ALWAYS FEELING INCOMPETENT DOES NOT HELP YOU ALWAYS BE CONFIDENT

aug 6

another powerjog lol.

so freud said that work and love are like the foundations of life lol.

well i hate freud because he is a poisonous subverter. but i always liked this point of his. because if you have a good work life and a good love life, you are probably healthy and good; and if you have a bad work life and a bad love life, you are probably miserable; and the main things i ever really wanted was a good love life and a good work life, never really got them, and have been always pretty miserable.

well you arent HANDED these things on a SILVER PLATTER, you have to WORK for them of course. i guess i got TIRED of working for them. i didnt need INSTANT gratification, but i needed a TASTE of gratification throughout. didnt get enough tastes imho hahahaha. had a few tastes but not nearly enough to keep me going.

do i even realize how ridiculous and horrible i sound? yes, sort of. but i write it anyway.

kind of like i how i realized it was a Bad Time for the woman but I Pushed her anyway. actions speak much much louder than words. hahahaha i told her that too, and that i would stop bugging and pushing her, and those arent just empty words. and then what did i do in action. well i think i backed off for a little while when i told her that. but then a few months later the shit boiled over.

some days i blame her more; other days i blame me more.

well youhave good days and bad days.

the key is that you have more good days than bad days. when i was at my job i had way more bad days than good days. it was unsustainable.

i had some good days, where i was confident and could bullshit well. but those days seemed few and far between. and you really needed to bullshit well. some people are really good at bullshitting. i was okay at bullshitting sometimes. but i just wasnt ok at it often enough to make more days good than bad.

and the worse things got with the woman, the worse I got at my job. my last project didnt even involve phones. i did not do one phone call in the short time (2? 3? weeks) i was back. but i DREADED the inevitable moment i would have to take or make a phone call. also we had to do a really long complicated procedure where something weird can and did go wrong at every step, and we had to do like 3 or 4 or 5 of these procedures simultaneously. i could only really do 2 and that was pushing it. it sounds simple, prepping software and computers in remote locations around the country, but you would be surprised at how much weird shit still happened.

it is difficult to know how to react in these novel situations. honestly what we did was throw spaghetti at the wall and see what sticks. that was the total impression i got, and i shared this feeling with other level 1’s, and they agreed. the people who tried to apply rationality to it, like me, who obsessively tried to figure stuff out, and how stuff works, we got freustrated the most, because the Truth is indeed so hard to find, so elusive, and when you think you understand something, you find you were wrong the whole time, and therefore, you always feel incompetent, and feeling incompetent does NOT allow you to bullshit confidently to the end users on the phone. or to even help you just merely get through one workday at a time.

the woman was more laid back and less high strung than me. i liked that she was CHILL. I like a chill woman. A Chill woman would probably help Mellow My Mind a bit. I know that i do not want a high strung woman. and so many women are high strung. I wish I were more chill myself. I actually SEEM very chill on the outside, people have remarked how they like that I am so laid back and easygoing, but under the surface, its a completely different story. the tears of a clown. a mild mannered clown.

when we were Just Friends i was fairly confident and normie with her. slightly charming. but i didnt want to be too charming because i didnt want to lead her on; because i didnt have feelings for her then; because i was a LITTLE worried she might have feelings for me, but not worried enough that it ruined my life hahahah or even made me feel weird, but she was not giving as strong signals as i was, so therefore i wager that she did not really have feelings for me, but was just being friendly.

many men make the same mistake. its not a horrible mistake to make. arguably its just evolution. because men have to put their sperm ANYWHERE THEY POSSIBLY CAN, because they are the beggars and women are the choosers, so its arguable that if a woman is friendly to a man, the man overinterprets that as romantic interest, because he’s a beggar and he’s desperate for female consent to sex hahaha.

its possible work and love are not important, and that FAMILY and GOD are the most important.

its actually a religious calling to be A Single Unmarried Person. not a religious monk or a priest, but a lay person, unmarried, single, for life. basically a bachelor or a spinster. i always thought this was very sad. unless its your choice of course. but if its involuntary, well thats like involuntary celibacy or involuntary foreveralone.  hahahaha i should have discussed those topics with the woman while we were still on speaking terms. the plain truth is there was too much left unsaid. i could have talked more about what i wanted in a woman, talked more about my platonic feelings for her. but in a way i built a bit of a wall then just like she build a wall later. but i think her wall hurt me a lot more than my wall hurt her!!!!!!!

i had a wall up even as we were being friendly with each other and hanging out! it was less a wall per se than me trying to say “i dont like you that way.” yeah so i am guilty of mixed messages hahahaha. well let it be known that i never flip flopped!!!!!! once my feelings changed i started giving CONSISTENTLY different signals, over a period of time, to the extent that it got weird. because of me getting more and more emotional. no matter how busy her life, nobody could ignore or misunderstand those signals! so i think she did know what was going on. at least in broadest simplest terms: that i had feelings for her. and that was really all she needed to know. so we didnt need to have that big talk i was always pushing for. at least she didnt want to. i really wanted to, because i wanted to get everything out in the open and have an Actual Conversation, than just two people sending SIGNALS back and forth. fook signals.

i mean i guess the signals got the job done: i signalled i had feelings, she signaled nope not gonna do it. it just all went down in the worst possible way. shitstorm. shit hitting the fan. fomenting long term hatred. and that is exactly why i wanted to have a conversation, to avoid all that, have none of that shit happen. to not look back in anger hahahaha and say well maybe we could not be lovers but at least we handled that situation like respectful adults.

carly fiorina stands with bibi hahahahaha. i do not trust these zionists.

but if you want to learn how to bullshit well, watch these politicians! even the worst bullshitter there, i mean an unsmooth bad talker like lindsey graham, could bullshit well enough to get a 20DAHJ (Dollar An Hour Job) that calls for “excellent communication skills” in the qualifications. KSR’s. KSA’s. who gives a fook.

the way they respond to tough questions, the way the communicate, the way they try to PERSUADE people. i could never do that. i could never persuade jobs to take me, or women to take me hahahahahaha.

i think my confidence, although never high, began falling around fall 2014, when i started having feelings for the woman. prior to that was a Relative Peak of confidence! but then it steadily starting falling the more resistance i got from her. falling fallin falling and then it recently hit rock bottom and its gonna stay there for a while.

i wish i could pinpoint the confidence better. it is literally the most important thing. fook happiness. you can with unhappiness, with disappointment, deal with LIFE when you have confidence. so yeah maybe the confidence was at a peak from about july 2014 to…..sept 2014? those were pretty good times. i still did stupid phone calls but i handled them, and was getting along with the woman well, was not quite in love with her yet.

but now i have absolutely no confidence, it sucks. and yeah i think it went down in direct response to the tension that was growing and growing between the woman and myself. this tension, uncertainty, and not wanting to believe the negative signals slowly chipped away at the confidence. and the phone calls got more and more ridiculous too. and the situation between me and her got more ridiculous. then it blew up, and blew away all my confidence for everything. women, work, life, everything. not good.

REJECTIONS, WITH NO CLOSURE, FROM GOOD PEOPLE: THE WORST KIND OF REJECTION

aug 6

shit. this week i am just jogging and writing.

we put too high a premium on reason and rationality and science and intelligence.

that IS kinda blasphemous to say, because this is the very thing that separates us from the filthy animals. it makes us human.

well, i would argue that Morality makes us human as well. now is morality both emotional and intellectual, or just intellectual only?

anyway. dont want to get off on tangent.

sex is different for men and women because women have a uterus and can get pregnant.

sex can NEVER be separated from reproduction no matter how much contraception we try. that is WHY we want sex and heterosexual companionship so much, it is the driving force behind human reproduction. the reproduction of our species. makin babbys. its all so beautifully connected, and you cant tear it apart no matter how hard you try.

thats why men want pvssy so much. because the pvssy is really just the gateway to the uterus.

now this doesnt mean that men want to have 900000000 children and take care of them. but they maybe want to have 3 children and take care of them! Or have 3 children and abandon them like a deadbeat. it depends on the situation.

situational awareness. talk about that in your next interview. be like, i can read situations, and read people.  also im married with children, i can handle anything people can throw at me. i can give as good as i can get.

yeah still desperate. still want to email the female. more accurately, i want HER to email me, respond to ME, like i told her so desperately, please respond. its really for the sense of closure than anything else. closure is a gay word, how about Finality. Definitiveness. Decisiveness. Clearness. Unambiguity. Certainty. this will help you Accept the reality that this door is closed and you must find another door. the end of one chapter, the beginning of another. tying up the loose ends. not leaving any unfinished business. equalizing the scales. getting the balance sheet to zero. good karma. whatever you want to call it. i did not get it hahahahaha.

rejections with closure, vs rejections with no closure. rejections with closure are usually the better rejections. easier to handle.

rejections from shitty people with no closure, vs rejections from good people with no closure. she is a good person not a shitty person, but she gave me no closure, and i cant even blame it on her being a shitty person. just a good person doing a kinda shitty thing to me, because i freaked and weirded her out. anyway a no closure rejection form a good person is IMHO the worst kind of rejection. because you feel just left hanging and abandoned, and you can’t blame it on them being a horrible person.

rumination ruination hahahaha.

maybe a woman chooses horrible men, but she is genuinely in love with those men and wants…… i dunno. my point is, women who say its just sex. my response is, women can never say its just sex because sex is different for men and women, because for women they can get pregnant. the consequences are much more severe. this ive repeated 900000000 times and its worth repeating every time.

so if a woman acts like that, that might indeed be a reliable sign that she would be a horrible mother, because she doesn’t respect, understand, or appreciate the power of her own body to make babies, and would probably not think twice about Aborting her Babbys.

Now i think Abortion is not a FUN experience for any woman. And certainly most women have had at least One Abortion, right? i dunno i think i looked that up once hahahaha. no i think theres plenty of women who have never had even one. That would be my ideal woman hahahaha.

but i think the more important thing is, did they have one abortion, say i never want to go through that again, OR, do they get like 10 abortions a year? if they do that latter business, that would be a sign to me they would not be a good mother. because they kill 10 of their children a year hahahahahaha. but its not a child its not even a baby its not even a fetus, its an undeveloped embryo AT BEST hahahaha.

i need to watch more debates between anti-abortion men and pro-abortion women obviously hahahaha.

dont tell me what i can and cant do with my body! my body my choice! dont legislate and criminalize my body!

and then of course like half of abortions are done on women who already have children, they just dont want any MORE at that time. doesnt mean they would necessarily be a horrible mother to their existing child. damn.

well i guess what i’m saying is that one thing i liked about the woman was that she did not like sluts or slutty behavior and seemed a bit of a prude. i always liked this quality in women. what it tells me is that this woman appreciates her own power to get pregnant, and will not go out having sex willy nilly like a slut, and will only have sex within a committed, monogamous, long term relationship, and not with a lot of men, and……. i agree completely with all that! and it all comes back to the power to get pregnant, and really the woman’s acceptance, understanding, and appreciation of this FACT. many women do not appreciate this fact because they say oh wel contraception and abortion exist, i dont have to get pregnant if i dont want to, and if i do, i can always “TAKE CARE” of it.

This is missing the point entirely IMHO. Contraception and abortion are related, but not really relevant to my point: women can get pregnant, men can’t. sperm is cheap, eggs are expensive. eggs are literally BILLIONS of times more expensive than sperm. a man just dumps a load then runs off in the night. the woman gets 9 months of pregnancy and a baby to take care of the rest of her life. how can you not, as a woman especially, understand this? because everyone tells you if it feels good do it, and sex is empowering and always good as long as its consensual and safe. those are the only two things that matter about sex for women.  this is all part of the cultural revolution since the 60s and shit. cultural marxism, feminism, it has trickled down over the decades, and it’s had very real and devastating effects on the minds of youth, who have themselves become adults and had children of their own.

so yeah i guess i would dump a casual load in a woman if she were willing because im a man and i can get away with it. especially if i were horny and there were a willing attractive woman, not that i’ve ever experienced much of that! but hypothetically. all abotu the hypotheticals.

i thought we were closer! i deserve to be treated liek a human being even if i did scare her with my weirdness! waah waaah! my weirdness wasnt weird, it was just True Love that was building up tension!

i mean it really was. i was ready to full blown mongamously long term date this woman! and that is not an every day occurrance!  i had deep feels for her, wanted to Span Time with her, wanted to go on a Weekend Getaway with her.

thats one thing i have a particular yearning for, to go on a mini vacation with a Beloved Woman for a few days, nothing fancy, just like get a cottage near the beach for a few days in the summer, or Road Trip, or something like that. then have mad secs in hotel rooms or cottages or sleeping bags every night.

never got to experience that, was really hoping this woman would be the first hahaha.

so men dont get to have an opinion on abortion because men cant get pregnant. but i didnt think women could get pregnant either, because they dont have to get pregnant if they dont want to hahahahahaha. anyway my fear is that one day i get a woman pregnant and then she has an abortion, i would feel horrible about that, would lose sleep at night, might not even be able to do my job, quit my job, etc. become severely guilt ridden and derpressed, not be able to handle life, etc.

especially if i agreed to that Difficult Decision because I knew i could not take care of a child right now! i guess it would be a lot easier if i were like hurrr durrrr i cant make this decision, then the woman goes and does it, then i would “be able to” blame it on her, like you killed my child you MURDERESS!!!!!! Evil Murderess!!!!! Even though I could probably be pressured into murdering my own child anyway!

so yeah this insane Moral Choice of Abortion makes me want to stay away from women altogether. the only force that can overcome this? you guessed it, true luv. with that woman i would gladly have secs with her every day and risk this moral dilemma.

would it be easier if you didnt Luv the woman but were having Just Secs? and of course its always gonna be a harder decision for the woman than for the man.

and what about people who were not raised in christian or religious homes? because i only have these moral views because ever since i was a prepubescent i was taught that abortion is murder hahahaha.

but a decent number of atheists and nonreligious believe that abortion is murder too.

was supposed to go back out Jogging 27 minutes ago hahaha. yet i sit here writing about uteruses and pregnancy and abortion even though i’ve only had secs like 2 times 10 years ago hahahaha.

GOD must have a reason he is making me carry this cross!

and i have a huge safety net too! I wouldnt be able to do what im doing if i didnt have a safety net! i sometimes wish i didnt HAVE that safety net, that that might have helped me TOUGHEN UP. and become a Tuff Get Going kinda person. resilient, able to deal with life, independent, strong, more confident, etc.

but theres also the chance that the safety net saved my LIFE and without it, i would have ended up on the STREETS and probably K’d myself! hehehehe thats a comforting thought.

uhhhh i would advise joining a support group for derpression or anxiety if you can.

plenty of people are angry and stressed but plenty of people are NOT, too. like at my job, there were a number of people who were often in good moods, did not hate their lives and jobs, one woman was always bubbly and she’s like I LIKE this job, I want to KEEP this job, I LIKE talking to people and helping them. She was in my top tier of people and I tried to get and give moral support to her, and also try to learn from her, and make my attitude more like hers. I will always remember her. i mean she was like 45 years old and married and i was not attracted to her in the least hahaha and she had kids. but she had the best work ethic and the best attitude ever, and i was a bit envious of that. a very strong person. much stronger than i.

JUST BECAUSE A WOMAN WOULD MAKE A HORRIBLE WIFE DOESNT MEAN SHE WOULD MAKE A HORRIBLE MOTHER

oh yeah that was another important point i have not made yet.

i had a dream maybe a week ago with the woman where we were back at work, and i was sitting there and could not do my job because she was sitting 20 feet behind me. i was avoiding my work (type of place where you cannot get away with this) and obviously never should have come back. i started writing angry things to female. one of her new male friends played white knight and came up to me and said hey man, why can’t you get it through your head, she doesnt like you, she doesn’t want you, just leave her alone, or you and me are gonna have problems. i think at this point i started screamingly hysterically in the office and was ready to fight this guy right in front of everyone. even though i wasn’t mad at HIM, i was mad at HER.

what i also realized at that point is, and this was a good lesson for waking life, is:

JUST BECAUSE A WOMAN WOULD MAKE A TERRIBLE WIFE, DOESN’T MEAN SHE WOULD MAKE A TERRIBLE MOTHER.

I’m still not sure how this was entirely related to the dream, but that epiphany struck me. its really not comforting or not discouraging hahahaha.

basically it means that women can fook badboys and terrible deadbeats who abandon their children, and still be a Good Loving Single Mother to those children. it doesn’t matter that the relationship with the child’s father is fooking godawful and nonexistent, it doesn’t matter that the child is half of that man. all that really matters is that its the mothers child, period, the man doesn’t really matter at all.

of course Not All Single Mothers are Great Loving Mothers. But some really are. and even though they had the worst relationship ever with the father, they have a wonderful, good relationship with the child of that brief horrible union.

what that means for the omega males like us always getting dumped is, and this is not encouraging: you fall in love with a woman because you think she would make a great wife to you, and a great mother to your children. you think of it as kind of a package deal. then everything goes wrong. you realize she would be a HORRIBLE wife to you. to ease your pain you try to say that she would then be a terrible mother to any children you would have had. but that’s just not true. she could be a terrible wife to you, but a good mother to whatever children. shit she could be a GREAT wife AND mother of children to a different man.

like i said, this was not a comforting epiphany. because when things go wrong, you really want to blame it on them for being a horrible person. but they are not necessarily a horrible person. i mean sometimes they are, and sometimes they’re not. it’s almost EASIER when they ARE. and this woman was not a horrible person. she would make a good wife and mother. and so therefore it is HARDER, because i can’t really blame her too much, she’s not a horrible person, it jsut didn’t work out between me and her, it wasn’t meant to be, and now i have to move on, and thats going to be fooking HARD. a lot harder for me than for her. shit she’s over me RIGHT NOW as we speak, as I write 9000000 posts about HER.

i guess another way of writing that axiom above would be: JUST BECAUSE SHE IS A HORRIBLE PERSON FOR YOU, DOESN’T MEAN SHE’S A HORRIBLE PERSON FOR EVERYONE ELSE. She could very well be the Dream Wife and Mother of Children for another, more alpha, better, more successful, charismatic, masculine man hahahahahaha.

well thats a related maxim but not the same. i guess a more accurate: just because she’s a horrible match for you, doesn’t mean she’s a horrible PERSON. or just because she has CHILDREN with HORRIBLE men and makes HORRIBLE choices on who she has children with, does not make her a horrible person, and does not mean she will be a bad mother to those children.

found a job opening for a 17DAH part time job. have to fill out an extremely detailed application including 15 years of past work history, and tons of details for every job; AND submit resume AND cover letter with it. i understand this is their weeding out process to limit applications. but it seems a little insane that it should take 8 hours just to apply for a damn part time job. but its a 17DAH part time job!!!! and that is a bretty good hourly wage mang!

however i do not get my hopes up when you have to list “REASON FOR LEAVING.” hahahaha. because i am a weakling who cant handle stress on the job and reaches boiling point and breaking point and meltdown and flips out and ragequits. more like anxietyquits. or cant handle seeing woman who “dumped” you on the job. still bad. still not employable.

so when you do an application like that which takes 8 hours to painstakingly fill out, SAVE IT on your computer/cloud so you can come back to it and copypaste from it later.

although i have so many partial files like that, i can never find the information i’m looking for. tons of partial files, no complete single file. very disorganized with my 1000000s of job search related files hahahaha.

because i deactivated facebook i often forget that she BLOCKED me on facebook. that sends a pretty strong signal. not just unfriending, but unfriending AND BLOCKING. This is the first time in my life i’ve ever been BLOCKED by somebody. that sends a clear message of LEAVE ME ALONE, although it says nothing of the deeper thoughts behind that decision, and unfortunately you will never have the permissions/access to be privy to those thoughts and feelings. it is totally out of your hands and there is NOTHING you can do.

ALWAYS THE DUMPED, NEVER THE DUMPER hahahaha.

Yeah I have never been the Dumper, I have always been the one getting dumped. always. without exception. It is hard to handle getting dumped. I bet I would be a pretty good dumper, i would try to make it as painless as possible for the person i was dumping, even if they weirded me out hahahahahaha. because i would understand why they were being weird. all too well. i have been weird like that myself. i know that feel. empathy.

i was also angry at how at work i needed a lot of moral support and the woman did not. i reached out to her for moral support and she was not willing to give. if she needed moral support, she got it from other people. she got help from other people who were happy to help the nice pretty gurl. it took me a long time before i found some decent people who could help me and morally support me. and i was upset that my former friend was no longer willing to give that support. cuz when we both started at the same time, we were on much better terms, and she was much more willing to give me that support. and of course that declined. its tough to have something, then see it slip away, its worse than if you NEVER HAD ANYTHING.

better to have loved and lost than never loved at all? i dont know hahahahaha. possibly NOT hahaha.

and maybe she eventually got used to the job and didn’t need the Crutch of Moral Support. at least not from me any more! And I LIKED giving moral support! I tried to give moral support to a lot of people, becuase i realized how tough our job was, and how good our people are, and how little thanks and support they get for their insanely hard complicated stressful work! so I would go out of my way to thank people and support people and say good job i appreciate you, i am here to help you as best as i can, even though i dont really know what im doing either. this is a tough job and i like it when we support each other.

so after a while she either got used to the job and needed less moral support, and also when she needed support, she just turns to other people, anybody but me. i think its a combination of both.

but the job never really got easier for me, so i was jealous of her cool head. the man being more emotional than the woman, thats fookin great. bodes well for me!

also that made it more difficult for me to understand shit EVEN WHEN SOMEONE WAS TRYING TO EXPLAIN IT TO ME.

I’m not an idiot, so it’s very frustrating to be so anxious and tightly wound, that you can’t understand what somebody is saying to you right now, you can’t listen and comprehend and learn, because of your damn emotions.

heheheh time to start a new post.

DESPERATION MAKES YOU DO WEIRD THINGS / EVERYTHING IS DISCOURAGING

aug 6

semi new point. the reason the woman was so cold to me, so offended and angry and hurt by me, was that i was Making Her Feel Weird, Weirding Her Out, by Being a Weird Creeper. that is a reasonable explanation. and I know you cannot apply logic to this situation, but this explanation kinda works, because I probably was doing that to her. Because True Love makes you do crazy weird things. this is exaclty how and why people get jealous and become stalkers etc. EVERYBODY does it. its what you DO about it that counts.

well quitting the job is pretty psycho but stalking and doing bad things to her would be 1000000000000 times more psycho, so.

so when women get Weirded Out by Creeper Guys, they quite understandably shut down, run away, try to ignore you completely.

quite understandably, a lot of the weird guys are further pushed by this, to get ever wierder. double down if you will. keep pushing forward. exactly what i did.

i was just hoping and thinking that our past rather long history of closeness and niceness would help her see me more than some Random Weirdo She Just Met, a Stranger if you will. because i wasnt’ a stranger. she knew me well enough to know that I am not a Bad Weird Guy.

But thats the rub, is everybody can reach the edge, where they do weird things: because of stress, anxiety, or Luv. and boy did i!

i didn’t think i was being too weird. i wasn’t all like I LOVE YOU or whatever. yeah i was pushy about wanting to hang out and talk, and i made new kinds of statements like “you are very important to me” and “you mean a lot to me” and “i care about you a lot” and “i hope we can become closer in 2015” and “i appreciate you more and more” and “your my favorite person hahaha lol” and “i will stop bugging you to hang out if you can promise me we’ll hang out next month, i know this is a bad time for you, but i honestly miss you a lot” so yeah i was giving some major hints, and also being pushy, desperate, and weird. but i think i could have been a LOT weirder. also it sucks when somebody blows you off for months and months, when you used to hang out in the past. so that you end up saying desperate things like “i hate bugging you so much but please try to promise me we’ll hang out next month and then i wont bug you at all this month.”  of course what is the person supposed to say to that? but it sucks that you are so desperate that you have to say it in the first place.

desperation makes you do weird things.

so when you are desperately begging to hang out next month please, then it’s time to write your tell all email or voice mail or blurt it out. by that time you probably a have a Raft of Drafts of things you want to tell her. so just fooking tell her already, rip the bandaid off, get it over with already.

thats one good thing, is the sense that ITS OVER. ITS DONE. that chapter is closed, a new lonely miserable jobless loveless chapter has begun. but at least you no longer have that false hope to cling to. you have nothing. except the things that REALLY matter, like your family.

so yeah that is the likely reason she was SO COLD and heartless to me, when she was never a heartless person before. its just because i was THAT weird. I didn’t think i was THAT weird, but she did, and thats all that matters, and i guess she is entitled to her feelings hahahaha.

but thats also why i wanted to talk and communicate so much, so that i could explain why, given my situation, these things werent all that weird. it was just growing tension of an unresolved situation. that finally boiled over quite dramatically.

it is discouraging though to think you could meet the Perfect Person, and maybe they COULD have feelings for you someday…..but just not right now, because the TIMING is wrong. you are ready to go right now, they are not, it might take them 3 months, 6 months, a year, or never. what do you do in those situations?

because in the past, she was so super nice to me that i thought she might like me. but i will never know if she actually did! i should have asked her directly at that time. well i did ask about it in my please respond email hahahaha that she will never respond to, because i am too weird, and the email was weird too.  i dunno i dont think the email was too weird given the situation. i just wanted to put it all out there and be like here’s the full truth. really went all in there. and was that a smart move, to go all in, rather than half in? who knows. maybe i can go half in later hahahahaha no i should really just stay away from her. which is why my gut feeling is NOT to go back to the job. job was making me sick and she would make me even sicker.

but yeah i am bit resentful that she could not look deep enough, remember our years of getting along nicely, and see that I was the same decent human being, but that i was just going through some stuff, and that was making me a little bit weird, so lets please talk about this, get it out in the open, so it doesnt boil over and destroy everything. which of course is exactly what happened.  i just think talking about it before it got out of control would have been better karma, more mature, more healthy, would have kept things from getting this bad for me at least. for her its all the same, she doesnt care one way or the other, i am dead to her and she never thinks about me, like i still think about her all the damn time weeks later. foooooooook me. GOD have mercy on my soul.

i mean i think the obsession will wane in time, but it will take a long time, AND i truly have to stay away from her, like no more emails, which I am suprrisingly confident i can do, believe it or not!

but that has to be all or nothing. i cant like email her 3 months for now and put in a small bet, hay hows it going, sorry about all the drama, want to try to be friends again, maybe hang out and catch up. because the feelings will really never go away. they never do. i mean i could go back 10 years and possibly start again white wedding with some of those women.

however it would be different obviously if she took the initiative and came crawling back to me lol. in that case i would respond to her. it would really depend on her tone and position. i migh meet up with her once and be like yeah i developed feelings and even though the drama is simmered down now, i will always have some feelings for you, so being just friends and watching you date and have casual sex with other guys is just not gonna be possible, so keep that in mind, so do you think there is any chance with you and me, if so, lets give it a shot, lifes too short lol. if not, well lets wish each other well, if you want to try dating in a year then contact me, or ever really, i’ll probably be willing to start again for the next oh 5 to 10 years. just dont call if you have any bastard kids with badboys, or after you’ve taken more than 10 additional cox from now, taken a good hard ride on the coq carousel.

sissy ass white knights say the coq carousel is a misogynistic myth, and i dont like to be a woman hater, but i can verify it is NOT a myth, god have mercy on us. i wish it WERE a myth. it is insanely heartbreaking when a once good gurl decided to take a spin on it. they are changed permanently. ruined. it is SO sad to see that happen to a good woman. i honestly cant handle that pain.

ok called my dr as instructed. worried about making the phone call for 20 minutes. that was amazing. with all this crazy shit going on i was worried about making a PHONE CALL. and my horrible JOB was i used to be on the PHONE ALL DAY.

its like you never make real progress. you can be on the phone 40 hours a week yet STILL get nervous about making a damn phone call. its like you’ve gone nowhere, made no progress, have not improved or developed at all over the years, even with lots of phone experience. that is very discouraging. everything is very discouraging. life is discouraging hahahahaha.

it is amazing that you can be touching your loved one and you get such a good feeling out of it…..and they feel nothing, or revulsion. i say this because of one time i was sitting next to my beloved woman on the ground “indian-legged” style and my leg was touching her leg for like a full 10 seconds, which was kind of my intent hahahaha, and i was like oh it feels so good to be touching her even just a little bit, and later realized that she was probably “this is awful, i cant wait until he stops touching me.”

and if its that bad with just your damn knees touching, imagine how bad it is when you get more physical. your dick up in the gurl and you think oh god this is the best experience ever, i will never forget this, i am in total luv with this gurl and i want to get married and make babies with her and be married to her for 70 years, and she is thinking oh god this is HORRIBLE, we are never having secs again, he is gross, he is so awkward, this is the worst thing ever, never again, he has no idea how to do this, i want a real man not an omega male, a man who KNOWS how to fook and please a woman, etc etc etc.

so yeah just a complete disconnection, no connection whatsoever, between two people who appear to be physically close. that is also very discouraging and a bit horrifying. like the cok carousel is horrifying. cuz though the cok carousel kills womens ability to connect long term and luv a man, there is no doubt that for those several minutes of being fooked by alphas, they feel something deep, they enjoy it, that is the closest they will get to True Luv. is 10 minutes being fooked by an alpha. i mean sure that is very sad that they willhave trouble developing long term love and probably be terrible wives and mothers.

 

ON TILT

aug 5 2015

ok got muh 5.6 miles in. that is nice. got to do that every day.

it is weird to fall deeper in luv with someone youve never even made out with, than the average married people luv their spouses.

well my shrink advised me that true love, vs infatuation, takes 12 to 18 months to fully bloom. i can believe that.

well i was friends with the gurl for 2 years and THEN i fell in luv with her hahahaha. so what does that count as. well it certainly feels like luv. i am certainly adding her to the list of bigass heartbreaks! so i dont really care what it is, it is the most powerful feeling in the world! and if that is infatuation, then i dont think i could handle true love! infatuation is more than strong enough!

now, can you have luv WITHOUT infatuation first?

great question!  i would bet the answer is “IT DEPENDS.”

sometimes yes, sometimes no.

with female exfriend, there was no love or infatuation, just a respect and liking and appreciation, then BOOM something happened two years in. that was either infatuation or love. the feels were upgraded and converted.

i just cant believe how wrong everything went. but that was all on me quitting the job. i could have not quit the job and sucked it up like every other normalfag who gets dumped by their coworkers does.

but i was subconsciously looking for a “good excuse” to leave the job, because the job was deadend and sucked so bad.

hahaha i have never been well adjusted or stable or confident enough to hold onto a woman or hold onto a job. good thing i am seeing a shrink and taking meds! i might not be batshit crazy per se but i am severely damaged goods, almost as good hahahahaha.

anyway i am just a little butthurt because i believe i deserved just a LITTLE bit better treatment. jeez the anger and coldness with which she treated me, youd think i rejected HER and broke HER heart!

come on! you cant break MY heart AND be freezing cold to me! one or the other!

of course i am repeating myself. that is always a sign your writing is taking a bad turn.

but yeah in cards terms, i was and am basically ON TILT. when you are on tilt you cannot keep cool, keep calm, think straight, carry on. you act purely out of emotion, fear, and anger, like a cornered animal. yep thats about right. i know that feel man.

but yeah true love is crazy by definition. on tilt.  makes you do crazy stuff like quit your job and fall into the worst derpression of your life. you can understand how it makes other bad people do violent things. thankfully i have enough morality to know that violence is immoral. i was going to say “self control” but that would imply that k’ing the people who reject you is ok, but you just restrain yourself because you dont want to go to jail. hehehehe. no, you also wouldnt want the guilty conscience of k’ing a damn human being weighing on you the rest of your godforsaken life!

anyway. you dont generally HATE somebody because they have feelings for you. usually you get PITY and the gurl says, and i quote: “Awww!? (girly upward inflection) Im sorry I think you’re a really nice guy, but I just dont feel the same way about you. aww. i’m so sorry! lets just be friends!”

because they do that 9000000 times a day, the are experts in it, fully competent hahaha.

they dont turn into Evil Ice Queen giving you angry coldness.

…..unless they are secretly in love with you too, great now i can be In Denial for years and Scheming about how I am going to get her back. jesus christ this is too much. i should go for another 1.4 miler hahahaha clearly.

the writing is going bad again!

it does that REALLY easily. EVERY damn time. be warned. writer beware.

well i am distracting myself with cards, tv, and family as well.

how about you distract yourself with finding a job hahahahahahahahaha.

see i can go through the motions of humor. not good humor. subpar humor that wont make you friends, make you likeable, sure as hell wont win you semi attractive women.

i have to specify attractive women. the female exfriend who dumped me was not ugly at all, i was very attracted to her and would have had fun doing physical things with her all night. 1000 times.

i dont mean to discriminate against unattractive people. i’m simply saying that you need to find someone attractive in order to be physically attracted to them. or, you will not have any fun making out or cuddling or having secs with someone you do not find attractive. you will be repulsed by these physical actvities with an unattractive person.

i mean i am not super attractive myself but i am not horribly ugly. i have pull attractive women in the past. very briefly. maybe thats what SPOILED me! because i was young and looked better then. i mean i am still not UGLY though. and if i keep up this ridiculous jogging i might lose weight which would make me more attractive.

aug 6

slept a little better than i have been but still not feeling good. had dream featuring the woman. she was at least being nice to me and hanging out with me and i was looking into her pretty eyes damn. then i realized i would never see her again. she never wants to see me, i suppose i would like to see her again, but only if she wants to date me hahahaha. well what if she wanted to hang out with me and have a no strings attached casual secs rel. well then absolutely 100% i couldnt turn that down, but it would also hurt me even more, for sure.

women are either married or happy in their rel, OR in the process of ending something, OR in the process of starting something. I dont know how women either get over the men they truly loved, OR how they develop true love for new men. when you are ALWAYS with someone, even if you are Just Having Secs with them, I dont know how you develop true feelings for anyone, or ever get over the old relationships that did mean something. you really have to be alone, no secs partners, no dating, for like a year at least. and this is absolutely UNHEARD OF for women. but it is pretty common for men. just another way men and women are SO DIFFERENT, and why relationships are like WAR. it is amazing i have ever even had female friends. well it wasnt really THAT difficult when i didnt have FEELINGS for them! the FEELINGS always screw everything up!

might be moving towards acceptance about The End Of The Woman here, and now starting to worry about The Job situation more.

and generally feeling like a messed up person who cannot cope with the demands of Adult Life. this is nothing new, it is has plagued me for many years, kinda was able to ignore it while I was being killed by my job all day, but even then i was still not being a responsible adult with my own independent life, even though i was working full time, but the full time job was taking everything i had so all i did was work and try to rest to survive through the next day of work, then sleep/rest/do nothing on days off. it really was not a good job, which is why my gut feeling is not to go back. let alone the harrowing devastation of the woman will still be there. it would be better if she were gone, possibly tolerable enough for me to make it through another “season”.

hehehe i should have just joined the military when i was 18, that would have fixed me hahaha.

i always thought “depression” was my main problem, but I am starting to see how “anxiety” is also a much bigger problem than I thought it was. thinking it would be Generalized Anxiety Disorder hahahaha. you are just anxious about everything. albeit some things even more. like jobs and women and being a failure who cant cope with life, cant handle life.

see the writing is going down the bad path right now. you can tell, its not hard to tell!

5.6 miles yesterday, how could that not be enough. shit. better go back out there soon.

but yeah as the immediate anxiety and grief about the woman starts to subside (not as much as you would think!) that related to the job starts to increase. maybe it will get to worry about both at once, just flip flop back and forth from one obsessive worry to the other. that would be great. shit i can see that happening.

this is why i beg prayers to GOD for any sort of relief. see how these trials have increased my faith: realizing i am powerless, and then begging for mercy from a supernatural power that defies all reason and when you think about it sounds absolutely stupid and ridiculous hahahaha. that is how desperate you get. i am not sure this is true faith. i dont feel faithful. i am still no more certain that god exists. not sure these experiences have brought me closer to GOD in other words. they have however made me more desperate to beg to GOD for any kind of help however. well some say the desire to know GOD is enough, even if you dont feel like you are getting anywhere.

but yeah feeling like you cant handle life, cant handle jobs, cant handle relationships, does give you a real inferiority complex compared to the normalfags who do their jobs, live independently, get gurlfrans and wives and have secs and have chirren, make money, pay the bills, buy houses and cars, do all that normie shit.

UNLIKE WRITING, WALKING CAN NEVER GO BAD

aug 5

well cant stop writing. when i get back on facebook i will pick up my “blog” there for my real life friends, but…. gonna be a few months before i can do that.

only thing i can compare this pain and loss to is somebody DYING. and in a way, someone has. True Love Has Died. The person has Died to you, as someone you can or should Love. you have to let them go as a Love Person (i think the term “love object” has negative connotations.)

when we used to be just mutual platonic friends, that was valuable and comforting to me to know that i could even HAVE a female friend. i suppose in a way it was A Stepping Stone towards True Intimacy. but she would confide in me and tell me her fears and secrets. i suppose i should have reciprocated a bit more. but at that time, i was worried that she might be developing feelings for me, which I feared, because I didn’t have feelings for her. oh how the tables would turn!

but even if she DID have feeligns for me, and i didn’t reciprocate, I was still 9000000000000000 times more humane and warm and open to communicate with her, than she was, when i had feelings for her that she didn’t want!

so what did i learn. blurt it out early, as soon as it starts becoming a problem. it probably started becoming a problem after 3 to 4 months, and i was writing all sorts of draft texts, and draft emails i would never sent, and was just building up with drafts of things i wanted to say to her, but “couldn’t”.

bullshit. just write them in an email and send it at 4 months, get it out of your fookin system, and maybe you can keep your job, not go crazy, not hit rock bottom, and end things with your woman in a merely moderately painful way rather than a completely devastating end of the world way. have the pain only be a 6 or 7 instead of an 11.  and that muh frands is WORTH IT.

also if you notice there are certain topics you dance around with your female friend, stop fooking dancing around them. if you think she has a secret boifran and you’re wondering why she’s not telling you, ask her straight fooking UP do you have a boifran, whats going on there. oh things arent going well? well i would treat you much better JUST SAYIN. think about it. you could do a lot worse.

got love to burn, gotta take a chance, gotta let your guard down, gotta take a chance……ON LUV.

duh fook yeah thats a neil song.

anyway i took a chance, i went all in, and oh well i lost it all. i dont think you can do anything less when its true luv.

so maybe it wasn’t, and i wanted to prove to myself it was true luv, when it was just passing infatuation?

but i saw the luv as building on, and growing from, the roots of the 2 year platonic friendship that preceded it.

i was hoping for a call regarding my old loser job today, in response to the email i wrote the manager yesterday, but nothing. i didn’t want to BEG, however it would be good to get that job back because it was EASY, it’s SOME money, and it would fix this RESUME GAP, and make it easier to find proper gainful employment in the future.

well i stalked the young man who impressed me with his political talk the othe rnight. learned he is 26 years old, and when he was a mere 19 he ran for damn county commissioner (Repub). and did his degree in finance and is listed under “investment management” on linkedin hehehe. uhhhh thats not a bad job. of course you have to go to a TOP SKOOL to work on WALL STREET and he clearly doesnt work on WALL STREET. i am not sure where exactly he works. he might not even work hahahaha just a bum like me. but he is much more motivated and energetic and clear headed and he can really communicate well. and i bet HE would have no problem getting women interested in him. he is tall, skinny, and fairly handsome. my female former friend would have gotten with HIM im sure hahahaha.

so yeah he would CUCK the shit out of me and be the total alpha to my total omega hahahaha.

but he is a good guy.

but it does take a special kind to want to run for county commissioner at age 19. when i was 19 i didnt even know what a county commissioner WAS. That didnt come until i was 23 or 24 hahaha and i certainly had no desire to RUN. I am thinking he probably comes from a very politically involved family. possibly his father guided him down this road, possibly his father is involved in the Community, be it a business owner, or attorney, or elected official, commissioner, some sort of pillar of the community type. and perhaps the son picked this up at a nice young age.

anyway he’s a good guy and i could learn something from him and need to get a good newspaper or website recommendation from him. i mean national review is pure zionist cuckery right? total big tent sell out bullshit eh?

anyway he is a good enough communicator to get some pvssy.

its not that i am a BAD COMMUNICATOR. I can actually be a pretty GOOD communicator. like when i was talking on the phone all day.  and i think i was a good communicator at least 65% of the time with my female friend.  ex friend. there were just a few important topics i danced around. so uhhhhh looks like that 35% of stuff took up 99% of the importance eh? damn.

see when you are in a funk, everything you say can and will be used against you! you can literally do, say, or think NO GOOD!

so i am tacking on more jogging, doing about 42% of it jogging now. perhaps even 47%. again i do not want to go over 50%, i think 40% is ideal. but i have been alternating between doing that, and writing. trying not to write myself deeper into the funk, but write myself UP FROM it a little bit. writing alone will not save me of course, and certainly exercising will be disproportionately important i think. more important than writing i think. so, more jogging, less writing.

anyway i guess it would help to have other female friends, just to prove to myself that i am not so fookin weird and repulsive to all women that i can indeed HAVE female friends.

so how much do you need to walk/jog per day to overcome these horrible dreadful thoughts and feelings? of which there are certainly a LOT?

well hell at least 5 miles a day! i am going for 5.6 today. ok going to do that. god damn. really the jogging is one of the best things i can do. its one of the ONLY things i can do.

heh it sucks about the job. if i didnt work with her, i could perhaps “throw myself into my work.” but i certainly could not do that when i was working WITH HER!!!!!!!! foooooooooooook!!!!!!!!!

i mean the job sucked anyway, i wanted to leave the god damn FIELD altogether. you either take phone calls on complicated weird confusing shit, all day, and have to be comfortable with the fact that you never really know what youre doing. i could NEVER get comfortable with that. i needed to have more control than that. rather than the sense of no control, no power, no competence. it bugged me. and it bugged me MORE when i would see and hear her, yet i couldnt even fookin TALK to her because she would ignore me completely. i do not know how people do this. and manage to still do their jobs. i could not do my fookin job for gods sake. could not cope with a little difficulty in life. when the going gets tough, the weak roll over and die hahahahaha.

ok jogging time. see you can tell when the writing starts to get bad. you can just tell. and so then you go out and do the 40% jog. unlike writing, this can NEVER go bad.

CANT EVEN ENJOY MUSIC / DEPRESSION CAMPS / DEPRESSION BUDDY

aug 5 15

welp writing can be bad but it doesnt HAVE to be bad. seeing how its one of the only things i feel like doing, i might as well make the most of it, to get myself, and YOU, out of our respective Funks.

Maybe I will also play a little cards. in no more than 45 minutes i will go back out and do a powerwalk / jog. I am trying to bump it up to 40% jogging on my 1.4 mile route. it has been at about 35%. I dont really want to go over 50% because i have always thought jogging is GAY and also bad on your knees and ankles and joints, however, it IS good for getting your Heart Rate Up, which is the ONLY reason I’m doing it, because I am in such a low rock bottom devastated state that I absolutely NEED to get my heart rate up.

you its bad when you cant even enjoy music. that is a TELLTALE sign.

this neil young bonnaroo 2003 set is one of the greatest things i’ve heard/seen all year. it is tricky for me to enjoy neil now because it taps directly into The Pain and Heartbreak, as both I and the woman are big Neil fans, and I falsely thought that our deep luv of Neil would also help bring me and her closer together. Nope of course it didn’t. but i still love neil and will love neil longer and stronger than i ever loved her, hahahaha, and will fight to keep neil essentially. don’t want to let her take neil away from me.

but yeah this is the unique pain of Sharing Interests with your “Lover.” I guess it CAN bring SOME people closer together, but it can also FOOL you into thinking you Share Something Deeper, when you DONT.

such a double edged sword, because music like this taps into the same Deep Senses that True Love does, so its easy to get them twisted, and sometimes it’s right and proper to mingle them because your partner also luvs you just as you both luv the music. and sometimes you dont.

anyway i like the idea of Depression Camps. Cuz I was thinking people in the throes of horrible derpression are essntially trying to return to the womb. you can’t cope with the world any more. you cant deal with reality. you cant handle life. you constantly fear that one day its just gonna be too much and then you’re gonna snap. then you snap and it all comes crashing down and you are at rock bottom. and then maybe some of your anxiety is lessened, but you dont feel much better, and then you have to desperately take meds and pray that one day they will kick in.

there were some neil songs that I “shared” with the woman more than others. for example listening to “heart of gold” or “cowgirl in the sand” might not be doable for the next few years hahahahahahaha but thank GOD I still have “love to burn” and “like a hurricane”, and those are nothing to sneeze at. its rough to lose “cowgirl” tho.

the exact opposite of confidence is anxiety and fear. the most important thing a man needs is confidence in himself. this will give him the persistence and resilience to keep going when times get tough, and they will get tough. but if youre always doubting yourself and anxious all the time, that really kills your confidence. which then kills your competence at whatever you’re trying to do: work, skool, think creatively, be funny, solve problems, everything. down the crapper. dealing with life. cant do it no more.

so i was thinking what are the best jobs for peopel who cant handle stress, cant deal with life, quit all their other jobs, emotionally unstable, anxious, depressed people? then i realize there ARE NO jobs for hopeless cases like us. because you gotta have some base line of strength and confidence to do ANY job. ALL jobs are hard and stressful and push you to the fookin LIMIT and holding down a job and finding a job is literally THE hardest thing in the fookin world. well next to finding, attracting, and keeping a person you Luv. both those things are impossibly hard and will give you years and lifetimes worth of disappointment.

so i thought of having depression camps, kinda like fat camp, or boot camp for rebellious teens, or a bit like rehab perhaps. where people with similar problems could get in a big group and learn from each other, and be Coached into how to deal with life, how to communicate, how to deal with stress, how to get jobs, how to get a wife, how to be a damn normalfag already, how to stay strong, be Stress Hardy if you will, so that you have a Reserve to fall back on when the going gets tough.

and they could have job placement and such, we wouldnt let you go until you got a job.

but the whole thing would be free of charge, kinda like salvation army rehab. where you go to a place in the ghetto with a bunch of ghetto felons who cant wait to get out of court mandated rehab so they can immediate go do moar crack and heron hahahahaha. just kidding. no im not really sure theres any way to do what i am trying to do.

i was also thinking of going on craigslist to offer my services as a “DEPRESSION BUDDY” where basically i would hang out one on one with losers and basically hold their hand as they do Baby Steps and try to start Coping with Life. take them to the salvation army to get a suit, practice interviews with them, practice communication, listen to them talk, practice my own listening and communication, take them on 40% jogs, get them out of the house, spend time with them, try to build up their confidence bit by bit.

all completely unlicensed, no masters degrees, no spending 60 grand to get a masters degree, then being unable to find a 18 DAHJ Social Worker Job!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you could just be a bachelors degree bum doing your unlicensed shit for 12DAH hahahahaha . (Dollars An Hour Job)

hmm maybe i cant listen to like a hurricane. it is hitting me so deep, deeper than 99% of all music, and it seems like such a damn shame to have someone who i used to be close to, be able to appreciate this type of stuff as well, and also to essentially dump me in a very cold and inhumane manner. she probably didnt mean to hurt me but oh well i got hurt quite a bit. but sometimes i wonder. you only shut somebody down like this either when you want to hurt them, or you feel they’ve hurt YOU a lot, and the only thing you can do in retaliation is pull the fookin plug and never look back.

how did i hurt her so much? she is behaving like i broke her heart and killed her family or something when i did nothing of the sort. i just got feelings and was just a little pushy and Not Perfect about Communicating them. is that REALLY such a VILE, EGREGIOUS, shameful crime? i didn’t cheat on her, i didn’t abandon her, hehehe i never even dated her. but yeah it totes feels like she abandoned me. just dropped me like a bad habit. and not the type of bad habit you just cant quit. but the type you quit cold turkey right away hahaha.

even if she were to feel regret about How It Ended and contact me a few months from now (i dont bet on that happening!) i guess that would generally improve karma a bit, but i would still WANT her.

i guess its not true love then. because true love is about letting go, not trying to tighten your grip. and the more i tightened my grip, the more she slipped away. the more i pushed to get closer to her, the more i pushed her away.

so yeah it is devastating, i am devastated. my job was hard enough without having to see her every day. the only way we could have made that work is if we could work on different FLOORS and NEVER see each other. and this is impossible. but it really wouldnt make a difference if i were sitting 5 feet away from her, or 50 feet away, in the big cavernous room we worked in. because if she sat 50 feet away, i would be standing up every hour to glare at the back of her head hatefully. i just cant see it working out. and continuing to be distracted from my work. couldnt do it any more.

kinda sucks, last two women ive been “in love with” i met on the JOB. and this is breaking a big rule isnt it. yes it is. oh well i like to think that love is irrational, and we really cant control it, and it happens when it happens, which is why timing is such a big thing. maybe we COULD have worked out if the timing had been better. but it just wasnt. I was lonely like ive always been, having never had a real gurlfran and always wanting one, occasionally getting heartbroken, and i was over one heartbreak and Ready To Try Luv once again, and when i got feels for her, she was just having HER heart broken and was honestly, legit Not Ready. like i say, bad timing. perhaps if she was Over everything she possibly needed to be Over.

But women don’t seem to Stay Single Long Enough to do this. its always one guy immediately after the other, or no more than like 2 or 3 months in between guys. it just seems so MESSY to me. i mean when you are Really In Luv with somebody, it takes LONGER than 3 months to get over them. how could you POSSIBLY get with anyone else during that time? because you’re lonely and desperate? probably.

and thats a big difference between women and men. women get lonely and desperate, they find a man who can “FILL THE GAP” (pun intended) even though they might not have real feelings for that man, they just need a warm body to distract them from whoever they were REALLY in luv with and broke their heart.

Men get lonely and desperate, they STAY lonely and desperate, because these qualities are a BIG turnoff to women, and Men need to TRANSFORM themselves thru sheer force of will. it aint easy son. and thats why i, your depression buddy, is here for you in these tuff times, to help you thru them, when no woman ever will hahahahaha.

oh god

DEPRESSION BUDDY

is such a good branding thing. patent pending. copyright pending. no creative commons bullshit. copyright UFMLL 2015. copyright up from morally lazy loserness how to stop being a lazy loser whatever my fooking name is august 2015.  i mean that might end up being my livelihood, my career, right there. i gotta capitalize on it.

as i Grew My Business, I might Hire one of the guys I worked with. it only makes sense. I wouldnt want some fookin young winner right out of college hahahahaha. i want someone who has gone down the dark hopeless roads hahaha. real true actual fookin losers who have lost it all with no hope of ever getting it back again hahaha.

now should i make it a nonprofit organization? well i wouldnt mind making a SMALL profit. but what about taxes. if i could get nonprofit tax exempt status, maybe i could make more money for myself than if it were a “small profit” company. hahaha. way to get ahead of myself.

ok i mean to go out for another walk 30 minutes ago. better go do that.