sept 25

yeah i guess i should just be honest that i am upset about my female frand having a new boifran and not telling me about it. because i was trying my hardest to convert my platonic feelings for her into something more, and now all that work is for naught. but in the grand scheme of things, and compared to past travails, it is really not a HUGE deal. but she would have been a great platonic wife, and maybe i could have increased that platonicness to a deeper heterosexual intimacy. but now we will never know.

hmm. it was around july 25th or so that i thought she might “like like” me, and that made me uncomfortable. but i think it was around a few weeks before that that she started the thing with the guy. wow I was so wrong. i thought i was good at reading people. not her apparently!!

oh well. i really can’t be super angry at her directly. maybe just frustrated at muhself for being so wrong, so off, so arrogant and presumptuous, to not do the basic facebook “stalking” where i can find an alarming amount of information in 10 mere minutes.

it’s not really stalking because the people put the information right out there for strangers to see!!!!

kinda like me and my blog. big difference is, my real name is not attached to this, and i staunchly don’t want it to be. muh anonymity and privacy is VERY important to me.

it’s bad enough that people might be able to idenitfy me by the way i talk and write or the things and people i describe.

some men think that the idea of “alpha” and “beta” is BS. i think it is a very important concept because it is largely true. but all my evidence is anecdotal, not scientific. just what i’ve observed of women preferring alpha men to beta men; alpha men being more successful with women than beta men; alpha men getting more attractive women than beta men.

well, anecdotal evidence is GOOD evidence.

especially when you begin to notice patterns over many years and many people.

Anecdotal evidence repeated becomes Empirical Evidence.

like that uh?

i always bombed with women because i was not alpha enough. i was too beta. period.

with my female friend, that’s different, because i didn’t and still don’t really know what Muh Feelz are towards her. Things started out strictly Platonic but now I think I could change those, like forging steel in the fire, with a little bit of work and concentration, and then we would have The Perfect Thing.

but the good news is that I was never a Friendzoned Beta Orbiter with her. In fact I was always pretty confident and smooth and charismatic. Alpha, even. And I couldn’t be Friendzoned because I wasn’t hugely in love with her. If anything, I thought I was friendzoning her!

Yeah I am just feeling weird because the other night i really “concentrated” on trying to appreciate the physically attractive things about her and to really try to image in great explicit detail what a physical encounter might be like. and eventually came to not find this period of “concentration” (heh, heh, heh) not as weird as I thought it would be.

and then almost immediately after I find out about this Secret Guy. But he’s really not THAT secret if you’re on facebook like everybody is. Perhaps I am a bit upset at her for simply not Telling me! But I can’t be raging furious at her because she is one fo the nicest people i have ever met.

but yeah this is just mini drama compared to the stuff with woman7. or compared to the day to day struggle of muh job for that matter.

anyway i was just thinking about my best moments with women. like during the 2 weeks that things were good with girl2, or the 4 weeks or so that things were good with girl3. those days were very nice, but, i realize, they were nice not because those gurls actually liked me or were adding value to my life with their luv. No, they were nice because of the idea of luv in my own mind, and how I was in totes luv with them, and they were letting me hang out with them and make out with them and totally bring that fantasy to life. but the reality of the situation was that i had much stronger feels for them than they did for me. and yet those were STILL the best times I had with Women.

so uhhh the point there is…… it doesn’t matter if the woman loves you, it only matters that YOU love her.

and of course, the Ideal Relationship is when she loves you as much as you love her.

But I’ve also heard it said that the Best Most Stable Marriages happen when the Wife Loves The Husband just a little bit more.

Eh. I think as long as they are IN THE SAME BALLPARK of luv. Women 2 and 3 were nowhere in the same ballpark of feels for me as i was for them.

anyhow. i gotta get to bed and go to stressful long work. then i have to be a nice guy and do something for my male friend who’s getting married, thus sacrificing sleep before my next day of work, and i am worried that i am gonna royally screw up then for being tired and braindead. i guess just drink a lot of coffee and risk getting in trouble for going to the bathroom a lot. but thankfully on saturdays, the most powerful managers are not there watching over you.

anyway i really don’t want to become a full blown woman hater. i’m not the biggest fan of women, and i certainly hold Feminists in the greatest of contempt, and Degenerate Sluts, but i don’t think i’m a full blown woman hater per se. hehehehe.

oh well. it doesn’t matter. what does matter is making it thru one day at a time at WORK.