aug 5

yep whats done is done. so it was all my fault for not communicating empathically. well the same thing could be said of her qua me i suppose. she could have said he’s really worried and wants to talk about something important, sure he’s annoying and pushy but we used to be decent friends, so, humor him this one time and let him say what he wants to say.

but she gets a pass on not being empathic because she is going thru tuff times in her life, tuffer than i am. yet i’m the one who goes cray cray and quite my job. which she probably sees as a sign of cray cray, and now im gonna spend all my time stalking her.

fook that shit! aw hale no! hale to the no! but i am spending all my time thinking about and obsessing about her, does that count lol.

no i am trying to do other stuff to, like powerjog and maybe eventually lose this weight, so i can get casual secs from single momz and cougarz after i lose enough weight to pull them hahahaha.

i had a good upbringing and family yet i was always very sensitive, weak, shy, reserved, cautious, risk averse, change averse, etc. i hear a large amount of that is Inborn, like your Inborn Temperament. So I certainly had a fair amount of that. then I think General Life Stress and Anxiety came to the fore in my teen years and that Triggered Me (Trigger Warning is Triggering hahahahaha). it wasnt any one thing in particular, no one stressful event that pushed me over the edge, like death or abuse or anything. maybe just sense of being overwhelmed by everything.

which certainly came back again recently, there was sense of being generally overwhelmed all the time at job, but there was the main event of the “breakup” with her which pushed over the edge. cant even really call it a “breakup” because we never Dated, but it feels like my damn beloved wife of 50 years has died!!!!

so people find that hard to understand, how you can have such deep feelings for somebody without even dating them. fine i get that. i just luv that much more deeply son, i luv gurls i’ve never dated more than most married peopel love their husbands/wives.

and now i am overwhelmed by the task of rebuilding the life from Rock Bottom. ridiculous because i have a Support System of family, shrink, the things I try to do to be healthy, muh medz i take desperately.

but yeah DESPERATION has always been a big feature ever since shit age 21 22 or so, past 10 years. desperate for female luv, desperate for a job any job, sick of being rejected over and over and over again by jobs and women, and just spending long years in periods of total rejection and not bouncing back.

well i had a chance here with this job, but kinda blew it. i might have had a chance with the woman in the past, and if i did, i certainly blew that as well.

would things be better if she had communicated with me and told me no? i think they would a little bit! might make it easier to sleep at night, easier to ACCEPT that its over, harder to live in DENIAL, harder to fall into the trap of “maybe there will be a chance 3, 6, 12, 24, 48 months from now etc” ye gods. i really dont want to fall into THAT trap.

hey maybe i am just bipolar. that could fookin be. i’ve never really had a MANIC state ever though. I am jsut crippling derpressed all the time, even when i am at a relative peak!

as i was cleaning shit out of closets, throwing tons of shit away in an attempt to do ANYTHING productive apart from Jogging, i’ve got like TONS of books and videos and shit that i can donate to goodwill, salvation army, purple heart that kind of thing. if one person can get enjoyment out of one thing that is better than it sitting in a box never being touched or looked at! i see old books i had enjoyed as a child and think DAMN I could enjoy books back then, maybe i wasnt ALWAYS soo fooked up! and then i give the book away hahaha.

kinda feel like nick cage in leaving las vegas where he throws out everything in his house into 100 garbage bags, burns all his pictures of his wife and kids and family, literally trying erase his own past, and then he sets off to drink himself to death. very very powerful movie in some parts. not sure its A Perfect Movie, but it does have some perfect scenes which kill me and prevent me from watching it too regularly. like when he throws everything out and burns the photos. god damn.

so i kinda feel like that a little when cleaning out my shit. like SHOULD I really be throwing all this away? dont I want to save ANYTHING for posterity? WHAT posterity?!!! So cleaning shit out is generally good but of course I worry if i’m taking it too far, like i do with many things.

or giving away my records which i used to enjoy, there were some pretty sweet records in there which carried some nostalgia. but the nostalgia reminded me mainly of the Lostness of my youth, and i didnt want to be reminded of that. Very Painful. Everything is Painful. It was too painful to see the woman every day knowing we were having irreconcilable differences and not talking, and then hear her talking in a friendly way to other people, when she used to be friendly to me……and now we dont talk AT ALL. very painful. incredibly painful. dont know how i will get over this pain wthout being permanenly broken and damaged hahaha.

see this is exactly why writing is bad.

im back again. gotta stop this. this is UP FROM lazy loserness, not Run it deeper into the rock bottom of abject loserness! how to STOP being a lazy loser, not how to keep being a huge lazy loser wallowing in freakish misery and despair forever!

but i should put it in my mission statement, that it helps the WORLD to have a chronicle of this despair, so that people can maybe understand better their Loved Ones who Suffer From Derpression hahahahaha. cuz truly normalfags JUST DONT GET IT.

but understanding and getting it is not as important as the Moral Loving Support right?

right, but I dont think understanding is BAD either!

when you are crippling derpressed you have no interest in anything. i seem to have been in a constant state of this for the past 10 years hahahaha. 12 years, maybe 14 years. rapidly approaching half my entire life. good god.

i thought a good woman or a good job would save me. preferably a good woman. but wouldnt know, have not experienced either yet lol.

there is the sense of Missing Milestones and Falling Behind your Peers: stuff like you, i dunno, get your first Serious Gurlfran at age 18 or so and bang like rabbits for 2 or 3 years; then have your wild oats phase; get a job in the city and enjoy the Bustle of City life with other Young People; struggle for a few years but still manage to make ends meet; a few years later but well before 30, get your Graduate Degree and/or a Good Job that you can see yourself staying with for a while and hopefully moving up; find a decent partner and start thinking about marriage; even most professional, successful normies I know were married by 30 at least, and I think women still have a sense of they want to be married by 30 at least. shit women probably actually want to have their first KID by age 29!

which is GREAT, I mean I think people should get married at 18-20 and start having kids THEN like they did back in the DAY! and by the time youre 30 you have 4 or 5 kids!

anyway i never reached any of those milestones and so in many ways still feel like an Angsty 16 Year Old stuck in a 30-35 year old mans body!

the most impressive thing ive done with my life was do very very good in high school, and then also graduate from a highly-regarded University. with a useless degree and a horrible work ethic. and its been all downhill from there hahahaha.

and i would be happy saying that the most impressive thing ive ever done with my life was find a nice low-number working class gurl who i truly loved, and then we got married, and life was not always easy, but we always Luved Each Other lol.

or literally everyone you know has had relships with women that have lasted YEARS, where they lived together and had secs many times, but the longest you did was 3 months in things which could not even be called legit relships.

anyway thats enough CHRONICLING hahahaha. but this is what its like, NORMIES. in this case tis better to talk than to write because when you talk, IMHO, you have a better chance of spinning things around, trying to end things on a positive note, which is necessary and good.

cant watch the news because the ridiculous spin makes me angry. plus im not allowed to have a political opinion because my mind is muddled. i try to get out and yesterday people were having an insanely interesting political discussion, that also revealed how knowledgeable and smart he was, to the extent of wow, you should be a political commentator or a politician for a CAREER man, you know so much and are clearly very passionate. then i thought of how i was not that knowledgeable or passionate about ANYTHING. I have my political biases and I never go out of the comfort zone, have grown weary of digging and digging and digging for the truth, and cling to the Far Right as my security blanket hahahaha.

but it showed me how this guy was a huge healthy happy normie and i was not. i just dont care about things that much or have that much interest in things. he had never been Touched By The Darkness of Derpression in other words hahahaha. but i like this guy, he is a great guy, also he leans towards the Right, so that’s fantastic hahahaha. and he is not a damn zionist or cuckservative hahaha. maybe a libertarian conservative hahaha. a true small gummint guy, and ridiculously smart. like lawyer politician grad skool smart, middle class smart, 100K a year + smart. but also a great guy who I think has a decent moral compass and wants to do the right thing. a great potential male friend in other words! these are the type of people i SHOULD be gravitating towards, but instead i see how awesome they are, and say damn i’m so far away from that, I dont DESERVE to be hanging out with awesome people like this! but i know better to be a damn debbie downer.

so yeah if you meet awesome people, uhhhh just try to ignore your thoughts like that, and just enjoy spending time with them.

however if you always feel intellectually inferior all the time to the people you hang out with, that can become a problem if you spend too much time with them, without addressing that issue. so i dont spend a ton of time with this guy. also having some similarities helps. like he seems to lean towards the Right and I have more in common with Rightists than Leftists, even if all im doing is unintelligent, emotional, bitter clinging. i would probably still lean towards the right even if i COULD think straight!!!!!

so yeah it helps to have SOME political similarity to the people.

but yeah might be time for another power walk jog. might have to bump it up to a full 40% jogging. it is healthier and better and more beneficial than THIS. THIS is hurting me!!!! the writing i mean. i should not be doing this!