june 28

summer 3, 20 yrs old

trying to give as short, fast, quick, dirty history of my life as possible.

summer 3 i smoked a ridiculous amount of weed. was 20 years old. destroying my brain even as it develops. so it grows TWISTED.

heh. previous summers i had drank too much. sometimes i would even drink alone at home. actually that did become a problem. i drank more in the 2 or 3 months at home where i had easier access to alcohol, than the 8 or 9 months i was at college. isn’t that funny? thats how antisocial i was. i had 2 friends there, one had just turned 21, but i always smoked weed more with them than i did drink. but my friends at home drank a lot, so when i came home i drank more.

well, summer 3 i chose not to drink as much because i felt that was becoming a problem, and it made me feel bad, and smoking weed was a more fun way to intoxicate myself. couldn’t just be Sober!

i still drank a little but smoked a TON of weed. i even bought an OUNCE of weed hehehe just because i wanted to have an OUTLANDISH amount of weed for myself. it was just stupid.

grade 16, age 20/21

started my Final Year of College. my previous year was horrible in grades. no way would i get into grad skool now! but i wasn’t thinking about grad skool, i just wanted to graduate period. heh. also my lack of internships and research would have prevented me too.

i moved into a weird house with a lot of people and all of the sudden i had an instant social life that i had never had before at skool. men and women. all ages. it was kinda like the Dorm only people actually hung out together in communal areas and socialized with each other, a lot. i brought some of my ounce of weed and used it to make friends, hehehe.

i was more social than i had ever been! i quickly made a few instant friends. i suddenly had 4 or 5 or 6 friends overnight, when before i only had 2.

here I met Girl1. the first gurl I was ever truly in luv with. i was 20 about to turn 21. she was like 23.

i smoked a lot of weed and also had the power to drink a lot when available. i gained a reputation as A Partier, which was weird, I never thought of myself as a Partier, after all, I was just a Virgin with 2 Friends!

I continued skipping class more than i could get away with, slacking on my studies. bad move.

one good move was, i finally decided to get a work study job at the univ because i felt like a real f00king bum, real f00king guilty and sh1tty and spoiled, and i wanted to prove to myself that i was willing to Work A Job rather than be a spoiled piece of sh1t.

also during summer 3 i made kind of a vow that Grade 16 Was Finally Gonna Be Different. I Was Finally Gonna Make A Change. This Is It.

so i got that job immediately during the first week of moving in. it was EASY. I just signed up on the website and immediately got a job at one of libraries. i didn’t have to compete with 900000000 other people. they knew we were all smart and capable because we were all students at a Top 30 University. I don’t even remember the “interview”, but it had to be easy as f00k.

then i started getting social in my new residence, really social. and fell in luv with gurl1. she was a weed smoking art student. i hung out wiht her sometimes but had no idea how to flirt with her. this annoying boy in the house was flirting with her very pushily and i think they made out for a while. that made me very upset.

most of my new friends were younger than me. heh. i was 20/21 and they were like 18. like this one guy i became friends with, whose wedding was that little adventure i had recently. i also went to parties with my new friends. at one party i actually met Girl3 and thought she was cute. also that fall i met Girl8. Wow. Met girls 1, 3, and 8 all in the course of 3 months or so.

but then it was girl1 i was obsessed with. one day a huge group of us took mushrooms. BAD IDEA. I had taken mushrooms before for the first time about 6 months ago, and it was ok; this time it was horrible, real bad trip man, felt ego death, my soul was dying dead, also girl1 was there along with the annoying guy who liked her, i thought how i would die alone and lonely, the concept of loneliness was a big deal to me at that time.

after that trip i became superdepressed and nihilistic and drinking more. like f00k it.

during the first few weeks of skool when i was still in my I’m Gonna Make A Change phase, I decided I should get more involved in Extracurricular stuff. Join A Group, meet some Girls or Friends. (I still wasn’t thinking too much about JObs and Networking and POstcollege, like an idiot.)

I went to a meeting of Atheists, Agnostics, and Freethinkers because I was in a very anti-religious phase then. I was suprirsed that a good 90% of the people called themselves atheists, meaning they were sure there was no god, while I was def an agnostic, meaning i didn’t know if there was a god, and that it was impossible to prove one way or the other whether god exists.

so that was weird and i did not go back. probably they all came from atheist families where their parents pushed the religion of PhD Education.

Then I looked into the College Radio Station and learned they even had a Metal show. nice! I met with the guy a few times to do what I could with the metal show, to at least talk to another metal fan for once.

he was ok but we didn’t become friends or anything. in fact i ditched him because my new social life with my new friends was more fun. i had even taken a couple cd’s from the radio station i was supposed to write brief reviews/descriptions for, and never returned them, hehehe.