so i last had cuddle pseudo gf action 10 years ago, and it was great. i was in luv with the gurl, wanted to marry her etc. of course she was a total piece of trash, aka she just wasnt right for me, it just wasnt meant to be, and we were each destined to find partners of better fit. i found no one, and she no doubt found many many many more temporary boifrans, and became very successful and respected, while i became very failure and disrespected hehehehe.

well i tried courting other gurls but that was not meant to be either, couldn’t get as far as a make out with them. of course that was my fault because i was clearly mentally ill and something just wasnt quite right or perfect hahahahahahahaha.

just have no energy to do the years and years and years of long term work and Foundation Building to do a career, no energy or time to start over as an Old Man, at the beginning.

besides i care much more about being foreveralone than foreverunderemployed hahahahaha i.e. would prefer to fix the foreveralone first.

may 17

yep it was yesterday afternoon that things started getting real weird re the paxil detox, well, real weird at night time. felt super nervous, 10000000000 thoughts crammed into head, felt like a differnt person, jsut felt weird as fook, nervous, super worried abotu life and death, trying to analyse everything but knowing i could never fix everything wrong with me, that i was finished, this was it, huge sense of dread and worry and panic and anxiety, yep the paxil must have been doing SOMETHING, because take it away, and THAT is certainly doing something!!

sense of “falling apart”, could DEF not do my job in that condiiton, muh less than $15 an hour job hahaha.

could not relax and go to sleep with tv off, so turned it back on and just flipped channels fromg gay stupid thing to gay stupid thing for like 3 hours. took half a valium, was desperate to turn off desperate thoughts and feels and just go to sleep!

finally got to sleep thankfully and feel quite a bit better now thank god.

little tired bc did not get my 12 hours of beauty sleep maybe “only” 7 or 8 hahahaa.

was moreso worried about my stupid job and how i screwed things up royally with muh education and career and could never get them back on track, cuz i hate education, career, and esp working hard!!!!

hard worth is never worth it!!! hahahaha plus my mind is too much of a fookng clusterfuook in the condition, to think straight and focus AT. ALL. i mean its never GREAT for that but last night was just ridiculous.

weird sense of being all f00ked up, even more than normal, like now its reason to panic

may 18

several days later

feeling better, thank GOD, main noticeable thing now is staying up later, which i dont like doing, like to 3 or 4 am

that cant happen when i go back to work otherwise i will get unstable and lose job hehehe

was thinking abotu the non benzo anxiety drug buspar, which is supposed to reduce anxiety in general

might be a better otpion than benzos for getting thru the workday/life

then just pop benzos as needed haha

still dont really want to do anything though

jobs etc friends etc just want to sit on internet and neckbeard all day

did u know that occasionally telling wimmin u miss them is a form a hateful viyolent abuse

because they are too busy fookin other dudes and u are not cool, exciting, manly, fun, or alpha enough for them to add to the list 1000000 cox theyve taken


because anger is a medical problem that needs meds haha

when it makes you a lazy loser unable to cope with life, yes  maybe it does

the problem with “derpression” is that you are NEVER sure if you have it, or if you are just a lazy loser. plus it makes you LOOK like a lazy loser to the people that have big influence over your life: skools, jobs, women, friends, family.

since i hate doctors and hospitals and medical scams i was thinking you can go to a physician assistant to write you prescriptions. anybody other than MD’s and DO’s who can write you a prescription. i just need some valium, xanax, buspar, and maybe prozac. i MIGHT try prozac because it is “gentler” than paxil, even though i have super strong med resistant derpression hahahaha. but since i am surviving the paxil withdrawal, i dont want to go back to it!

still get that fuzzy lightheaded feeling pretty regularly, not great, but can deal, much better than that feel of “i am going insane right now!!!!!!”

also staying up later / can’t sleep. not sure if mentioned that already. not sure if that means more energy like a normie, or what.

yeah physician assistants can prescribe benzos. and i think ssris for that matter. but some of them are into ethics and sh1t and want to stop their MD doctors from becoming “pill mills” hahaha. i say just gimme muh benzos.

no i barely take benzos, not even every other day. but i was thinking about starting to take them more regularly to survive my stupid job. cant find a better one. oh well. life goes on. with benzos hahaha. gotta have a job. just the way it is.

try to walk 5 miles a day if u hate exercise and want to lose weight. espec if u are laid off from your job and too lazy to look for a new one. at least try to lose weight so you have a better chance with making out with a 7 hahaha. maybe a 6 lol.

this site is great and can help you figure out 5 mile Walks.  or two 2.5 mile walks even.

may 18 1005pm saw the first real centipede of 2015, a fully grown, or at least large as a f00king ANIMAL, i hate to think this was NOT fully grown good god. i sprayed it with “flying insect killer” until it slowed down, smacked it with flyswatter until it stopped moving, then scooped it onto the flyswatter and flushed it down toilet, whcih, thank GOD, all this was happening in a small bathroom. centipedes are by FAR my least favourite insect, well, next to cockroaches, and another type of more local insect (which i can somewhat easily avoid when they are in brief season).

life lesson: have a long insect swatter that you can also use to pick up the dead insect and flush it. good god. one would hate to think of putting it in a paper towel which you would then have to hold in your hand hahahaha. first world problems.

ONLY bad thing about nice weather.