aug 5

well cant stop writing. when i get back on facebook i will pick up my “blog” there for my real life friends, but…. gonna be a few months before i can do that.

only thing i can compare this pain and loss to is somebody DYING. and in a way, someone has. True Love Has Died. The person has Died to you, as someone you can or should Love. you have to let them go as a Love Person (i think the term “love object” has negative connotations.)

when we used to be just mutual platonic friends, that was valuable and comforting to me to know that i could even HAVE a female friend. i suppose in a way it was A Stepping Stone towards True Intimacy. but she would confide in me and tell me her fears and secrets. i suppose i should have reciprocated a bit more. but at that time, i was worried that she might be developing feelings for me, which I feared, because I didn’t have feelings for her. oh how the tables would turn!

but even if she DID have feeligns for me, and i didn’t reciprocate, I was still 9000000000000000 times more humane and warm and open to communicate with her, than she was, when i had feelings for her that she didn’t want!

so what did i learn. blurt it out early, as soon as it starts becoming a problem. it probably started becoming a problem after 3 to 4 months, and i was writing all sorts of draft texts, and draft emails i would never sent, and was just building up with drafts of things i wanted to say to her, but “couldn’t”.

bullshit. just write them in an email and send it at 4 months, get it out of your fookin system, and maybe you can keep your job, not go crazy, not hit rock bottom, and end things with your woman in a merely moderately painful way rather than a completely devastating end of the world way. have the pain only be a 6 or 7 instead of an 11.  and that muh frands is WORTH IT.

also if you notice there are certain topics you dance around with your female friend, stop fooking dancing around them. if you think she has a secret boifran and you’re wondering why she’s not telling you, ask her straight fooking UP do you have a boifran, whats going on there. oh things arent going well? well i would treat you much better JUST SAYIN. think about it. you could do a lot worse.

got love to burn, gotta take a chance, gotta let your guard down, gotta take a chance……ON LUV.

duh fook yeah thats a neil song.

anyway i took a chance, i went all in, and oh well i lost it all. i dont think you can do anything less when its true luv.

so maybe it wasn’t, and i wanted to prove to myself it was true luv, when it was just passing infatuation?

but i saw the luv as building on, and growing from, the roots of the 2 year platonic friendship that preceded it.

i was hoping for a call regarding my old loser job today, in response to the email i wrote the manager yesterday, but nothing. i didn’t want to BEG, however it would be good to get that job back because it was EASY, it’s SOME money, and it would fix this RESUME GAP, and make it easier to find proper gainful employment in the future.

well i stalked the young man who impressed me with his political talk the othe rnight. learned he is 26 years old, and when he was a mere 19 he ran for damn county commissioner (Repub). and did his degree in finance and is listed under “investment management” on linkedin hehehe. uhhhh thats not a bad job. of course you have to go to a TOP SKOOL to work on WALL STREET and he clearly doesnt work on WALL STREET. i am not sure where exactly he works. he might not even work hahahaha just a bum like me. but he is much more motivated and energetic and clear headed and he can really communicate well. and i bet HE would have no problem getting women interested in him. he is tall, skinny, and fairly handsome. my female former friend would have gotten with HIM im sure hahahaha.

so yeah he would CUCK the shit out of me and be the total alpha to my total omega hahahaha.

but he is a good guy.

but it does take a special kind to want to run for county commissioner at age 19. when i was 19 i didnt even know what a county commissioner WAS. That didnt come until i was 23 or 24 hahaha and i certainly had no desire to RUN. I am thinking he probably comes from a very politically involved family. possibly his father guided him down this road, possibly his father is involved in the Community, be it a business owner, or attorney, or elected official, commissioner, some sort of pillar of the community type. and perhaps the son picked this up at a nice young age.

anyway he’s a good guy and i could learn something from him and need to get a good newspaper or website recommendation from him. i mean national review is pure zionist cuckery right? total big tent sell out bullshit eh?

anyway he is a good enough communicator to get some pvssy.

its not that i am a BAD COMMUNICATOR. I can actually be a pretty GOOD communicator. like when i was talking on the phone all day.  and i think i was a good communicator at least 65% of the time with my female friend.  ex friend. there were just a few important topics i danced around. so uhhhhh looks like that 35% of stuff took up 99% of the importance eh? damn.

see when you are in a funk, everything you say can and will be used against you! you can literally do, say, or think NO GOOD!

so i am tacking on more jogging, doing about 42% of it jogging now. perhaps even 47%. again i do not want to go over 50%, i think 40% is ideal. but i have been alternating between doing that, and writing. trying not to write myself deeper into the funk, but write myself UP FROM it a little bit. writing alone will not save me of course, and certainly exercising will be disproportionately important i think. more important than writing i think. so, more jogging, less writing.

anyway i guess it would help to have other female friends, just to prove to myself that i am not so fookin weird and repulsive to all women that i can indeed HAVE female friends.

so how much do you need to walk/jog per day to overcome these horrible dreadful thoughts and feelings? of which there are certainly a LOT?

well hell at least 5 miles a day! i am going for 5.6 today. ok going to do that. god damn. really the jogging is one of the best things i can do. its one of the ONLY things i can do.

heh it sucks about the job. if i didnt work with her, i could perhaps “throw myself into my work.” but i certainly could not do that when i was working WITH HER!!!!!!!! foooooooooooook!!!!!!!!!

i mean the job sucked anyway, i wanted to leave the god damn FIELD altogether. you either take phone calls on complicated weird confusing shit, all day, and have to be comfortable with the fact that you never really know what youre doing. i could NEVER get comfortable with that. i needed to have more control than that. rather than the sense of no control, no power, no competence. it bugged me. and it bugged me MORE when i would see and hear her, yet i couldnt even fookin TALK to her because she would ignore me completely. i do not know how people do this. and manage to still do their jobs. i could not do my fookin job for gods sake. could not cope with a little difficulty in life. when the going gets tough, the weak roll over and die hahahahaha.

ok jogging time. see you can tell when the writing starts to get bad. you can just tell. and so then you go out and do the 40% jog. unlike writing, this can NEVER go bad.