’s only known for a couple HOURS anyway, so why not), and then be like oops im preggers, now take care of your child, when its really the badboy deadbeats child.

she might pull one of those huge cuck moves on me, shit, she surprised me with the way she totally left me hanging, i didnt think she was that kind of person, i thought she thought more of me, so that really destroys my trust in her.

i was worried i destroyed her trust in me by “hiding secret feelings.” but i was giving enough signals to come across as WEIRD, pretty much for months. i gave signals and expressed a desire to hang out and talk the instant the feelings started in october. by february things had gotten WEIRD cuz i was still begging to talk “can we please hang out next month if you dont wanna hang out this month?”. so by that time i should have of course blurted it out, because it was obvious we weren’t gonna have a mature talk about it.

but yeah i worried i destroyed her trust in me by lying to her. really she could have been more concerned about how she was destroying MY trust in her!!!!!! cuz i used to trust her, back when we were friends, and she clearly trusted me.

it is just INSANE though how it all went down. i dont think i am THAT out of order for wishing we could have talked about it. even just written emails.

had a couple of super lazy days. could not even force myself to go for powerjog. or do anything. sleeping with the rosary next to me so i can clutch it when i wake up. thankfully i have been sleeping at night some. but then you wake up and think oh shit now heres this insane reality where everything has hit rock bottom.

i was watching the Jilted Lovers show regarding that woman who was obsessively in love with the man, they were talking to his relatives who said, it was obvious it was one sided, she was just a Booty Call to him (the woman was 47 years old and NOT attractive in the least!) but she was in love with him, would come over and cook for him and do all this nice stuff for him, what was he supposed to do, just say no?

actually YES, he should have had the decency to be like this has got to stop NOW, he should have ended that YEARS ago, he should have said, welp its obviously you’re obsessed with me, how about we just end this now, rather than me keep allowing you to see me and fook me and cook for me etc. so yeah i think he had some moral responsibility to do that, but he just seemed like a not super morally developed extravert life of the party normalfag, while she was an introvert.

but me and the woman were both introverts! we got along very very well at the beginning! we had similar personalities, similar values! she wasnt some kind of extravert normalfag skank!

oh well just goes to show we can never really know anybody hahahaha. you can know somebody for 3 years and not really know them AT ALL, even when you think you know them and trust them. nope. not even a little bit. why the fook would you.

yep getting into the anger stage. so that means bargaining is next right? then depression then acceptance.

i dont know, i dont think its necessarily like that. cuz isnt bargaining sort of like denial? theres that sense of desperation, WE CAN STILL MAKE THIS WORK. well yeah you want to, but they dont.

and i thought i was already getting crushing crippling depression the whole time, you mean i haven’t really even reached that phase yet?

so i dont fully buy into that kubler ross stages of grief bullshit.

was debating sending an email, apologizing for being SCARY. i just dont know. im not sure i need to apologize any more, or that sending her anything would help ME. if anything she needs to apologize to ME hahahahaha. so i scared her. big deal, she is able to live with it. in am in more pain than her hahahaha. i am going fookin nuts. its a lot more painful for me to see her, than her to see me. she would be ok with seeing me every day and ignoring me. that would and was driving me crazy after just a couple days.

ok that paragraph was from somewhere else, just reiterating the point that i dont really want to send her ANY more emails. the ball could not be any MORE in her court. and she has never been good about responding when the ball is in her court.

but yeah i just thought i meant more to her than that. just last year before things started going bad she said something to that effect, that i was a good friend and she felt close to me or some shit. of course i should have grabbed her right then and there because that was probably my chance, but i did not feel it then. it was only a few months later that i did. and by that time, there was new boifran, no more feelings talk from her about how i was a special friend, etc. so stupid how a matter of like 3 months TIMING can totally ruin something that could have been good.

how does anyone get together ever? well they are just animal extravert normalfags who fook each other casually and then have babies thats how. they dont really feel anything for each other. thats why they are always cheating on each other.

well now she can become a filthy cheater too, just like EVERYONE ELSE hahahaha.

watching other peoples relships is so sad. its like you always have to have one foot out the door, its like a rule. how and why does anyone get together. its clear they dont really want it. they dont really need the eggs, to refer to “annie hall.”

but yeah she was really the most important person i had met in the past 3 years. even if we couldnt Be Together, i still felt close to her because of the Friendship. and it hurts to just flush that all down the crapper. how could THAT not mean anything to her? well maybe it meant something to her, but now its over, like a stage of life, like say goodbye to your monogamous phase and say hello to you promiscuous nonmonogamous phase. fook phases.

because its not just a one way street. you just cant say ok im done, so its over, see ya. well you CAN, and thats exactly how people have been getting hurt for centuries.

i guarantee there is a better way to reject people though: with compassion; treat them like a human being; communicate with them; pay them a fee; give them a negotiated upon number of Bangs; talk about everything; allow the person to vent all their feelings; let them down softly. dont just throw them into the Miserable Thresher Of Existence. you can let them down softly. dont just let go of their hand and let them drown slowly.

obviously i wouldnt want to FORCE anyone to be with me who didnt want to be with me. that is a recipe for resentment. but so is being fooking abandoned with absolutely no communication. even the other gurls who dumped me at least TOLD me they were dumping me! and pretended to be a teensy bit sorry about it!

so this is a pretty new experience for me, never had the totally 100% abandonment happen yet hahahaha. till now. add it to the encyclopedia of experience.

FROM BARELY TOLERABLE TO DEFINITELY INTOLERABLE

aug 8

played a card tournament online, a free tournament, and actually placed for the first time in my life, even better since i hate tournaments and have only played like 3 tournaments in my life, and placed 9th out of 80 players and won .00052 btc in prizes. this is like 14 cents hahahahahahaha. i still have not broken even in my gambling career. i won several great hands and shot up to the top. and it did not make me feel good at all, am still heartbroken and lazy.

feel like i will NEVER get over this gurl, and that i will do stupid stuff in the future to try to contact her again, because this is truly my Last Chance Ever. I am old, she is young, I will never get this close to a young attractive woman ever again. who used to be nice to me, who was not promiscuous, not a cheater, not high number, who was laid back and chill, who i used to get along with very well, very naturally, very easily.

why didnt i wake up to all this sooner. why didnt i try to make her break up with her boifran so i could date her immediately after they ended, instead of her immediately dating this other guy. it is ridiculous how much things changed in 1 year. 1 year ago she was very friendly to me; pretty sure she was dating this new guy but not talking about him; i didn’t have any official feelings towards her but i would soon think about “forcing” myself to have feelings for her. uh whatever i did worked wonders because by october i had official feelings. and that was the beginning of the end.

the job sucked so bad. the only good thing about it was that it was a job and the money was not bad. her being there is just one more bad thing.

but maybe if i go back we can reconcile and it will be a better time and we can start dating!

do you see how desperate and unlikely that is?

it was nice when we did get along, but i think it was still a net loss. the pain and suffering exceeded the happy times. the happy times were certainly real but there was just not enough of them unfortunately. they were nice though and i will remember them…..but i SHOULDNT because the bad outweighed the good.

almost reactivated facebook to see if she was still blocking me.  did not end up doing that thank god. i would bet she probably didnt anyway. but what if she did? me contacting her would open up a whole NEW can of worms. and i got enough worms right now.

i kinda feel like she betrayed me by treating me like a random weirdo. she didnt have to like me back but i wanted her to have more respect for the time we were friends. its as if that meant nothing to her. thats what i am bothered by. and she feels betrayed by me because……i developed feelings towards her and started acting weird to her.  oh well.

like in the past if i had gone crazy and quit my job she might reach out and ask whats wrong, whats going on. now she just thinks im crazy and she doesnt care, because me liking her offended her so much. well, really, she was probably just SCARED when she saw how MUCH I liked her. she said wow this guy is crazy about me and that is too much to take.

ok fine thats valid. i wouldnt really want someone going CRAZY over me either. it would frighten me too. however i didnt feel i could control it either. i felt like i was losing control over everything, including the ability to do my job. also i already hated the job a lot, and this extra thing was making me hate it a lot more. pushed it from being barely tolerable to being definitely intolerable.

i did try to force the feelings a little bit. and shortly after that, boom the feelings were there. but i dont feel its as a result of my forcing, but rather its own perfect storm that culminated at that time: me finding out about the secret boyfriend was probably the biggest influence. catalyst. impetus. cause. whatever. i expected her to take a long time to get over her longterm rel which had just ended, i was shocked to see her jump right into something. and she would mention it to other people but not to me. and then that ended kinda quick and she was the loser there, weird, i rarely see women on the losing end. i think she was on the losing end with the long term thing too. maybe that was all the losing that she needed to make sure she would never be the loser again. cuz boy am i the big loser between me and her hahahaha. i was just completely devastated. still am. will be for a while. hope i dont become a bitter old woman hater. i thought i already was. then i got feels for her. but i just feel like my time is running out and the idea of dating sites disgust me.

i have never used a dating site, women don’t NEED to use dating sites EVER, so any woman on a dating site is a damn attention wh0re who will always find some stupid reason to dump her man, and she is past the Wall and thinks she deserves an alpha male doctor hahahahaha. well you think the doctors are using the dating sites hahahaha hell no, the men are beta and lesser losers like me. over 30 men with crappy jobs at best who are looking for over 30 single moms for hopefully easy secs.

fook yeah i prefer younger women. it was already kind of amazing that i as an old man even became just friends with an attractive young woman. it was amazing that i did not have the feelings earlier. why didnt i have the feelings earlier? maybe because i had trained myself into not getting feelings too soon! never get feelings for a gurl before you have secs with her like 9000000 times! dont fall in luv with a gurl right away! well i succeeded there.

plus i was still getting over the previous woman; plus i truly did not want to interfere with her current rel, i wanted them to fix that. and i think it was him that wanted to get out of it more than her! hence her being the loser there!

which i guess makes the Rebound Relationship not too surprising at all.

that ended even worse so i am surprised she didnt get into another rebound. she said she wouldnt. but she might be dating 10 different guys right now. but i know she has got some issues and i really dont think she is dating anybody and she really is taking a break!

i dunno i surprised myself with this woman, and feelings changing over time. maybe i could develop feelings for an older woman, or a single mother, or an ugly woman. shit many men have before me!

all attractive women are evil. hahahaha.

well we established that she didnt INTEND to cause me any harm, so i am not allowed to HATE her.

really i CAN empathize. I just scared her, because my feelings were too strong. shit I scared MYSELF with the intensity. and when youre scared of somebody, you unfriend them and block them and do not respond to them.

well i never INTENDED to scare her either hahaha. it just happened anyway.

kinda like they dont INTEND to hurt you when they say i dont share your feelings, but you cant HELP but be hurt by it. in this case she cant HELP but be scared by the guy that was once her friend falling MADLY in love with her at the worst possible time!

so yeah blurting it out in a short text message a few months earlier would have been better. just send her one text “hey i have feelings for you” “i have a crush on you.” done. you can have talks or emails or conversations after that if the person wants to and responds to you.

so i would say do that after about 3 months, NOT ten months, if you still cant get the person to hang out with you within 3 months.

i would imagine in MOST cases, you probably COULD get them to hang out with you within 3 months, and you can have that conversation in person, which is the best way to do it, and so this made things a little more complicated in my case. but the solution was still simple: blurt it out if they dont want to hang out with you, and you, like me, are an autistic loser who fooking HATES Signals and would prefer actual words.

well autists cant interpret conversations OR signals!

i can SORT OF interpret signals, except when they are telling me what i dont want to hear. THEN I need the Words. otherwise i will willfully disbelieve the damn signals because i am so desperate for luv.

i dont see THAT changing in the future. the only way that could change is to get a good taste or dose of that luv, have a solid rel with a woman for like 2 years at least, get it out of my fooking system, cuz i have not yet.

anyway i didnt mean to scare her that much. i guess thats probably why she is not responding, because she is too scared. i guess that kinda seals my fate doesnt it. she might get unscared in a while but if eer contact her again she will get scared. plus it probably wouldnt be good for me and my health to contact her again.

this could be a strictly LOVE SHY thing hahahaha.

this is about the ONLY time when i would ever recommend watching pornography, that disgusting poison which destroys people. when you are desperate to erase someone from your memory, and attempt to get your body to respond to any other woman. when you are simply not allowed to love who you had been loving, and you have to somehow get over them, and are living in a world of pain. then fook yeah watch porno every day. who gives a shit. just try not to think of that person at all, that is a real risk. like imaging other men doing these horrible porno things to her and blasting loads all over her ass and face and loads oozing out of every gaping orifice. good god.

50% OF PEOPLE ARE NONMONOGAMOUS

aug 8

kind of a blah day, was tired last night, slept ok for a while, but have been too dead to either go walk or even write, took till 3 o clock. not thinking about her so much as the absence of her, the sinking in and acceptance that it is over. that my luv is over and not wanted. no one on the pedestal. still hoping she will “pls respond” hahahaha. nope of course not.

strange not much urge to write even. i mean its over, i will never be with her, she will always hate me and has shut me out forever, its over and done, i am at rock bottom, no where to go but up hahahahaha. yeah right.

funny really. if i had never known her i would have never gotten the job either. my recent well-paying job fell into my lap with the easiest interview ever, because of her, and we were both able to start jobs there at the same time. well the interview was easy because they just need pieces of meat with a pulse, because they Overhire and expect to lay off a ton of people who Arent Good Fit, ie dont learn how to adapt to the shitty conditions FAST enough, or they just very understandably say OH HELL NO and quit, or get hit in the first round of layoffs, or just stop showing up. its that kind of job. possibly the main reason i didnt quit at the beginning, was because i got moral support from her then, and also i wasnt in love with her then. it was not until fairly later that i made a strong connection with the young man there, and as the woman decreased giving me moral support because i was weird and scary, i was able to get good moral support from him. its that kind of job where you always need lots of moral support. well at least i did hahaha. i needed more than most. always hanging on by a thread.

it is amazing how fast everything fell apart though. sure there was a distancing which started months ago, however during that time she also made a few hopeful statements, mixed messages, like she didnt mean to ignore me so much, and missed me. of course she said that before she KNEW.

hehe i learned about myself that i think commnication is extremely important. and that some people dont always agree with that. some people will refuse to have communication with you! and possibly go on to choose to communicate with cheaters and abusers hahahahaha. they are worth talking to apparently lol.

well this should (hehehehe) eat at her conscience more than it eats at mine hahahaa. imagine that. a woman with a conscience. never met one of those hahahaha. the disappointing thing is that she seemed like she had a conscience. she probably even DOES, she just doesnt want to use it with ME. unlucky.

open relationships and jealousy. i think the idea is that you love your partner so much you give them complete freedom to explore all their feelings in the future.  i just dont know. that would prob be the situation where it works the best. and you dont bring in outside people for at least 2 or 3 years. rather than starting off with her dating 10 people hahahahahahaha. i remember telling woman 3 “oh sure of course we can date other people too!” because i was so desperate to have her back in any capacity, that i would share her with other men. well when there is no jealousy, you realize that you never OWN another person so they are never YOURS to “SHARE”. they are always free to do whatever you want and you can either accept it or get jealous and mad about it. sure go ahead fook other guys, let me PREP THE BULL while im at it hahahahaha.

kinda the way i see it is, if i’m willing to be a one woman man, “my” woman should be willing to be a one man woman! mutually agreed upon monogamy. well i guess you can have mutually agreed upon non monogamy. thats ok. but when NEVER works is when each person wants DIFFERENT things. one wants monogamy, the other wants non monogamy. that will absolutely never work.

i liked her because she seemed to like monogamy, she hated cheaters and cheating, i liked that about her. she seemed like a person who only ever did monogamy, and who herself never cheated. these are very attractive qualities for a woman for me IMHO.

im a damn man whos supposed to want to fook everything that moves, and i never wanted to date more than one woman at once. so hows a woman with a uterus who is supposed to be VERY SELECTIVE and CAUTIOUS, wanting more than one man at once?

i mean some people are just not very geared to monogamy. you can tell. others are however. i definitely am. and i like it when i can say a woman DEFINITELY seems monogamous. she did. i have met plenty of women (and men) who have not. in fact it might be 50 50.

yeah it just sucks to lose the connection we once had. we used to be pretty close and she said i was a good friend and it felt good to be close to a woman, hadn’t been that close to a woman in years, well emotionally speaking. where you trust each other and respect each other and like each other. very sad to have that die in the worst possible way.

then i imagined of course another worse case dream scenario: that, when asked about our Good Friendship, she would say: we were never that good of friends, that was something he added in his mind after the fact. we were inor level friends but nothing too serious. he never wanted to get too close. we were never really as close as he thought. hes just emotionally overreacting of course. its all in his crazy weird psycho mind. there was not really a lot there. there was a little, but not a lot, not nearly as much special stuff as he thought. if he thought that was special he obviously has never been in even a short term relationship.

see how you dissect everything in the worst possible way?

50% of people are monogamous, 50% of people are nonmonogamous. this is why 50% of marriages fail hahahaha. well you should be able to tell somewhat easily. i was able to tell pretty soon with her, even when we were just friends, i could tell right away that she didnt like cheaters and didnt want to cheat or date more than one person.

other people give a decidedly different vibe, of not taking sex or relationships seriously, always one foot out the door, revolving door of lovers, serial daters, then multiple lovers, etc. or you see the girl and think welp id bang her but she would be a HORRIBLE gurlfran or a HORRIBLE wife (but not necessarily a bad single mother! she’s not bad at taking care of her children, just at choosing the fathers of them.) anyway you can tell pretty easily.

but how can 50% of people be so damn different? is their any evolutionary basis? in fact evolution would probably say the MONOGAMOUS people are the weird ones. becuase most mammals are not monogamous, and alpha males have harems and many offspring, beta males die out with no offspring.

but monogamy has a benefit for HUMANS who have Higher Investment Children, with such a long infancy period.

but then a village or a harem of wives could also help raise children, not necess one man and one woman monogamously.

so my question is where does monogamy come from.

i honestly think its great. i wouldnt want to give it up. i have always wanted a monogamous companion. maybe it comes from Religion or Culture and its Patriarchal, Weird, Bad, and Rapey. i dont even care. its who i am, its what i want, i identify with monogamy in my identity.

it happens with guys too of course. the guys who are in monog rels, but are always commenting on other women, oh id bang the shit out of her, always looking at porno, going to strip clubs. but i guess sometimes this is a cover for other things, and they dont necessarily want to cheat on their wives. i say they should, just get it over with and live honestly.

it just sucks to get rejected by another monogamous person that you really like. and the sad thing is that she may well be on the path from being transformed from monogamous to nonmonogamous. the bad thing about nonmonogamous is that you treat people like fook meat, you cant really fall in luv with people, you take dicks without feeling and become dead inside and your soul dies bit by bit.

well what about the nonmonogamous people that arent like that. the ones who have loving open relationships. well good for them i guess.

i am just very sad about her fooking other guys, when i would have consider secs with her to be truly “making luv”, when you have secs with someone you have deep feelings for, it is truly different. nonmonogamous and normies dont understand this hahahahaha. that secs with someone you Luv is something else altogether. cuz theyve never had secs with someone they luved, because they have lost the ability to truly luv hahahaha. and so she can go wilfully choose luvless secs with random strangers, and she just treated me like a stranger weirdo creep rather than a human being she had known for years. its the seeing somebody do a complete 180 which is so mindfooking. like they have become a completely different person.

i just cannot have this happen again. ideally i would just go back and deal with her like a normal person would. but this is insane. i cant believe another guy got to be with her for years and bang her many times and cuddle with her for hours. and many other guys will do the same. and i would have luved her more than any of them lol. hahahaha. yep definitely at rock bottom now lol.

JUST BEING DIRECT / PAINFUL REMINDER

aug 7

writing and writing. i am just going with the flow and hoping that by writing obsessively i will get it out of my system. i mean i cant do anything else but walkjog and i am doing that too.

just to be clear. i dont like sean hannity, i dont like bill o reilly, about the only mainstream journalists i might like are ann coulter and pat buchanan. possibly mark steyn and possibly glen beck. possibly breitbart. but i dont like zionists and think we should stop being such huge allies with israel. i do not trust that state of israel at all. obviously because i am a huge racist anti semite hahahaha a bigot, a jew hater. well i would be, as a huge basement dwelling virgin loser, i would be the perfect white neo nazi right.

which is why i dont want to get too much into politics, because i cannot have an informed opinion about anything because i am such an emotional loser, controlled by emotion and prejudice. so obsessed with women and luv and trying to make ends meet and get and hold down a 15DAHJob, that I cant think intelligently about anything else.

and right now thats true, i have no confidence in my ability to think intelligently about anything! hire me! date me!

why the hell cant a party run more than one candidate?

well they are replaying the debate so i better watch it and try to sleep and not have bad dreams. i actually have social plans tomorrow to see the young man friend from my job, my former job, and intend to have a good heart to heart talk with him. i do not expect him to really be able to give any advice per se. the best thing he can do is kinda sorta understand why i did what i did, and where im coming from. and as a man who obviously loves his own wife and they married young, i think he understands the idea of luv, and luvs his wife deeply in what i consider an ideal marriage.

he very well might try to convince me to come back. and this is why he kinda needs to know about the woman. i mean she is the reason i dont want to go back. that and it was a horrible job. and i am starting to think this whole thing was GODS Weird Mysterious Ways to get me to leave this job which he did not intend for me to have. wasnt meant to be. i mean this job CLEARLY wasnt meant to be and i am ok with that. a lot more than i am about accepting the fact me and the woman werent meant to be.

it just sucks that i used to be confident with some of my callers, fake confidence and fix their problems and make them happy, and do things i never thought i could do. i still dont know how i did it. but i could not fake that same confidence with the woman to make her like me hahahaha.

i guess you cant make someone like you. but i dont know. because its a fact women like confident, masculine men. and the more confident you are the more likely a woman would like you. and here i was really desperate for her to like me. not so much for being liked, but because i loved her, and wanted to be with her for at least a little while. at least a year or two hahahaha.

aug 8

met with male friend and i had decided to spill my guts because we have special connection between us which is almost gay and i dont care. about the potential gayness. i do care that he is a great person i can trust and he can trust me so in a way i am actually kind of intimate with him. we are both huge sensitive sissy niceguys but he has managed it better than me, and is able to cope with life, maintain relationships, have a Close Relationship with his partner, etc. and just as i spilled my guts to him and  it felt good to share that with someone who wasnt a shrink or family lol.  and he spilled some pretty heavy stuff on me too. nothing bad, just very interesting and kinda intense and something you dont tell somebody unless you damn trust them. so i was honored to be that person.  like i say, things are pretty special between me and this guy, it is not your conventional male on male friendship hahahaha. and might even look GAY to the outside observer.

indeed now i am thinking about things he said which of course i will not repeat here! which may allow me to change my perspectives on other peoples relationships. even if im not sure i could do the same thing myself. i dont really have to make those same kind of decisions thank god.

had one puff of medical herbs which did decrease my confidence and my communication skills, however it seems to have chilled me out after that was over. thankfully it was no more than one puff.

well i might be able to share things he said about my story. he told his stories about when he liked people and how he liked to tear the bandaid off pretty soon and just blurt it out by saying “hey i have a crush on you” and i liked that. which is of course what i should have done at an earlier time, my problem is that i was trying to meet in person to do that. he might have given me moral support that it was a little weird of her to not want to meet me at all, or unfriend and block me. maybe i just wanted that moral support that i wasnt crazy or weird for wanting to talk about the situation.

i admitted i was probably weird and pushy and ultimately scared her away, but he also gave the useful perspective that it’s not automatically pushy or weird, it’s simply wanting to be DIRECT. that was a positive spin and i cant really argue with it. absolutely i wanted to be DIRECT. thats how it started out. i wanted to talk about the issue directly and not just send these stupid signals back and forth. signals are ok and they can do the job, but they dont do it well in other words, they need to be fleshed out and backed up and supported by a direct talk, to talk about the damn signals and the feelings they are trying to communicate.

but i totally spilled the guts and rambled on the whole story for a whole hour, like talking to the shrink. if you find a person you can ramble to for an hour as honestly as you would to a shrink, uh thats a good sign. try to keep that friend in your life. it is good to be able to be close and honest like that with someone who is not a shrink or even family.

its funny. i had more talk with him in this one day than i ever did with her. if i could have only commuincated with her like that for a couple damn hours, well that probably wouldnt have changed anything, but it would have been a MUCH better ending than the super shitty disappointing ending we had. it would still be disappointing but i would have been happier knowing that we had at least had a Damn Exchange of thoughts. you can still have some sort of exchange even if your feelings are one-sided. you can still have a two-sided exchange of thoughts.

i dont know why i need this damn communication so much. its not like it would change the outcome. well because i think it would make the bad news easier to stomach, easier to work through, and when i reject people, i like to make it easy for them. its what i would have done, treating people like i want to be treated essentially. very simple.

its very hard to accept a cold freeze out, very hard to accept no talking whatsoever. i mean in terms of leading up to the end. of course now no contact makes perfect sense. im talking about before the actual end. that is the time to talk. i just wanted some vindication that i wasnt the bad guy for wanting to talk and that i was entitled to be a little upset about that.

a LITTLE upset? i completely went off the deep end though!

but its different when you have to see the person every day at your mentally demanding job where you need to focus.

in a way the mentally demanding job where you need to focus might be a GOOD thing if you are undergoing Home or Family or Relationship or Personal Life stress. you go to WORK to get away from the EVEN WORSE stress at home. hehehehe millions of people do this.

but when the two things are one and the same, the same environment, i personally cant get around that. my sensitive sissy feels are too much.

it also would have been different if i were on a higher level, if i were a level 2 or 3. then i wouldnt have done this. but there was no chance of me ever moving up from level 1 and i was a little angry about that too.

its just hilarious that i had a much much much better talk with HIM than i ever had with HER! both in quantity and quality, over just one afternoon of hanging out! I think that shows how little and how poor the communication with the woman was.

i dunno i just cant see how communication is such a bad thing. oh well maybe in certain situations it doesnt help. hehehe bullshit it would have helped me, and i dont think it would HURT her!

thats an ever better argument for my point: when is honest, direct, open communication more HURTFUL to a person than just shutting up and never talking?

the communication would have been GOOD for me, and it wouldnt have been THAT BAD for her. COME ON. REALLY. i have a do no harm life philosophy. i wasnt trying to talk to HURT HER. and i dont think the talk would have hurt her.

now my problem is in the past, i wanted to hurt people who hurt me. but they didn’t MEAN to hurt me, they just did anyway because of the rejection. but you dont WANT to hurt someone when you reject them. you just cant return their feelings thats all.

so maybe i could not WANT to hurt her by talking, but it still would have ended up hurting her anyway.

i dunno i dont think it would have hurt nearly as much as a damn rejection! she wasnt the one in damn luv, i was! i lost a lot more than she did here!

so she didnt mean to hurt me. ok fine. fair enough. but it still damn hurts to be around and see that person regularly. even if they didnt MEAN To hurt you. the rejection still hurt, and seeing them every say hurts because it is a painful reminder.

so yeah its on me, its a mark of my weakness, that, when i have to see the person, i get angry, and passive aggressive, and jealous, and bitter and resentful to see them happy and liking other people, even though they didn’t MEAN me any harm by not liking me. it still hurts to be around them and see them liking other people. when you kinda still like them in a hopeless way, when youre still not OVER them really. in a way you never get over them really, you just dont see them for years, or hopefully ever, and your heart scars over where it once loved them, and once you get the scar, you can move on to love someone else. and repeat the same tragic process hahahaha.

really am i such a bad weird guy because i prefer no contact to contact? and because i am prone to slip up and do stupid emotional shit when there is contact? its not good karma for me to give them pain sure, when they didnt intend me any pain. but my rationalization hahahaha is that even me being bitchy to them causes them less pain that what i suffered, whether they MEANT it or not. its not as painful as what i went through. they can damn handle it hahahaha. so they have to suffer the rejected beta male being a bitch. its a hell of a lot easier than being the rejected beta male! but its still bad karma though, because at that point, you’re kinda intending them a little pain, when they didn’t intend any pain for you.

but also they HAD to know it would cause you pain. sure you can not INTEND pain but there’s no way around that pain, pain is GONNA happen whether you want it to or not, and you cant just say its all on THEM because you did not intend the pain. Pain is just simply an inherent, unavoidable consequence of rejection, period, always and forever, that is a FACT. a TRUTH.

anyway it sucks to be a bad person and WANT to cause somebody pain. and i have been there. its like i wanted to punish them for just not leaving me alone after they rejected me. just leave me alone unless you want to Get Back Together!

(taylor swift is actually doing the mature thing by communicating with the 9000000 guys she fooked and whose hearts she broke by telling them in no uncertain ambiguous terms, “we are never ever ever getting back together.” )

well, in that case i felt like the woman had made a choice to put herself more in my social circles, a choice she didn’t have to make, so i was angry at her, when i inevitably saw her more often. that was 10 years ago hahahaha.  but in the current case, no choices are being made. she cant choose to leave me alone. and this is the best way i can really choose to leave her alone. also i have a better safety net and can get away with this.

also if i had a higher level job i wouldnt have done this. even if the person was there.

if the person were not there, we wouldn’t even have this situation. i would take a few mental health days, long weekend, stay in bed and cry for 4 days, then be thankful to go to work as a way to get my mind OFF that other shit.

but cant do that when the other shit is AT work. not implying that a person is shit, just that the situation is undeniably shitty!!!!!