july 31

they say its good to know the reason why it ended. the real reason it ended was that we had different feelings for each other. i wanted to marry her, she didnt. at all. i was in luv with her, and she felt no feelings for me. i had huge feelings for her, she had no feelings towards me.

well my coping mechanism is trying to spend as much time as possible with family. so that really is a good silver lining, because i was getting distant from them, so that is probably why the LORD gave me this suffering with woman.

but i would HATE to become OBSESSED with her, thinking of her every waking moment, and then come to HATE her for disappointing me and abandoning me.

lesson learned: don’t even wait a mere ten months to confess your feelings. if the gurl is avoiding The Talk, then Blurt Out your feelings via text, voice mail, in person all at once, email, facebook message, just COME RIGHT OUT AND SAY IT: “I have feelings for you.”

do this….within three months. definitely within 5 months. do NOT wait TEN months.

try to tell the person in person, but if they won’t ever agree to meet you, and you feel you have to Confess, and there’s really  nothing wrong with that, then just blurt it out at an awkward time, because they are not granting you the privilege of a nonawkward time.  shit.

my problem is we were both very nonconfrontational, although i was much more willing to have a semi-confrontational conversation, to have a difficult yet fearless conversation, to sit her down, warm her up, and confess in person, that i had feelings. i guess this is not the way it is done. well, last time what i did 3 years ago was Playfully touch the previous girl’s arm in a movie theatre. she reacted in such a way that it was VERY clear that she did not like that. and then that was over.

with this woman, i couldnt even GET her to go to the movie theatre. but it was confusing to me, since BEFORE, we did used to hang out, go out to dinner regularly, have long in person conversations regularly. then as soon as i got feelts, i couldnt get her to do these things any more. it was as if she READ MY MIND, knew what i wanted to talk about, deemed it too uncomfortable a conversation to have, and then no more hanging out, always an excuse.

so if you get this kind of freeze out where the gurl refuses to talk, BLURT IT OUT at an awkward time, because she won’t let you have a nonawkward time. thats what i would have done in hindsight. maybe after 3 months of struggling unsuccessfully to have the talk, i should have just called her around the holidays or something and been like yeah i know this is a bad time, but whens it eer gonna NOT be a bad time, but heres the deal baby: i have feeltz 4 u, take it or leave it, see ya.

but it is gonna take a LONG time before i am THAT attracted to a woman again. thing is, for almost two years, i felt no spark towards her. i tried to FORCE myself to view her Secsually. but then at some point, the switch was flipped, and then there was no more forcing. then ten months later i find myself in the worst heartbreak of life. sucks.

so what did i learn:

1. that yes i CAN Develop Feelings for a Platonic Female Friend after a Long period of time, and once where there was no spark, there can develop a HUGE spark; and if this can happen to me, it can happen to you too; so dont get skurred if you have a female friend and dont feel anything for her. because assuming she is not ass ugly, you very well may. even after as long as 2 years. the not being ugly thing is kinda important. before, i was like “she’s not ugly, why am I NOT in luv with her, whats wrong with me?” well eventually i fell in luv, and wrecked my whole life in ten short months hahaha. if she was objectively ugly, like 6 or under, i prob never would have got feels, because physical attraction is necessary for true love feels.

2. blurt out your feels in an awkward way if you do not get a nonawkward opportunity to do so within 3 to 5 months, and its clear the feels are real, and are not going away, and are starting to eat away at you.



great they have a workplace stack exchange which shows how competitive and impossible it is to get jobs. a bunch of people with computer science degrees struggling just as bad as me to get jobs, and there resumes and skill sets and achievements are much better.

i have been watching ridiculous BBC mystery programs from the 80s and 90s with my family and that along with the occaisional powerwalk & jog, and playing cards, is the only thing keeping me alive here. when i go to write, or try to sleep, my mind gets obsessed with HER. the obsession and hopefully not growing hate, is very disturbing. i just want to ERASE her from my mind!

i suppose at a time like this, some emotionless, no strings attached, no feelings, secs with some rando broad would be a good distraction. now i understand why women become huge whores when they get THEIR hearts broken by the dirtbag men THEY luv. women get their hearts broken, then go whore it up to distract themselves from their pain, just as i would gladly bang some rando sluts right now, provided they weren’t ass ugly. only difference is, and its a BIG important one, is i as a man cannot get pregnant, therefore its much less dangerous for me to have casual meaningless secs, than for a woman.  besides i dont even know any moderately attractive sluts i could call for a booty call hahahahaha.

but yeah on average women are too promiscuous for my liking. you want to just date some nice 25 year old gurl, but all of them are taken, or they’ve taken 9000000000000000000000000000000000000 cox. they’ve just been with too many men, and IMHO, this is NOT healthy for women. and dont tell me about wild oats, or a PHASE. women have much more to LOSE from secs, secs is much more RISKY and DANGEROUS and COSTLY for women than for men, therefore women should be more CAUTIOUS about it, like they were in the 80s or even 90s hahahaha.

no the cultural marxism that says its ok for women to be sluts was well in motion in the 70s, but IMHO average youngish women were still less slutty in the 70s and 80s than they eventually became in the 90s and 00s and 10s. i mean its just getting worse. you have 15 year old girls doing 4n4l gangbangs now and filming it all on their phones. it is just a race to the bottom of degeneracy, more degeneracy, more perversion, more cox, all at a younger and younger age. kind of like how even pornography is getting more perverted, and more and more perversion is getting Normalized. like how its ok for 15 year old girls to have 4n4l orgies with their classmates, as long as they use protection, as long as its consensual, as long as it feels good!

yeah i dont go in for this degenerate society hahahahaha and just find it hard to develop feels for women who have experienced too much of the degeneracy.

no innocent child sets out to willfully become a degenerate. they are just poisoned by schools, media, bad families, bad friends, and even the children who escape those unforunate things and go to college to become successful middle classfags, well they get a special dose of degenerate poison there.

hahahaha i am just butthurt because i got rejected by a fairly young, qt, gurl, who used to be my friend, but then i got feelings, but before i got feelings, i was worried she might have feelings for me, then i got feelings, then i really wished she DID have feelings, but by that time, she certainly didn’t, and it is eating me alive that she could have had feelings in the past, and i blew it, by not being interested at the right time.

anyway i cant write about her any more today, can’t think about her any more today.

it was affecting my job performance, i could not focus, i could not do my job, and it made things 90000000 times worse that me and the woman worked in the same place. it is very scary to lose all sense of control like that, that you cannot even go through the motions of your job because you constantly see someone you were in love with who rejected you and you were unable to have a mature conversation about it. i am the type of person who can literally never see the person again. i dont want to be friends. seeing someone who rejected me, in the past, caused me to go crazy. and this work environment was ridiculous. it was a really really hard job which required insane mental focus. it wasnt the type of thing where you COULD just go thru the motions, because new weird complex shit was happening all the time. and this thing just pushed me over the edge.

it wuld be different if i had a wife and kids; or if i were above entry level; or if the company ever promoted people (they dont); or if the job was tolerable; or if the woman didnt work there. but the way it worked out was a god damn perfect shitstorm.

my boy ajahn brahm, on ending relationships

meh even ajahn brahm does not give me comfort, although the tone of his voice is soothing. yeah he can find something to appreciate in the worst of murderers. hey i found plenty to appreciate in my “lover.” she was the one who could not find anything to appreciate in me!

the worst is when they USED to appreciate you, and now they dont. you USED to be cool enough for them, now they are totally unimpressed by you and think other people are way cooler. it is very devastating when somebody USED to like you, and you are still basically the same person, and they’ve gotten bored with you, or fallen out of like with you, stopped liking you. that is super duper painful. especially when you, over time, come to like them MORE. while they are gradually liking you LESS. damn. what do you say to that ajahn.

i dunno it was just completely one sided. i had all the feelings. i was the only one who wanted to ever do anything. i was the only one who wanted to talk about the weirdness that was going on. really she had checked out long ago. i was trying to fix something that was already broken and thrown in the trash. only way you can fix something is if the other person is WILLING to fix it. really it wasnt a question of things being broken, well apart from the idea that we just had completely different feelings for each other. i was just a friend that she wanted to to distance herself from; i was just a friend who wanted to get closer to her and become more than friends. i guess it was really over ten months ago as soon as my feelings changed.  i am just butthurt because we could not talk about it like adults. and i get my heart broke, she doesn’t, and gradually this once decent woman will become more degenerate, doing things i never thought she could do, transforming into a completely different person. yeah well i never sold out like that and i hope i never do.

but yeah one sidedness sucks real bad. when you are the only one who wants to try, and the other party could care less, they just want to bail and abandon you hahahhahaha. without even giving it a chance. but then you cant force someone to love you either. however i think you are entitled to want a mature conversation about it.

this is why i firmly believe that when women reject you, they should pay an emotional damages fee of liek $1000, just to prove that they are sorry about hurting you. pay the fee. the toll. show that you realize that actions have consequences. related to this, i think that when you get dumped, you are also entitled to Emotionally Vent to the other person, and tell them everything, and tell them exactly how hurt you are, and tell them everything on your mind, what you think about being dumped. now you’re not entitled to stalk them or coerce them or do any Harm; but this is the price of admission for dumping: you should be willing to hear the grievances of the person you are hurting.  when you hurt someone, that person is entitled to talk to you about how you have hurt them.  so you can attempt to deal with everything in a compassionate, kind, and fair way, so as to reduce harm, and promote acceptance, like ajahn brahm might say.

im just saying that getting thru this might have been easier if my PLEAS for communication were responded do. when you are abandoned like a bastard in a basket, that REALLY hurts. never really had THAT type of pain happen. and that is possibly why this heartbreak hurts worse than any of the others. that and its been a damn long time since a major heartbreak.