aug 6

semi new point. the reason the woman was so cold to me, so offended and angry and hurt by me, was that i was Making Her Feel Weird, Weirding Her Out, by Being a Weird Creeper. that is a reasonable explanation. and I know you cannot apply logic to this situation, but this explanation kinda works, because I probably was doing that to her. Because True Love makes you do crazy weird things. this is exaclty how and why people get jealous and become stalkers etc. EVERYBODY does it. its what you DO about it that counts.

well quitting the job is pretty psycho but stalking and doing bad things to her would be 1000000000000 times more psycho, so.

so when women get Weirded Out by Creeper Guys, they quite understandably shut down, run away, try to ignore you completely.

quite understandably, a lot of the weird guys are further pushed by this, to get ever wierder. double down if you will. keep pushing forward. exactly what i did.

i was just hoping and thinking that our past rather long history of closeness and niceness would help her see me more than some Random Weirdo She Just Met, a Stranger if you will. because i wasnt’ a stranger. she knew me well enough to know that I am not a Bad Weird Guy.

But thats the rub, is everybody can reach the edge, where they do weird things: because of stress, anxiety, or Luv. and boy did i!

i didn’t think i was being too weird. i wasn’t all like I LOVE YOU or whatever. yeah i was pushy about wanting to hang out and talk, and i made new kinds of statements like “you are very important to me” and “you mean a lot to me” and “i care about you a lot” and “i hope we can become closer in 2015” and “i appreciate you more and more” and “your my favorite person hahaha lol” and “i will stop bugging you to hang out if you can promise me we’ll hang out next month, i know this is a bad time for you, but i honestly miss you a lot” so yeah i was giving some major hints, and also being pushy, desperate, and weird. but i think i could have been a LOT weirder. also it sucks when somebody blows you off for months and months, when you used to hang out in the past. so that you end up saying desperate things like “i hate bugging you so much but please try to promise me we’ll hang out next month and then i wont bug you at all this month.”  of course what is the person supposed to say to that? but it sucks that you are so desperate that you have to say it in the first place.

desperation makes you do weird things.

so when you are desperately begging to hang out next month please, then it’s time to write your tell all email or voice mail or blurt it out. by that time you probably a have a Raft of Drafts of things you want to tell her. so just fooking tell her already, rip the bandaid off, get it over with already.

thats one good thing, is the sense that ITS OVER. ITS DONE. that chapter is closed, a new lonely miserable jobless loveless chapter has begun. but at least you no longer have that false hope to cling to. you have nothing. except the things that REALLY matter, like your family.

so yeah that is the likely reason she was SO COLD and heartless to me, when she was never a heartless person before. its just because i was THAT weird. I didn’t think i was THAT weird, but she did, and thats all that matters, and i guess she is entitled to her feelings hahahaha.

but thats also why i wanted to talk and communicate so much, so that i could explain why, given my situation, these things werent all that weird. it was just growing tension of an unresolved situation. that finally boiled over quite dramatically.

it is discouraging though to think you could meet the Perfect Person, and maybe they COULD have feelings for you someday…..but just not right now, because the TIMING is wrong. you are ready to go right now, they are not, it might take them 3 months, 6 months, a year, or never. what do you do in those situations?

because in the past, she was so super nice to me that i thought she might like me. but i will never know if she actually did! i should have asked her directly at that time. well i did ask about it in my please respond email hahahaha that she will never respond to, because i am too weird, and the email was weird too.  i dunno i dont think the email was too weird given the situation. i just wanted to put it all out there and be like here’s the full truth. really went all in there. and was that a smart move, to go all in, rather than half in? who knows. maybe i can go half in later hahahahaha no i should really just stay away from her. which is why my gut feeling is NOT to go back to the job. job was making me sick and she would make me even sicker.

but yeah i am bit resentful that she could not look deep enough, remember our years of getting along nicely, and see that I was the same decent human being, but that i was just going through some stuff, and that was making me a little bit weird, so lets please talk about this, get it out in the open, so it doesnt boil over and destroy everything. which of course is exactly what happened.  i just think talking about it before it got out of control would have been better karma, more mature, more healthy, would have kept things from getting this bad for me at least. for her its all the same, she doesnt care one way or the other, i am dead to her and she never thinks about me, like i still think about her all the damn time weeks later. foooooooook me. GOD have mercy on my soul.

i mean i think the obsession will wane in time, but it will take a long time, AND i truly have to stay away from her, like no more emails, which I am suprrisingly confident i can do, believe it or not!

but that has to be all or nothing. i cant like email her 3 months for now and put in a small bet, hay hows it going, sorry about all the drama, want to try to be friends again, maybe hang out and catch up. because the feelings will really never go away. they never do. i mean i could go back 10 years and possibly start again white wedding with some of those women.

however it would be different obviously if she took the initiative and came crawling back to me lol. in that case i would respond to her. it would really depend on her tone and position. i migh meet up with her once and be like yeah i developed feelings and even though the drama is simmered down now, i will always have some feelings for you, so being just friends and watching you date and have casual sex with other guys is just not gonna be possible, so keep that in mind, so do you think there is any chance with you and me, if so, lets give it a shot, lifes too short lol. if not, well lets wish each other well, if you want to try dating in a year then contact me, or ever really, i’ll probably be willing to start again for the next oh 5 to 10 years. just dont call if you have any bastard kids with badboys, or after you’ve taken more than 10 additional cox from now, taken a good hard ride on the coq carousel.

sissy ass white knights say the coq carousel is a misogynistic myth, and i dont like to be a woman hater, but i can verify it is NOT a myth, god have mercy on us. i wish it WERE a myth. it is insanely heartbreaking when a once good gurl decided to take a spin on it. they are changed permanently. ruined. it is SO sad to see that happen to a good woman. i honestly cant handle that pain.

ok called my dr as instructed. worried about making the phone call for 20 minutes. that was amazing. with all this crazy shit going on i was worried about making a PHONE CALL. and my horrible JOB was i used to be on the PHONE ALL DAY.

its like you never make real progress. you can be on the phone 40 hours a week yet STILL get nervous about making a damn phone call. its like you’ve gone nowhere, made no progress, have not improved or developed at all over the years, even with lots of phone experience. that is very discouraging. everything is very discouraging. life is discouraging hahahahaha.

it is amazing that you can be touching your loved one and you get such a good feeling out of it…..and they feel nothing, or revulsion. i say this because of one time i was sitting next to my beloved woman on the ground “indian-legged” style and my leg was touching her leg for like a full 10 seconds, which was kind of my intent hahahaha, and i was like oh it feels so good to be touching her even just a little bit, and later realized that she was probably “this is awful, i cant wait until he stops touching me.”

and if its that bad with just your damn knees touching, imagine how bad it is when you get more physical. your dick up in the gurl and you think oh god this is the best experience ever, i will never forget this, i am in total luv with this gurl and i want to get married and make babies with her and be married to her for 70 years, and she is thinking oh god this is HORRIBLE, we are never having secs again, he is gross, he is so awkward, this is the worst thing ever, never again, he has no idea how to do this, i want a real man not an omega male, a man who KNOWS how to fook and please a woman, etc etc etc.

so yeah just a complete disconnection, no connection whatsoever, between two people who appear to be physically close. that is also very discouraging and a bit horrifying. like the cok carousel is horrifying. cuz though the cok carousel kills womens ability to connect long term and luv a man, there is no doubt that for those several minutes of being fooked by alphas, they feel something deep, they enjoy it, that is the closest they will get to True Luv. is 10 minutes being fooked by an alpha. i mean sure that is very sad that they willhave trouble developing long term love and probably be terrible wives and mothers.