aug 6

another powerjog lol.

so freud said that work and love are like the foundations of life lol.

well i hate freud because he is a poisonous subverter. but i always liked this point of his. because if you have a good work life and a good love life, you are probably healthy and good; and if you have a bad work life and a bad love life, you are probably miserable; and the main things i ever really wanted was a good love life and a good work life, never really got them, and have been always pretty miserable.

well you arent HANDED these things on a SILVER PLATTER, you have to WORK for them of course. i guess i got TIRED of working for them. i didnt need INSTANT gratification, but i needed a TASTE of gratification throughout. didnt get enough tastes imho hahahaha. had a few tastes but not nearly enough to keep me going.

do i even realize how ridiculous and horrible i sound? yes, sort of. but i write it anyway.

kind of like i how i realized it was a Bad Time for the woman but I Pushed her anyway. actions speak much much louder than words. hahahaha i told her that too, and that i would stop bugging and pushing her, and those arent just empty words. and then what did i do in action. well i think i backed off for a little while when i told her that. but then a few months later the shit boiled over.

some days i blame her more; other days i blame me more.

well youhave good days and bad days.

the key is that you have more good days than bad days. when i was at my job i had way more bad days than good days. it was unsustainable.

i had some good days, where i was confident and could bullshit well. but those days seemed few and far between. and you really needed to bullshit well. some people are really good at bullshitting. i was okay at bullshitting sometimes. but i just wasnt ok at it often enough to make more days good than bad.

and the worse things got with the woman, the worse I got at my job. my last project didnt even involve phones. i did not do one phone call in the short time (2? 3? weeks) i was back. but i DREADED the inevitable moment i would have to take or make a phone call. also we had to do a really long complicated procedure where something weird can and did go wrong at every step, and we had to do like 3 or 4 or 5 of these procedures simultaneously. i could only really do 2 and that was pushing it. it sounds simple, prepping software and computers in remote locations around the country, but you would be surprised at how much weird shit still happened.

it is difficult to know how to react in these novel situations. honestly what we did was throw spaghetti at the wall and see what sticks. that was the total impression i got, and i shared this feeling with other level 1’s, and they agreed. the people who tried to apply rationality to it, like me, who obsessively tried to figure stuff out, and how stuff works, we got freustrated the most, because the Truth is indeed so hard to find, so elusive, and when you think you understand something, you find you were wrong the whole time, and therefore, you always feel incompetent, and feeling incompetent does NOT allow you to bullshit confidently to the end users on the phone. or to even help you just merely get through one workday at a time.

the woman was more laid back and less high strung than me. i liked that she was CHILL. I like a chill woman. A Chill woman would probably help Mellow My Mind a bit. I know that i do not want a high strung woman. and so many women are high strung. I wish I were more chill myself. I actually SEEM very chill on the outside, people have remarked how they like that I am so laid back and easygoing, but under the surface, its a completely different story. the tears of a clown. a mild mannered clown.

when we were Just Friends i was fairly confident and normie with her. slightly charming. but i didnt want to be too charming because i didnt want to lead her on; because i didnt have feelings for her then; because i was a LITTLE worried she might have feelings for me, but not worried enough that it ruined my life hahahah or even made me feel weird, but she was not giving as strong signals as i was, so therefore i wager that she did not really have feelings for me, but was just being friendly.

many men make the same mistake. its not a horrible mistake to make. arguably its just evolution. because men have to put their sperm ANYWHERE THEY POSSIBLY CAN, because they are the beggars and women are the choosers, so its arguable that if a woman is friendly to a man, the man overinterprets that as romantic interest, because he’s a beggar and he’s desperate for female consent to sex hahaha.

its possible work and love are not important, and that FAMILY and GOD are the most important.

its actually a religious calling to be A Single Unmarried Person. not a religious monk or a priest, but a lay person, unmarried, single, for life. basically a bachelor or a spinster. i always thought this was very sad. unless its your choice of course. but if its involuntary, well thats like involuntary celibacy or involuntary foreveralone.  hahahaha i should have discussed those topics with the woman while we were still on speaking terms. the plain truth is there was too much left unsaid. i could have talked more about what i wanted in a woman, talked more about my platonic feelings for her. but in a way i built a bit of a wall then just like she build a wall later. but i think her wall hurt me a lot more than my wall hurt her!!!!!!!

i had a wall up even as we were being friendly with each other and hanging out! it was less a wall per se than me trying to say “i dont like you that way.” yeah so i am guilty of mixed messages hahahaha. well let it be known that i never flip flopped!!!!!! once my feelings changed i started giving CONSISTENTLY different signals, over a period of time, to the extent that it got weird. because of me getting more and more emotional. no matter how busy her life, nobody could ignore or misunderstand those signals! so i think she did know what was going on. at least in broadest simplest terms: that i had feelings for her. and that was really all she needed to know. so we didnt need to have that big talk i was always pushing for. at least she didnt want to. i really wanted to, because i wanted to get everything out in the open and have an Actual Conversation, than just two people sending SIGNALS back and forth. fook signals.

i mean i guess the signals got the job done: i signalled i had feelings, she signaled nope not gonna do it. it just all went down in the worst possible way. shitstorm. shit hitting the fan. fomenting long term hatred. and that is exactly why i wanted to have a conversation, to avoid all that, have none of that shit happen. to not look back in anger hahahaha and say well maybe we could not be lovers but at least we handled that situation like respectful adults.

carly fiorina stands with bibi hahahahaha. i do not trust these zionists.

but if you want to learn how to bullshit well, watch these politicians! even the worst bullshitter there, i mean an unsmooth bad talker like lindsey graham, could bullshit well enough to get a 20DAHJ (Dollar An Hour Job) that calls for “excellent communication skills” in the qualifications. KSR’s. KSA’s. who gives a fook.

the way they respond to tough questions, the way the communicate, the way they try to PERSUADE people. i could never do that. i could never persuade jobs to take me, or women to take me hahahahahaha.

i think my confidence, although never high, began falling around fall 2014, when i started having feelings for the woman. prior to that was a Relative Peak of confidence! but then it steadily starting falling the more resistance i got from her. falling fallin falling and then it recently hit rock bottom and its gonna stay there for a while.

i wish i could pinpoint the confidence better. it is literally the most important thing. fook happiness. you can with unhappiness, with disappointment, deal with LIFE when you have confidence. so yeah maybe the confidence was at a peak from about july 2014 to…..sept 2014? those were pretty good times. i still did stupid phone calls but i handled them, and was getting along with the woman well, was not quite in love with her yet.

but now i have absolutely no confidence, it sucks. and yeah i think it went down in direct response to the tension that was growing and growing between the woman and myself. this tension, uncertainty, and not wanting to believe the negative signals slowly chipped away at the confidence. and the phone calls got more and more ridiculous too. and the situation between me and her got more ridiculous. then it blew up, and blew away all my confidence for everything. women, work, life, everything. not good.