june 28

grade 16 fall term, 20/21 yo

yep, my new social life was so exciting and dramatic, it was both real fun with some friends, smoking weed and hanging out and joking around and wathcing movies and vidya and walking around town, and real agony when dealing with girl1. i shirked the radio show, i shirked my skoolwork, i did not shirk my little job though, hehehe.

after the bad mush trip i began drinking a lot and not caring about my future. that was like mid to late october maybe?

in early november i dropped all muh classes like elliot rodger, and got four W’s on my permanent transcript. didn’t realize it at the time, but THAT really WAS the final irreversible nail in the coffin for Grad Skool . you might be able to explain 1 or 2 bad semesters (heh i had 3 bad semesters), but you cannot explain dropping out after the drop date and getting W’s.

but i def was not thinking straight. not at all.

i should have gone home right then and gotten committed to a mental hospital. i should have gone to a shrink EVERY DAY while on STRONG meds. i’m not sure if i would have been eligible to use the Univ Counseling Service, which i SHOULD have gone to every DAY since grade 13, when i first started having problems making friends and fitting in and not liking skool, before i had the probs wiht my roomate and w drinking.

but i stubbornly refused!

i hated skool but i liked having a lot of friends all of a sudden, and not to diss my other 2 friends, but these friends were more fun. plus i had never felt dem feelz for a gurl before. plus even though i would never pull gurl1, maybe i could at least lose muh V card with another cute girl.

so i stayed at College and Worked a Job while i was out of skool like a loser bum dropout. i lost my job with the college because i was no longer a student. i got a job somewhere through some of my new friends.

instead of getting psych help and life help, help from any responsible adult, i just smoked f00kloads of weed and hung out with my friends and was understandably looked down upon by some of the more responsible kids.

but i had a decent amount of friends too, and for the first time had a decent Social Life. I even became a bit of a Celebrity at the time, and people would write down the hilarious things i said into the House Scrapbook.

Too bad i couldn’t parlay that into Getting Laid, but I was THAT focused on Girl1, that i didn’t even TRY with other girls.

plus i had bigger things to worry about,like how i had just flushed my whole life and future down the crapper. but i didn’t think of that! and so i sought no help, smoked a ton of weed still, and just hung out like a burnout bum.

for second semester i remained out of skool and continued working. can’t say what the job was, too identifying, but it was not stressful. watched a lot of movies and connected real well with the guy whose wedding i went to this summer. we would play mario kart like a religion, and smoke weed.

the mario kart and the friendship and social stuff was good, but the smoking weed was NOT. i should have been talking to a shrink for help and guidance.

ironically, i HAD to go to counseling services to get a clearance to re-enroll for classes the next fall.

and so for the first time i went. when i should have gone there 4 years previously, and should have gone a LOT.

i told them i overcame my anxiety and depression by exercising a lot. BULLSH!T!

then SUmmer 4 started, when i should have been graduating. nope. had one more year to go.

Summer 4, age 21

Girl1 moved out which was good, didn’t get to see her as much, that was good.

I met Girl2 for the first time and we hit it off well. She was real cute, real young, still in high school hehehe. i had never gotten along so well with a gurl this cute. after i met her i couldn’t sleep and i walked around the WHOLE NIGHT around the neighborhoods until the SUN CAME UP just thinking WOW. SHE COULD BE THE ONE I’VE BEEN WAITING ALL THESE YEARS FOR. SHE MIGHT BE MY FIRST ACTUAL GURLFRAN. WOW.

about a week later i ended up banging her for the first time and kind of resentful that she was pushing me too fast.

(that was when I Lost my Kissless Virginity hehehe)

she was surprised that I was A Kissless virgin until age 21, when she at like age 18 had had several long term serious Boifrans. Oh Well I said. It’s Different For Men. and then made out with her some more.

This was near the very end of the summer. then

Grade 16, part 2

started. i swore that this was going to be a new leaf, i was NOT gonna let what happened last year happen this year. i was gonna be a good student. i was gonna get all a’s, not all c’s. i was gonna not skip a single class ever. i was gonna get up early saturday morning and study in the library like the good students.

i was gonna bust my hump to finally be a Good Student. I was gonna go to my prof’s office hours.  i was gonna graduate on a high point. maybe even try to make myself look presentable for graduate school. maybe try to do some research with a prof. not skip a single class. not smoke so much weed. never smoke weed before all the homework is finished.

also, near the end of that summer, there was A Dry Spell and nobody could get weed, and I was “forced” to “quit” weed for like a few months, which was the longest i had gone without for… 2 or 3 years. 3 years where my goddam brain was supposed to be developing, and poisoning it with weed and alcohol.