WITHSTAND (PT 9000)

july 10

fook me. hehehe.  damn. don’t even want to play settlers tonight. i don’t think i will.

was powerwalking 4.8 miles straight today and some people called out to me from the porch and said something liek “how much weight you lost” which…..i will give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they meant that i had indeed lost weight and they were happy for me. i don’t like to make small talk but i was friendly and told them i wanted to lose about 20 pounds and that i go around 3 times a day, and it is 1.5 miles around.

actually 1.6 hehehe.

they made some joke about doing it before the knees go out! cuz thats what happens when you get old.

anyway i guess i could have spent a minute talking to them but i spent like 15 seconds hehehehe. i was relatively nice though.

didn’t even have any calls today!

but i worried about them. listened to guy behind me on a call. watched person next to me on a ….chat. fook. well i can say that i provide technical support where some people do phone calls and other people do chats.  i wanted chats because i hate phones hehehehe but i always get phones. it is a good learning experience and character builder but jesus cripes 8 hours on phones is ROUGH. I would rather do phones for 4 hours, chat for 4 hours. or phones for 4 hours, clean toilets with a toothbrush for 4 hours.  but that’s not how the job works.

might have to do phones tomorrow. definitely saturday at the latest. already need a day off hehehehe.

i worry that i will get so stressed out that i will be a weird d1ck to the nice people at my job who don’t deserve it. like not show enough gratitude to those that help me.

well i think i do ok before lunch. or even for the first 6 hours. but the last 2 hours or so are roughest.

so came home, did a 4.8 mi  pwalk altogether. that is an absolutely necessity and a decent reason i was so crazy during the winter, because i was not doing a 4.8 mile powerwalk every day!!!!!!!!!!!1

also soon might be time to pop the first valium.

some calls are easy and some calls are hard as fook.

when you have a hard call, you want to take a 15 minute break hehehe. and chain smoke cigarettes.

welp today i talked to a 40 year old woman outside before starting. ok good. toot toot. pat self on back. introduced self to the man behind me, who i listened to some of his calls today and watched him. observe. shadow. he was nice but he is getting laid off real soon. the company uses a seasonal model of employment to save money, hence all the layoffs. i was just laid off for 4 months. it was awesome hehehehe.

kinda wanted to watch 3 episodes of this comedy show i just discovered. it is along the line of curb your enthusiasm. won’t say the name of it because that might identify me because this is not a widely-known show in the US hehehehehe.

foooook. stopped watching it at 11 pm last night and that was a bit too late to get up at 645 am. damn. however doing my huge powerwalk and watching this hilarious comedy show was def the highlight of my day. might have to do a binge-watch once i get a day off. i mean, between getting off work, and the start of my day off. i could theoretically binge watch till 1am or 2 am. great show. have not wanted to binge watch a show forever. lost interest in game of thrones, still have not watched walking dead, the wire, etc. no fooking time for tv, only time for working and powerwalking hehehe.

about those people asking if i was losing weight…kinda a personal question no? but men have to be tuff enough to take questions about their weight, BABY. MAN UP. heh. i shoulda told them i accepted my fat body.

but they certainly didn’t mean any harm. if anything they were complimenting me on me actually losing or trying to lose weight!!!!

but yeah.

july 12.

saturday. working on a. was super scared in the morning, almost sick to stomach. nobody there. picked up in calls after a few hours. but things went surprisingly smoothly. got sort of scolded by a caller but i apologized profusely. she will prob give me a bad survey. i am gonna have to go to coaching meetings for a while because muh quality score is gonna be bad. if i can’t bring it up, then i get laid off hehehehe.

after a bit of a boom near lunch, it really slowed down. last 2 hours were like heaven. barely any calls. like 30, 40 minutes between calls. it was sweet. and those calls i did have were either easy, or they were easily escalated to the next level. the worst is when you get something really really weird but nobody lets you escalate even though you’ve been on the phone for over an hour sounding like an idiot and not knowing what you’re doing. instead of making you feel like an even bigger idiot the higher ups could have you escalate it to their level. the nicer people do, hehehe.

survived till end of day like a boss, better than expected, fully intended to take valium sat night. i took a 5 mg tab of valium and went to cut the lawn. then went for a hopefully long powerwalk. during the powerwalk i think i felt the valium a little. almost like the chill part of MJ, with no paranoids or anxiety. NICE. but perhaps not quite strong enough, hehehehe. made listening to music much more fun. and i have not been relaxed enough to enjoy music all week, or much of anything. finally got my mind off the job and enjoyed the walk, and music, and thinking about other things like movies. it was nice and I wanted Moar! I think it wore off though. it was pretty subtle. again it is like when you finally come over the peak of MJ and start to come down: just plain chill, no anxiety. fantastic. but wouldn’t have minded something even more powerful. a double dose if you will, hehehehe.

yep can see how this would be habit forming. but i was not f’ed up, could probably take it while on the job. and that was the whole idea. i would prefer to take this to stay chill on the job, rather than as a way to chill out after the job. bad news bears.

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