oct 12 2014

day off. sunday. took a little nap, not as much as i could have. i was feeling saucy and texted my female friend because i might be trying to push things there. she said she had a bad day. i wondered if it were due to her boifran and then i thought i was being arrogant and presumptuous by pretending her boifran did not exist, and also that she might like me, fat, old, bald loser that i am. my mate value is so low there is no way i could pull a remotely attractive woman!

then i got emails from TWO people i have not talked to in a while. i guess sunday is when everyone feels nostalgaic. why not. i can relate. i get nostalgaic too sometimes, probably when i have a day off. and i am not too worried about grills or jobs. hehehe.

one is a very successful relative who is just a total alpha male but also a really nice gentleman who also wants to help me out, and i would be smart to accept his help!!!! in fact i started to before i got my new job, and then didn’t have time or energy to do anything else.

other is an man in his 40s I became friendly with and works in a profession i thought about getting into. he had to move away for a job because jobs in the field are few and far between. but he is gainfully employed, intelligent, lower middle class now. he is a good guy and deserves a decent noncrazy young nonslutty woman, who should not be ageist just because he’s 43 and single, hehehehe.

and of course i should not presumptuously assume my younger female friend would be interested in me in that way, maybe she thinks that would be EVEN WEIRDER than how I once felt about doing that with her, back several months ago before I somehow developed a Small Spark for her, which, thank god, is nowhere near as debilitating as the spark i had for Woman7, Girl6, Girl4, Girl3, 2, or 1.

I could probably take Girls 5 and 8 off the list entirely just to simplify. I would have happily dated them but i never went totally Cray Cray over them.

but who cares about grils when you have a career to worry about. and i never did and boy am i paying the piper now. don’t make the same mistakes i did, get your career in order. the marxist middle class was right, make career your god at the expense of family and morality.  hehehehehehehehe. now THAT’s a tough world!!!

yep i will do a 1 hour powerwalk today. don’t get to do that often. really need to do a 99 minute powerwalk EVERY DAY.

but yeah job is not easy. it takes all your time and energy and you have to sleep a lot or else you’ll be really f00ked, because you have to talk to people and sound confident and competent all day or lose your job.

it is not easy, but if i can do it, anyone can. it just saps all the time and energy, so you don’t have time for friends, keeping in touch, social life, gurlfrans, family, wives, etc. and certainly not a masterz degree! and this is just at 40 hours a week!

hehehe. thank the lord for prozac and valium. paxil and valium i should say, hehehehe. and powerwalks.

anyway. if my female friend doesn’t want to Date, well then there is this 21 year old blond gurl I have on my list. chances there are even worse but oh well, i am old and mature and man enough to face rejection now. heck. i will get rejected by my female friend, get rejected by the cute young blond girl, get rejected by all the gurls on the planet hahahaha and i say gimme more, gimme more rejection, i don’t care, it doesn’t matter. hehehehe.

sounds like a real fun person to be around!

but i am really pretty friendly and funny in real life. just not super duper masculine or good at pulling cute gurls or good jobs.

thurs oct 16 2014

day off. couldn’t sleep for some reason so i got up and did laundry and DID write those two emails i wanted to write. now I am scared to check for responses to them! also made kinda a life update on facebook, which i haven’t done since june or so.

yesterday i was snooping on muh female friend and confirmed that she DOES in fact have a boifran, who she is suspicious of and worried about and probably likes him more than he likes her, which is a shame, because it means she doesn’t have any feels towards me, like I have been starting to develop to her.

then i determined that that is not logical, because you can have feels for TWO people or more at the same time. I actually have myself. there was a brief period of time in my life where I had Feels for Girls 2, 3, and 4 at the same time, and would have gladly dated any one of them. unfortunately it didn’t work out with any of them.

now that was 10 years ago, and since then it’s just been 1 woman at a time, but yes it is POSSIBLE. so maybe she does have some sort of feelz for me.

THE MAIN POINT IS, I HAVE to TALK to her about it SOON. PERIOD. no more of this sneaking around on facebook, no more SNOOPING. she hasn’t TOLD me ANY of this. so the longer I don’t talk to her about it, the more time I have to go crazy and build up moar regrets.

Now, it has to be a fun, chill, non threatening, alpha talk, or just broach the topic gentley and casually even, but it HAS to be broached even just a little, or else I will pay the price later. If I don’t bring it up,  not doing so WILL hurt me. because then i will fester and always regret Holding Back, which means it is more painful and takes longer to Get Over a Grill.  NEVER AGAIN.

so, I talk to her, she gradually discusses it, I say, well, you don’t have to hide things from me. I don’t want u to be sad, however I’m also not jumping for joy about you Dating other guys, why not give widdle olde me a chance, hahahaha. I mean I didn’t think of YOU Like That went we first started hanging out, but those feelz developed after time. So just CONSIDER that maybe a similar thing could happen to you, regarding my bad self. just be open to the possibility, Sweetie.