aug 5 15
welp writing can be bad but it doesnt HAVE to be bad. seeing how its one of the only things i feel like doing, i might as well make the most of it, to get myself, and YOU, out of our respective Funks.
Maybe I will also play a little cards. in no more than 45 minutes i will go back out and do a powerwalk / jog. I am trying to bump it up to 40% jogging on my 1.4 mile route. it has been at about 35%. I dont really want to go over 50% because i have always thought jogging is GAY and also bad on your knees and ankles and joints, however, it IS good for getting your Heart Rate Up, which is the ONLY reason I’m doing it, because I am in such a low rock bottom devastated state that I absolutely NEED to get my heart rate up.
you its bad when you cant even enjoy music. that is a TELLTALE sign.
this neil young bonnaroo 2003 set is one of the greatest things i’ve heard/seen all year. it is tricky for me to enjoy neil now because it taps directly into The Pain and Heartbreak, as both I and the woman are big Neil fans, and I falsely thought that our deep luv of Neil would also help bring me and her closer together. Nope of course it didn’t. but i still love neil and will love neil longer and stronger than i ever loved her, hahahaha, and will fight to keep neil essentially. don’t want to let her take neil away from me.
but yeah this is the unique pain of Sharing Interests with your “Lover.” I guess it CAN bring SOME people closer together, but it can also FOOL you into thinking you Share Something Deeper, when you DONT.
such a double edged sword, because music like this taps into the same Deep Senses that True Love does, so its easy to get them twisted, and sometimes it’s right and proper to mingle them because your partner also luvs you just as you both luv the music. and sometimes you dont.
anyway i like the idea of Depression Camps. Cuz I was thinking people in the throes of horrible derpression are essntially trying to return to the womb. you can’t cope with the world any more. you cant deal with reality. you cant handle life. you constantly fear that one day its just gonna be too much and then you’re gonna snap. then you snap and it all comes crashing down and you are at rock bottom. and then maybe some of your anxiety is lessened, but you dont feel much better, and then you have to desperately take meds and pray that one day they will kick in.
there were some neil songs that I “shared” with the woman more than others. for example listening to “heart of gold” or “cowgirl in the sand” might not be doable for the next few years hahahahahahaha but thank GOD I still have “love to burn” and “like a hurricane”, and those are nothing to sneeze at. its rough to lose “cowgirl” tho.
the exact opposite of confidence is anxiety and fear. the most important thing a man needs is confidence in himself. this will give him the persistence and resilience to keep going when times get tough, and they will get tough. but if youre always doubting yourself and anxious all the time, that really kills your confidence. which then kills your competence at whatever you’re trying to do: work, skool, think creatively, be funny, solve problems, everything. down the crapper. dealing with life. cant do it no more.
so i was thinking what are the best jobs for peopel who cant handle stress, cant deal with life, quit all their other jobs, emotionally unstable, anxious, depressed people? then i realize there ARE NO jobs for hopeless cases like us. because you gotta have some base line of strength and confidence to do ANY job. ALL jobs are hard and stressful and push you to the fookin LIMIT and holding down a job and finding a job is literally THE hardest thing in the fookin world. well next to finding, attracting, and keeping a person you Luv. both those things are impossibly hard and will give you years and lifetimes worth of disappointment.
so i thought of having depression camps, kinda like fat camp, or boot camp for rebellious teens, or a bit like rehab perhaps. where people with similar problems could get in a big group and learn from each other, and be Coached into how to deal with life, how to communicate, how to deal with stress, how to get jobs, how to get a wife, how to be a damn normalfag already, how to stay strong, be Stress Hardy if you will, so that you have a Reserve to fall back on when the going gets tough.
and they could have job placement and such, we wouldnt let you go until you got a job.
but the whole thing would be free of charge, kinda like salvation army rehab. where you go to a place in the ghetto with a bunch of ghetto felons who cant wait to get out of court mandated rehab so they can immediate go do moar crack and heron hahahahaha. just kidding. no im not really sure theres any way to do what i am trying to do.
i was also thinking of going on craigslist to offer my services as a “DEPRESSION BUDDY” where basically i would hang out one on one with losers and basically hold their hand as they do Baby Steps and try to start Coping with Life. take them to the salvation army to get a suit, practice interviews with them, practice communication, listen to them talk, practice my own listening and communication, take them on 40% jogs, get them out of the house, spend time with them, try to build up their confidence bit by bit.
all completely unlicensed, no masters degrees, no spending 60 grand to get a masters degree, then being unable to find a 18 DAHJ Social Worker Job!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you could just be a bachelors degree bum doing your unlicensed shit for 12DAH hahahahaha . (Dollars An Hour Job)
hmm maybe i cant listen to like a hurricane. it is hitting me so deep, deeper than 99% of all music, and it seems like such a damn shame to have someone who i used to be close to, be able to appreciate this type of stuff as well, and also to essentially dump me in a very cold and inhumane manner. she probably didnt mean to hurt me but oh well i got hurt quite a bit. but sometimes i wonder. you only shut somebody down like this either when you want to hurt them, or you feel they’ve hurt YOU a lot, and the only thing you can do in retaliation is pull the fookin plug and never look back.
how did i hurt her so much? she is behaving like i broke her heart and killed her family or something when i did nothing of the sort. i just got feelings and was just a little pushy and Not Perfect about Communicating them. is that REALLY such a VILE, EGREGIOUS, shameful crime? i didn’t cheat on her, i didn’t abandon her, hehehe i never even dated her. but yeah it totes feels like she abandoned me. just dropped me like a bad habit. and not the type of bad habit you just cant quit. but the type you quit cold turkey right away hahaha.
even if she were to feel regret about How It Ended and contact me a few months from now (i dont bet on that happening!) i guess that would generally improve karma a bit, but i would still WANT her.
i guess its not true love then. because true love is about letting go, not trying to tighten your grip. and the more i tightened my grip, the more she slipped away. the more i pushed to get closer to her, the more i pushed her away.
so yeah it is devastating, i am devastated. my job was hard enough without having to see her every day. the only way we could have made that work is if we could work on different FLOORS and NEVER see each other. and this is impossible. but it really wouldnt make a difference if i were sitting 5 feet away from her, or 50 feet away, in the big cavernous room we worked in. because if she sat 50 feet away, i would be standing up every hour to glare at the back of her head hatefully. i just cant see it working out. and continuing to be distracted from my work. couldnt do it any more.
kinda sucks, last two women ive been “in love with” i met on the JOB. and this is breaking a big rule isnt it. yes it is. oh well i like to think that love is irrational, and we really cant control it, and it happens when it happens, which is why timing is such a big thing. maybe we COULD have worked out if the timing had been better. but it just wasnt. I was lonely like ive always been, having never had a real gurlfran and always wanting one, occasionally getting heartbroken, and i was over one heartbreak and Ready To Try Luv once again, and when i got feels for her, she was just having HER heart broken and was honestly, legit Not Ready. like i say, bad timing. perhaps if she was Over everything she possibly needed to be Over.
But women don’t seem to Stay Single Long Enough to do this. its always one guy immediately after the other, or no more than like 2 or 3 months in between guys. it just seems so MESSY to me. i mean when you are Really In Luv with somebody, it takes LONGER than 3 months to get over them. how could you POSSIBLY get with anyone else during that time? because you’re lonely and desperate? probably.
and thats a big difference between women and men. women get lonely and desperate, they find a man who can “FILL THE GAP” (pun intended) even though they might not have real feelings for that man, they just need a warm body to distract them from whoever they were REALLY in luv with and broke their heart.
Men get lonely and desperate, they STAY lonely and desperate, because these qualities are a BIG turnoff to women, and Men need to TRANSFORM themselves thru sheer force of will. it aint easy son. and thats why i, your depression buddy, is here for you in these tuff times, to help you thru them, when no woman ever will hahahahaha.
is such a good branding thing. patent pending. copyright pending. no creative commons bullshit. copyright UFMLL 2015. copyright up from morally lazy loserness how to stop being a lazy loser whatever my fooking name is august 2015. i mean that might end up being my livelihood, my career, right there. i gotta capitalize on it.
as i Grew My Business, I might Hire one of the guys I worked with. it only makes sense. I wouldnt want some fookin young winner right out of college hahahahaha. i want someone who has gone down the dark hopeless roads hahaha. real true actual fookin losers who have lost it all with no hope of ever getting it back again hahaha.
now should i make it a nonprofit organization? well i wouldnt mind making a SMALL profit. but what about taxes. if i could get nonprofit tax exempt status, maybe i could make more money for myself than if it were a “small profit” company. hahaha. way to get ahead of myself.
ok i mean to go out for another walk 30 minutes ago. better go do that.