july 30 2015

yeah this is not totally over. in fact got the best fodder ever here, as your author becomes the biggest loser he has even been since….2008? about 7 years?

after having a total personal crisis, having the biggest Heartbreak of the past 10 years, and as a result, quitting muh job like an emotionally unstable psycho crazy, because your author unfortunately worked with the love interest, and could not bear to see the woman who rejected him, every day.

so, now in the worst loser state since even BEFORE this blog began. have the dual challenge of trying to find a new job AND get over the worst heartbreak in TEN years. the heartbreak is WAY worse than the one of late 2012, which i was still sort of getting over at the start of this blog in 2013. well heartbreak july 2015 is much, much, much worse, makes that one look like a walk in the park.

of course in neither case did i actually Date the women, i was just in love with them as i was in the friendzone hahahahahahahahaha. no making out, no hand holding, certainly no secs.

i mean of course they will give up secs easily to more manly, charismatic, winner, cooler men! why shouldnt women give up secs easily? its not like they can get pregnant!

my priorities are so out of whack that i care more about the heartbreak than quitting the job, which is job su1c1de, not the type of thing you can bounce back from. i will never get a job that pays this much again. may well be unemployed for years. yet i care more about the gurl. thats how much i was in True Luv with her.

so yeah things are basically the worst they have EVER been. stuff was kinda bad 10 years ago, in 2005, also in 2006 there was some shit (i now say shit and basically everything but fook), also in 2007 and part of 08, in 08 things got better, then got shitty again in 09, then got slooooooowly better 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, and 14 sowed the seeds of the disaster that happened in july 2015.

but yeah feel like i have undid all progress over the past 7 years or so, AND now i am 7 years older, less attractive to employers, and DEFINITELY less attractive to women, so now I have lost my Last Good Chance For Love, and THIS is exactly how you become one of those Lonely Old Bachelors.

so in other words this blog is more important than ever before!

really hoping to get the old job back, the Lazy Loser job which I had from 08 thru 13.

The “Current” job was a big problem too. I was making ok money, pretty good money, not terrible for a man of my age, even though there were plenty of younger people there (plenty of older people too!)

but the job was stressful and awful as fook. i could barely keep it together for a year and a half. there was no hope for promotion. for anybody. and then when this shit went down, i could not concentrate on my work, and this is one of those jobs where you have to be DEEP in furious concentration all day. your performance is affected IMMEDIATELY and obviously as soon as you start having Personal Problems occupying your mind.

I left in a very friendly way that i could possibly come back, which i guess if you’re going to quit a job, do what I just did: say you are having intense personal problems and need a leave of abscence and would like to come back some day. which wasnt really a lie. the heartbreak compounded with the general anxiety to make something close to a damn nervous breakdown. not sustainable. plus to see the Rejector walk by 20 times a day was also a ticking time bomb for me. 2 weeks later i have not seen her and STILL cant get her out of my mind. it was a deep, true luv, resulting in muh life’s worst heartbreak.

so really dont know how i am gonna get through this one. feel like this is finally the end of the road. huge loser, quitting jobs, worst heartbreak ever, worst job situation ever, worst derpression ever. i thought I was generally just a derpressed guy BEFORE, but this makes me look lik mr happy dude then. now can barely get out of bed at the nicest time of the year.

thankful for the support of family. but guilt that one can have a good family and still be a lazy derpressed loser.

have gotten a bit closer to the family so that is the Silver Lining here.

but many losers have horrible families. them i feel truly sorry for.

well plan to see the shrink once a week until things get better. hopefully get the old loser job back. if that doesnt work out then i am in even deeper shit. that job i could actually DO and was not a nervous wreck all the time. so that’s huge, and the fact that its a job, and will prevent a dreaded resume gap. and the job is so easy i can do it with a broken heart and broken mind.

but this is a total devastating blow, as i have been reduced to The Biggest Loser I Have Ever Been In My Life, after 30-35 years of life. Holy Fook. it doesnt get any easier the older you get, it gets WORSE.

have been trying to get up the heart rate by jogging during the powerwalk. not a bad idea.

also was able to get into a doctor and get an rx for 20 mg daily of citalopram, aka celexa, after the 2 months off of the paxil. dont think being off the paxil really CAUSED any of this devastation, really it was the romantic rejection which was kinda the root cause i’d say, kicked off the ol nervous breakdown, i was on the citalopram for about 1 week when everything happened, so theoretically it had not had a chance to Kick In, but still, i dont feel like its done much of anything, but I am just taking it because I am DESPERATE for relief, kinda like how i was DESPERATE for the woman’s luv.

praying prayers and now sleeping with the rosary within arms reach because I am DESPERATE for any relief, to get her out of my mind, of COURSE i would still take her “back” if she changed her mind, but she won’t.

hhahahahahaha and we didn’t even Date aka have secs 1000000000 times or even once. We were truly Just Friends, then after a couple YEARS I developed feelings, about 10 months ago, and ever since then its been all downhill, until the shit hit the fan about 2 weeks ago now, and that was the end of the world for me.

so yeah i was not hiding any feelings from her. this was a first in my life, where i developed feelings for a woman after a LONG delay. after almost 2 years of knowing her, I “woke up” or “discovered new feelings.” but I can assure you i was NOT some kind of simpering supplicating beta before that, orbiting her, secretly in luv with her, and unable to tell her.

as SOON as i got the feelings, I tried to communicate them to her. at that point she pulled away, more and more, although I was frustrated because I wanted to have An Actual In Depth Hours Long Conversation and talk about everything openly and honestly. This was not to happen.

everything happened nonverbally which was very frustrating to me. so eventually it reached the breaking point where I confessed everything, but by that time it was all over anyway.

cuz i hate beta orbiters, and i hate the women who pretend not to know the orbiters are in luv with them. my response: just blurt it out and tell the gurl. and are ALL these orbiters SO autistic that they cannot use hints and body language at all? autists cant even use Awkward Body Language, Autists don’t have Female Friends to begin with!

so IMHO 99% of women with beta orbiters are WELL aware that these men are in luv with them. even if the betas are awkward and geeky and uncool and weird in their nonverbal communication of this. these gurls have taken so many cox, they can tell when a man likes them.

so i guess “my” woman was somewhat decent because she didn’t give me a chance to be an orbiter, she didn’t want to have an orbiter, she just wanted to avoid me as soon as I started giving off a different vibe. so i guess good for her. however if she hadn’t avoided me, i would have confessed the feels a hell of a lot earlier.

but i would have really liked some communication, and wonder if that could have kept things from getting this bad. the last woman communicated with me at least and that was good karma for her at least. but this one just left me totally hanging. it would have been easier for HER to just say “sorry I dont like you” you can say that in ONE TEXT.  but nooooooooooooooo.

so now there is mutual bitterness, her on me because of me being pushy and pushing for a verbal answer, and me towards her for avoiding any kind of verbal communication.

so if i can get thru this, i can get thru anything. this is the worst things have EVER been.

and if i can get thru this, you can get through whatever you are going through.

my worry is: what doesn’t kill you…..makes you weaker. makes you a weak husk shell of the person you once were. your failure and loss and derpression permanently damages you into a pathetic, weak beggar. you manage to survive just becuase you dont K yourself, but you live on as a weak pathetic shell, in constant misery forever hahahaha. pathetic, alone, loser for the rest of your life, and you struggles don’t make you tougher and stronger and better, they make you weaker and worse. that is muh big fear hahahahaha.

but anyway the pain is basically like your beloved wife dying. no joke.

and it is amazing that we, as men, can get such deep feelings for women without even making out with them, and women can have no feelings when they have secs with guys, even though women have the power to get pregnant, and men dont. i will never understand this. this simple fact is why casual secs is much worse for women than it is for men. all the contraception and abortion in the world will never change the fact that women can get pregnant, men can’t, period. yet women can just go out and give up their uterus and feel nothing, feel no luv.  and omega males like us fall in full blown LUV with women before even making out with them.  didn’t i write a blog saying NEVER fall in luv before having secs with a woman? 9000000 times?

i was right of course hahahaha. shoulda heeded my own advice.