aug 5 2015

ok got muh 5.6 miles in. that is nice. got to do that every day.

it is weird to fall deeper in luv with someone youve never even made out with, than the average married people luv their spouses.

well my shrink advised me that true love, vs infatuation, takes 12 to 18 months to fully bloom. i can believe that.

well i was friends with the gurl for 2 years and THEN i fell in luv with her hahahaha. so what does that count as. well it certainly feels like luv. i am certainly adding her to the list of bigass heartbreaks! so i dont really care what it is, it is the most powerful feeling in the world! and if that is infatuation, then i dont think i could handle true love! infatuation is more than strong enough!

now, can you have luv WITHOUT infatuation first?

great question!  i would bet the answer is “IT DEPENDS.”

sometimes yes, sometimes no.

with female exfriend, there was no love or infatuation, just a respect and liking and appreciation, then BOOM something happened two years in. that was either infatuation or love. the feels were upgraded and converted.

i just cant believe how wrong everything went. but that was all on me quitting the job. i could have not quit the job and sucked it up like every other normalfag who gets dumped by their coworkers does.

but i was subconsciously looking for a “good excuse” to leave the job, because the job was deadend and sucked so bad.

hahaha i have never been well adjusted or stable or confident enough to hold onto a woman or hold onto a job. good thing i am seeing a shrink and taking meds! i might not be batshit crazy per se but i am severely damaged goods, almost as good hahahahaha.

anyway i am just a little butthurt because i believe i deserved just a LITTLE bit better treatment. jeez the anger and coldness with which she treated me, youd think i rejected HER and broke HER heart!

come on! you cant break MY heart AND be freezing cold to me! one or the other!

of course i am repeating myself. that is always a sign your writing is taking a bad turn.

but yeah in cards terms, i was and am basically ON TILT. when you are on tilt you cannot keep cool, keep calm, think straight, carry on. you act purely out of emotion, fear, and anger, like a cornered animal. yep thats about right. i know that feel man.

but yeah true love is crazy by definition. on tilt.  makes you do crazy stuff like quit your job and fall into the worst derpression of your life. you can understand how it makes other bad people do violent things. thankfully i have enough morality to know that violence is immoral. i was going to say “self control” but that would imply that k’ing the people who reject you is ok, but you just restrain yourself because you dont want to go to jail. hehehehe. no, you also wouldnt want the guilty conscience of k’ing a damn human being weighing on you the rest of your godforsaken life!

anyway. you dont generally HATE somebody because they have feelings for you. usually you get PITY and the gurl says, and i quote: “Awww!? (girly upward inflection) Im sorry I think you’re a really nice guy, but I just dont feel the same way about you. aww. i’m so sorry! lets just be friends!”

because they do that 9000000 times a day, the are experts in it, fully competent hahaha.

they dont turn into Evil Ice Queen giving you angry coldness.

…..unless they are secretly in love with you too, great now i can be In Denial for years and Scheming about how I am going to get her back. jesus christ this is too much. i should go for another 1.4 miler hahahaha clearly.

the writing is going bad again!

it does that REALLY easily. EVERY damn time. be warned. writer beware.

well i am distracting myself with cards, tv, and family as well.

how about you distract yourself with finding a job hahahahahahahahaha.

see i can go through the motions of humor. not good humor. subpar humor that wont make you friends, make you likeable, sure as hell wont win you semi attractive women.

i have to specify attractive women. the female exfriend who dumped me was not ugly at all, i was very attracted to her and would have had fun doing physical things with her all night. 1000 times.

i dont mean to discriminate against unattractive people. i’m simply saying that you need to find someone attractive in order to be physically attracted to them. or, you will not have any fun making out or cuddling or having secs with someone you do not find attractive. you will be repulsed by these physical actvities with an unattractive person.

i mean i am not super attractive myself but i am not horribly ugly. i have pull attractive women in the past. very briefly. maybe thats what SPOILED me! because i was young and looked better then. i mean i am still not UGLY though. and if i keep up this ridiculous jogging i might lose weight which would make me more attractive.

aug 6

slept a little better than i have been but still not feeling good. had dream featuring the woman. she was at least being nice to me and hanging out with me and i was looking into her pretty eyes damn. then i realized i would never see her again. she never wants to see me, i suppose i would like to see her again, but only if she wants to date me hahahaha. well what if she wanted to hang out with me and have a no strings attached casual secs rel. well then absolutely 100% i couldnt turn that down, but it would also hurt me even more, for sure.

women are either married or happy in their rel, OR in the process of ending something, OR in the process of starting something. I dont know how women either get over the men they truly loved, OR how they develop true love for new men. when you are ALWAYS with someone, even if you are Just Having Secs with them, I dont know how you develop true feelings for anyone, or ever get over the old relationships that did mean something. you really have to be alone, no secs partners, no dating, for like a year at least. and this is absolutely UNHEARD OF for women. but it is pretty common for men. just another way men and women are SO DIFFERENT, and why relationships are like WAR. it is amazing i have ever even had female friends. well it wasnt really THAT difficult when i didnt have FEELINGS for them! the FEELINGS always screw everything up!

might be moving towards acceptance about The End Of The Woman here, and now starting to worry about The Job situation more.

and generally feeling like a messed up person who cannot cope with the demands of Adult Life. this is nothing new, it is has plagued me for many years, kinda was able to ignore it while I was being killed by my job all day, but even then i was still not being a responsible adult with my own independent life, even though i was working full time, but the full time job was taking everything i had so all i did was work and try to rest to survive through the next day of work, then sleep/rest/do nothing on days off. it really was not a good job, which is why my gut feeling is not to go back. let alone the harrowing devastation of the woman will still be there. it would be better if she were gone, possibly tolerable enough for me to make it through another “season”.

hehehe i should have just joined the military when i was 18, that would have fixed me hahaha.

i always thought “depression” was my main problem, but I am starting to see how “anxiety” is also a much bigger problem than I thought it was. thinking it would be Generalized Anxiety Disorder hahahaha. you are just anxious about everything. albeit some things even more. like jobs and women and being a failure who cant cope with life, cant handle life.

see the writing is going down the bad path right now. you can tell, its not hard to tell!

5.6 miles yesterday, how could that not be enough. shit. better go back out there soon.

but yeah as the immediate anxiety and grief about the woman starts to subside (not as much as you would think!) that related to the job starts to increase. maybe it will get to worry about both at once, just flip flop back and forth from one obsessive worry to the other. that would be great. shit i can see that happening.

this is why i beg prayers to GOD for any sort of relief. see how these trials have increased my faith: realizing i am powerless, and then begging for mercy from a supernatural power that defies all reason and when you think about it sounds absolutely stupid and ridiculous hahahaha. that is how desperate you get. i am not sure this is true faith. i dont feel faithful. i am still no more certain that god exists. not sure these experiences have brought me closer to GOD in other words. they have however made me more desperate to beg to GOD for any kind of help however. well some say the desire to know GOD is enough, even if you dont feel like you are getting anywhere.

but yeah feeling like you cant handle life, cant handle jobs, cant handle relationships, does give you a real inferiority complex compared to the normalfags who do their jobs, live independently, get gurlfrans and wives and have secs and have chirren, make money, pay the bills, buy houses and cars, do all that normie shit.