oh yeah that was another important point i have not made yet.

i had a dream maybe a week ago with the woman where we were back at work, and i was sitting there and could not do my job because she was sitting 20 feet behind me. i was avoiding my work (type of place where you cannot get away with this) and obviously never should have come back. i started writing angry things to female. one of her new male friends played white knight and came up to me and said hey man, why can’t you get it through your head, she doesnt like you, she doesn’t want you, just leave her alone, or you and me are gonna have problems. i think at this point i started screamingly hysterically in the office and was ready to fight this guy right in front of everyone. even though i wasn’t mad at HIM, i was mad at HER.

what i also realized at that point is, and this was a good lesson for waking life, is:


I’m still not sure how this was entirely related to the dream, but that epiphany struck me. its really not comforting or not discouraging hahahaha.

basically it means that women can fook badboys and terrible deadbeats who abandon their children, and still be a Good Loving Single Mother to those children. it doesn’t matter that the relationship with the child’s father is fooking godawful and nonexistent, it doesn’t matter that the child is half of that man. all that really matters is that its the mothers child, period, the man doesn’t really matter at all.

of course Not All Single Mothers are Great Loving Mothers. But some really are. and even though they had the worst relationship ever with the father, they have a wonderful, good relationship with the child of that brief horrible union.

what that means for the omega males like us always getting dumped is, and this is not encouraging: you fall in love with a woman because you think she would make a great wife to you, and a great mother to your children. you think of it as kind of a package deal. then everything goes wrong. you realize she would be a HORRIBLE wife to you. to ease your pain you try to say that she would then be a terrible mother to any children you would have had. but that’s just not true. she could be a terrible wife to you, but a good mother to whatever children. shit she could be a GREAT wife AND mother of children to a different man.

like i said, this was not a comforting epiphany. because when things go wrong, you really want to blame it on them for being a horrible person. but they are not necessarily a horrible person. i mean sometimes they are, and sometimes they’re not. it’s almost EASIER when they ARE. and this woman was not a horrible person. she would make a good wife and mother. and so therefore it is HARDER, because i can’t really blame her too much, she’s not a horrible person, it jsut didn’t work out between me and her, it wasn’t meant to be, and now i have to move on, and thats going to be fooking HARD. a lot harder for me than for her. shit she’s over me RIGHT NOW as we speak, as I write 9000000 posts about HER.

i guess another way of writing that axiom above would be: JUST BECAUSE SHE IS A HORRIBLE PERSON FOR YOU, DOESN’T MEAN SHE’S A HORRIBLE PERSON FOR EVERYONE ELSE. She could very well be the Dream Wife and Mother of Children for another, more alpha, better, more successful, charismatic, masculine man hahahahahaha.

well thats a related maxim but not the same. i guess a more accurate: just because she’s a horrible match for you, doesn’t mean she’s a horrible PERSON. or just because she has CHILDREN with HORRIBLE men and makes HORRIBLE choices on who she has children with, does not make her a horrible person, and does not mean she will be a bad mother to those children.

found a job opening for a 17DAH part time job. have to fill out an extremely detailed application including 15 years of past work history, and tons of details for every job; AND submit resume AND cover letter with it. i understand this is their weeding out process to limit applications. but it seems a little insane that it should take 8 hours just to apply for a damn part time job. but its a 17DAH part time job!!!! and that is a bretty good hourly wage mang!

however i do not get my hopes up when you have to list “REASON FOR LEAVING.” hahahaha. because i am a weakling who cant handle stress on the job and reaches boiling point and breaking point and meltdown and flips out and ragequits. more like anxietyquits. or cant handle seeing woman who “dumped” you on the job. still bad. still not employable.

so when you do an application like that which takes 8 hours to painstakingly fill out, SAVE IT on your computer/cloud so you can come back to it and copypaste from it later.

although i have so many partial files like that, i can never find the information i’m looking for. tons of partial files, no complete single file. very disorganized with my 1000000s of job search related files hahahaha.

because i deactivated facebook i often forget that she BLOCKED me on facebook. that sends a pretty strong signal. not just unfriending, but unfriending AND BLOCKING. This is the first time in my life i’ve ever been BLOCKED by somebody. that sends a clear message of LEAVE ME ALONE, although it says nothing of the deeper thoughts behind that decision, and unfortunately you will never have the permissions/access to be privy to those thoughts and feelings. it is totally out of your hands and there is NOTHING you can do.


Yeah I have never been the Dumper, I have always been the one getting dumped. always. without exception. It is hard to handle getting dumped. I bet I would be a pretty good dumper, i would try to make it as painless as possible for the person i was dumping, even if they weirded me out hahahahahaha. because i would understand why they were being weird. all too well. i have been weird like that myself. i know that feel. empathy.

i was also angry at how at work i needed a lot of moral support and the woman did not. i reached out to her for moral support and she was not willing to give. if she needed moral support, she got it from other people. she got help from other people who were happy to help the nice pretty gurl. it took me a long time before i found some decent people who could help me and morally support me. and i was upset that my former friend was no longer willing to give that support. cuz when we both started at the same time, we were on much better terms, and she was much more willing to give me that support. and of course that declined. its tough to have something, then see it slip away, its worse than if you NEVER HAD ANYTHING.

better to have loved and lost than never loved at all? i dont know hahahahaha. possibly NOT hahaha.

and maybe she eventually got used to the job and didn’t need the Crutch of Moral Support. at least not from me any more! And I LIKED giving moral support! I tried to give moral support to a lot of people, becuase i realized how tough our job was, and how good our people are, and how little thanks and support they get for their insanely hard complicated stressful work! so I would go out of my way to thank people and support people and say good job i appreciate you, i am here to help you as best as i can, even though i dont really know what im doing either. this is a tough job and i like it when we support each other.

so after a while she either got used to the job and needed less moral support, and also when she needed support, she just turns to other people, anybody but me. i think its a combination of both.

but the job never really got easier for me, so i was jealous of her cool head. the man being more emotional than the woman, thats fookin great. bodes well for me!

also that made it more difficult for me to understand shit EVEN WHEN SOMEONE WAS TRYING TO EXPLAIN IT TO ME.

I’m not an idiot, so it’s very frustrating to be so anxious and tightly wound, that you can’t understand what somebody is saying to you right now, you can’t listen and comprehend and learn, because of your damn emotions.

heheheh time to start a new post.