thurs aug 7 2014

5.43 pm. just got back from 4.8 mi powerwalk. it was nice. i listened to the music of the guy i went to the excellent concert last week. real good guy, writes songs that bring you to tears almost, and lyrics so good i actually pay attention to them and words which are actually meaningful and very powerful.  i admire people who can write words that powerful. most so called great writers cannot. it takes a true poet.

and i would certainly rather be a blogger and finally a speaker than an author or a writer, that is how i can make my own words the most meaningful and powerful. certainly not by writing poems or song lyrics. though back in the day i wrote some pretty good bukowski ripoff poems. but this singer is not bukowskian but more….i dunno. faulknerian. i don’t even like faulkner so i can’t say. american gothic, bla bla bla.

i like my own race, I’ve been liking it more and more, i’ve been becoming more pro my own race, and I think this is great. you are free not to like this. free country. thank god! but i guess i got sick of seeing my race apologizing and groveling and just sucking d1ck. fook that, be proud of your race, love your race. that’s how i learned to stop worrying about middle class liberals and love my white race, hehehehe.

again i get along with nonwhites perfectly well. i work with blacks and thais and mexicans and get along with all of them. just because i love my own race doesn’t mean i HATE other races. I just put my own race FIRST. Middle Class Whites think this is unhealthy and wrong. I say it is healthy and right. They don’t think it’s right because they’re not right.

really i should just try to get a job on a local farm. there are still farms in the “boondocks” like 10 miles north of me. well maybe 15. why the hell am i not spending all my time out there. farmers are my kind of people hehehe. well the independent small organic farmers non big agribussiness non monsanto farmers i mean.

well i would probably get paid less there than at current job. but would it be less stressful? maybe, maybe not. it would certainly be less phone calls. but how many things would i have to learn, and how easy would it be for me to screw things up? I hate screwing things up and feeling like a dumb idiot who can’t do their job.

but normal people see mistakes as a part of life, as a learning process, to make you stronger and better. only total narcissists see every mistake as proof they are a failure as a person!

and yeah i haven’t had any big screwups in a while.

i even really helped a guy out yesterday and he was really gushing and grateful. i like being able to do that. that would be the best part of the job, feeling like a boss.

or being able to approach a problem calmly, research the solution calmly, and fix the problem myself, and make the person really happy. I like doing that.

well as we all know i have a female friend i wish i could be in luv with, like i was in luv with woman4 or woman7 or woman8 …… but it’s not like that at all. it is strictly platonic. but since she would be a good partner and wife and mother of children, it sucks that the LORD did not put that extra SPARK in me for her.

[edit nov 27 2014: by october 2014 the LORD DID put that extra spark in me and now i am in Luv with her and she has become Woman8 and I want to date her and of course it’s not gonna be that easy. you will hear too much about this by feb 2015.  but yeah it happened. unforutnately it has not led to a nice loving thing and there are signif complications and she might well end up rejecting me etc]

but the LORD must be trying to teach me something. either that I should see that she is perfect and marry her anyway and then that is what true luv really is, not the crazy infatuations i’ve had before. OR, do not marry her and keep looking for someone who i am unambiguously in luv with, like women 1 thru 8.

but i just DONT WANT to make out or have sechs with her!!!!!!!!!! is that such a travesty???!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

[update nov 27 2014: yes i do, i would now enjoy doing those things very much]

annnnd jihadists are crucifying and beheading people in iraq, mutilating girls, crucifying and beheading men and probably women too. and i’m whinging about all this bullcrap hehehehe.

why don’t these soldiers kill themselves because of the guilt of doing all these horrible things? because they are all true believers in their religious cause. well religious and nationalistic. and i certainly don’t dislike religion and nationalism, i am a huge nationalist. but i also am not a fan of violence and i don’t believe all that horrific violence is necessary to start your own nation.

aug 10 sunday

ok i bought my first silver round in a long time, i figured time to reward myself. fyi i bought the “Store brand” 1 oz round for mcm modern coin mart, because i am a loyal customer, like their service and prices, and the round is mindted by sunshine silver, a respectable mint.

no energy. yesterday had a valium and some monster energy drink as i hung out with a good frand and we had a grand old time. got “only” 8 hours sleep and then took a nap from about 2 to 430 and still tired. went out cut grass. thinking about no powerwalk. bought a concert ticket i have been meaning to get. rewarded myself by buying first silver round since about feb, 6 months ago.

doing laundry. didn’t want to do ANYTHING today. have to go to church of course, but the other stuff. laundry, cut lawn, store. i should do those things on saturday.

i usually go to bed at 857 pm, but i should REALLY go to bed earlier. but then i wouldn’t be able to take a powerwalk. just a lousy 66 minute powerwalk too. wah wah wah.

bought some alka seltzer because in the mornings i like something fizzy to lower the nausea, hehehe. i guess ginger ale would be just as good. but it would have to be in a can so the fizz would never die.