DONT EVEN WRITE ABOUT IT: WRITING LEADS TO OVERTHINKING/RUMINATING

aug 1 2015

yep things have all gone wrong. who just quits their job because of woman related anxiety? pussy ass cucks, thats who! sissy omega virgins who will NEVER get a gurlfran!

i mean i didnt handle this with the greatest karma, but they handled it even worse imho. but i am jelly that they get to keep a cool head, get to keep their job, and dont look like the crazy psycho unstable party here. so, i am the bad guy here, even though they technically have the bad karma.

so, how do you handle this in an interview?

ok. say this: “I had to take care of some personal issues which necessitated a leave of absence.  This was agreed upon with good terms between myself and management. I had a personal issue with another employee which resulted in irreconcilable differences and compromised production in the working environment. I had  great performance and attendance and am very comfortable using management as references.”

cuz you gotta be positive positive positive.

hehe it is funny i am saying welp its best not to place blame, and even mentioning karma, and i want to blame them as having the bad karma, and give myself the moral high ground of good karma! it is obviously i do not fully grasp karma in my heart. i mean i understand it, but i clearly just dont Believe it apparently. because i want the good karma, and i want them to have the bad karma.

aug 4

well i have determined that EVEN WRITING about this will not do much if ANY good. the best way to erase the woman from my mind (is that even the ideal goal?) is not to write about it for a while at least. i mean damn.

i was very pushy to her because i really really really wanted to talk about the situation. she “punished” me for my “Crime” by refusing to talk to me whatsoever, eventually leading to me being the bad guy by pushing and needing too much. being too needy. not accepting the reality. until eventually i was desperately begging plz respond, and she wouldn’t. so that kinda drove me crazy.  could not deal with it any more.

and of course when you hurt someone and want forgiveness, you have to try to right the wrong. and really the only way i can right the wrong is to leave her completely alone. no contact. well she’s prob blocked my phone anyway, plus i have deleted her phone, so really “best” way i have to contact her is email, and she prob deleted the 2 “important” emails i sent her anyway.

but thing is i dont think im entirely in the wrong. sure i made mistakes but imho she made mistakes too. and i am butthurt about receiving no communication, just frozen out and blocked like i am some stalker abusive x boifran getting a restraining order. hehehehe at least those boifrans get some make out action hahahaha and the woman actually gives some tenderness to them before it all goes wrong.

but yeah its a really bad way for it to end, completely broke my heart, impossible to go back to insane job with the woman, AND have no contact with her, AND see her be all friendly to other people and freezing cold to me, when we used to be super friendly, which led me to believe that we would be able to face problems like mature adults.

and this isnt even a promiscuous modern woman brainwashed sheeple degenerate wh0re modern american poisoned woman! but a fairly low number nice gurl who seemed fairly moral! and they can still do you wrong! are all women REALLY like that? even the Nice ones? of course! hahahaha and that is why i am a broken man woman hater hahahaha. see this is how writing is bad.

there was a point where I was writing tons of draft texts to her, had 40 texts of things i wish i could say, some of them tender, some secsy, some whatever. all beta hahahaa. but it was at THAT TIME that I should have Blurted It Out, becuase it was obvious things were Building Up from being Bottled Up.

also there were always certain conversation topics that we always avoided, like our secs lives, dating, bla bla bla. i should have come right out and said “so, takin many cox? wanna take mine in there while you’re wh0rin in up?” hahahahaha. no only somewhat kidding, she was not wh0ring it up. but i should have been more pushy? about pushing the conversation into those private areas? but i was already too pushy. but better earlier than later? i guess. see this is an exmaple of you think too much about it, you WILL go crazy. overthinking, ruminating, and THIS IS WHAT WRITING LEADS TO.

so we were both wrong. she thinks i was more wrong, i think she was more wrong. i guess i’m not ENTITLED to anything, let alone an explanation, a discussion, or a god damn RESPONSE.

my beef is, we seemed to have a friendly and close enough “friendship” that I thought I was sort of entitled to A Response. i mean you just dont throw away several good years with no response. that is too much for me to handle. so i kept pushing for a response, therefore ensuring i would never get it.

so obviously the best thing i can do now is Let It Go, Pray for Acceptance, Move On; and writing about it is not gonna serve that purpose.

SO, I have trying to spend more time with family, and that is great. i mean they dont fully understand the depths of my luv, and how i can fall so deeply in luv with gurls that i never even really Dated, but they dont really need to understand.  i mean i dont quite understand it myself. i am just grateful to have their support, which is more than most losers have! you don’t need understanding, understanding is totally overrated and useless. you do need support however. support and luv, so i am grateful to have that.

but yeah it IS painful to have everything end this way. i have been watching these tv shows where people still do their jobs despite unbelievable stress, horrible secrets, like they have guilt for murdering people or they hold murderous grudges against their coworkers for years……and yet they are still able to perform their jobs for 40 hours a week. maybe get flustered once in a while. but not as much as I was! also i try to tell myself this is just tv not real life. and that i should not compare myself.

but what about the other people at the job who have fooked each other, had a falling out, and now dont talk to each other any more? theres a little bit of that! and certainly for there to be a falling out, means that one person got feelings! obviously when there is a rejection, theres a winner and a loser, and i was certainly the loser here, because i completely fell apart and had close to a breakdown, and now my life is in ruins, and i am struggling to rebuild it. the Winner goes on with life normally, or at least they are able to continue doing their job, and were less hurt by seeing me, than i was by seeing them.

fook. one of the most painful things is, i thought they cared about me more as a Human Being to be so cold to me. and now they think i am a crazy psychopath, so therefore i am the bad guy, and dont deserve to be treated like a human being. cuz even if she was never in luv with me, she was fairly compassionate and nice to me, and i liked that. i just wanted a little bit more of that, in working thru the ending of it all.

anyway i just try to Jog every day, spend time with family every day, clean room every day and throw shit out, not really write too much like i am doing now, because i THINK about the shit anyway, while i am out jogging, while i am trying to sleep, shit son, it sucks. also my confidence level, which is never high, is at an all time low, and of course you need confidence to Win Jobs. let alone women, but fook im not gonna be caring about women for a while, i have no desire to be with women, cuz she is the only woman i wanted to be with. i suppose i would bang beautiful 18 year olds presenting themselves to me with no effort or charisma or confidence or work on my end……..but thats obviously not gonna happen, and i dont really care about that.

yeah i just thought we were CLOSER than that. i thought the closeness had built up over several years of friendship. and maybe it did. but one person always has the power to take the closeness away, to shut it down. they just dont want to do it any more. they check out. and i guess she really started that process months ago, probably around the same time i developed feelings for her, which she probably picked up on, and that caused her to start to check out, to distance herself, pull away, reject me, push me away, me push her away, to stop being close.

but yeah it sucks to HAVE the closeness, and then to LOSE it. and it bothers me that gurls can have SEX with guys, and not even be close to them.

i mean its one thing for a beta fuccboi cuck to be in love with a gurl after 2 weeks, but that was not the case here. we were Platonic friends for almost 2 years, before my feelings finally converted, and that’s exactly when things started going bad. i mean i was still a loser then, but i was somehow much happier and more confident hahahahaha. not confident enough to be attractive to her hahahaha but still way better than i am now, at rock bottom!

and even when i was at that “peak”, i was not great: i was still a loser, still lazy, still low confidence, still couldn’t get a good job or a good woman hahahaha.

but yeah in the past she might have had compassion for me if i were having a difficult time like i am now. but now its nothing but coldness and anger and bitterness from her, wanting nothing to ever do with me again, not good enough to even talk to, etc. this is the worst case of “PLZ RESPOND” ever hahahaha.

see please respond is meant for omegas who fall in luv with some b1tch after 1 week. this case is totally different. we had closeness built up over the years. but i guess i VOIDED that the instant i got feelings. hehehe the exact reason why i wanted to Talk about the Feelings, was the exact reason she DIDNT want to talk about the feelings.

I wanted to get everything in the open and try to deal with an awkward, difficult situation. it only became more and more awkward and difficult. which increased my efforts to Talk About It, which increased her efforts to Avoid It Altogether and Cut Me Out. we had completely opposite approaches to dealing with the mutually difficult situation.

oh well life goes on. i just hate being abandoned and cut out because our history suggested that she simply had more regard for me than that. if i had a female friend who developed feelings for me after time, and wanted to talk about it, i would talk about it for hours. i would say sorry sorry sorry but i do not share your feelings, what can i do to make this easier for you, but i have to be honest and tell you this isnt gonna work out the way you want it to work out, thats painful, and i am sorry. i would have said something like that. i know we have been friends for a while so i appreciate you as a human being and i do not want to hurt you. that kind of shit.

but yeah writing too much about it already. i should be doing something productive like cleaning, writing this email to my old manager begging for my old job back, jogging. i cannot write like this too much about this situation now. it is hazardous to my health, much like that Relationship was, much like that Job was. and both happening Concurrently was just too much to handle for poor sensitive derpressed low confidence weak omega male me, hahahahaha.

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