july 12

valium report. said earlier that the valium wasn’t strong enough. well it seems to be a grower and really sneaks up on you. read some reports where people claimed they were fine and didn’t feel anything, but to the whole world around them, they appeared visibly drunk and slurring and stuff. not good for on the job!

then i looked at my pupils and they were pretty wide i think. dilated.

then the more i thought about it, the more i possibly felt something. and this is at 11pm, when i took 5 mg of valium at….maybe 6:45pm? supposed to be real fast acting. um anyway at 11pm i am real tired, that could just be normal bc i have been working real hard and stressful. not making sense hehehe. yeah i am starting to see the potential for abuse here. no good. can’t believe he gave me 5 mg tabs saying take one a day, basically 6 months worth of 5 mg a day, and some web forums say you should not take them for more than a couple weeks, benzos are evil, tolerance builds up rapidly, etc, and then you need it to sleep, and panic when you don’t have.

but if you want to party it would be great! not sure how comfortable i feel doing this at Work. but my tiredness may be compounded by the fact that it is the end of a very long day and i would have been tired at 10 pm anyway and it is 11pm. so maybe if i took it in the morning i would be good. anyway proceed with caution.

2 to 10 mg, 2 to 4 times daily? 4 mg to 40 mg a day? 22 mg a day? hehehehe. that seems excessive. not sure how many refills you should get either.

anyway just wanted to say that. don’t want to get hooked, or even just feel sh1tty tomorrow on muh day off. ok gotta try to watch 1 epsideo.

july 13

damn. well that valium is not gonna be good for working because it is too incapacitating. took huge sort of nap on sunday. weighed the idea of going back to my old job. it is open for 2 more days.  i would be making half the money but it is half the stress. at most. heheheh. prob 25% of the stress. it is a walk in the park.

i felt the LORD was telling me to do this, that life’s too short to be stressed out all the time, that stress is not good for your health, that who cares about being a “responsible adult”, when i could work that old job and it would be sweet. no stress, no pressure, no calls, no weird problems.

i could do social things more and have actual interests in things. other than just trying to survive each day.

july 17 thursday

f000k. this job man. i got thursday and sunday off. today was thursday. i slept from 12 midnight to 11 am. could not force myself to stay up past 12 a last night watching a movie. then after 11 am pretty much dozed off until 5 pm like someone who wants to exzcape it all.

bad news is that at night i had a dream about Girl8. no thanks! In the dream I was meeting her for the first time after many years and really hitting it off and hugging her and telling her how Kewl I thought she was, and she was smiling and laughing and hugging me and eventually started making out with me right in front of everybody. and i was like well either this b1tch is cray and she’s gonna dump me soon, or she honestly really likes me and doesn’t care who knows. and that would be ok with me!

so that kinda sucked, don’t like dreams about her, because that is the last time i will have feeeeeeeeelz for a wimmin.

plus that kind of fun is the antithesis of my job.

eating less. but i can eat more when i have the next day off.

wed night had next day off. went to a social fun thing which was great. grateful for that. thank god. took a half a valium right before that. the half valium (2.5mg??) was less than half as powerful as the full valium i took saturday. i might actually be able to go to work on half a v. that or it did not hit me as hard because i also ate a lot of food at that time.

the job is very mentally demanding. not physically demanding at all except you’re pretty much chained to the desk because you can’t miss a call, and you can’t go to the bathroom too much, hence not drink too much coffee or water. and be prepared for anything. there’s the mentally demanding. some say that it is way harder than jobs in this field, because we have to know so much more, and get paid less. hehehehe. ok.

yep i would def take a 2 or 3 dollar an hour pay cut for an easy stressless boring job that is not mentally demanding.

and where i thought it would be much chiller during the summer….well it’s a little chiller but not as much as i thought. it is still not chill. that chill job role i wanted, i will not be getting. i.e. the not so phone heavy job. nope i will be getting phones because i am newer. i guess that’s fair but i’ve never been a phone guy. pretty ironic my entire job si being on phones 8 hours a day having to know 90000000000 different things.

i know other people do not have as stressful of job because they actually do things outside of work. they go places and have friends and have interests and stuff.  ok 8 pm better lay down for bed.

but it’s gonna get even worse in january and i am already worried about that. by october i have GOT to go to the temp office and try to find something chiller. will TOTALLY take a big pay cut. i mean i don’t have kids, i don’t have a house, i have below average debt. there are poeple out there who NEED this job more than i do!!!!