AGE 30

june 28

AGE 30

january. 30 years old. damn. that sucked. and a total loser working a job meant for undergrad students. making no money. having no ambition. living at home with parents. well at least i was saving money on rent. i couldn’t afford to move out anyway with my low paying job.

i kept meticulous financial records and set aside a certain amount each month as if my fam were asking me for rent, which of course they were too nice and lenient to do. but i socked away several thousand dollars for them, to buy them gifts and dinners and stuff like that, because i felt guilty, and needed to get x thousand dollars in there to appease my guilt.

oh yeah. in december29 i did something i wanted to do for a long time and bought myself a laptop computer. i had wanted one for years but refused to spend the money. i think the idea of turning 30 made me pull the trigger on some things: girl7, computer, going to vegas. like f00k it. i’m 30 years old, let’s spend the money, i’m not getting any younger. yolo. do something fun for once. i don’t drink etc.

in winter30 i took calculus 2. that was really f00king hard and after that i said i was done with skool. that was the last class i took. but i did get an a and i was proud of that.

in january30 I randomly saw Girl8 at my weekly social event. I was too scared and ashamed to talk to her because I was a huge loser and she was prob a huge winner. she was prob 28 or 29 but she looked GREAT. I started having dreams about her and thinking about her often and regretting that i had let her “slip through my fingers”, i didn’t even notice her because i was too worried about girls 2, 3, and 4. maybe i should have just gotten with girl8 all along. i first met her when i was 20 but i did not promote her to girl#8 until i was THIRTY. how ridiculous is that? and because of a chance meeting, but moreso the DREAMS that chance meeting caused. wow.

i think i also accepted my first friends on my secret facebook page. i had originally quit real facebook around 24 because i hated seeing all the people from college get super successful, married, happy, etc.

i think i started the fake facebook around 27 or 28 or so, so i could stalk girl7 hehehehe.

in the summer30, some old friends from college got married and invited me. i was really torn on going because they were both phd’s and successful as f00k. i didn’t really want to spend money on a plane and hotel and taxis and stuff.

so i just sent them a gift and a nice card.

around this time i was becoming friends with “NotQuiteGirl9B” (or was it A, C, or D?) who was notable for being my only real life female friend. we got along very well, very naturally, and it would have been real nice if i were attracted to her or in luv with her at all. i liked her very much, but just not in that way. later i worried and debated whether i should try to become “friends with benefits”. because i wasn’t really attracted to her, the idea of sechs would be kinda WEIRD, BUT I had never been that close with any woman for many years. i had not had a female friend since i was in College! some people say it is impossible for men and women to be Just Friends, but I think it probably is possible, or at least I have done it a couple times in my life. 3, maybe 4 times believe it or not. just not a lot recently.

[Update: over a year later I started developing Deeper Feelings towards her, such that she could possibly become Woman9, that sechs or dating would not seem so WEIRD, and was the first time in my long life I had ever started off with Platonic Feels and then converted them over to Non-Platonic Feels.]

by january30 i had stopped taking my paxil again. i was possibly at 40 mg or so, then by january i stopped. then i decided i would stop for a while, see what happened. i was also becoming more racist and was starting to think it was “J00 poison.” i went thru a virulently anti-semitic phase.

for better or worse, hehehehehe. i still don’t really trust the j00s, i am still a little racist, but i get along really well with older black women!

i wish i got along that well with younger white women, hahahahah!

i continued seeing my shrink about once every 3 weeks. same shrink as age25. i have only ever seen one shrink ever. maybe i should switch to another one. maybe get better results, hehehe. but my shrink is really nice and smart.

i was trying to figure out the extent of my racism, and i didn’t want to get in too deep with the racist blog scene, so i shut down my increasingly-racist blog.

well that’s as far as i’m gonna go, because i am between 31 and 39 years old, so i will stop telling my life story at 30.

i did most of this in one day, kind of spurred by reading the unschooling book and thinking of my own school experience one year at a time. then it turned into a life biography.

also to give you the BONA FIDE of here i stand before you, HERE’S my QUALIFICATIONS, HERE I STAND, I’M YOUR MAN. Behold the Man, Behold the LOSER. this is the full story of my own loserness. i have been there. i coulda been somebody, but i became a nobody, all through my own laziness.

mainly one stupid small-to-medium mistake after another, and then some huge mistakes, and never, ever, ever taking the obvious opportunity to ask for help or assistance, or to make obvious changes, until it was too late. resisting going to a shrink. resisting outside help and mentorship. being too stubborn and cowardly to ask for help in ANYTHING. also, drinking way too much and smoking way too much weed, especially before age 25, when it did the most damage. not heeding the obvious signs. not leaving college after the first year, the first semester, or at least going to the university shrink on a weekly basis since the first semester.

not starting out at community college until i figured out what i wanted to do. and i never wanted to do anything, becuase i hated all school and learning!

resenting being put on the high achiever track in high school by taking AP classes that weren’t worth it. Well, I really showed THEM, didn’t I, by becoming the Biggest Loser I could be!!!!!!

in high school, no one would have predicted this out of me. maybe it’s why no one from high school has reached out to me, i don’t know. nah, that’s really narcissistic. the only way people can find me is on linkedin, and i think only my 15 friends there can actually see the shameful details of my profile, and i never use linkedin because i hate seeing people’s successful careers.

 

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