summer 2

got no internships. hehehe. went back home with friends to drink and smoke and party and have as much fun as possible before going back to kinda sucky skool, where i had barely 2 friends, didn’t know any gurls, had no idea what i was doing, and was wasting my edu and life.

Me and my fam were aware by that point that something wasn’t right, but i refused to go see a shrink (should have gone to a shrink in grade 10!), but agreed to go to family doc to get an rx. because i was convinced i just had a chemical imbalance and a drug would fix me right quick. really it was less effort to do this.

so he got me on paxil and i was kinda excited about that. not sure if it really DID anything though.

worked same old job, drank and smoked too much for my developing/frying brain, gave no thought to the future, in fact, tried actively to block it out. just get the psych degree and that will be good enough to live on. but yeah the college thing as a whole kinda sucked because i didn’t super like it, i refused to get involved or to do things that would help me, i had barely any friends or social life, i refused to put myself out there, refused to get help, refused to do anything, refused to put forth effort, was already a LAZY LOSER, also i was kinda upset about being a virgin who knew no gurls even though i was surrounded by cute gurls, especially in the girly psychology classes.

middle middle class skool, vs the upper working class life i knew back home, with friends and fun. i saw the fellow students as uptight and weird and masochistic and unfriendly. i was friendly but they didn’t want to be friendly with me!

so yeah i was clearly f00ked up. getting the meds was a step in the right direction, but i should have gone on hiatus from school right there. i think the idea was even mentioned. go on hiatus, or come back home and go to much less prestigious local skool. of course i stubbornly said no, if i just power thru 2 more years and get a degree from this prestigious skool (by now i did have an inkling of the skools prestige), then i will be set for life, i’ll have a better life than if i went to a less prestigious skool.

in hindsight my fam should have said, now it’s our turn to be stubborn, we’re the fam, we’re TAKING you out of this skool. foot down. but that did not happen. went back to grade 15 and continued the downward spiral.

grade 15

moved into a place with the 2 weed smoking friends i had made. good guys but i did not need to be smoking that much weed. so this was a bad move right off the bat.

so the weed smoking increased and that was a bad move. on top of all the other bad moves i had made up til then. 1 of the 2 guys started becoming gradually more unbearable. he was possibly bipolar and really weird. not as bad as my grade 13 roomate, still basically a good guy, but very hard to live with on a daily basis. none of us ever had any friends over and our place became a weird isolated weird zone. i didn’t really have other friends anyway, and the other weird guy didn’t either. the more normal friend had friends but understandably didn’t have them over very often. especially the grills, hehehehe. i think he knew a couple of grills but the rest of us sure didn’t!

i recall looking at lots and lots of increasingly weird porno.

smoking too much weed, not being engaged with skool, not thinking about grad skool , not talking to professors and advisors or counselors, feeling angry against the typical students, not fitting in, bla bla bla, like the one guy i lived with was my only real friend, etc.

started SKIPPING classes and that was a REAL bad move. place was a little further from class than the dorms so that was a good excuse. grades really started slipping. thru end of grade 14 i got all a’s, maybe a b+. now I started getting some c’s, and even a D. it was the first time i got such sh1tty grades. i kinda thought it was cool, like FINALLY, I wish I had gotten some C’s in high school so the expectations wouldn’t be so high!

i think during this time i stopped taking muh paxil. also stubbornly refuse to talk to any helpers. still would have helped to have been pulled out of skool at this point, because the worst academic performance was yet to come in year 16!

also, year 15 is when you should STOP slacking off and REALLY hit the books if you want to get into grad skool and become a winner in life. i did just the opposite.

also Summer 3 is your last chance to start getting internships or else you’re f00ked 4 lyfe. I of course had no concept of what an internship was or why would you get it.

i stayed in the place for about a month after school ended, said i was gonna try to find a summer job or something. i of course did not try very hard at all, and I COULD HAVE found a SWEET summer job if I had even TRIED, but nooooooooo i was just smoking weed and playing vidya games probably. jerking off to porn. i do recall discovering charles bukowski at this time, and read “ham on rye” and “women”.

i could have gotten a sweet job as a college groundskeeper, banged some college gurls, or gotten a more acad focused research assistant job which would have been good for grad skool. it’s not like i was STUPID. but i was just a lazy unmotivated loser who just wanted to smoke weed and didn’t like The Skool so i didn’t want to get involved with The Skool at all, plus I had a summer job waiting for me back home anyway.

I tried Mushrooms for the first time with my normal friend around this time. It was kinda neat, it wasn’t horrible, but i wish i had gotten some profound long-term life changing epiphany, because i really needed one, to change my life at that point. But i didn’t, and i didn’t.

but i didn’t like skool, i didn’t like learning, and i was smoking too much weed and frying my brain while it was developing, and had stubbornness and anger and bad attitude to the point where it was a problem, but i refused to get help. and continued to f00k up and make bad choices and waste opportunities to eventually become the old loser that stands before you today.