fall, after summer5, age 22/23
after girls 3 and 4 were out of my f00king face after that summer, things simmered down. i should have used that time to buckle down and find a good job, but i felt too sad and broken and lazy and despondent. i’m kinda bitter on this town now, that was a hell of a couple years, maybe it would be good to go back home and get out of this craziness and just try to find a boring normal job in the boring normal world, i’m not going to get into grad skool next year, i want to get away from these students, these women, yeah it will suck to leave all my friends but i can still keep in touch and visit once in a while.
so i prob resigned myself to coming back home at that time.
i was also sort of working on this cute dark haired girl i just met in september, it would be fun to bang her and maybe erase some bad memories. hehehe. i never banged her. in fact i got drunk and said some nasty things to her and ruined any chance there much like i ruined my chances, drunkenly, with girl4.
but i didn’t like this other girl enough for her to become the new girl5! girl5 did not come around until later.
so at the end of the fall term, in december, i moved back home with the fam.
and have been here ever since, hehehehehehehe.
i am just gonna give the WHOLE life story now!
january. no i won’t say what year that is, then you’ll know my exact age, and what year i was born. NOPE.
well at least at home with my fam i prob wouldn’t drink as much. whenever i had gurl trouble i tended to drink too much.
now i could just chill out and sort out my life and make my next move. get a quiet chill boring job with my degree like i always assumed i could and would.
yes i’m well aware of all the mistakes and bad moves i made. i am trying to list the biggest ones for you here, along with some other memorable events. i am well aware of what i did wrong, and what could have been done to intervene at some crucial points. it’s no mystery, it’s not hard to see!!!!!!!!!
heh if i were talking this out, it would be a lot quicker and easier.
in january i drunkenly made out with a grill. that was the last time i ever made out with a grill.
by february i was able to leverage Family Connections to get a job back home. let’s just say it involved a lot of driving on the job. it was ok but i hated muh boss. when i couldn’t meet my driving deadlines or something went wrong wiht the car, it got real stressful. but 80% of the time it was not too stressful.
but i had a real bad week where everything went wrong, i got emotional, and quit the job. i felt a great sense of relief. i had only worked there like 3 months. but i had made more money than i did in my temp job that i had worked while in college town from say may to december.
now i was hanging out with old friends at home, often getting off Werk and going to drink and smoke w33d. nice.
i was absolutely off the paxil by this time and was taking St Johns Wort, i was convinced that was the magic bullet. it wasn’t!
i was also driving out and visiting the college town way too much. almost once every 2 or 3 weeks. yikes. there was the double edged sword that it wasn’t THAT far away.
so i would stay with some friends there, get drunk as hell all weekend, then come home sunday night.
i would also hang out with one group of college friends to the exclusion of other college friends.
i also could have made some moves on girl8 still but i was not even thinking about her.
i unfort still saw girl4 a little bit on my visits. she ended up getting a very presitigious scholarship and then a job with a prestigious org in DC. but at least she never went to grad or law skool!
in september of that year i got a job with a politically-charged nonprofit. very leftist. the job was temporary, no more than 6 months, and the pay was crappy, but at least it was full time and made me look employed!
that was awkward as fook. but it taught me tbe valuable lesson that i was not A Leftist Activist. these were all Leftist ACtivists.
at that time, i was looking into Americorps Programs. I was too shady to get into Peace Corps but I could probably get into Americorps.
i tried to get into one in [a “cool” big city] that a guy i went to skool with was doing (but had never been friends with him per se.)
i had a very demoralizing phone chat with the director of the organization who criticized me for not being active enough during college.
it was TRUE, but i could not take criticism like that well! I still had a very thin skin.
but that was the nail in the coffin for my desire to Help The World via Nonprofits or Americorps.
well, not really: here’s a great story: I actually DID get accepted into an Americorps program to do an afterschool arts program for a very poor, rural school in a kinda foresty area.
i declined because i got cold feet at the last minute. i didn’t really care about building arts programs, i just wanted to get out of my house, have a full time position, build resume. i didn’t want to help others, i wanted to help myself.
but i still regret that. i was only 23/24 and that would have been a nonlosery thing to do at that age, and would have helped my res.